saving a marriage

[lind67]

Good morning everyone ,I'm new to this but I been married to my BPD wife for 2 yrs and together 3and a half years.When its good its wonderful but when its bad its a living hell,we are now  separating and I'm feeling real bad right now and I don't why and I'm more concern with her than myself,but in my heart I know this is best and Iknow through all the storms nothing changes it only gets worse and worse, and as a man I feel ashame to have allowed someone  toabuse and belittle me for so long and know its nothing you can do to fix it nothing.I need help what can you recommend? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

It is not unusual for the non to have more concern for their person with BPD (pwBPD). We have been conditioned to think that way after all. All of the storms and good and bad that you mentioned are part of the process that conditions us to think like that.

The good news is that what has been taught can be untaught. You can learn to take care of yourself first; in fact you need to. Whether or not you decide to try to save your marriage, taking care of yourself is going to be your number 1 job.

None of us can answer whether or not you should stay or walk. That is a personal decision that each of us must make. There are some article about saving a relationship that is in or near breakup that will provide you with some useful insight.

Also, in the sidebar to the right are tools that will be invaluable to your navigating your situation going forward. The one about ending conflict is a really great place to start.

Has your wife been diagnosed with BPD?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Lind67:  

I'm so sorry you are having a tough time.  Are you getting any therapy for yourself or doing anything to manage your stress?  It can help to get some personal therapy to support you with a final decision.

Sometimes, a separation can give both individuals time to reflect and work on some things individually.  Some couples advance to try couples therapy with a psychologist.  

Generally, you can't change someone unless they have a desire to change.  What you can change is the way you interact and react.

Can you share some more details?

You might find the following tutorials helpful:
BOUNDARIES,
FOG
VALIDATION