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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: With so much evidence that I'm better without her... I still broke NC  (Read 612 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 16

« on: September 15, 2016, 05:21:49 PM »

I broke NC today to send an email basically just to yell at her and show her how hurt I am that I am already replaced. WHY does she still get to me? And I'm usually super pragmatic. I made a list of all of the things that have improved since she discarded me. Without being in an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship with her, I have been able to mend friendships and relationships that had suffered while we were together. I have lots of NEW friends and some new fun hobbies. My relationship with my ex (who is also my co-parent) has GREATLY improved (BPD ex always was so jealous and I'm ashamed I let that drive a wedge to the detriment of my son.)

SO with ALL of this! WHY did it punch me in the gut to see the replacement? If anything, the fact that she moved on so quickly is just further proof of her issues and I KNOW this but I'm sitting here crying anyway. I feel so powerless over this.

This is super rambly. Sorry. I just know this is a place where people will understand... .Thanks.
Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6172

« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2016, 05:46:21 PM »

Hey burton2070, It's OK to break NC.  Many of us have done it.  NC is only a tool, so give yourself a break.  My suggestion is to keep your expectations low about her response, which might be quite hostile.  In a sense, you have shifted the power back to her by putting the ball in her court.  That's OK, but be aware that you could end up feeling worse if her response is less than kind.  If you are seeking some sort of closure, it's unlikely that you will get it, in my view, so be prepared.


    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
Posts: 995

« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2016, 05:51:46 PM »

Hi Burton2070

Thanks for sharing.  I can relate, the breakup with my ex was/is excruciatingly painful. The intellectual reasoning of my mind telling me that this is for the better, makes no sense to my hearts voice that still misses her.   Why would I be missing someone that I knew I was having so many difficulties with.  

For me, part of that answer has to do with what I received in the r/s.  There was a missing piece I was searching for and she seemed to be the perfect fit - and in many ways, she was.  But for all the wonderful things that we had together, there was another equally sized piece that seemed broken; the day to day difficulties of simple things - berating - circular arguments etc.  My heart and mind were literally split between I love you and I can't stand this about you.  

I have received a lot of benefit from recognizing, that my ex uBPDw was both of these people; that is to say, she was exactly who she is, very lovable and very difficult.  I wanted to extract just the one side of it - the part I loved and have spent a lot of time focused on this memory to the exclusion of the other side.  I suspect that part of what you are posting about is centered around this.  

Part of my letting go was to acknowledge that she was genuinely being who she is; the lovable and difficult person I married.  She was not someone who was going to, "snap out of it", have an epiphany, or any other phrase that would describe her having an awareness that would allow her to see things other than the way she did.  Her take was that she was fine and what was JRB's problem to look at.

For me, it has taken a good amount of time to synthesize this learning into a my hearts acceptance.  But all the same, I still feel the hurt and want to reach out to her, just not as much.

How long has it been since your breakup?  :)o you think you will contact her again or what is it you hope to get from contacting her?

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1520

« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2016, 05:55:34 PM »

You sure aren't alone in having done this. I have done it many times. Don't beat yourself up over it.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731

« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2016, 06:13:12 PM »


You've been here a short time with only 11 post so hear me when I say that you've ONLY stumbled on your journey. Shocker ... .WE all have. SOO like Lucky Jim says go easy on yourself. If you look over your shoulder you'll see the group with our hands out to you helping you up. We're going to dust you off and straighten you up. NOW the tough choice is up to you ... .you can continue down the path that your on and see how that continues to work out for you. You can choose the path to the right and see where that leads you or you can sit back down & do nothing. The choice has been and will always be YOURS to make!

With that said, take a deep breath and slowly let it out. As Lucky Jim points out she's probably going to rage at you because YOU have put the power pack with her.  SO you need to find the strength to NOT reply or answer her and in fact if you truly want to go NC do the following.

1. Block her number so you DO NOT receive her calls or text.

2. DELETE her phone number so you don't text or call her in a future moment of weakness.

3. Block her from your FB.

4. LOCK down your FB account so that she can not follow you or know what is going on with you.

5. Ask your friends NOT so share your info to anyone without calling you first.

Now that being said ... .you need to find things to occupy your mind, body & time. Get out for a walk, ride a bike, run or go to the gym. This will reduce your stress hormones and get the good ones throughout your body.  Be sure you're eating right because nothing good comes from junk food including your poo.    That is suppose to give you a sense of humor which you probably lost. So go to a comedy show with some friends or watch the comedy channel with a friend or two. Finally be sure you're getting the proper sleep that I'm sure you are NOT getting. Melatonin should be able to help with that & you can find it in the vitamin isle at your local grocery store.

then you need to start working on the inside of Burton2070. Find a good therapist to help you sort through your thoughts, emotions, frustrations. This is key as anyone on the other side will testify too. You have to find out why you are the NON that you are and why you're attached to someone who has a Cluster B Mental Illness of BPD.  

You can't worry about her, who she is seeing, "your replacement" or what she's doing or saying. Nothing good will come from this as you've come to learn. AS far as "your replacement", this isn't about them or you, this is about someone who you fell for that is mentally / behaviorally ill. They're broken and nothing you, me or the group can do to fix it. SO work on yourself! THIS IS ABOUT YOU!

I've included a couple of video's for you ... .

Watch this one every morning to start your day ... ."Even the most confident and motivated people will need a helping hand at some point in their life."


"The most importantly life lesson I learned is this, sometimes people leave, sometime unexpectedly, take a deep breath, morn the loss and start living again".


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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 703

« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2016, 06:32:18 PM »

@joe: well said.

@burton: we all here can relate to the feelings of seeing our ex partners move on. We begin to question whether we mattered at all and we seek to be validated for our emotions. NC is a tool for us to detach and heal from those wounds, from that FOG of the r/s. There's also no hard and fast rules to it, either. NC is a personal thing.

I work with my ex. I also work with my replacement. I'm under the impression they started about the time we were finishing - perhaps even longer before that. It was extremely painful to hear my ex walking down the hall talking about how tired she was from the night before because they were up late having sex. Was that hurtful for me to hear?  Absolutely. I want to walk out of my office and berate them both for being so childish and insensitive, but I didn't. I just sat with those feelings of hurt and anger.

Now, there's another side to this whole thing: the ex. They are mentally ill. They are emotionally stunted, but even worse is their fear of being alone. BPD is a disorder that affects interpersonal r/s. Many on here have summed it up best: the closer you are to them, the worse you are treated. And, for me, that was absolutely true.

I'll share something recent: my ex is trying to re-establish "something" with me. But that's a topic for another time. My point in that is to say it's been extremely hard on me, emotionally.  The feelings/emotions just don't go away.

With that said, a hug goes out to you.

Keep posting!
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 64

« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2016, 05:37:44 AM »

Exercise self control and the rest of the body and mind catches up eventually.

The reason that they targeted you (subconsciously) is that you have a side that likes to put other people's needs first. It's time to start spending a little time on developing yourself and not for the purpose of impressing your ex. Trust me, I thought I couldn't live without my ex and I'm a month and half into my break up and whilst I'm still a little in the dark, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm striving for it. Find something you're good at and then run with it in the most creative way possible!

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 16

« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2016, 10:27:27 AM »

Thanks for the responses, everyone. The final discard was in late May. I WAS doing much better, but seeing this was a bit of a setback. I'm glad I have this group, though. It truly does help to post and read others posts. Thanks!
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