Battling the recycle

[duncsvoice]

Hey gang,

I've been doing well, this board and the support you guys give has I'm sure been quite literally life saving for me. I think I'm in the middle of the most challenging recycle yet, and I'm starting to feel almost powerless to resist.

Long story short, we had two kittens together, I was gutted to say goodbye to them at the end of our relationship but she kept them. She text me about a month ago to say one of them had died. Really sad, gave her a call, both had a bit of a cry on the phone - my replacement was there but I shrugged it off. Hope you're ok, take care of my other one, see you later, and on with my life I carried on.

Then a couple of weeks later I started to get some very sweet texts, "I know you're not here, but I know how much you loved the boys (the cats)"... ."I'm going to spread the ashes where we used to live, that's where he was happiest". It started to get me a little sentimental, and I slightly crumbled and mentioned that "I missed our little family", but quickly got myself back in to gear and ended the conversation, particularly after she said she missed it too. Again, brushed it off, didn't give it a second thought.

Inexplicably, my sister then decided to tell me my replacement was listed on Facebook as single. Why did I need to know that? Why is she telling me? Why is she looking? I don't even know his name! But, that innocuous little sentence has changed everything.

All of a sudden those sweet messages start to have a different meaning. I've started to pine a little bit. My irrational heart is kicking in and trying to convince my head that "you know how to deal with her now". Compounded by the fact she's invited me round this Sunday to see my cat, complete with a photo of him on her lap saying "he can't wait to see you".

I'm so disappointed that my sister told me this, and even more disappointed that I can feel myself being drawn back in to that world. This past week I've thought of nothing but her, how I could make it work... .when in reality I've worked so hard to escape that turmoil and build a nice, gentle life for myself. I absolutely still love her and miss her, but I don't miss that relationship.

Any advice on how to cling on to my current, quite nice life and not be drawn back in to the madness would be greatly appreciated!

[mitatsu]

Read my what if syndrome post on this board my friend... .if i had stuck to my guns last year i would be in a much better place now

good luck and stay strong


'everytime i climbed off the rollercoaster i swore never to ride something that made me so ill again... .then i kept rejoining the back of the que thinking this time it would be easier as i had rode so many times before'

[Infern0]

Yeah all I can say is my experience with the recycles it doesn't work.

I mean my initial breakup was in July 2014 and the end of the last recycle was two weeks ago.

That's two years of recycles, two years of sleepless nights, two years of my life not moving forwards whatsoever.

I tried and I tried, and on many occasions the recycles would start out well, but as soon as any kind of substance was required through the relationship it all fell apart.

To compound to that, I've been through some truly humiliating stuff in that time, regarding her increasing promiscuity around town when people know I'm involved with her.

 She's involved with people who aren't shy about that sort of thing and I'm looked at by a large group of people as pathetic for chasing a "slut"

I've seen her get worse and worse, with less and less respect for herself and others and its dragged me down with her because I wouldn't let go. She is no longer the girl I met three years ago, now I don't know her at all.

I can't say "don't do it" But what I can say is you need to think long and hard, for me I had to go back and try until all was lost and it just became impossible.

But it may not have to be that way for you.

I will never regret my BPD ex but I do regret everything that's happened since our first breakup, because that first breakup taught me all I needed to know, everything since then was unnecessary salt in the wounds. For TWO YEARS

Think long and hard

[duncsvoice]

Thank you guys.

I decided to turn down the offer of seeing my cat, and subsequently her (who decided to tell me she has an appointment with my replacement tomorrow), explaining I don't think it was a good idea.

Then came her rage, dressing me down, doing what she does best. She can't understand why seeing my old cat is such a big problem.

I just said she truly wouldn't understand, and I hope she works it out one day.

Phew. Thank the heavens I didn't go over. Bullet dodged.

[iluminati]

Ask yourself what getting back together would do, and has anything changed since you split up.  Also, since I'm gathering that it hasn't been a while since you split, I'd just relax.  Be cordial, perhaps talk about the cats, but nothing deeper than that.  Oh, and never be alone in a room with her.  That's just asking for trouble.

[duncsvoice]

Ask yourself what getting back together would do, and has anything changed since you split up.  Also, since I'm gathering that it hasn't been a while since you split, I'd just relax.  Be cordial, perhaps talk about the cats, but nothing deeper than that.  Oh, and never be alone in a room with her.  That's just asking for trouble.

