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Author Topic: Attachment to Objects  (Read 487 times)
WendyDavid
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« on: September 11, 2016, 10:47:35 AM »

Hello

Although I'm separating from my husband with BPD, I've come to this board because I'm looking for advice from people who are trying to help their BPD partner or family member.

My husband with BPD had huge attachment issues to objects.  Examples include, claiming a certain object is a representation of himself, believing that if people touch objects that belong to him that they are trying to harm him emotionally, and belief that throwing away objects that do not belong to him but he has feelings about is a direct way of expressing negative feelings about him.

I have already told my husband that I'm only taking my clothes and a couple things I have from my family when I leave.  He can have everything else.  However, even touching objects that are mine -- like my old clothes that don't fit me anymore -- sets off the rage.

He will not participate in the move.  He has passive-aggressively found ways to avoid getting the house ready for us to sell.   

Does anyone have advice about this?  I want him to focus on himself and his recovery.  I knew that selling the house was going to be a very big problem with his BPD issues.  Is there any way we can make this better for him?
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Hlinthewiking
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« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2016, 12:57:27 PM »

Maybe I can help. I may not be BPD (I'm a codependant), but I have something similar your husband has.

I'v always had attachment to some or most objects. If you pick up anything I have, being a piece of cloth I bought last year or a tiny pencil that I have from decades ago, I can tell you everything about that object, where I got it, how long I did, things I did with it, memories it brings me.

My exBPDgf gave me a t-shirt on our first valentines day and it was the only thing she ever gave me in our whole relationship. She bought it a size smaller but she wanted me to change it for her, since it was so symbolic to me and she was the one who had picked it up for me, I couldn't change it, it wouldn't be the actual shirt she picked for me as our first gift, I never wore it, I kept it as a sacred object.

Last year we broke up for 4 months, I tried to get back together in that meantime, we saw each other one day and I feared she could go away and I would never see her again, so I hugged her hard and asked her to sign her name on the tag of that shirt she gave me.

We broke up looks like for good this year and I still kept things like her dirty kleenex tissue she used last time we saw each other, her cup she used, the chocolate bar we were both eating last I can't bare to toss or eat and it's still saved in the refrigerator.

I have some other objects from my childhood who I hold dear to me. I would say your husband is trying to hold on to memories that those objects bring to him. The memories are in his head, but the objects are the keys to the doors where those memories are kept and he fears that he will forget how to access them without those objects.

I would have a supporting talk to him about it, if it doesn't work I suggest you offer him keeping pictures of those objects and having a more significant object he can keep other then several small ones.

Hope this helps.

Edit: About the house, he may feel like giving up the house is accepting that you are gone for good and if he really attaches the house to you, it will be really hard to move forward if at all. Think of the house like a key collection to a whole avenue of memories. I would try to separate your relationship from the house, you would have been together or separated regardless of that house.
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VitaminC
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« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2016, 03:13:39 PM »

Hi WendyD  

Attachment to objects - also so-called transitional objects - is big area in psychology. Objects hold symbolic significance for many people, though obviously the intensity of it varies hugely. I think Hlin made some perceptive points and some good suggestions about trying to offer substitutes.

It might help to think of what you would do for a young child who is very attached to a teddy bear that really needs to go in the wash. One of my own earliest memories is a teddy bear of my own, as big as me at the time, being washed and hanging on a line to dry. I was very distressed to see him clipped to a line by his ears and was in a state of anxiety until he was finally dry enough to come down off it. And here's a weird little thing, when I make my annual visit to my parental home (my folks live in another country), one of the things I do at some point, is fish out the teddy and give him a hug and apologize for keeping him locked up in a cupboard. I'm not weird like that with any other objects Smiling (click to insert in post) .   Probably most of us could relate to some degree to how your husband feels.

There's a link to be made between emotional development and the degree to which we invest objects with power.

There's a decent enough (and short) wikipedia entry on comfort objects, which came up when I googled "attachment to objects". It's here:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_object

Can I clarify in what way this is a problem for you? You say that your husband becomes angry when you touch your own belongings - or when he does? That's obviously not pleasant for either of you, but how exactly is this an issue for you? Does it make it difficult to gather up your things in preparation for leaving? Or is it more that you are distressed at his distress?

Seeing the things slowly being boxed up or prepared for it would be difficult for anyone at the end of a relationship. It's the undeniable reality of what is actually happening that is hard to face, particularly for a person with BPD - characterized by abandonment issues, remember.  

When I moved out of my ex's place, I did it gradually and moved things when he wasn't around. In the end, when there were only a few things left and I needed help to cart them out, he disappeared completely while a couple of friends helped me. That wasn't the way I wanted it to happen - but I recognized that there was no way he could deal in a mature and calm way with what was happening. Maturity and calm, whatever we mean by these things, are not characteristics we can expect of our pwBPD.

