Break-up has confirmed all my beliefs about myself

[CitizenBell]

Before I met my ex I had just come to terms with not being a particularly attractive man, not being what somebody wanted out of a boyfriend. Whether too quiet, or shy, or introverted, or physically... .I always get told I'm cute, but I'm not a "masculine" man. I lack confidence in myself which manifests itself in my body language and speech I think.

I was 27 and had never had a girlfriend before. I'd made out with people on nights out, been sporadically physical in other ways but had only had sex once, never even held hands with somebody before. And at 27 I felt that was kinda pathetic.

She came along and made me feel like a real man, like I had the confidence in me, that I could be found attractive by somebody. That I could have somebody want to marry me and have children with me and that I was their soulmate.

And when she left after 4 months saying the attraction wasn't there, it has just made me believe all those things about myself even more, as the only person who ever seemed to look at me as attractive didn't see them for very long and as soon as she spent prolonged time with me on our holiday stopped feeling it.

If I'd had relationships before her maybe I'd feel better about my prospects. But the intensity worked in my favour, it felt like such a natural connection, we would talk about a lot of personal things. I don't have the faith in myself to go and meet somebody now and be able to build a slow relationship because all I know is the love-bombing idealisation then loss of attraction phase.

[TheSinister]

Hey there:-)
If you will read here in this forum from people that broke up with BPD you will soon find out that the feelings you shared here are very common, these r/s leave you with a very low self esteem even to people that were confident about their looks.

I for example am over 40 and always felt OK with myself (in terms of my look) and was lucky in love for most of my adult years and after a long term textbook BPD r/s I felt empty ugly and surely not attractive to woman. I never dreamed I would feel like that but I did, This is what those r/s doing to your self esteem you being left weak even if you thought you are Brad Pitt  before it all started.

and one other thing: Looks can change and if it bothers you so much did you consider working out or doing some physical training? This would do you wonders not only in terms of your look but you will feel much better after even one month of some kind of activity. take a bike a start riding it, far far away from the memory of your exBPD

Good luck !



  

[amunt]

First of all you must believe in yourself, start gym and martial arts.
Build your body and your style.

If you stay and cry you do nothing, the most succesfull people had the worst experiences

[bunny4523]

I am so sorry that this happened to you.  It isn't fair but you will get through it.  I can relate to what you are talking about.  I was married for 10 years in a physically/mentally abusive relationship.  Once I got out, I was single for 10 and focused on raising my boys.  I played around but nothing serious.  No one seemed to get me or I just felt like they had issues, jealousy or immaturity.   Then along came a succesfful secure nice guy who really seemed to get me.  Actually the more time I spent with him, the more he was just like me.  I finally found him!  The secure nice guy who wasn't threatened by my independence and saw the good person I worked so hard to be.

We get engaged, buy a house and I move in... .then everything changed.  Within a few weeks I started to see the anger, irrational responses, everything about me was bad and the ultimatums started.  The mood swings, the good to bad and back again.  I was kicked out within a month after moving in for spending too much time getting my hair done and shopping for my friends 40th bday party.  What did I do?  How do I fix this?  The one man you loved me for me acts like he hates me!  I must have done something wrong.

It messes with your head.  I know how confusing this is but I you've got to believe that you will find someone who will love you back the way you love.  It's like we fall in love with the image they create of us during the idealization phase... .  we need to remember we are that person whether they still believe it or not.  

How long were you in the relationship?  The longer it is, the harder it usually is to get over it and how many times you try again when you know it's in your best interest to leave also plays a part.

Just know we are all here for you and understand.  We can help you process what has happened to you.

Bunny

[CitizenBell]

How long were you in the relationship?  The longer it is, the harder it usually is to get over it and how many times you try again when you know it's in your best interest to leave also plays a part.

Well, this is where I feel embarrassed because it was only 5 months. But it was a crazy, intense five months, with her asking how I'd propose to her and sending me pictures of baby clothes, and a holiday away together.

I don't know. I feel like I'm too quiet. With her at the start I felt like I could talk forever. But the thought of having a new relationship... .I can't see me going out and just being able to chat to people. Maybe the first date I would be fine but when you start seeing each other more, I feel like I'd just dry up. With her, I felt different, because she was a talker and just loved wanting to talk to me.

For me, it being 5 months makes it tougher because it wasn't a slow loss of affection. It was just a sudden *blam* "I don't feel the same as I did in the beginning" "The attraction isn't there anymore" "I know I'm never going to feel the same about you." To me, I can see people falling out of love slowly. But it was like she was never really into me in the first place despite how 'overwhlmed' she was because she'd 'never felt so deeply about somebody' before and how worried she said she was of messing up and losing me.

I think it's tough because it's my only relationship. And I felt so sure that finally this was my chance to be happy. She told me all these wonderful things and then just stopped feeling it.

[bunny4523]

Well, this is where I feel embarrassed because it was only 5 months. But it was a crazy, intense five months, with her asking how I'd propose to her and sending me pictures of baby clothes, and a holiday away together.

No need to feel embarassed.  Actually be glad it lasted for only 5 months... .because the longer it goes on the more knots to untie.  Trust me, when your with someone longer and they propose and you accept, the more invested you become but here is the catch "they don't".  Even though they say they do and try to act like they do... .one day they can just say... ."nevermind."  So imagine how difficult it would have been if you would have spent years together and had children and then one day she did this same thing to you.

This isn't about you... .there is nothing wrong with you.  You will find the right person for you but you will have to have confidence and believe in yourself first.  That is why these BPD relationships are so hurtful because they focus on co-depency issues - our need to be needed.  To fix, to make someone else happy.  At first they act like we are their knight in shining armor and it feels so good to make them so happy.  Then it changes and we assume it's or fault somehow.  

