Letting Go of Micromanaging

[momtario]

Hello, my name is mom, and I am a codependent. I am so badly a codependent that I didn't even realize until a friend of mine pointed it out recently, that what I have been doing for the last 15 years is micromanaging.

The information I share with others about the abuse by minimizing, and manipulating it to make myself not appear like too much of a pushover.
The information I shared with FCS (Family & Children's Services) so that I could seek help without actually having to take serious steps.
The information I shared with family - about money, safety, etc. all to maintain a certain reputation of "having it under control."
By 'problem solving' in such ways that I'm taking over situations because I feel I can take everything on in order to prevent another human being from feeling stress or having to deal with the consequences of their actions.

I need to learn to let go. I have been enabling him for too long, and I have to accept that as an adult, he can deal with things like bills, eating, showering, getting to appointments, etc. etc. ad nauseum, without my being there to tell him he has to do these things.

Even more than that, if he is going to choose to make certain mistakes (like violating the FCS orders to not contact our children directly for the time being) I have to let him live with the consequences of that. I do not want my children to never see him again. I would never take that from them, and I think that's why I'm having such a hard time with all of this. I want him to be able to see them. I want them to be able to see him. But that''s on him.

How can I let go of that? I'm ready to try. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi momtario,

I commend you for reflecting on how you can change during this tumultuous time. That is a very brave step. I'm sorry about the circumstances that put you in this place. Your willingness to change your behavior will take you so far in your recovery and growth.  

By 'problem solving' in such ways that I'm taking over situations because I feel I can take everything on in order to prevent another human being from feeling stress or having to deal with the consequences of their actions.

I can really relate to this. My thoughts about it are that I sometimes "take over" and try to relieve others of suffering because seeing them struggle makes ME suffer. Or I want to avoid the consequences of their actions because they impact my life. In other words, at those times, I am actually trying to soothe my own feelings of discomfort at witnessing theirs. Other times, my actions come out of a desire to help, and I don't "suffer" over the other person's suffering. Does that resonate with you at all?

I need to learn to let go. I have been enabling him for too long, and I have to accept that as an adult, he can deal with things like bills, eating, showering, getting to appointments, etc. etc. ad nauseum, without my being there to tell him he has to do these things.

Yes.    Let others do what they are capable of doing for themselves. That frees us up to take care of ourselves and others who are truly dependent on us. And to enjoy life more.  

Even more than that, if he is going to choose to make certain mistakes (like violating the FCS orders to not contact our children directly for the time being) I have to let him live with the consequences of that.  

How can I let go of that? I'm ready to try.  

I think it's hard to let go of patterns that have been with us for a very long time. I would start by pausing before acting. For example, instead of automatically reacting the way you usually do, pause, reflect, inquire. Some questions you might ask yourself:

• What feeling am I trying to soothe in this moment?
• Is what I'm about to do going to help this person live independently and responsibly?
• What are my motivations for this action? Who am I trying to help?
• Is this action enabling an ongoing dysfunction or empowering the other to help him/herself?

Obviously, you won't be able to go through all the questions in a split second, but I do think pausing before acting, especially to feel what is going on inside of you, will really open up some space for you, momtario. It will give you precious time to be present with yourself, which is where change can happen.

heartandwhole

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi there,

Who is the "he" that you are speaking of?

Anyway, just wanted to say that I have, and still do some, found myself in situations with people where I care more about their situation than they do.  This usually leaves me frustrated.

Instead of me framing this behavior as "helpful," I tell myself it is controlling of me to have greater emotional attachment to their outcome than they do, so I try to back off faster as I recognize that I am trying to insist they have the same values that I have, they often do not.

The truth is, that it is rare if I feel more strongly than they and am trying to "drag" them to see what I see, rare t h at they begin to get committed to doing what I thought they needed.  It often doesn't result in them "seeing the light" anyway.

Better for the motivation to act be intrinsically in them, show what I feel, then allow them to take it in or not.