How long will the move take? What sort of time period are we talking about? It is more than likely that you will have to be consistently and constantly re-stating, calmly and maturely, what is happening. And proceeding at a steady but slow enough pace - if not upsetting him is what high on your agenda.

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WendyDavid
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« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2016, 05:17:04 PM »

Thank you Hlinthewiking and VitaminC for your views.

I'm glad he wants to keep the memories and use the objects.  I wish I could help him separate the memories from the objects and house, but his whole existence is in the physical world.  What I mean is that he does not allow himself to feel unless there is some physical element.  But maybe the objects are a way to make feelings where they don't exist.  I really don't know and wish I understood. -- and to VitaminC, my husband was diagnosed a few months ago with BPD and two other mental illnesses.  His psychiatrist said the attachment to objects is likely the BPD.

So here is the problem:  I'm living every day in hell with him.  I need to get out of the house and I cannot afford the mortgage and rent at the same time.  The mortgage is in my name alone.  I've been advised not to leave my house for legal reasons.  His family has warned me not to trust him to the house by himself due to his feelings to sabotage the sale.

I have two wishes for this situation.  One is that I can get the house sold and both of us moved out without me being assaulted or blackmailed.  Two is that I want him to feel calmer so that he can have some success on his own (this will be the first time in his life he has lived on his own.  He went straight from mom's house to mine). 

I tried to go easy at first by only packing or throwing out my clothes and personal objects.  Then put some mundane things in boxes for him, like his videos.  However, he tried to be physically abusive to me when he saw things looked different in the house (I locked myself in a room) and blackmail me in the divorce and to my family.  He also accused me of moving stuff that wasn't moved or things that were put away over a year ago.  He imagined things used to be in the house that weren't... .it was hard to handle... .

Anyway, after he was quiet and I came out of hiding, I started a new topic of conversation and he was really tired.  The drama stopped for the night.  I'm not touching anything today because I don't have the energy for him.

I have to leave the timeline for the sale a bit loose because of the sabotaging on his part -- bringing more stuff home, making messes that take up whole rooms, starting new house/yard projects without telling me... .

Is it really OK for him to have these attachments?  I don't see the harm until something like this happens.  He has an object that he says "represents him" and he is ashamed of that.  After we separate, I want him to be successful on his own.  There is no way he will fit all this stuff into a new apartment or house he can afford.  As many pwBPD, he will likely do something self-destructive when he feels he is a failure at keeping all the stuff that he loves.  I will try the photo idea and I can move slowly if there is an end in sight.

Pray for him and all the pwBPDs
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2016, 07:43:06 AM »

Although it is understandable that you want him to be calmer and able to live on his own - and to be able to move while you both share a house, the reality seems different. For one, he has not ever lived on his own, and the idea could be terrifying. Because of this, it makes sense that he would behave reluctantly and even attempt to sabotage it- out of his fear.

But his feelings are his - and we don't have control over other people's feelings.

You have wishes for you, and one is to sell the house and separate. The question is how to do this. By making your plans contingent on some sort of cooperation from him, it makes things complicated.

I am not a lawyer, and don't know the legal ramifications of this- I do understand the concept that if one spouse leaves the home, it could be construed as abandonment. But I wonder about this in the context of physical abuse. If he tries to physically abuse you, you can call 911. Consulting a lawyer about what to do may give you some options.

As to objects, for my mother- with BPD, they are a source of control. If I left a favorite toy out, she would confiscate it or destroy it to punish me. She also threatened us that if we didn't do something, she would destroy things we were attached to. We were all fearful she would destroy important things like our possessions, sentimental objects, papers. If we were to touch or move anything of hers she would get very angry. When visiting her, we don't even dare use anything in the kitchen. She might complain about my childhood things in her house, but if I try to take them, she rages at me.

When my father was ill, he wanted to get his affairs in order but he needed help. I have teen kids who would have loved to spend time with him, helping him move boxes, sort through things. We tried this a couple of times, but my mother would stand in front of us, yelling and screaming that we don't dare move anything. My wish was that my kids could visit their grandfather and help him, but no way would I put them through that.

My H, ( some traits not full blown) is also very particular. He has shelves in the pantry for "his food", and we don't dare eat it. If he buys paper towels, they are "his" paper towels. It is the strangest thing to me as we are one family. I cook for all of us. If the kids eat something, or use up the paper towels, I just go to the store to get more. I could understand this for costly or valuable items, but paper towels?

I think it is both attachment, and the anxiety that comes with change and new experiences. Controlling ones surroundings is a way to manage that.

My mother will offer us something- like something that belonged to my father or an item in their home, and as we are about to take it, she will change her mind and demand it back.

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BowlOfPetunias
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« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2016, 11:48:37 AM »

Could this be comorbitiy with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?
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