So tired of being depended on without being able to depend on anyone

[BowlOfPetunias]

A few months ago, I filled out my drivers renewal form.  My wife had the checkbook, so I asked her to fill out hers, but checks in them, and mail them both in.  Over the months, I have repeatedly asked about this and she said she would get to it.  I asked last weekend and she said she would do it.  I asked again today--no, she has not done it.  I may need to take off more work to go in and renew it in person now.;

This follows having my license suspended about a year ago.  She usually drives the car that is registered in my name and got a parking ticket in the area where she works.  They kept sending reminder notices and she said that she would pay it.  I finally got a notice that my license had been suspended (because the car was registered in my name,) I needed to pay the ticket +$100, and go in to get it reinstated.

Also last weekend, I forwarded her information that a prescription had been filled.  I was out of town on business, so I asked her to please pick it up.  She said she would.  Monday night, she said she did not because she thought I had to call insurance about it.  I said I did not.  I had my therapist last night, so I would not get home in time to pick up the prescription.  I asked if she could pick it up.  Yes she would. No she didn't.

But, for example, last week she had to work late and had known about it for some time.  She told me at the last minute, even though she knew I had a therapy appointment that night.  Naturally, I had to be the dependable one, cancel my therapist,  and step in to take care of the kids.  She doesn't get a lot of sick days on her job, so I frequently have to take time off because the kids have a day off from school or one of them got sick or got in trouble at school.  Me, me, me.  Yet I can't count on her to mail in a bloody check or stop by the drug store.

I am sure that this does not come as a surprise given where I am posting, but it often feels like I have three children--ages 7, 13, and 49.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Petunias,

This is difficult, but if someone has shown themselves to be unreliable, then taking steps to take care of things without relying on them is in order- if you want to have some control over what you need and want to do.

I don't know what your automobile situation is, but if her driving a car risks your license, then she should drive a car in her own name.

Likewise - if you have an important appointment- schedule it when the kids are in school, or arrange for them to have a sitter.

If someone is irresponsible- and their partner or parent steps in to rescue or take care of the issues for them- they don't face the consequences of their behaviors. Naturally - we step in when someone might be in serious danger, but for typical negligence- such as not paying  a parking ticket- the natural consequences are the best teacher.

It is tempting to think we are being kind by sparing them from the consequences of their behavior, but we are actually harming them by enabling, and this keeps them from learning and keeps them dependent on us. This may help us with our own need to feel needed, but it isn't kind to the other person.

For your own personal needs, you must take care of them. Something like medication, a therapy appointment should not be made the responsibility of someone else.

I think we can have a view of caring as someone taking care of our primary needs as a form of love, but this can be co-dependency. Interdependency can be emotionally healthy- but we are still responsible to take care of our own basic needs. The difference can be confusing. The same action can be co-dependent or healthy dependencies depending on the interaction between people.

One example for me was cooking dinner. If I didn't cook dinner, my H would get angry because to him, he would feel unloved. That was some kind of issue from his childhood, because, if I didn't cook, it may have nothing to do with him. I may have been out doing something with one of the kids, or busy. But being co-dependent, I made sure to cook so he wouldn't get angry. I didn't cook with the intent to provide a nice meal for my family, I cooked to keep him quiet. I also began to resent this. Resentment of what I did was a key to whether or not I was being co-dependent, or interdependent. Part of the resentment was also feeling like you- I was "caretaking" and feeling that I wasn't cared for in return.

The solution was not to find some magic key to get what I wanted from someone else. It was to take care of my own needs. As a parent, we do consider the children's needs- and they need to be cared for, but they are children. For their sake, you do have to be the dependable one - especially if their mother is unreliable. However, it may also be for the sake of the family- if your wife is working, and doesn't have sick days, it still benefits all of you for her to go to work.

The balance- child care, responsibilities, may not be even between the two of you, however, if she does contribute in some ways, then don't take this away from her. You may need to take on the tasks that would have the most serious consequences- paying bills, paying parking tickets, caring for the kids. Keep in mind though, your wife is not a child and you don't have to take care of everything for her.

[waverider]

Unfortunately experience is telling you that for vital issues you just need to take charge regardless of empty promises, even if she means them in the moment. Endless let downs are not worth the stress.

