A letter I won't send

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Unbearably sad again today. I know I can never talk to him about the reasons for this latest break up. It will degenerate into the usual. So I wrote him a letter I will never send, don't know if it helps or not.

Dear ******

I know there is no point talking to you because you will never acknowledge your part in this.  You will blame it all on me. You will never let me tell you why without a bullying loud argument. I'm not getting into another vitriolic text game. I no longer know what you see when you look at me, sometimes it feels like I am something you scraped off your shoe. Never does it feel as if you actually care much or even like me.

I have never been conventionally beautiful. I have been told that the animation and energy in my face and my eyes made me beautiful . One of those people who's spirit illuminates from the inside. I know I am reasonably physically attractive but thats not as important as being told that I was a lovely person. That I touched people's lives and made them lighter and brighter. I believe that the ability to deal with and rise above the horrors of my childhood made this happen.
When we met you saw and felt it.
Your constant criticism, put downs unreasonable anger and withdrawal of all love and affection have shut down my light. You have crushed the essence of me.
Now I am Invisible me.
You do not see me, you do not feel me, I do not either. I am not there. Inside of me is dark, outside of me is sad. My strength and love of life is gone.

 So It's all very simple really. Stop. Nothing to talk about because we won't agree. No anger from me just sadness. You are not who I thought you were, I am not what you want. We cannot share our lives, nothing so one sided can be acceptable. I know I am just a waiting room, somewhere to be in your life until you find who you want. You do not love me, nor is this anything I want to be part of. I will always love and care for you so stay safe and I hope you find what you are looking for.
x 

[Sadly]

Unbearably sad again today. I know I can never talk to him about the reasons for this latest break up. It will degenerate into the usual. So I wrote him a letter I will never send, don't know if it helps or not.

Dear ******

I know there is no point talking to you because you will never acknowledge your part in this.  You will blame it all on me. You will never let me tell you why without a bullying loud argument. I'm not getting into another vitriolic text game. I no longer know what you see when you look at me, sometimes it feels like I am something you scraped off your shoe. Never does it feel as if you actually care much or even like me.

I have never been conventionally beautiful. I have been told that the animation and energy in my face and my eyes made me beautiful . One of those people who's spirit illuminates from the inside. I know I am reasonably physically attractive but thats not as important as being told that I was a lovely person. That I touched people's lives and made them lighter and brighter. I believe that the ability to deal with and rise above the horrors of my childhood made this happen.
When we met you saw and felt it.
Your constant criticism, put downs unreasonable anger and withdrawal of all love and affection have shut down my light. You have crushed the essence of me.
Now I am Invisible me.
You do not see me, you do not feel me, I do not either. I am not there. Inside of me is dark, outside of me is sad. My strength and love of life is gone.

 So It's all very simple really. Stop. Nothing to talk about because we won't agree. No anger from me just sadness. You are not who I thought you were, I am not what you want. We cannot share our lives, nothing so one sided can be acceptable. I know I am just a waiting room, somewhere to be in your life until you find who you want. You do not love me, nor is this anything I want to be part of. I will always love and care for you so stay safe and I hope you find what you are looking for.
x 

[patientandclear]

Yes. As I just wrote on your other thread, I completely get this. You're correct in all you say here. It's super sad for this to be the case but acceptance that it IS the case is essential to begin to make things better. Many hugs Sadly.

[Sadly]

Thank you. The big problem for me aside of the unbearable sadness is that even with this acceptance of "it is what it is" I still am not dealing with the emotional side of it. Even knowing all this the chances right now are about 99.9% of letting him back into my life. It's ridiculous and illogical and that's what I despise about myself. Logic and intelligence tell me to tell him what I know about BPD and his problems, then duck, then kick his backside and walk away. Duh! That's so not going to happen.

[patientandclear]

Let's play this out a bit.  Setting aside telling him about BPD (I am not a big fan of being someone else's therapist, especially not when I have a transparent agenda about the whole situation), why are you so sure you would/will resume?

When I thought I had lost my guy forever and completely, it hurt so much I had dissociative episodes, literally "lost time," and it felt like a physical injury.  For a pretty long time.  I dedicated myself to a mindset where I welcomed the pain, it was supposed to be there, and I said to myself things like "this is as hard as it will ever be," and "it is supposed to feel this way right now."  It helped quite a lot actually.  So much so that when he did make a serious bid to restore our dynamic I basically told him no, not unless something significant had changed.  Shocked him and me that I did that.

