Am I disorderd, too? Pattern of dating these types over and over

[prettykitty]

Here I am again, suffering the aftermath of another bad relationship where I think he was a BPD or NPD or both.  But I have to wonder, what is it about ME that has me dating these kind of guys over and over? 

When I was young in college and after, I thought I got involved with bad guys due to commitmentphobia, and that they and I were all commitmentphobic to some degree. I didn't know much about personality disorders. 

 My history... .My high school boyfriends were bad relationships... .a guy I always fought with (can't even remember what we fought over now, but he always made me cry), and a guy who cheated.  In college, I was with a guy for a very longtime, but broke up with him after he asked me to marry him.  I may have stayed in that bad relationship had he never asked me to marry him.  After him I dated a horrible person who was jealous and possessive and very emotionally abusive.  It was hard to break free because we started living together very quickly, and I got invested and thought I should work on the problems instead of leave.  But when I found out about his massive cheating, I finally left.  After him I had very short term relationships (often only sexual) with unavailable men-- workaholics, guys MUCH younger than me, players/womanizers.  They were short term and some ended badly, and some just faded out ( I got "ghosted".  So during AND after college, I had a lot of, "flings," that pretty much meant nothing and amounted to nothing.   I had a relationship with a man who was fresh out of divorce, but we actually were good friends and have remained friends (though barely ever in touch), but still--  tho he was a good guy, he was unavailable and not looking to ever get married again.  After him it was more short term "flings" with guys that were idiots or just wanted sex.  I had a short encounter with a guy who made me research narcissistic personality disorder.  Luckily I never got too involved with him, but it was definitely a crazy NPD relationship as short as it was.  The after-relationship lasted a long time in that he was always calling, emailing, etc., and it was all crazy stuff.   Finally figured out what personality disorders were and went no contact.  After him, I just didn't want to be bothered with men.  I felt wrecked and broken down.  I had a hard time getting over that even though he wasn't in my life for too long nor did we get too sexually involved.   I went through a rut and just wasn't happy with anything.  I finally snapped out of it FOUR YEARS LATER (maybe five!) when I met another much younger guy who wanted to date me.  I resisted because of the age, but everyone was telling me to just go have fun because he was so sweet and cute.  But what was I going to do with a guy that much younger than me? I went out with him anyway and started to really like him, but he "ghosted" me, too.  But at least he got me wanting to date again.  He showed up again later wanting to be "friends" after I had already met my NPD/BPd boyfriend, so I turned him down and had to block his number and change his name on my contact list because my boyfriend was often checking my phone to see who I was texting and calling!

Then I met my latest toxic NPD/BPD ex. He shows signs of both BPD and NPD.  I saw red flags and ignored them.  he reminded me of the toxic guy I dated in college, but I ignored it.  He treated me so badly, but I stayed.  I hate myself for letting him do that to me, and I question why I stayed over and over again when it was really bad!  I mean it was bad!  I let him treat me that way and get away with it.  We would threaten to break up or actually break up, but then hours or even minutes later, he would act like nothing happened.  "It's over this time!" straight to "So do you want to see a movie?" or, ":)id you hear the new song by so and so?"  It got to a point where we would fight like crazy and be ending it, but we would both know that we weren't going anywhere.  But how horrible to even be fighting like that! He never changed, and it all got crazier. 

I finally started to see what was going on.  It's like it finally all started to make sense that I was back with another NPD/ BPD type and was getting nowhere and would only get nowhere.  Yet I wanted to keep trying... .keep the hope alive.  Why would I do that?  I met him at a time when I was finally feeling good about myself, yet I wonder if I have ever really felt good about myself.  I think i have always been down on myself.  Is it my lack of self-esteem or self-love that attracts these guys? Or that keeps me with them and something else attracts them?

