Triggers: Better to avoid them or face them head on?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wanted to post my thoughts on those things that trigger us and how everyone here deals with said things. These can be places, songs, physical items, pictures etc., really just anything that instantly makes us miss and long for the good times with our ex pwBPD.

For me, places are really triggering for some reason and I've gone about dealing with them in a few different ways yet can't determine which is more effective for my healing. I've gone out of my way to drive places on a different route to avoid seeing a restaurant we used to eat at, I've even not sat in the same place in my apartment because it was where I used to sit with her (I've now moved out of that place but just an example). On the other hand, I've also had many times where I specifically forced myself to face up to something that I know would trigger me, whether it be going to the same bar we used to go to or listening to a song that we used to share. Part of me thinks that facing these things now (~2 months after the discard) will be better in the long run but wow, sometimes the pain can really bring me back down to a very low point when I had been having an otherwise good day before seeing/experiencing this triggering thing. Today, I drove home to see my parents & the last time I was up here she had come with me. I was feeling fine the whole way up but then I stopped at a gas station and as soon as I walked in, I had incredibly vivid memories of how I had gone here with my ex the last time I had come up. I remember seeing her walking over to a certain place in the store and even remember what she bought - just getting in the car and leaving by myself after was for some reason immensely painful.

I'm just wondering if anyone who is farther along in this process can share their thoughts on this. Is it better to jump right into these things to sort of "pull the bandaid off" and get the worst pain of triggering these memories out of the way now or is it instead better to heal more covertly and then face these things later when you've had time to build up some resiliency? I'm not sure why I'm asking now as I haven't had much of a choice and have gone with the first option out of necessity since I first lived in the same place where she abandoned me in and I still live in the same city where we lived for the entire relationship. Living in the apartment where we lived together, where I only moved to for her benefit and to be with her, that was truly excruciatingly painful and unavoidable since I needed time to find a new place to live. Sleeping in the same place where we slept, walking by her empty closet every day, just having constant flashbacks to where we sat on the couch - it was overwhelmingly painful and I'm glad to be out of that place now. I often have strong feelings of resentment towards her for how she was able to just leave our place on a whim, never to look back and I'm sure this helped accelerate her detachment from me (if there was even any to be done). Now that I live in a new place that has no association to her, I have more control over how to approach these triggering things and I want to make sure I'm doing so in the way that will best benefit my recovery.

Thanks to everyone for any input on this.

[pjstock42]

I wanted to post my thoughts on those things that trigger us and how everyone here deals with said things. These can be places, songs, physical items, pictures etc., really just anything that instantly makes us miss and long for the good times with our ex pwBPD.

For me, places are really triggering for some reason and I've gone about dealing with them in a few different ways yet can't determine which is more effective for my healing. I've gone out of my way to drive places on a different route to avoid seeing a restaurant we used to eat at, I've even not sat in the same place in my apartment because it was where I used to sit with her (I've now moved out of that place but just an example). On the other hand, I've also had many times where I specifically forced myself to face up to something that I know would trigger me, whether it be going to the same bar we used to go to or listening to a song that we used to share. Part of me thinks that facing these things now (~2 months after the discard) will be better in the long run but wow, sometimes the pain can really bring me back down to a very low point when I had been having an otherwise good day before seeing/experiencing this triggering thing. Today, I drove home to see my parents & the last time I was up here she had come with me. I was feeling fine the whole way up but then I stopped at a gas station and as soon as I walked in, I had incredibly vivid memories of how I had gone here with my ex the last time I had come up. I remember seeing her walking over to a certain place in the store and even remember what she bought - just getting in the car and leaving by myself after was for some reason immensely painful.

I'm just wondering if anyone who is farther along in this process can share their thoughts on this. Is it better to jump right into these things to sort of "pull the bandaid off" and get the worst pain of triggering these memories out of the way now or is it instead better to heal more covertly and then face these things later when you've had time to build up some resiliency? I'm not sure why I'm asking now as I haven't had much of a choice and have gone with the first option out of necessity since I first lived in the same place where she abandoned me in and I still live in the same city where we lived for the entire relationship. Living in the apartment where we lived together, where I only moved to for her benefit and to be with her, that was truly excruciatingly painful and unavoidable since I needed time to find a new place to live. Sleeping in the same place where we slept, walking by her empty closet every day, just having constant flashbacks to where we sat on the couch - it was overwhelmingly painful and I'm glad to be out of that place now. I often have strong feelings of resentment towards her for how she was able to just leave our place on a whim, never to look back and I'm sure this helped accelerate her detachment from me (if there was even any to be done). Now that I live in a new place that has no association to her, I have more control over how to approach these triggering things and I want to make sure I'm doing so in the way that will best benefit my recovery.

Thanks to everyone for any input on this.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi pj-

I'm a fan of face a trigger head on, since things become less triggering with time and new exposure, and we can literally wear a trigger out as we build new memories around it.  The only caveat being if facing a certain trigger is so debilitating that it screws up our day, then deal with other ones first, all part of taking our power back, but sometimes we haven't taken enough back yet.

You were living in the place you shared until recently, and I know you wanted to get out of there, but as yourself and think about how triggering was that place after you'd had a couple of months to weaken it? 

[pjstock42]

You were living in the place you shared until recently, and I know you wanted to get out of there, but as yourself and think about how triggering was that place after you'd had a couple of months to weaken it?  