Its what I like to call the paper umbrella syndrome. It may look like an umbrella but if you don't want to get wet then you leave it at home on rainy days. Restrict its use  for a sunshade on a calm day.

My wife cannot be relied on for anything, ever, unless it is on her radar of Need, Impulsiveness, Instant gratification or Obsession. The Obligation and Responsibility motivators are virtually absent.

[BowlOfPetunias]

Scheduling my therapist during working hours is not really an option--I believe I take off too much work already between medical appointments and family responsibilities.  Babysitters are not an option because we are broke--to the point of having negative balances and bounces.  It would be great if we could even afford a babysitter just to go out by ourselves more than once every 6 months.

[ArleighBurke]

My BPD wife is the same. I can't rely on her for much.

As wrong as that is, I plan my life to NOT rely on her.

• I make plans assuming she won't come, but if she does then cool.
• I will ask her to pickup something from the shops, but I won't presume that she'll do it - I'll have a backup planned, or allow myself time to get it after she forgets but before I really need it.

Sometimes this is painful:

• if she forgets to collect her anti-depressant meds - and she's "too busy" to get them herself - do I get them for her? or have the family suffer her mood change?
• if she forgets to pay a bill/fine - do I pay it on the due date, or does the family wear the late fee?

It sux! Yes we are the "responsible ones". You can fight it and try to change it (good luck), or you can accept it. Inner peace comes from acceptance - not judgement. 

[foodlover]

My BPD wife is the same. I can't rely on her for much.

As wrong as that is, I plan my life to NOT rely on her.

• I make plans assuming she won't come, but if she does then cool.
• I will ask her to pickup something from the shops, but I won't presume that she'll do it - I'll have a backup planned, or allow myself time to get it after she forgets but before I really need it.

Sometimes this is painful:

• if she forgets to collect her anti-depressant meds - and she's "too busy" to get them herself - do I get them for her? or have the family suffer her mood change?
• if she forgets to pay a bill/fine - do I pay it on the due date, or does the family wear the late fee?

It sux! Yes we are the "responsible ones". You can fight it and try to change it (good luck), or you can accept it. Inner peace comes from acceptance - not judgement. 

This is something I bet a lot of us think about. There is something that causes us a great deal of pain. But we also love that person. Ideally I think most of us would LOVE to learn to just be happy no matter what. Even in the middle of a rage or storm just appreciate what we have and learn to love our situation. I know one of the things I struggle with is that sometimes she isn't capable of being there for me emotionally. Its a struggle for her every day and she is constantly battling her feelings which I try to comfort her and love her back to a good place. I feel like I am constantly emotionally giving every day. Sometimes I can have a busy and rather bad day at work.  And I just want her to show me affection and say its ok babe. Relax and I love you. But its not like that. If I have a bad day at work and something terrible happened she deregulates and gets rather upset with me that I am not happy and chipper. Often times she will pick an argument with me saying Im treating her like crap and here comes the punishment. Im already feeling bad about one thing and now I have to deal with her getting upset with me because Im not being her emotional caretaker in that moment. When she feels bad I have to constantly reassure her, show affection and love, comfort her and let her know everything will be ok. If I have a really bad day and Im trying to deal with that in my own way and Im not as giving to her she never turns around and returns the favor. Even if she just let me feel what Im feeling it would be ok. But instead she actually taunts me, yells at me and gets pushy because Im not doing enough for her. I didn't notice she was upset about misplacing a piece of her makeup. I didn't notice something was off about her and try to caretake so she rages. Yet she doesn't listen to anything I have to say about what kind of day I had. No empathy at all. No validation. Just pure selfishness. I talk about something and its like she says... .how dare you feel bad about something. Well I couldn't find my favorite eyeliner and its the end of the world and you don't care about me you selfish pig. All you care about is that a client was really upset and you may lose a lot of money. Cant you see that your job isn't as important as my lost makeup?

I would love to be able to not have the feelings I have but sometimes I cant help but fantasize about having someone that can empathize and say... .Oh Im sorry you had a bad day at work. I know that must suck. It will be ok. That's all I need. I hate to say this but I know for a fact there are plenty of girls like that out there. Girls that don't have BPD that know how to have empathy and show compassion and love.
 

[amsheehy]

My BPD wife is the same. I can't rely on her for much.

As wrong as that is, I plan my life to NOT rely on her.

