Hi, of course you know I'm new here.
My dilemma... . I was dating a woman strange but fun lady. When we first met she told me that she suffered with anxiety. Not the disorder. At the time what I knew about anxiety didn't constitutes as a disorder. She also said that she would see animals imaginary obstacles on the road when she drove at night. I'm not going to say that I didn't notice an unusual behavior in her but it didn't bother me much.
Today I am bothered by the mere existence of her. These negative emotions are weighing heavy on me. I am usually the one that gives advise. I am the one that everyone comes to when they have a dilemma so naturally I tried to be strong and look strong in front of everybody.
I have been on this forum on numerous occasions. I'd say for about 9 months or so, hoping to solve my issues.
Right to it... .
I met her. She grew on me. We laughed a lot then. We disagreed a lot too. We got along better than we didn't get along. One of my biggest pet peeves is lying and obviously she toyed a lot with that because I had already opened up to her about breaking up with an ex for being a liar. She shared her past with me. I shared mine with her. Everything I shared with her she used against me mentally, spiritually , and emotionally. By the time I saw the real her it was late. I had shared "some" of my deepest secrets with her. I don't regret it but if I knew her better I never would have.
She cheats and lies, and cheats and lie, and says that all her exs have cheated on her. I once caught her by surprise with a man in her house. Said it was her kids uncle but not a blood relative. The only 2 people up in the house after midnight, both half naked and she could not stop hiding her face. I felt sorry for her that night but the little bit faith that I had left for her, died completely at that moment. I stopped trusting her words, actions, I even wondered if she was really of the female gender. I just listen to her stories. I saw anything she said as 50/50 could be lie or I don't care. I brushed it off and kept being around her. By then I knew she wasn't trust worthy but I needed company and I also enjoyed having her around. She was funny. We did a lot together. The straw that broke the camels back was when she started to involve other people. I don't want to get into the details about that. Its irrelevant to my real dilemma. Besides, those people were fake.
One day out of no where she says to me that she wanted to do something special for me. She wanted to throw me a big party. I said what for? because my birthday had already past and she didn't show up to my birthday party at the reggae nigh club. She said I don't know, I just want to do something nice for you before we move on. OH! I didn't know we were moving on, I said. She said not like that. I changed the subject because I didn't want her to start lying to back up her slip up. Actually I didn't peruse the subject because she was finally given me what I always wanted but never i had the
:)s to do it myself. She was detaching from me.
After that I started to see and here less and less of her. I was okay with it but I missed her presence but I never doubter for a second that it was for the best. For both of us not just me.
We finally parted but we still had
sometimes. It was as if all of a sudden I was okay with being around her. When we were acting like partners I skeptical about touching her, but once my heart and head was no longer claiming her, I didn't have a problem with us having sex. it got better and more comfortable for me. Maybe because my head no longer carried the burden. . Now she was hers and somebody else's problem. My problems started when I became infatuated with having sex with her. She noticed my change and of course shortly after, she put a stop to it.
I hope I have provided enough details for you to be able to understand the following.
Today I realized that like her, I don't like to lose. In case any of you are already thinking it, I know I have not lost anything else but myself in a person that was never going to love me with respect. All I want today is to forget her. I no longer wish to feel the urge of messaging her but I do. Well up to a few hours ago, I did. Not sure how I will feel when tomorrow comes. The messages between us are never friendly in either direction, unless hey, hi, wrud, seems friendly. While ignoring the "unaddressed" obvious truth. If I greet her first and ask how she is, she'll throw in a double entendre, to make me believe she's having sex at the moment or something else. It's clear to me that everything she ever blatantly did was just to get a reaction out of me. Once she got it, she knew to do it over and over again, until I stopped expecting good. What didn't work, she never tried again. All she did was poke at my deepest fears for her enjoyment. Even if she can't help but to be who she is, its not fair to me or her that I don't appreciate who she turned out to be. It has not been friendly between the two of us, in an honest way, since about 10 months ago. I don't like or dislike her. Im no longer physically attracted to her. I wish I could wake up one day and not feel left out on the side of the road by my own garbage. I don't want to hurt her or love her. I no longer see a need for her in or anywhere near my life. She is everything I'm not. I'm everything she wish she could be. That's my perception. We are nothing alike.
Soo, Why do I keep responding or reaching out to her first? It would be nice if someone can clear that up for me. ... .Thanks