Thanks Illuminati. Thankfully I've seen the light, the idea of seeing her, even as a friend gives me chills.

[bus boy]

I know exactly how you feel. Xw left when s10 was 6 months old, I clung to her until I met my final discard in June 2015. That's a long time, a lot of heartache, push pull, unstable emotions. I tried so hard to make us a family, things would glide along than out of the blue stop talking to me for weeks than I would get a text out of the blue. I was trying to figure out how to keep her happy and maintain a r/s with her and a r/s with my family as well, xw hates my family. When xw started dating my replacement I was crushed but I kept pushing, kept working hard on myself and detaching. With her stream of emotional abuse gone out of my life, for the most part, I was able to process what was going on in my brain, with more negative leaving than coming in, I was able to get ahead of the processing. Now when I get a belittling text I can deal with it better. I have my down days but not as bad as before. It took a long time to see but my replacement saved me.

[WhatToDo47]

Wow this is incredibly helpful and a great lesson for all of us. Posting this comment to bring it to the front of the boards.

[Rev]

Here on the detaching board it can safely be said...

NEVER - GO - BACK to a pwBPD.  It never gets better. It always gets worse. It's the nature of the condition.

Stay strong everyone.

Rev

[NotAHero]

Here on the detaching board it can safely be said...

NEVER - GO - BACK to a pwBPD.  It never gets better. It always gets worse. It's the nature of the condition.

Stay strong everyone.

Rev

 Everytime you go back you embolden them to abuse you more at least mentally and emotionally.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you and I needed those warnings. Looking like I'm going to get out and have a chance to permanently break free. But I know I fell for it once and I'm likely to be targeted by her again. She will get desperate and try to recycle me. But you're right, if I do take her back what little respect and care she had for me before will be gone, and she'll likely just step up the abuse.

[NotAHero]

Thank you and I needed those warnings. Looking like I'm going to get out and have a chance to permanently break free. But I know I fell for it once and I'm likely to be targeted by her again. She will get desperate and try to recycle me. But you're right, if I do take her back what little respect and care she had for me before will be gone, and she'll likely just step up the abuse.

 I was recycled so many time and pretty sure that if I allow her to continue she will keep recycling with me including intimately.

 Every single time was worse than before and I felt like an addict hitting rock bottom the last time. I don’t know if there are different outcomes but from what I have seen if the recycling happened many times then the trajectory is not up…

[WhatToDo47]

I was recycled so many time and pretty sure that if I allow her to continue she will keep recycling with me including intimately.

 Every single time was worse than before and I felt like an addict hitting rock bottom the last time. I don’t know if there are different outcomes but from what I have seen if the recycling happened many times then the trajectory is not up…

So sorry to hear that and that you had to go through that. Thankfully, we are the ones who can learn and chance. I really do think it's an addiction, the withdrawal is terrible and so is the "drug." Do you think you will be able to resist the next recycle attempt? Why do you think this is rock bottom? What are you going to do differently now?

I too was "recycled" many times now that I reflect on it. It was always some crazy fight over nothing, her saying we are breaking up or she was leaving, me begging her to come back, giving in to her terribly abusive demands, her acting all sweet and helpless, a honeymoon period, and then repeat. I always thought the more crises we made it through as a couple, the closer we got, but now I see it meant nothing lasting to her and all the crises were fueled by her lies and self sabotage.

The nutshell version of the final time is her leaving for no real reason, filing for divorce, calling the police with false DV charges and not even telling me, and her moving in with another man just days after I flew halfway across the country to reconcile upon her request but instead getting screamed at, threatened and kicked to the curb. Was I perfect? No. Did I deserve this. Definitely no - no one does.

But even now she's acting all sweet and innocent and telling me not to let 1 night decide my opinion of her, to move there with her, to give it 5 years (yes 5 years) in case she changes her mind back, asking me if I'm seeing anyone, claiming not to remember what happened when she left (and this might be true). I'm just sick of it all. I love her but this is crazy.

[NotAHero]

So sorry to hear that and that you had to go through that. Thankfully, we are the ones who can learn and chance. I really do think it's an addiction, the withdrawal is terrible and so is the "drug." Do you think you will be able to resist the next recycle attempt? Why do you think this is rock bottom? What are you going to do differently now?

I too was "recycled" many times now that I reflect on it. It was always some crazy fight over nothing, her saying we are breaking up or she was leaving, me begging her to come back, giving in to her terribly abusive demands, her acting all sweet and helpless, a honeymoon period, and then repeat. I always thought the more crises we made it through as a couple, the closer we got, but now I see it meant nothing lasting to her and all the crises were fueled by her lies and self sabotage.