• I make plans assuming she won't come, but if she does then cool.
• I will ask her to pickup something from the shops, but I won't presume that she'll do it - I'll have a backup planned, or allow myself time to get it after she forgets but before I really need it.

Sometimes this is painful:

• if she forgets to collect her anti-depressant meds - and she's "too busy" to get them herself - do I get them for her? or have the family suffer her mood change?
• if she forgets to pay a bill/fine - do I pay it on the due date, or does the family wear the late fee?

It sux! Yes we are the "responsible ones". You can fight it and try to change it (good luck), or you can accept it. Inner peace comes from acceptance - not judgement. 

This is something I bet a lot of us think about. There is something that causes us a great deal of pain. But we also love that person. Ideally I think most of us would LOVE to learn to just be happy no matter what. Even in the middle of a rage or storm just appreciate what we have and learn to love our situation. I know one of the things I struggle with is that sometimes she isn't capable of being there for me emotionally. Its a struggle for her every day and she is constantly battling her feelings which I try to comfort her and love her back to a good place. I feel like I am constantly emotionally giving every day. Sometimes I can have a busy and rather bad day at work.  And I just want her to show me affection and say its ok babe. Relax and I love you. But its not like that. If I have a bad day at work and something terrible happened she deregulates and gets rather upset with me that I am not happy and chipper. Often times she will pick an argument with me saying Im treating her like crap and here comes the punishment. Im already feeling bad about one thing and now I have to deal with her getting upset with me because Im not being her emotional caretaker in that moment. When she feels bad I have to constantly reassure her, show affection and love, comfort her and let her know everything will be ok. If I have a really bad day and Im trying to deal with that in my own way and Im not as giving to her she never turns around and returns the favor. Even if she just let me feel what Im feeling it would be ok. But instead she actually taunts me, yells at me and gets pushy because Im not doing enough for her. I didn't notice she was upset about misplacing a piece of her makeup. I didn't notice something was off about her and try to caretake so she rages. Yet she doesn't listen to anything I have to say about what kind of day I had. No empathy at all. No validation. Just pure selfishness. I talk about something and its like she says... .how dare you feel bad about something. Well I couldn't find my favorite eyeliner and its the end of the world and you don't care about me you selfish pig. All you care about is that a client was really upset and you may lose a lot of money. Cant you see that your job isn't as important as my lost makeup?

I would love to be able to not have the feelings I have but sometimes I cant help but fantasize about having someone that can empathize and say... .Oh Im sorry you had a bad day at work. I know that must suck. It will be ok. That's all I need. I hate to say this but I know for a fact there are plenty of girls like that out there. Girls that don't have BPD that know how to have empathy and show compassion and love.
 

I'm sorry, I definitely feel for you and can certainly relate to parts of that.

It's very tough and very much like being a parent a lot of the time - have to juggle all of your own stuff, get no support on that and then have to contend with supporting all of their stuff as well. 

I'm lucky in that I don't get the yelling or raging like you do when trying to deal with my own stuff, but her stuff is usually so overwhelming and chaotic that I rarely have time to even think about myself. 

I've realized that if I want/need that kind of support, I'm going to have to find it elsewhere because it's something that's extremely difficult to get from a pwBPD.

Do you have anyone else you can talk to or get support from?  I've found that I've probably drastically lowered the bar in terms of my expectations of support from people in general because when I DO get support from elsewhere, even the slightest bit seems incredible and like an absolute miracle.

[foodlover]

I've realized that if I want/need that kind of support, I'm going to have to find it elsewhere because it's something that's extremely difficult to get from a pwBPD.

Not tolerable. She sees it as abandonment. Any communication with friends is questioned. If I vent any feelings to a GUY friend of mine she just goes on and on about it. Like she is judging it. She rages if I comunicate with any female. Even long time friends. I cant tell her she is judging me because she says "you cant tell me what I am thinking. Only I can". But she will go on and on about things like... .Why are you talking to him, whats so important? When I tell her I get a lot of criticism. Things like... ."why do you have to tell people your problems, he doesn't need to know your business, you talk too much. Are you guys talking bad about me? I feel like you guys probably get together and talk about other women all night.

