Heart-broken
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: September 06, 2016, 04:09:58 AM » |
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I'm out of our house, with our teenager and busy trying to make home for us both. I cannot seem to ignore his jabs, texts and deliberate hooks of projection. It was massive sleep deprivation that revealed who my H actually was. Behind the seemingly affable smile was a dark soul who secretly had late night "sessions" of the sexual nature, online, in another room of our home. I worked constantly and always worried about money. He, an actor, worked when he got a part. Two years ago, after I was absolutely spent from working 2 jobs, I told him how unhappy I was. It fell on deaf ears. Last year, after receiving disturbing test results from my annual mammogram, I told him I truly needed his help. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Between dealing with a medical issue and working around the clock, I was over tired, extremely unhappy and scared about the lump that had spread. It was then my life, as I knew it, ended. He became annoyed. No empathy. Dismissive. I had never truly asked for his help aside from house chores or errands. He continued to smile, act as though I never reached out, and stayed busy with menial tasks. When I'd revisit my concerns, he'd shrug them off. This was not the man I had married. Not the face he had showed our family or friends. I immediately thought HE must have a medical condition, for this was uncharacteristic of my husband and his consistent claims of our "magical love." I booked him a doctors apt. Turned out he had massively low testosterone. I was actually relived. I felt with proper medication, I could have my love, my partner, my H back. As the days continued with the new medication, our lives baca me all about "daddy's medical issue." I tried to speak with him about my own, but he became annoyed. It was as if because I was now broken, I was of no use to him any longer. After SEVERAL discussions, all of which (I later discovered) were woven from lies to paint himself a victim that I would continue to care for, he became scary. When I discovered his late night "hobbies" I felt insecure and immediately tried to save our marriage. When I asked him about his fantasies, he fired back with an answer that chilled me to the bone. "Wanna know my fantasy? You die. I get everything. Everyone feels sorry for me because they know how much I loved you." I was in shock. I tired to justify his answer to myself. Medication, not himself... .Even asked him nightly to please, help me make sense of this statement. I die? Why do I have to die? He's fired back cuttingly, "jeez, it's a FANTASY! Don't you know what a fantasy is? It doesn't mean anything!" I was more stunned that he'd never back down, never take it back, never apologize. Simply attempt to make me feel stupid and as if I was over reacting. This new, cruel persona got me to ask MANY questions. The more I'd ask, the more irate and rage filled he'd become. I found copious amounts of email address I'd never knew existed. Most, in MY name. Hotmail, private domains, Skype, linked in, aol, Instagram, my life, Twitter, vine, etc. I felt so stupid. I never had time for social media. I had no clue how any of it worked, nor the time or desire to pursue. I was, I thought, happily married to a nice man, with a bit of an ego, but nothing that over shadowed our lives... .Or so I thought. It became the most unnerving when just after our boy started high school. A new school with no friends. He knew no one. He came home one day and couldn't hold back the tears of how hard it was and lonely he felt. I looked to my H, he had a blank stare. I held my boy, turned to his dad, and received a look of "what?"
I felt that my life was collapsing around me. All I knew was "try to fix." I lost the extra pounds, dressed to reveal my large breasts as opposed to the way I had always hidden them and felt self conscious. I tried to compete with the younger bodies he had spent years rewiring his brain to. This only brought out a more abusive, humiliation component to our sex life that had never been present. I was lost. Although I was uncomfortable, I naively thought if I could please him, THEN, I could have the man I knew back in my corner, helping me repair the life that I worked so hard for. It only made him more entitled, and, rage-filled if his erections didn't hold up. If I cried and asked if it was me, he would immediately speak of his own frustration and how he was betrayed by his own penis. This is when I truly noticed the lack of any responsibility.
I read everything I could find. Watched Ted Talks, documentaries, all in the topic of the mental hardware damage done by constant porn use. I reached out to a private, pricy, therapist in the field, thinking he could be someone for my H to anonymously speak with. However, most of the sessions were spent complaining about me. Therapist, psychologist, specialist... .They all turned to me and asked, "why would you stay with him?" I felt so stupid. This was a side I had never known in 20 years. On the contrary, he displayed the polar opposite daily. Agreeable, always saw the bright side, willing to do carpool and make dinners-
I never put together, um, yeah, so you could keep working and stay busy so he could do whatever he pleased. Our bank accounts were declining at a rapid rate. Because I was always working "paying bills and making deposits" was daddy's job. That along with all things tech related. Turns out, he spent a great deal of time mastering developers resources and paying for tons of subscriptions. Anytime a new discovery was made, he'd become mean. Dismissive. Lie how he told me, but i never cared. How I was an ingrate. He'd set up accounts in my name, for ME, yet, I never knew. So how was I benefitting? How was I an ingrate. He'd have to tell me for me to use or enjoy. He'd always say, "so i forgot, big deal. Doesn't mean I'm guilty."
I was lost in a sea of deception. After two violent outbursts, which he blamed on the testosterone treatment, I pleaded for him to go. He refused. He laughed at me. Called me names, called me stupid. He knew I had a high IQ. Something that apparently he felt competitive about ( I thought he was proud ). He follow me around the house poking at me, "hey, 152 IQ, if you're so f-ing smart... ."
I was totally alone. NO ONE believed me. Not even my mother, who loves him. Yes, I was raised by a narcissist, so I knew the eggshells bit well. I've been so alone. I reached out to maybe 2 friends who also said, "that doesn't sound like him." As if I didn't have enough stressors in my life, I'd have to make up some embarrassing dousy like this horrific situation. Finally, after he became blatantly emotionally abusive, I had to leave. At first, my son wanted to go with me, but after 3 days of mom in a hotel room, crying, no doubt, poor baby wanted to go home. A no feeling parent looked much better than one who felt too much. I didn't blame him. This situation went one way too long, as I kept thinking I could assist I repair, accept him, love him inspite of what he had said, done. This only gave him more power, more aloofness.
I'm now semi situated. Not working, but put some money away. Enough to hold me over for a few months until I can wrap my head around the end of 20 years. His consistent attempts to make me question myself, re write events, and the worst, adapt any of the things I'd bring up as HIS. If I said I felt as though he didn't see me, like there was no room for my wants or feelings in this marriage, within 24 hours, that would become HIS mantra. I was flabbergasted! I'm still in shock. How long have I been overworked and completed blind? I've yet to deal with my own mammogram results. I'm simply trying to NOT respond angrily to his daily tests and pokes. I feel so utterly alone. Thank God for my son. He overheard too much, which is horrible. Yet, he chose to come with me. He's a compassionate soul. Please, can anyone help me to NOT feel the fool? ❤️Broken.
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