obsessive thought

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I managed to eliminate any risk of being involved again in her life; 6 weeks of no contact help much. I wrote a journal with all the events during our r/s; the good and the bad ones; what she said, her problems, the drama, the bitterness; her absolute selfishness (or self-centered life) is everywhere. Of course I was idealized and put on a pedestal. During the r/s her real self didn't matter or I chose to ignore it.
Now her attitude becomes intolerable because I see it from the outside, and to be honest without any benefit.

I was in love with a fantasy and she absolutely needed a caretaker. From her side it was a deep love but a conditional love. Her conception of love.
My life was dull, almost without specific purpose; for 6 months it was amazing, lively, buoyant, crazy, relentless; I was operating on adrenaline and oxytocin.

My problem: despite all the understanding (this site and my personal research) I still think about her every day, several times a day. A thought, an "idée fixe" not especially favorable or even nostalgic.
A bit like after a car accident, every time we return to the crash scene.

When does this stop?

[pgri8684]

I managed to eliminate any risk of being involved again in her life; 6 weeks of no contact help much. I wrote a journal with all the events during our r/s; the good and the bad ones; what she said, her problems, the drama, the bitterness; her absolute selfishness (or self-centered life) is everywhere. Of course I was idealized and put on a pedestal. During the r/s her real self didn't matter or I chose to ignore it.
Now her attitude becomes intolerable because I see it from the outside, and to be honest without any benefit.

I was in love with a fantasy and she absolutely needed a caretaker. From her side it was a deep love but a conditional love. Her conception of love.
My life was dull, almost without specific purpose; for 6 months it was amazing, lively, buoyant, crazy, relentless; I was operating on adrenaline and oxytocin.

My problem: despite all the understanding (this site and my personal research) I still think about her every day, several times a day. A thought, an "idée fixe" not especially favorable or even nostalgic.
A bit like after a car accident, every time we return to the crash scene.

When does this stop?

[enlighten me]

When you get bored of it. When you have more interesting things to think about. When your happy.

Theres no timescale. It just happens and you only realise its happened when you get reminded of them.

My exgf used to be my waking thought. Now its what am I doing today or what to do the boys for breakfast. I can go through the whole day and not think of her whuch is difficult when we have a son together but it happens.

[heartandwhole]

Hi pgri,

You are not alone. Many of us here have had the obsessive thoughts about pwBPD and our situation. It is very normal and understandable. And I know that doesn't make it easier.  

Six weeks is not that long; things will get better. The beginning stages of grieving can be really hard—I remember feeling like I was just a machine going through the motions of my day, wishing for time alone and sleep.

I remember, some time later after my breakup, when I had time, I would go to the pool and when not swimming, I'd lie on my chair and simply allow the thoughts to float through my mind. Not "grabbing" any of them, just letting them be like background music. I didn't distract myself with a book, or music or talking or anything. Just let the mind do its thing. I lay like that for hours, practically a whole day, and I didn't feel bored at all. Sometimes tears would well up, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.

All I know is that I didn't want to distract myself—I just wanted to give my thoughts and feelings space where they could pass through, where I could witness and feel them without attaching too much meaning to them. Does that make sense?

It did me good. Sometimes distractions are just bandaids to keep us from feeling. Other times they are tools that can help us redirect our thoughts. You can reframe your thoughts by taking a little distance from them; by being the space in which they arise and disappear.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Infern0]

Obsessive thinking is my least favorite of all the BPD side effects. It does diminish over time but if you recycle or even have any substantial contact it starts back up again.

Sadly in my experience there isn't much you can do but wait it out. 

6 weeks isn't long at all especially if it was your first breakup with your BPD.  My longest break with mind so far was 4 months and tbh I still had daily thoughts even then but they did decrease

[TheSinister]

Im afraid that I can relate to those obbsesions that became just a part of me, it's getting real scary at times, im talking about serious obbsesions that makes my life difficult and above all wears me down every passing day,

I know that replies to this kind of post should be positive with ״give it some time to heal" words, I just can't find them anymore, the way I see it, this is what I became and now my challenge is just to try and live with it, as hard as it is.

[Infern0]

Im afraid that I can relate to those obbsesions that became just a part of me, it's getting real scary at times, im talking about serious obbsesions that makes my life difficult and above all wears me down every passing day,

I know that replies to this kind of post should be positive with ״give it some time to heal" words, I just can't find them anymore, the way I see it, this is what I became and now my challenge is just to try and live with it, as hard as it is.

Sounds like cliche BS but it does get better after a while. Gonna suck for a while first though

[JerryRG]

It does get better with time, I have to say that I would love to be able to walk away and I have for a while.

We share custody of a child so I have to have limited contact with her. Each text, her voice on the cel or seeing  her brings all of the relationship back to memory.

I'm not sure how to word this without sounding odd but here goes, though I love our son and wouldn't change him or the fact he's here, people who don't share custody and are therefore not forced to have some contact, are given a better opportunity to detach?

Like I said, I would give anything to not have to see her ever again. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's an eternal bond that keeps me in contact with the one person I moat dread.

[kc sunshine]

It's my least favorite side effect too .

Infern0, how long were all your recycles? The initial recycle was 9 months, then the two substantial following recycles (there were lots of mini-ones) were 5 months, then 3 months.

Obsessive thinking is my least favorite of all the BPD side effects. It does diminish over time but if you recycle or even have any substantial contact it starts back up again.

Sadly in my experience there isn't much you can do but wait it out. 

6 weeks isn't long at all especially if it was your first breakup with your BPD.  My longest break with mind so far was 4 months and tbh I still had daily thoughts even then but they did decrease