I know I lack confidence, I lack hustle, I lack ambition... .but people might see me as someone who has her sh#t together.  I am overall calm and peaceful.  People can't believe I'm single.  But i am shy and have just a few good friends, and they all have their lives which make it hard to hang out with much anymore (babies, long work hours, husband,long distance, etc).  And some of my friends are a little crazy themselves, so it is hard to hang out with them.  I used to have a big group of friends that would all go out, but everyone has either moved out of town or gotten married or have young babies to take care of.  It's hard for me to make friends. I feel like people just won't like me.  I feel like men won't like me-- that they will be attracted to me and will want to sleep with me, but they won't want to stick around. But then part of me thinks I'd be a great girlfriend and a guy would be so lucky to have me.  I don't really know why I feel conflicted that way.  well, maybe I do know.  My childhood could have some clues as to why.  my career is in the pits even though I managed to work enough to save up a pretty good nest egg.  So I am not in financial trouble, but I am not thriving at all as far as career goes.  I freelance, and probably shouldn't because I just don't have the hustle energy or the confidence to get out there and make things happen.  So I'm barley working and it's going to be humiliating come tax time.  I did have hustle energy for a little while, but then I lost it.  I lost it right around the time that short-term NPD relationship wore me out.  I often wonder what happened to that girl who used to be so excited to work and look for new jobs.  Now I sit in my room and wonder why everyone else is succeeding, yet I do nothing about my lack of success. 

But anyway, here I am at my age, going through another heartbreak from a guy I shouldn't be caring about and should have dumped on his ass long ago.  Why is this a pattern I can't seem to break?  I look at happy couples and wonder if that can ever happen for me.  It's like I have no idea what that would be like and how to even get there.  I wonder if I have a personality disorder myself.  I don't know.  It just makes me wonder why I keep attracting and falling hard for these guys.  And then why I mourn for so long.  Maybe I need therapy or hypnotherapy.  I let the bad relationship consume me and my time and energy.  I should be relieved that I am free of him and finally went no contact and told him to really go away.  But I am heartbroken and feel like everything sucks.  I'm not sure what to do.

[VitaminC]

Hi prettykitty,

These are good questions to ask! We're all "disordered" in some way. But it's a clinical label, and I beware of those. I think more in terms of recognizing that there are certain patterns, and that we constitute 50% of any relationship dynamic.

There are reasons that people are attracted to us and that we are attracted to them, and that we pursue a relationship despite red flags, and sometimes cling to a relationship that is in no way serving us. It took me months to be able to step away from a relationship that was making me feel terrible; unsatisfied, unloved, unappreciated, unseen, disrespected. I knew I was part of that dynamic and kind of blamed myself for a lot of things, so stayed for that reason as much as the desire for the so-called idealization phase.

Someone more emotionally healthy than I was at that time would not have got involved in the first place and certainly would have ended it once it was became apparent that things were becoming hurtful and toxic. I knew it, but couldn't make myself do it.  Because some deep part of me believed that this struggle was necessary for my growth, that I could beat my old demons, that I didn't really deserve better for myself. 

Realising the last point - that it felt more natural and familiar to be in a struggle and feeling awful most of the time - made me very upset when I realised it. I thought, "oh my god, this is bad, I actually don't know what to do about this". I was scared and my energy in every area of my life was depleted. I was only half-functioning.

But here I am now, still learning, but so much clearer and stronger, with my old energy and enthusiasm back.

This is a good time to take a step back and review things, as you seem to be doing. There are many helpful articles here, that did me a lot of good.

Have you seen this one on co-dependency? It's a good place to start.
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a113.htm

Something else that I found very helpful was Harville Hendrix' book "Getting the Love you Want". The concept there is that we are attracted to people who somehow remind us of certain aspects of our parents - or our earliest emotional influences. These have shaped us and often left us with unresolved issues and wounds. We go through life trying to heal these; essentially fix our pasts.  Many do this through relationships and end up repeating patterns of behaviour, because they are ingrained and familiar. 