WOW there is just no place to feel comfortable or safe. Not even with my own friends. Everything is about her. I tell her... .I just needed someone to talk to about something going on with me. But she cant empathize. She only sees how it affects her. In fact the most important thing to her is that she feels like we could be talking about other women and how we wished we could be with someone different. We never talk about that kind of thing but its all she can think about. I tried to just have the mindset "let her think what she will think" but this thinking affects us. Because this is her mindset any time he calls or emails me there is an instant negative reaction and she needs to know exactly what we talk about because she is convinced we just talk about other women. Exhausting.

[amsheehy]

I've realized that if I want/need that kind of support, I'm going to have to find it elsewhere because it's something that's extremely difficult to get from a pwBPD.

Not tolerable. She sees it as abandonment. Any communication with friends is questioned. If I vent any feelings to a GUY friend of mine she just goes on and on about it. Like she is judging it. She rages if I comunicate with any female. Even long time friends. I cant tell her she is judging me because she says "you cant tell me what I am thinking. Only I can". But she will go on and on about things like... .Why are you talking to him, whats so important? When I tell her I get a lot of criticism. Things like... ."why do you have to tell people your problems, he doesn't need to know your business, you talk too much. Are you guys talking bad about me? I feel like you guys probably get together and talk about other women all night.

WOW there is just no place to feel comfortable or safe. Not even with my own friends. Everything is about her. I tell her... .I just needed someone to talk to about something going on with me. But she cant empathize. She only sees how it affects her. In fact the most important thing to her is that she feels like we could be talking about other women and how we wished we could be with someone different. We never talk about that kind of thing but its all she can think about. I tried to just have the mindset "let her think what she will think" but this thinking affects us. Because this is her mindset any time he calls or emails me there is an instant negative reaction and she needs to know exactly what we talk about because she is convinced we just talk about other women. Exhausting.

God, that's terrible!  I'm so sorry and can't imagine being so suffocated and keeping so closed off from others.

So does she pretty much keep a close eye on everything you do most of the time?

Does SHE have any friends she talks to/goes out with, etc?

What about your family?  Are they people you can talk to and/or does she give you grief for talking to them too?

[waverider]

She rages, so you stop doing what is healthy for you.

Her tantrums work, so she is validated in having them.

As a separate issue you will have to work on dealing with tantrums other than compliance. In short how to say "no" in the most constructive way. It is hard as no doubt a precedent has been set.

If you are in a bad mood most likely her line of enquiry is to determine as to whether you are blaming her, with the sole purpose of defending herself. Defense is usually attack. Hence she gets angry when you are in a down mood. It is based in insecurity. You bad mood is setting off alarm bells in her, like any other disruption in her environment.

Unfortunately when you crave validation this is when you are vulnerable to other people with BPD who are looking to rescue someone with a dose of idealization. One of the reasons some find themselves leaving a BPD relationship straight into another.

The solution is to be less  dependent on any single person for validation. This comes from personal self confidence and a strong sense of self. Hence we work on us, to reduce our need for external support, at least from a single person. A support network is better than a sole provider.

Is the validation received from a pwBPD of much authenticity and value anyway? BPD affects all aspects of a personality, even the stuff we like to hear

[Conundrum]

Hi, I don't understand why some of the dynamics described in this thread such as abject helplessness (inability to reliably perform simple errands), or extreme controlling/possessive behavior have not improved over time--though I certainly empathize.

PwBPD mirror their attachment. When the methodology of basic functionality (household errands etc.) are modeled in a joint venture (relationship), absent the gross abuse of substances or a present full blown dysregulation--haven't your partners, for at least some sustained period of time mirrored back the functionality that you modeled for them?

Granted, mirroring doesn't last indefinitely and often leads to engulfment--but since this is this the improving board, for those whom remain together--didn't a bit of that modeling pertaining to functionality rub off on them? I would try to model normative objective methodologies, such as this is the societal custom to prudently manage a credit card, a checking account etc. (she comes from a low functioning background) . Consequently, she mirrored, we fused, and something approaching routine functionality was achieved in our domestic realtions (until after a number of years she fell off the wagon).           

I'll assume that many here are long past that all encompassing idealizing/mirroring stage, so what stage followed that in your relationship? I don't understand how some sort of toxic limbo can continue on in perpetuity without coming to a relatively conclusive head?