The nutshell version of the final time is her leaving for no real reason, filing for divorce, calling the police with false DV charges and not even telling me, and her moving in with another man just days after I flew halfway across the country to reconcile upon her request but instead getting screamed at, threatened and kicked to the curb. Was I perfect? No. Did I deserve this. Definitely no - no one does.

But even now she's acting all sweet and innocent and telling me not to let 1 night decide my opinion of her, to move there with her, to give it 5 years (yes 5 years) in case she changes her mind back, asking me if I'm seeing anyone, claiming not to remember what happened when she left (and this might be true). I'm just sick of it all. I love her but this is crazy.

 I am sorry you are in the same situation - with different details - I can relate so much. It is hard.

  Last recycle attempt was “no strings attached sex”. That was a bad idea of course. Without going over the boring details I was not nice after what she did to me that evening. I verbally defended myself for the first time - before that I only reacted in messages.

 Even when I was mean it didn’t even make a dent as later on she was trying to be back on talking terms. We share a son together so talking terms mean talking in any other capacity than about him. This time I didn’t respond and I proceeded to remove her from all my social media. She attempted guilt tripping “I guess you don’t want to see pictures of your son anymore”. I didn’t respond.  

 What made it hard for me to resist is that I’m emotionally traumatized and still somehow attached. Even as she jumps from guy to guy I still cannot feel intimate toward another woman. I figured I must sever all emotional bonds once and for all. Some days I’m happy dancing to the music in my house. Some days the darkness swallows me as I wallow the loss and what we could of been. I have done tremendous mental work on detaching and have been taking steady steps distancing myself from her since I started here in September. Next attempt may or may not come but if it does I hope that I have learned my lesson. I am disappointed in myself that I allowed the last 2 recycles to happen. To her she has no in depth feelings but to me I will always have feelings if I become intimate in anyway with her.

 I think my only way out is to stay away from her enough until I’m able to form bonds with other women. Then hopefully start dating. I don’t know what else to do. The whole situation sucks.

 I know I am not leading by example but please learn from my mistakes and stay away from her. Especially that your BPD involved the law. You don’t need to give her legal validation that will damage you for years to come.

[finallyout]

Some days I’m happy dancing to the music in my house. Some days the darkness swallows me as I wallow the loss and what we could of been. I have done tremendous mental work on detaching and have been taking steady steps distancing myself from her since I started here in September. Next attempt may or may not come but if it does I hope that I have learned my lesson. I am disappointed in myself that I allowed the last 2 recycles to happen. To her she has no in depth feelings but to me I will always have feelings if I become intimate in anyway with her.

I think my only way out is to stay away from her enough until I’m able to form bonds with other women. Then hopefully start dating. I don’t know what else to do. The whole situation sucks. 

I can totally relate to this. In the dark days, resisting a recycling attempt becomes harder, but I was successful so far since my last break-up try in December. Last week, she sent me an SMS telling me that she was very sorry for hurting my feelings in the past. I knew that if I gave in and came back to her, things would be terrible after some time. Maybe for one week we would be good together, but because of the nature of this illness, this would not last.

To be honest with you, if she finds a new partner, this would be good for me. Yes, I would be hurt at the beginning, but she would then leave me alone. Because as long as she still has hope that I come back, I have to deal with her craziness. Since we have a child together, I can not delete her from my life.

Like you, I don't know if I can form a bond with a new woman. People around me and my therapist are encouraging me to start dating again because this might relieve some of the misery I am currently living, but I am not sure if this is the right time. Have you tried dating again?

[NotAHero]

I can totally relate to this. In the dark days, resisting a recycling attempt becomes harder, but I was successful so far since my last break-up try in December. Last week, she sent me an SMS telling me that she was very sorry for hurting my feelings in the past. I knew that if I gave in and came back to her, things would be terrible after some time. Maybe for one week we would be good together, but because of the nature of this illness, this would not last.

To be honest with you, if she finds a new partner, this would be good for me. Yes, I would be hurt at the beginning, but she would then leave me alone. Because as long as she still has hope that I come back, I have to deal with her craziness. Since we have a child together, I can not delete her from my life.

Like you, I don't know if I can form a bond with a new woman. People around me and my therapist are encouraging me to start dating again because this might relieve some of the misery I am currently living, but I am not sure if this is the right time. Have you tried dating again?

