Don't know how to help myself.

[littlejoys95]

My mom is hard to get along with...
I am 21 years old and have lived with her for 18 years, until I went to college out of state for college.
While living with her she makes it very hard to be independent and be myself. I never feel like she has accepted me for who I am. She is micromanaging with everything in my life and tends to get very possessive and jealous.
She has abused me mentally and emotionally. The more she repeated the same things, I started to feel as if I shouldn't even be alive because I was such a failure in "her eyes".
I am blessed that I had my family to help me through this struggle. They remind me that she is like that to everyone, especially those in her family.
Growing up it was hard to maintain friendships because she never let me out of the house unless it was to and from school (or if I was in a sport).
When I got into high school she would look through everything in my phone. The craziest part is that she would respond to my text messages, acting like me.
When it came to communication I felt like I couldn't trust her. She would call me some of the worst names, and use the mistakes I made against me and remind me constantly.
She called me crazy and ended up taking me to a therapist and psychotherapist. I was labelled as Bipolar in 2010. I was blamed for brining the family down and treated like I was a disappointment.
As I have grown up with her, it has made me a very strong person as I have learned that I cannot change her, until she helps herself. I now live with my aunt and am glad that I do not have to be living at my parent's house.
I get along with my brother and father great and try to keep the waters calm with her even though she tries to get under my skin.

My question is how do you love someone with this disorder? I'm not saying that I don't because of course I do... but how do you I cope with the constant put downs and hurt that has been done?
Also how can I help her so we can at least have an enjoyable visit?
Any other advice would be great!

Thank you!
Littlejoys95

[Mutt]

Hi littlejoys95,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you had to go through that in your childhood. I would find it very difficult with being controlled like that. Mothers with BPD tend to enmesh themselves with children because they don't know where they end and the other person begins. We don't need to label as mentally ill, mental illness doesn't define someone, a pwBPD split people and they split themselves too and will project negative aspects or feelings about themselves. That said, if she's not respecting your boundaries and views you as an extension of herself, I think that the diagnsis was a reflect of herself and that's why she treated you differently.

I'm sorry if I'm answering your question with a question but have you heard of radical acceptance? There's a partial answer in your introduction post.

As I have grown up with her, it has made me a very strong person as I have learned that I cannot change her, until she helps herself.

That's insightful. You've learned to accept that you can't change her - elements of radical acceptance.

[Turkish]

Hi littlejoys95,

If like to join Mutt in welcoming you to our family  

A pwBPD (person with BPD) is in a way an incomplete Self.  One of the diagnostic criteria is "chronic feelings of emptiness." They may or may not be acutely aware of this (my ex used to say she felt "empty" and I couldn't fathom what she was saying). A pwBPD attaches to another in order to deal with these feelings,  to feel whole.

I also thought of enmeshment by reading your story.  Your mother projected her fears onto you.  Christine Ann Lawson,  in her book,  Understanding the Borderline Mother she states that the Hermit's dominant emotional state is fear.  

Though it's natural for parents to worry about their kids,  but her level of control sounds pathological.  It hurt you,  and the verbal and emotional abuse were damaging.  Even so,  you should be proud of yourself for taking major steps to be an independent person.  

Please stick around.  We can support you in dealing with the put downs.  This isn't a quick fix,  but a journey,  and you've found a group of people who understand.  The resources at the top of the board are a good place to start reading and asking questions.  

As for the impending visit,  asserting boundaries can help.  You will likely be met with major push back,  but being consistent is the key to asserting your independence.  Here is another key point: you aren't responsible for her feelings.  You've likely grown up with the feeling that you were and are,  but you're not.  This is one of my favorite articles here:

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

That may help more in the long term.  This takes time. For the immediate,  some of the communication tools may help redirect conflict:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Let us know if this makes sense,  littlejoys95. We're here for you.  

Turkish

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI littlejoys95:

I'd like to join Mutt and Turkish in welcoming you. They both brought up some good points to think about and some links to lessons.  There is a lot of helpful information here.  You may want to explore some of the links to right of this post, when you are ready.  All the information can seem a bit overwhelming, but if you take it a step at a time, you will likely find some communication tools that can be helpful.

 I'm so sorry about the situation with your mother.  It has to be hard for you.  Unfortunately, we can't change someone who doesn't want to change.  We can only change how we react and interact.  Sometimes a technique called Medium Chill can help with establishing some neutral communication:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0

I am blessed that I had my family to help me through this struggle. They remind me that she is like that to everyone, especially those in her family. . .

I get along with my brother and father great and try to keep the waters calm with her even though she tries to get under my skin. . . .

I'm glad that you have some support from other family members.  Has your mom done any "splitting" (painting someone all while or all black)?  Do she treat your brother any differently?