When I first met my pwBPD, I experienced that same sort of irrational controlling jealousy as described herein. It was unworldly horrible. What a terrible blood boiling feeling to be unjustly accused of indiscretions by one's partner when I was entirely innocent. I understood that she definitely had suffered core childhood wounds (didn't know it was BPD back then), but living like that was insufferable, unworkable. We hadn't been together too long, yet the stress it caused me was poisonous. I turned to her and said, "this isn't working. If I didn't want to be with you then I wouldn't. I am free to be with whomever I want, yet I chose you. These accusations are pushing me away and if you can't find a way to stop then this relationship will end." She never accused me again. I was dead serious. I couldn't live like that--bc it wasn't living. I felt like a rat in a cage being experimented upon by a disordered adolescent. That approach probably has little universal application--but it's what spilled out of me back then.   

Reading some of the posts herein--they seem to cry out for a good faith attempt at exploring evidence based therapies, which might assist your pwBPD with managing some of these domestic issues. Perhaps, a number of you have already tried. I'd be interested hearing about your experiences. For example, exercises in non-judgmental thinking effectively orient a pwBPD away from an entrenched persecution/blaming mentality towards a more rationally tolerant perspective. From my pov, eliminating ceaseless blaming is foundational to enjoying life with a pwBPD.  My pwBPD like many, possesses a singular focus upon her feelings--but learning to balance, integrate and harmonize those feelings by utilizing a more objective, mindful (and sober) toolset promotes beneficial change in our day-to-day living. Concomitantly, I have an ongoing responsibility to improve my thoughts, speech and actions.   

I guess what I'm getting at in a long-winded manner--many of us have learned the tools to become better partners. We also know that we cannot be the agents of change for our partners. However, if your partner isn't improving, life with them seems more horrid than enjoyable, and the relationship is mired in a toxic limbo--then what will be the proposed catalyst for beneficial change?

I'll finish on a positive note. The other day my pwBPD turned to me and unprompted said, "you have needs too" with a smile and without rancor.  She has never been the monstrously selfish sort (when straight and not dysregulated), yet in the 10-years prior to DBT I had never heard those words from her. Small steps will climb a mountain.     

[Notwendy]

PwBPD have different levels of functioning. My mother is severely affected. She is actually very intelligent but carrying out a process from A to B to C... .etc is very difficult for her. The term for this is executive function, the ability to plan and carry out an action.

If she wants to cook something, taking the steps from looking at a recipe - getting the ingredients, putting them together is an arduous task. If she is supposed to do something, it is constant questions- which pan? how much salt? is it too much salt? do I need more salt? The task stresses her and when she gets anxious, she can't focus.

I suspect she is aware that something is off, but that triggers so much shame. She could blend in with the PTA moms, she is well spoken, well read, intelligent, and was very attractive. So as I got older, the way she would get things done was to do something like volunteer to bake something for school then come home and rage at me to do it for her.

As WW says, what works the best for her is her tantrums. She had us all terrified. It was much easier for her to do what works to get things done than to learn new skills. Some days, she didn't get out of her pajamas. Because we were doing things for her, she didn't learn the skills, but we did. She just learned that if she had a fit, we'd jump into action. ( Dad would be angry if we did not).

I think the mystery is that there are levels of function. A person might function at work or out in social situations as the interpersonal stress is less ( less intimacy) and the motivation to appear normal and competent is high. At home, with a partner or family member, the relationship is more intimate, less incentive to be at their best, and if raging works, well that's what works.

I think this also explains why the relationships start with the person at their best. They are motivated and with less intimacy, less triggered. Then the cycle of dysregulation with partner jumping in to fix/help starts. But I also see my mother's inability as not deliberate, but her way of getting whats she wants as her planning/executing skills are very weak.

[ArleighBurke]

However, if your partner isn't improving, life with them seems more horrid than enjoyable, and the relationship is mired in a toxic limbo--then what will be the proposed catalyst for beneficial change?

I stay with my wife because life IS more enjoyable than horrid. I just can't rely on her to do things... .That is just the way it is. (Just like my wife will NEVER be able to parallel park - that just is! No point fighting it!)

Things won't change - because she has a mental illness. That's not giving up - that's facing the facts. Often she can't rely on herself - she will miss university deadlines because she isn't organised enough to submit on time. Should I assist? I remind her a few days prior, and on the day - that is what a good friend/husband would do - but i am not going to pester her, not going to submit it for her. If she truely had an issue with it she would fix this herself. I can't get stressed about  it - this would be taking on her issue as my own and that is unhealthy.