This is a good point and I can definitely say that having to be there for 2 months while going through this incredibly traumatizing experience on my own definitely did weaken the effect that the apartment had on me. At first, I couldn't stand to even be alive in that place, just driving into the driveway after work and walking in the door to an empty place made me feel so miserable and I felt like I just needed to drink all the time to numb myself from the pain. That eventually started to improve and after a while I started to actually like the place after moving things around and creating a new sort of "comfort zone" for myself.

Before moving out, I had been hyping up moving day to myself thinking that the act of moving everything out of there by myself would send me into a very emotional state but that never happened. In fact, I actually went back to the emptied out place a few days later when I really had no reason to, just to do some extra cleaning and make the landlord's life a bit easier since he had been very helpful through the whole situation. So to answer your question, it does seem as though that facing that triggering place head on helped to weaken the strong emotions that it invoked directly after the discard so this would probably apply to other places/things/associations as well. I still wonder how this played out in my exes head when she was just able to leave the place and never look back. In her painting to black email which was our last contact (nearly 2 months ago) she made a point to say how difficult this was on her, how she passed out at work because of the stress from this blah blah blah so if any of that is true (I have my doubts) I wonder how she would feel if she somehow had to be in the area where that apartment is in the future? I guess that's a moot point now and I'm not sure why I'm expending mental energy trying to figure out how this person who is dead to me thinks but that's just where my mind is at right now.

[michel71]

I can tell you of my experiences from a past and very traumatic relationship breakup.
I dated this girl, fell crazy in love and then she dumped me... .HARD!
She worked for Starbucks so I couldn't go to a Starbucks for a year. The smell of coffee made me cry. Eventually I went to another chain and it felt okay.
I couldn't listen to Nickelback. For about two years. To listen to them now just creeps me out but no sadness or longing.
Going to the market was the worst. They always played "lost love" love songs. I dreaded this for about a year. I say stick with Trader Joe's or go to farmer's markets. Better yet, order online from INSTACART.
Places? Luckily I moved out of the area. But I didn't go back for years.
Clothes I wore when I was with her: didn't matter much because I lost so much weight that they wouldn't fit anymore.
My advise is to make new memories... .asap... .change things around. Listen to talk radio. Do different things entirely.
Stay strong my friend.

[enlighten me]

For me the best way to deal with triggers is ti replace the memories of that trigger.

Ive started to associate song with things other than my exgf. Ive replaced memories of places that I used to associate with my ex with new memories. I livedin Germany for a while with my ex wife. I took my son there for a trip which was very triggering at the time. Now though when I think of Germany I dont think of my ex wife I think of my sons face at seeing all the new things.

Bars, restraunts, songs etc can all be given a new meaning. Have a fun night out with friends at the restraunt and it will slowly take over as your memory of the place.

This has worked for me so im more in the tackle it head on camp.

[rfriesen]

Hi PJ,

I have to agree with fromhealtoheel that facing triggers head-on -- so long as they're not debilitating -- is the most empowering way forward. A big positive out of this whole experience can be learning not to be afraid to feel powerful emotions, even powerfully bad emotions -- hurt, loss, anxiety, regret, longing, depression.

We tend to think of being strong as being free from those kinds of negative emotions, or being able to brush them off. But, really, a moment of serious reflection (or, if that doesn't do it, then the aftermath of a BPD relationship!) should make us realise that real strength is being able to face those emotions, to feel them but also learn to carry them more lightly, not to run from them. That's the "gift" of these relationships, though obviously one we have to work hard for. The strength to feel powerful negative emotions, even when the experience is extremely unpleasant, can bring us a strength that also comes with a deep sense of confidence in being able to handle whatever situations life throws at us. But - I have to admit - I've given up trying to achieve that strength through some kind of single "breakthrough" moment. It's a lot of hard work, many small breakthrough moments, lots of backsliding, starting again ... .the kind of experiences you might have by trying to face your triggers ... .all the nitty gritty stuff of being human that we humans tend to spend our lives running away from.

I had a distance running coach once who liked to say, "the key to long distance running is learning not to let physical pain turn into psychological pain." I find there's a kind of analogy here -- the key to overcoming all these triggers is learning not to let emotional/psychological pain turn into the kind of fear that makes us run away from ourselves. Learning to sit with painful/unpleasant experiences and to see that "it's just pain" -- it's not an easy trick and it doesn't make the pain actually go away. But it can give us the confidence to accept that painful emotions are part of being human too and we can learn to see them that way, not as this terrifying bogeyman we spend our lives running from.

Just my two cents

[once removed]

great question pjstock,

i think whether to face a trigger head on or not depends on the motivation. making new memories and replacing old ones, generally a good idea. checking the facebook, hoping to bump into the ex, remaining surrounded by relationship memorabilia, throwing out feelers, listening to sad music/relationship songs, not "bad ideas", and many of us have certainly done those things, but all some of the biggest triggers and theres a good case for avoiding them.

[rfriesen]

Great point by onceremoved. I was thinking of facing triggers head-on in the context of your usual daily life, not in the sense of seeking them out just for the sake of facing triggers. I think if we're actively seeking out triggers, then - as onceremoved notes - we should also reflect on what our motivation is for doing so, whether we're hoping to hang onto old feelings, and whether that's keeping us stuck in unhealthy rumination.

PJ, I also meant to add -- having to live in the apartment you once shared with your ex must have been a tremendous challenge. I can only imagine. Sounds like you did an amazing job of handling the whole situation, working on good terms with your landlord and holding NC and remaining civil even when your ex was trying to provoke you. Those are no small feats! It's worth remembering that at times when you feel that you're struggling to move forward.