NC and a funeral

[Depression = 72% of members]

What do you do when you have gone NC and that person dies?  Do you attend the funeral?  Do you sit with the family?  My extended family knows my mother has pushed me and others away but continue to say I only hav one mother... .Bla bla bla. She has also convinced my brother to stop all contact with me. I often think of what I will do. I know I shouldn't worry about it but I do. I could happen tomorrow. Actually she has told me to not come to her funeral and that she will just see me in heaven. Urg

Thanks for letting me vent.

[vmsh]

What do you do when you have gone NC and that person dies?  Do you attend the funeral?  Do you sit with the family?  My extended family knows my mother has pushed me and others away but continue to say I only hav one mother... .Bla bla bla. She has also convinced my brother to stop all contact with me. I often think of what I will do. I know I shouldn't worry about it but I do. I could happen tomorrow. Actually she has told me to not come to her funeral and that she will just see me in heaven. Urg

Thanks for letting me vent.

[hope2727]

I am sorry for your loss. I went NC with my father years ago. He died suddenly and I was faced with the same decision. There is no right answer. I chose to go and slip into the back and then out discretely. I can say it was quite the experience. I was accompanied by a dear friend and I was glad she came as a witness to the madness. I hope whatever you do you realize you are doing it for yourself and no one else. Whatever you chose as long as its right for you its right.  Good luck with your decision.
 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Vmsh, 

I like the thought that hope2727, suggests, that if and when the time comes that you need to make this choice, take a safe, trusted person along with you as support for YOU! That way they can be a buffer and a second set of ears and eyes, and one who understands the situation beforehand.

I believe the most important question to help you get an answer is: what do you need for yourself? Do you need to attend for your own personal closure? Or is it better for you to stay away? What is most healthy for your whole being, body, soul, and spirit?

Whatever you decide is best is the best. Be free from any and all obligation. You are an adult and get to decide for yourself. 

Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY vmsh:   

I tend to agree with what others have said.  It is a personal decision and there isn't a right answer.  I've seen some posts where they went to the funeral and found an opportunity to reconcile with other family members.  That doesn't necessarily mean that it would work for your.  We all have different personalities in play and BPD traits tend to run in families in varying degrees.

Depending on her final wishes, you can grieve or have a remembrance in your own way.  If she will be buried, you can visit the grave or what might be applicable.

[Turkish]

What is she really asking you here?  To me,  it sounds like probably once again to be responsible for her feelings (i.e., to rescue her). When did she tell you this,  and how did you respond?

[Notwendy]

It has been a common thing for my mother's FOO to chime in on their "opinion" when I have set boundaries with my mother. " but she's your mother... ."  but they don't really know the nature of the relationship.

As to going to a funeral ( when that time comes) I think it is about you and about your loved ones. First you, of course.

When my father passed away I was despondent and didn't want to attend the funeral. This idea horrified people- how could someone do something so disrespectful. Yet, my reasoning was this: he was gone, I was uncertain of the state of our relationship (BPD mom had painted me black to him and her FOO) and most who was left at the funeral was my mother's FOO and friends.

Now for why I went even if I didn't want to. My children loved their grandfather. I went in support of them. My father's remaining family: they don't like my mother- I went to be with them. My siblings. If even one person who I cared deeply about went, then that was enough reason for me to support them and let them support me.

I did not sit with my mother. I sat at the other end of the room and didn't socialize afterwards. This really irked my mother. However, at that point I was despondent and beyond consolation. I didn't want to hear one word from her, or anyone else. This was my way of self care. I couldn't put up with any social niceties at the moment.

So heaven willing, this decision will be a long time away. Know that you have choices to make- and make the one that is best for you- and the people who love you/you love- at the time.

[vmsh]

Turkish, this is the second time I've heard it.  Once was about 20+ years ago, when she came to my house unexpectedly and upon discussion, got upset, starting hitting me and told me to not attend her funeral and stormed out crying and yelling.  This recent episode was in a card.

Notwendy, yes, I've often thought I'd go for my children.  Hopefully it won't happen soon, and the youngest will be old enough to make that decision to go on their own.  They are currently 21 and 12.  I am sure the oldest won't go as she has bipolar and depression issues of her own, and she and my mother also don't speak to each other. 

Thanks for all of the support here.  My extended family is very religious and most have preached to me about only having one mother and what God would want, not realizing that this is between me and God.  They say just let it go and keep trying.  I do but they don't get that each time I heal, she comes back with more hurt.  I guess technically I don't completely heal or the new hurts would no longer hurt. 

Anyway, I am not sure how I could handle all of that at a funeral.  So maybe attending the viewing or something before the funeral with a friend or my husband is best.

[Turkish]

You could speak their language.  "I'm honoring my mother by not attending her funeral as she requested of me on multiple occasions."

I'm not suggesting the following,  but you could preface with, "she provokes me to wrath,  as the Bible instructs parents not to do. "