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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: fiance  (Read 389 times)
bp9218

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: September 05, 2016, 07:20:35 PM »

I met this wonderful man 2 years ago. Fell so deep in love. My degree is in psychology and I question my sanity. I'm convinced he has BPD.  I give my all and try to do whatever I can. We have broke up and got back together I don't know how many times. He has physically hurt me when raging as well as emotionally. Will break up and tell me we will never get back together again. He can't stand me he hates me he don't love me and I'm a weak woman. He has spit in my fave as well as called me sum awful names. Every time I think we really done he will usually text or call or something before 2 weeks is up. How long will they do this? When will I know if he finally done so I can allow my heart to heal? Its crazy one min he calls all the time snuggles can't sleep without me to Harding me in .2 seconds. The awful things he says and does hurt so much. Anyway advice would b great. Will he ever really let go?
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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Lastbreath

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 13


« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2016, 09:01:17 PM »

bp9218,

Hello, and welcome to the life of chaos.  It saddens me to hear of your situation and I'm sorry that you're experiencing such emotional turmoil.  I know first hand how rough it can be.  I'm married 22 years to my uBPDw.  You have just described my worse fear.  I fear my daughters end up in a relationship like you have described because of the things that they have witnessed and experienced in our home.  My heart goes out to you.  I truly understand your pain.

I would suggest as a starting point that you do a little self reflection first.  Figure out what is is about this man and your past that causes you to stay, to put up with inexcusable behavior/treatment, what is the reason you forgive him and continue this madness?  Is it lack of self esteem, or is it related to something else?  Knowing yourself is very important to understanding the why/how we react to situations or why we stay, and how we interpret life.

Next, I would educate yourself so that you can start to establish boundaries to protect yourself.  You need a network, a safe place, the ability to relax.  The lessons here will also help to reduce the sting from the things you endure within your relationship during times of dysregulation.  There is an art to living with BPD both for the one who suffers from this illness and the one who chooses to live their life with them.  It's near impossible without knowledge of how to communicate effectively.  Communication is very different than with any other relationship.  Good news is that learning how to communicate with the BPD will help you in every relationship you have.  You'll become a better listener and a better communicator.  The lessons will help prevent you from being so reactive and emotionally charged.  You'll also learn to set boundaries and the all important idea of self care.  There is much work to do.  I wish you the best of luck!
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bp9218

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2016, 11:16:32 PM »

I stay with him because I know he wants and needs love. I also know when things are good they are so good. I am also a woman of my word and when he asked me to promise him to not walk out of his life like everyone has done when it gets hard I made that promise to him. I love him cus its amazing its crazy its like no other. Its just the rages are getting worse but he did get me an apartment across the street form him to keep me safe when he starts to rage if I would just leave instead I get mad and hurt and try to understand what's going on
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Jessica84
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2016, 07:04:26 AM »

When he rages, leave. Don't stay to understand. Emotions are illogical anyway. You are not leaving permanently, only until the emotions settle down. Leaving will protect you from getting hurt, and also protect him from feeling shame for all the things he says and does during a rage. It may feel like abandonment, but having this boundary is actually the most loving thing you can do for both of you. 

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isilme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2016, 10:55:05 AM »

Excerpt
How long will they do this? When will I know if he finally done so I can allow my heart to heal?

He will never be "done" for real.  You can't wait for him to make the choices for you.  It's honestly up to you to choose to stay or leave.  He is engaging in the push/pull of a BPD relationship.  As the non-BPD person, sadly, all of the actual choices and chances to modify behavior start with you. 

Boundaries are needed.  These are not easy, but with physical abuse, you need to let yourself understand you do not need to stand there and take it.  That action is not getting through to him as "look, she cares so much and won't leave me she stays and lets me hit her".  That would require him to be rational at a time when he is decidedly not. 

Jessica84 said it very well - boundaries are to protect you both.
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bp9218

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2016, 12:22:19 PM »

What do u mean he will never really be done? I started therphy today with hopes since this last time he did it in front of friends he will really be done. Do u mean is gonna try to come back again or how do I know he will really be done. Its been 4 days since contact but last night he came outside and watched me till I went in my apartment was a Lil creepy.
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schwing
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married to a non
Posts: 3614


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« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2016, 12:44:34 PM »

hi bp9218,

Welcome

We have broke up and got back together I don't know how many times. He has physically hurt me when raging as well as emotionally. Will break up and tell me we will never get back together again. He can't stand me he hates me he don't love me and I'm a weak woman. He has spit in my fave as well as called me sum awful names. Every time I think we really done he will usually text or call or something before 2 weeks is up. How long will they do this?

I don't know how long your BPD loved one will continue to do this.  Some people with BPD (pwBPD) recover from their disorder.  Some do not. It might help you to understand what exactly he is doing and perhaps get a glimpse of perhaps why he is doing what he is doing. I'll try to communicate what I understand about this disorder and hopefully some of what I write will be helpful to you.

When will I know if he finally done so I can allow my heart to heal? Its crazy one min he calls all the time snuggles can't sleep without me to Harding me in .2 seconds. The awful things he says and does hurt so much. Anyway advice would b great. Will he ever really let go?

As indicated in the DSM, pwBPD exhibit "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."  When you alternate between breaking up/abuse and "snuggles", I think your BPD loved one is switching between devaluation and idealization. You are living through this pattern.

My understanding is that one reason why pwBPD "alternate" in this way is because of another quality of their disorder: "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." For PwBPD, feeling of closeness and intimacy (that which is familial) seem to trigger disordered feelings of abandonment. In other words, the closer he feels towards you, the more he is inclined to *imagine* that you will abandon him.

And this is why it seems whenever your relationship seems very good, it then suddenly seems like he behaves very badly, imagining that you will either betray or abandon him. And in order to *avoid abandonment*, he abandons you first. If he abandons you, you cannot abandon him. And once these disordered feelings die down. He might "recycle" you; or repeat the same pattern with you.

I stay with him because I know he wants and needs love. I also know when things are good they are so good. I am also a woman of my word and when he asked me to promise him to not walk out of his life like everyone has done when it gets hard I made that promise to him.


He does want/need love.  However, love is not helping him deal with his disorder.  And it makes sense that he would want you to promise never to walk out of his life (i.e. abandon him), but your promise nor your actions will not do anything to alleviate his disordered feelings. It is questionable that he does not even believe his feelings are disordered.

Its just the rages are getting worse but he did get me an apartment across the street form him to keep me safe when he starts to rage if I would just leave instead I get mad and hurt and try to understand what's going on

His rages are probably getting worse, because his disordered feelings are escalating.  Why? Probably because his feelings of closeness and intimacy towards you are increasing as he spends more time with you.

What do u mean he will never really be done? I started therphy today with hopes since this last time he did it in front of friends he will really be done. Do u mean is gonna try to come back again or how do I know he will really be done. Its been 4 days since contact but last night he came outside and watched me till I went in my apartment was a Lil creepy.

Hopefully his therapy will lead him to start addressing his issues. But so long as he behaves as if you are the problem, then you will need to be careful, especially since he has already been physically violent towards you.

If you want to try to limit his behavior, I suggest you maintain more formality and distance in your dealings with him until you decide how best to move forward from here.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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