[waverider]

My wife mirrored and was capable(ish) when I first met her, yes part of the idealization stage. However this is too a high level of focus that only comes with the obsession motivator. I think of it like our ability to absorb new ideas when we are cramming for exams.

However this level of performance is not sustainable. Even the ability to focus prior to exams would see us having a breakdown if we tried that on an ongoing basis. That is not leaving aside the fact that without the immediacy of a goal the motivation is simply not there.

As i have raised in previous topics one of the reasons why sustaining functionality is hard is because the motivational drivers are faulty. The functionality is often based on the need to impress, or prove something, rather than an ingrained sense of responsibility or obligation. In other words it is not self perpetuating but rather external goal focused. Once the importance of impressing (which is the normal motivator for mirroring actions) has passed then the reason for striving for functionality wanes.

This shows up in the common BPD attitude of why perform if there is no one to see it.

Whereas the healthy attitude would be I feel unfulfilled if I dont perform, so i do my best because it makes me feel whole. pwBPD never feel whole so it is an abstract goal.

When my wife does do something it is quite clear her goal is to make it looks like she has done something rather than an attempt to get the job done simply because she is trying to achieve the result of having it done regardless of what anyone else thinks. ie it is for effect.

eg When she bakes, IF she cleans up afterwards it is so I dont complain or to prove she cleans up, rather than because she has any real desire, or obligation, to leave it in a condition it was before she started. To that end she has to tell me she cleaned up, as though it was something special rather than just the normal thing to do that doesn't require some kind of special gratitude. If she can't be bothered, she simply wont and will make an excuse, as though that is fair enough.

Her goals are immediate gratification and reward, they are not based on real foundations, or consolidation of best practice for long term functionality. Hence her efforts are doomed to failure and reinforce her own sense of worthlessness. Increasing the reliance on faking it and spin doctoring.

[Conundrum]

Thanks for the excellent reply waverider. I want to give that some thought.

[foodlover]

PwBPD mirror their attachment. When the methodology of basic functionality (household errands etc.) are modeled in a joint venture (relationship), absent the gross abuse of substances or a present full blown dysregulation--haven't your partners, for at least some sustained period of time mirrored back the functionality that you modeled for them?

No. The more I do the more she expects. If I give, give, give and one day I am tried or I need something she usually disregulates because I changed and I am not myself therefore there must be something wrong or I must be upset with her. One instance. I was not always a very affectionate person. But she slowly started to pick at every action and constantly criticizing me for not being affectionate enough. Not texting her every morning to have a good day. Not asking about work right away. Not saying I love you at the right times. Not kissing her every time I come home from work as soon as I walk in. So slowly to keep her happy I started doing all of those things. She did not mirror. She doesn't text me to have a good day. She doesn't kiss me when I come home. She waits. She will sit still or stay quiet and if I miss something she goes off. She tells me something is wrong. She may say... ."You text me have a good day every morning. You didn't today. You must be upset with me or you don't care today". If I say I am busy and I tell her sometimes it would be nice if you said something to me she attacks back saying you always do this. its what you do. I never text you so its not weird if I don't text you. Its weird if you don't do it. So she justifies why she doesn't have to do anything. She justifies expecting me to do all the work.

[waverider]

You have to be wary of the expectation trap, it is a fine line between this and consistency. Consistency is applied to boundaries and values, while the finer points of repetitive daily routine can trigger expectation.

One other issue with setting a standard is that they believe they can't match that standard and so out of fear of failure or criticism they employ avoidance as they cant cope with the thought of near enough will not be regarded as good enough. remember their motivation for doing it in the first place is to impress, not simple to get a job done that needs doing. This pattern of response can be set by having overly anal parents.

Lack of mindfulness, and awareness of things around them in an orderly way is a problem. All to often they are distracted by issues going around in their head that simply drowns out any awareness of the now. Their mind is too busy chasing shadows, so they have their backs turned to the light so everything else passes them by.

Of course pwBPD are still all individuals so you have to be aware of generalizations,  but it important to be aware of the many possible factors that causes them to react in what seems a totally illogical way, and to adapt your approach to suit your own situation.

There is a lot of trial and error involved. You cannot simply just keep hammering the square peg of logic into the round hole of BPD. You must try different pegs, even if not a match some with fit through and you will move forward without too much damage.