  I downloaded some dating apps but every time I get a date I sabotage it ( I cancel ) because I don’t feel ready. Granted under no circumstances I want my ex back in any capacity. I don’t want to date just to get over her. I want to do it the right way so I don’t meet my kryptonite again.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you both and that helps me. Good point with the legal issues. The problem is that she gets into such an NPD rage that she thinks the world should bow to her and involves the police. Then afterwards she says she didn't mean it or made it up or doesn't remember or that I'm overreacting and it's no big deal, but the damage is done.

I have so, so much sympathy for you both that you have children with your pwBPDs. I think they get even worse once children are involved because they know they have you "hooked."

Don't feel bad about yourselves, we are all suffering the same awful abuse and addiction. This is not normal, every day stuff.

I can relate to everything you say. Mine moved in with another man less than 3 days after first saying she wants a divorce. I don't even know if she's still there, but I know she's purchased dating apps and stuff since. She's trying to prod me to ask about her personal/romantic life and asking me if I'm seeing anyone but I just don't care. I can't think about it - too painful.

I want desperately to move on, get married to someone healthy, and start a family. But I definitely have some PTSD from this, my therapist says so and it's very obvious. It sounds like you both might have some, too. When I think about dating, meeting someone new, etc. it makes me panicked. It's a visceral reaction.

I know she's moved on and has probably dated and been with multiple men since I've left, but I can't even fathom dating anyone yet. I tried to meet some people when she first left but quickly recognized I was attracting the same type of disordered people and quickly put a stop to that.

Now I'm working on building myself back and up and learning how to be better at recognizing red flags and being assertive with ending things if I see them. I'll start dating again, eventually, but I don't want to start this cycle all over again with someone else who is disordered like she is. I think we are all at great risk of becoming supply to another disordered individual until we've done the work to find out why and how we got into and tolerated and on some level want back the situations we were in with our pwBPD.

She's tried to recycle me multiple times, but I always tell her I don't want to jump back to where we were because I never want to go through this (the divorce, break up, her discarding me, etc) again. She always agrees but can never state what she'd do different if we got back together or commit to getting therapy (I've offered we BOTH get therapy, but even that is a no). It's sad, but what can I do. I really DON'T want to go through this again.

All of us have a gift that the pwBPD doesn't have, the ability to reflect, grow, and choose a better life. Painful as it is, we can work on ourselves and get off this nightmare roller coaster. They are stuck probably forever but at least for many years, as even the best therapy for them takes that long.

In short, I'm not going to date anyone until I figure out how my life turned into this nightmare and how to never, ever have it happen again.

Stay strong and thinking of you all.

[NotAHero]

Thank you both and that helps me. Good point with the legal issues. The problem is that she gets into such an NPD rage that she thinks the world should bow to her and involves the police. Then afterwards she says she didn't mean it or made it up or doesn't remember or that I'm overreacting and it's no big deal, but the damage is done.

I have so, so much sympathy for you both that you have children with your pwBPDs. I think they get even worse once children are involved because they know they have you "hooked."

Don't feel bad about yourselves, we are all suffering the same awful abuse and addiction. This is not normal, every day stuff.

I can relate to everything you say. Mine moved in with another man less than 3 days after first saying she wants a divorce. I don't even know if she's still there, but I know she's purchased dating apps and stuff since. She's trying to prod me to ask about her personal/romantic life and asking me if I'm seeing anyone but I just don't care. I can't think about it - too painful.

I want desperately to move on, get married to someone healthy, and start a family. But I definitely have some PTSD from this, my therapist says so and it's very obvious. It sounds like you both might have some, too. When I think about dating, meeting someone new, etc. it makes me panicked. It's a visceral reaction.

I know she's moved on and has probably dated and been with multiple men since I've left, but I can't even fathom dating anyone yet. I tried to meet some people when she first left but quickly recognized I was attracting the same type of disordered people and quickly put a stop to that.

Now I'm working on building myself back and up and learning how to be better at recognizing red flags and being assertive with ending things if I see them. I'll start dating again, eventually, but I don't want to start this cycle all over again with someone else who is disordered like she is. I think we are all at great risk of becoming supply to another disordered individual until we've done the work to find out why and how we got into and tolerated and on some level want back the situations we were in with our pwBPD.