There is a concept in DBT treatment called "opposite action," where you notice what your impulses tell you, especially in a zone where you know your impulses to have been unreliable past guides to making you feel good long term -- and basically do the opposite, on the theory that it is at least as likely to work out well.

Also, I found it useful to imagine myself as an addict, walking among other people shooting up, realizing how good it would feel to keep doing that -- but then thinking of the damage they were doing to the rest of their lives and any hope of anything good besides that flood of euphoria.  That's how it is when I consider continuing to engage with my person.

Can you say more about why you feel it is inevitable you will keep this up?

[Sadly]

You are good to me   and I am not very sure about my answers. My brain feels like porridge.
I am very unsure of myself, I know that. I am 14 years older than him which doesn't help, regardless of the fact that I look the same age as him I am not. I think that must be difficult for a woman even without the BPD cr*p. In the beginning he said it didn't matter but after the devaluation stage he admitted he couldn't get past it, he's never mentioned it since but it hangs there above us. I sometimes wonder if that's why he doesn't show affection to me when we are out but then he doesn't when we are indoors either so that doesn't make sense, all very confusing I know.
When we are together that's exactly what we are, together, every day, between his house and mine, we shop, cook, eat and watch tv and he doesn't even like me to be out of the room for more than 10 minutes. It's more together than anyone else I know, too much so sometimes. However, he drinks heavily every night and quite often falls asleep on a sofa, doesn't come to bed at all. I don't like that. It's one of the things we fell out about this time around.
I know none of this is good, it's not a balanced way to live but I miss him so much.
I am going to try the reverse thing you mentioned this time when he contacts me even though I am afraid of the result. I also have had those dissociative episodes and found them very scary. It sounds madness but there is a big part of me that just wants to run away from it all, I know there is so much more pain to come if I don't, and also if I do. I know from all the reading and stories here that I will never get that first love back, why am I doing this to myself. That's when I draw a blank, I love him and hate him. What a mess. I bet I haven't made any sense, sorry.

[patientandclear]

Oh no ... .It makes total sense on virtually every point.

I love him and I hate him--yes. I resent the waste of so much that is good and could have been good and could still be good. The books we could have read together, the conversations missed, the learning not shared, the memories not created. Like you, when we're together, it is very together. But I suspect that's part of the problem ... .Too much like family. With all the threat and mixed feelings that come with that.

The man I post here about is older than me but I'm the oldest person he's dated for many years. He seems to cultivate connections to much younger women when not with me. That does a number on my sense of attractiveness. He is very oriented around what others think and most of the women he's chosen are quite glamorous and beautiful. Not similar to me.

I know you say you feel your person is just with you as a waiting room until he finds someone else. Has there ever actually been such behavior? Sometimes men wBPD who says it's just friends etc seem to insist on that label but never actually make a move away from their primary connection, which seems to be you. (In my case, he actually did head off to pursue other women, so it wasn't just theoretical.)

[Sadly]

Thank goodness, cos sometimes I think I am going bananas with my brain in a constant whirl.
i do tend to run around after him when we are at my house which he doesn't really emulate when we are at his; well sometimes he does, it depends on his moods. I do it because of inate politeness, he is in my home, and because I was on my own for so long I take great pleasure in cooking and caring for someone. No different when anyone comes really, except perhaps my friends are not so demanding. Actually, no one else really comes anymore, he doesn't feel really comfortable with it. He doesn't have any friends except on FB.
 
I think, once, about a year ago he had a sort of thing one night with a girl he met in a local pub. Not full sex, I know that, but it hurts and he hated it when I flung that at him. I know by now when he lies and denies. Other than that, no, he has problems with sex and can only do it if he has taken drugs, but he is quite blatant when we are out doing double takes at any slim girl with long hair. It can be quite humiliating but I have learnt not to say anything. I haven't seen him since Sunday evening when I walked out so it's always in my mind that he has found someone. I am so sorry you have to deal with that. Part of me wishes he would as certainty would be a deal breaker for me but the horror of it gets shoved to the back of my brain somewhere. I know it is an awful thing to say but sometimes I wish he would just die, isn't that really bad?, and I am so ashamed of it.