I think the first couple of chapters of the book are very good in detailing how this comes about and it helped me to see my previous choices of partner in a different way - through the lens of my own needs and old hurts.

Maybe some of this resonates for you?

In terms of what you can do - don't try to figure out everything all at once. Maybe start some gentle self-investigation here and see how that goes.  Your energy for work and socializing will return, once you feel more centered in yourself.

Also, I've always found it more useful to ask why I am attracted to certain people - less why they are attracted to me.  In the end, it's our own decision to accept someone's interest - that's an active thing we're doing there.

What do you think? 

[earlgrey]

Hi prettykitty, interesting post.

I have been picking over all my romantic r/s too to try and find some sense. My findings came out like this.

I had a load of r/s (long and short) where if I am to be truthful, my level of emotional connection was minimal. I hung about doing the right things but not much more. These were not abusive r/s or anything really other than not very satisfying. Also with many of these r/s I would get a big desire to bail, especially if someone was coming on a bit strong! Engulfment I think is the term.

Having gone through quite a few of these unsatisfying r/s, I decided last time round to really find someone with whom I felt an emotional connection. I dated quite a lot, met many potential partners (no sex and generally no 2nd dates). I was looking for some sign of emotional desire/activity on my side. I guess I was quite methodical, like some sort of life experiment, I was wanting to discover a loving relationship, not for science's sake but for me... .I was going to crack it!

Well I did find someone with whom my emotional centre awoke. I felt good and right, and I had no desire to bail. I thought it was love. Had I cracked it? My sister looked on enviously... .perhaps.

3 years on, + new D, my wonderful story unravelled classic N/BPD style!

I had spend all that time and energy searching, and what had I found, an SO with all the traits of my mother. (and BTW not good r/s with mother - emotionally absent)

So no happy ever after, but some serious issues to try and figure out.

It seems the 'healthy' ones didn't get me fired up, I needed to find someone very specific to awaken my feelings.

Agree the Harville Hendix book covers much of this.

[Irish rebel]

Just reading this post... .

Was pulled in because I've started to realize I do just the same thing. And I haven't been on these boards for about 18-24months as I thought I was clear of the last BPD relationship I was in... .

And yet, all this time and all this work and all this counseling later, and I'm still drawn to the same type. So you do start to say to yourself - this is you, these are the choices you're making and involvements you're seeking out... .

The girls I link with tend to be sweet enough, but lost and unstable and doing at least something to excess like drink... .perhaps even being overly sexual. And somewhere deep down as a male, you delude yourself that you need to somehow help them salvage their virtue and self respect, self worth. And Perhaps you even manage to do that a little... .but it always seems to come with a hit to the self... .

[khibomsis]

Pretty Kitty, I too found in the end that what I was trying to do was date my uNBPD mother. Earlgrey, it was indeed the only type of person who would give me 'zing'. So much so that I learnt to distrust my instinct because, infallibly, the people who turned me on would be  utterly unstable emotional abusers. Vitamin C 'getting the love you want' described me exactly.
What really helped for me was a complete personality reconstruction in therapy. Can't say I'm cured yet, I find, for instance that I will very easily live at the pitch of drama  being as that has been normal to me since childhood. I can be quite a few levels more balanced than my FOO and still be pretty high intensity. Turning down the volume on the emotions will never be easy. And the constant anxiety I live with - not helped by really toxic BPD ex later in life - means that it is hard for me to trust people. But the real difference is that now I see these things. At least they have become denormalized for me, in the sense that I see how disruptive these emotional habits are and I can try to change.
PK, don't give up on yourself! BPD people can really drain you, it is perfectly normal for you to need a long period to rest and recharge yourself. Be patient with you and do lots of self-care activities. As for the love stuff, I met my current utterly adorable spouse after six years of therapy. I often tell her if she had come along any earlier, I would not have been ready. I would have walked right past her and headed for the nearest emotional vampire instead.  , Khib