She's tried to recycle me multiple times, but I always tell her I don't want to jump back to where we were because I never want to go through this (the divorce, break up, her discarding me, etc) again. She always agrees but can never state what she'd do different if we got back together or commit to getting therapy (I've offered we BOTH get therapy, but even that is a no). It's sad, but what can I do. I really DON'T want to go through this again.

All of us have a gift that the pwBPD doesn't have, the ability to reflect, grow, and choose a better life. Painful as it is, we can work on ourselves and get off this nightmare roller coaster. They are stuck probably forever but at least for many years, as even the best therapy for them takes that long.

In short, I'm not going to date anyone until I figure out how my life turned into this nightmare and how to never, ever have it happen again.

Stay strong and thinking of you all.

 I can tell you that I can’t even help but to be on high alert that any sign of toxicity whatsoever would prompt me to run away from a new woman no matter what perks she has. This ordeal has shook me to the core. I have never had difficulty getting over something emotionally like this before.

 Even today is hard. I know I don’t want anything to do with her and have been good on stopping all non child related contact. Luckily she must be involved with a new replacement and has not tried to break that for the last few days too. Yet I can’t help but feel down with each detachment step. Granted this is the last step and I am at the shore now. All I have to do is keep it up.  Previously she was always the one reinitiating the recycling. I have a feeling that this time after I showed her that the gig is up and may have attached herself to a new host and I am finally free….

[Rev]

I can tell you that I can’t even help but to be on high alert that any sign of toxicity whatsoever would prompt me to run away from a new woman no matter what perks she has. This ordeal has shook me to the core. I have never had difficulty getting over something emotionally like this before.

 Even today is hard. I know I don’t want anything to do with her and have been good on stopping all non child related contact. Luckily she must be involved with a new replacement and has not tried to break that for the last few days too. Yet I can’t help but feel down with each detachment step. Granted this is the last step and I am at the shore now. All I have to do is keep it up.  Previously she was always the one reinitiating the recycling. I have a feeling that this time after I showed her that the gig is up and may have attached herself to a new host and I am finally free….

Hey Hero and everyone else on this thread,

Well done!  This! This is the pivot point towards the freedom that you talk about. This is the moment that the Hero is talking about.

The part in bold - that's just testimony of a recalibration of what is acceptable. You'll hopefully start to see that compared to your "old self", your "new self" puts up with less and less. And then eventually, toxic people just melt away.  Why? Because your very energy and non-verbal communication will send the message that you are simply not available.

It took my about two years to get there.  Hang in there people.  It does get better.

Very impressed.

Rev

[finallyout]

I want desperately to move on, get married to someone healthy, and start a family. But I definitely have some PTSD from this, my therapist says so and it's very obvious. It sounds like you both might have some, too. When I think about dating, meeting someone new, etc. it makes me panicked. It's a visceral reaction.

I fully  feel what you are saying. I am just too vulnerable and injured at the moment to be able to deal with any new relationship. I am sometimes even paranoid. The idea of getting involved with another disordered woman scares the PLEASE READ out of me.

And I fully believe that my ex was not the reason for my suffering. The wound is much older than her. She was just very "talented" to find out about it and to use it to torture me.  The wound is now worse, and it is bleeding endlessly. 

[Rev]

And I fully believe that my ex was not the reason for my suffering. The wound is much older than her. She was just very "talented" to find out about it and to use it to torture me.  The wound is now worse, and it is bleeding endlessly. 

Take heart. This is the pivot point to finding healing. Don't underestimate what you've accomplished in naming it. You can't find healing for what you can't name. You can't name what you can't face. You can't face loss without courage.

If you could keep only one word in what I've shared with you here, what would it be?

Hang in there.

Rev

[WhatToDo47]

Really like where this thread is going. I don't have much to add at this point, other than feeling encouraged that so many others are also going through this. I am impressed with all of you and can't wait to get to that point myself. I am noticing that I put up with less and less. I am always on high alert for toxicity. These relationships just aren't worth the risk. We have all been terribly burned. I am trying to listen to my body when she contacts me. My heart races, I feel lightheaded, but it's not love. It's dread, fear, panic. I have to listen to that.

Keep up the great work everyone! We can do it. Painful as it is, the pain of going back is worse.

[LaRonge]

I am trying to listen to my body when she contacts me. My heart races, I feel lightheaded, but it's not love. It's dread, fear, panic. I have to listen to that.

Yep.

[WhatToDo47]

Yep.

Glad I'm not the only one. And now a really big question I need to find the answer to: How did I confuse THIS feeling with love, and how do I not make the same mistake again. Is it just awareness? Did she always make me feel like this or just since the brutally cruel and abusive discard? Time for some soul searching.

[LaRonge]

And now a really big question I need to find the answer to: How did I confuse THIS feeling with love, and how do I not make the same mistake again.

I think that's the weird gift of when a BPD relationship goes bad: Now you have a clear idea of what love is not. It's neither the feeling of being infatuated with someone or someone being infatuated with you at the beginning, nor is it the chronic anxiety and fear at the end. I think it's something more like peace, which, thankfully, I can remember from earlier, non-toxic relationships in my life. As painful as these BDP breakups are, we now have the opportunity to really learn how to love ourselves and find a genuine loving relationship.

[drumdog4M]

That is very well said. Healthy love should not be scary or anxiety inducing. It should not be "walking on eggshells." It should enhance and amplify your life, not try to become hooked into your weaknesses and insecurities. It should be reciprocal and interdependent. Not one-sided and con-dependent.

I hope we will all heal and find the healthy love we deserve. I can tell that we are kind, empathic people with a lot of love to give. Ironically, I think that is part of what attracted our former pwBPD in the first place. They are very perceptive and intuitive, uncannily so. They identified our gifts as well as our weaknesses and thought perhaps we could complete them, even if they had the best of intentions. Sadly we could not. Sadly, I'm having to come to the unromantic realization that sometimes love isn't enough and that love cannot overcome anything.

[WhatToDo47]

drugdog and LaRonge, beautifully said, both of you. And I agree, what we all experienced was not love, it was abuse. I feel sorry for pwBPD because they often don't mean to abuse, but they do nonetheless and it leaves us feeling anxious, afraid, FOGgy, etc., PTSD as my therapist says.

We all deserve true love, and I know we will find it if we use this as a lesson to learn what love is not (like you said).

Completely agree with everything you both said.

[lost_in_FOG]

  I downloaded some dating apps but every time I get a date I sabotage it ( I cancel ) because I don’t feel ready. Granted under no circumstances I want my ex back in any capacity. I don’t want to date just to get over her. I want to do it the right way so I don’t meet my kryptonite again.

I can 100 percent relate to this.  I've been recycled so many times over the 5 years I've known my exwBPD.  During our breakups, I have allowed myself to date a few times.  Each time I found someone with whom I had a connection, it was sabotaged by my ex in a highly aggressive way. I'm at the point now where I'm almost too nervous to bother with trying to date.  Not only am I so damn physically attracted to my ex that it causes me anxiety to be physically intimate with anyone but her, but I'm also fearful that she'll do something outlandish to ruin my experience.

I need badly to get out of my own head and stop letting the past dictate so much of my present.

[WhatToDo47]

I can 100 percent relate to this.  I've been recycled so many times over the 5 years I've known my exwBPD.  During our breakups, I have allowed myself to date a few times.  Each time I found someone with whom I had a connection, it was sabotaged by my ex in a highly aggressive way. I'm at the point now where I'm almost too nervous to bother with trying to date.  Not only am I so damn physically attracted to my ex that it causes me anxiety to be physically intimate with anyone but her, but I'm also fearful that she'll do something outlandish to ruin my experience.

I need badly to get out of my own head and stop letting the past dictate so much of my present.

That does sound very FOGgy, lost in fog ;) . I can relate. My wife left 7 months ago, moved in with another man, etc. Obviously she's moved on, but I'm not even comfortable saying I'm looking for someone new yet. I still feel (felt?) some sort of loyalty to her. Therapy and this site are helping a lot with that. Be patient with yourself, it's no easy task detaching from these people and it takes work and time.

What do you want for your future? I want a family, and that can't happen with my ex sabotaging everything. It's looking like I will have to go NC with her so she doesn't keep trying to recycle and sabotage. Have you thought about NC, even for a predetermined about of time? It sounds like you need some time away from the abuse and some therapy and posting here to clear the FOG.

Again, I'm not there yet either, so take all this with a grain of salt haha But I'm getting there, and you will, too, if that's what you want!

I know she's attractive, so is my ex, but looks will fade, and there's more to life than someone who looks pretty on the outside and is rotten at the core. I'm sure there are some beautiful and sane people around you, and you might even have a deeper connection that leads to a whole new level of attraction, that type of intimacy is something a pwBPD is just not capable of untreated or probably even treated.

Hang in there, rooting for you!