Read some articles on this site: Lonely child vs abandoned child    This will show you your role in the relationship dynamic.  Not that you did anything wrong but how your healthy good intentions trigger BPD responses and how it leads to the realtionship falling apart.  It's kind of deep but you should  find things right away that help you and then re-read it later and more and more will come to light.  

You need to remember you felt different with her because it wasn't real.  It was wishful thinking on her part, she painted the picture for you and also for herself.  That intensity and honeymoon period can only last for so long.  I've always felt like big growth in relationships (which are usually also conflicts) occur every 3 months for the first year.    By the time you hit the year mark, you usually have a really good picture of who you are with.

BPD relationships usually (from what I have read on this board) start showing serious concerns within the 6 month to 1 year mark.

It is tough and you are right... ."I think it's tough because it's my only relationship. And I felt so sure that finally this was my chance to be happy. She told me all these wonderful things and then just stopped feeling it."

So how do you trust yourself to believe it the next time in a relationship?  Well some tips I've seen on this board... .for 1) too much too soon... .It is a red flag for someone to say all those things to you a month into the relationship but not so bad to hear them after 6 months
2) Mood swings/inconsistency within a few months - usually this is the honeymoon period so people are trying to be on their best behavior.  Not to trick you necessarily but to do better than they have in past relationship.  

With my BPD relationship, I would describe it as starting off very strong, very confident, very sure of the future.  Then it started breaking down very quickly.  With the healthy relationship I am in now, it started off the opposite.  No expectations, no promises... .it slowly grew into a very strong relationship, increased confidence in one another and security for the future.  It took me one year to get to where my BPD relationship was after 1 month.  

I know how hard this is and the best advice I can give you is you need to remember it isn't you.  :)o not let this make you bitter or doubt yourself.  Read anything you can to remind you of this and grow from it, keep your faith that the right person is out there for you.  And definatley pay attention to the red flags/signs so that you do not fall into something like this again... .

Bunny

[joeramabeme]

She came along and made me feel like a real man, like I had the confidence in me, that I could be found attractive by somebody. That I could have somebody want to marry me and have children with me and that I was their soulmate.

CitizenBell

Here is my take on what you are saying.

First, I don't think that your feelings are literally about your physical appearance; you are who you are. Rather, that you are not comfortable being who you are.  For example, you may not be very physical but I am sure you have other attributes that are attractive; music, education, sincerity, authenticity and more ?  What would you say your positive attributes are?  Someone could easily fall in love with that part of you.

There are lots of people that are not physically what they would like to be or feel that they do not favorably compare to others but yet, are in healthy relationships.  I believe the reason for this is how they feel about themselves.  I can tell you some about my story for illustration.

I am a good looking guy with an athletic physique (not bragging here).  Never had a problem with women and have dated plenty (I am older but dated lots when I was younger).  Here is the important part; I felt like I was lacking something in my life that my marriage with my ex uBPDw of 11 years filled.

It is not about my physique, rather the way I felt about some part of my self that got me drawn into this relationship for so long.  In your case that was physical.  In my case I felt inadequate to have a meaningful relationship with someone that I could have my own family with, because I internally felt so damaged from my FOO. 

In both our cases, it is more about self-perception than actual characteristics.  Similar to what I am saying to you; I know many guys who came from very dysfunctional homes that have very good marriages and a family of their own. 

Seems to me that part of the attractant that traps us with pwBPD traits is that those disordered characteristics work well with people who have a diminished self confidence.

Yes - you can go to the gym and improve your physique much like I went to psychotherapy to improve my self perception (during and after marriage); but part of what I needed to learn is that despite ny dysfunctional family of origin; I am worthy of someone that will treat me well - all the time - not just in the beginning or sporadically sprinkled with some battery acid for flavoring.

That is a big part of the work that we do here at BPD Family; self awareness of why we were drawn into the relationship.  From that awareness we can change.  The change needs to be internal b/c what got us involved with our exes likely has nothing to do with our externals.

Does that makes sense?

JRB

[CitizenBell]

It's less about the physical, although I don't like how I look, and more about who I am. I don't think I come across as attractive as I feel I have this nervous energy and lack of confidence. I was getting better when I met her and always felt confident with her right up to the trip.

It's more the way it happened. She spent prolonged time with me for the first time and decided she didn't like me anymore. That was absolutely devastating to me. The trip was supposed to be about me and her and it was meant to be fun. When she cried that first night I just about died. Then for her to say the trip made her re-evaluate how she felt and that the attraction isn't there... .she must have seen something in me out there or stopped seeing something in me.

And I think it was to do with the quietness and me opening up about being shy. She was so infatuated with me and as soon as I started talking about being an introvert it was like it just put her off.

I did feel something was missing. I even said to her that part of the reason I travelled is because I felt there was something missing at home but I didn't feel that way anymore. She said the same, that I was her "missing piece, we don't have to wander alone anymore." Man, she seemed so crazy about me.

[CitizenBell]

My insecurities and lack of confidence was what ruined it, I think. I don't even think it was the trip. When I came back I actually said things to her like "I feel like I'm boring you when I'm like this and have nothing to say". I didn't have anything to say to her. Not after that trip, seeing her crying and not eating and retching into the toilet. It was traumatic.

[Hlinthewiking]

Your insecurities didn't ruin it, it's not your fault. She wasn't really relating to you, but with her own version of you that was manufactured in her head, I'm sure it build up inside her for longer then you imagine.

I actually unfortunately did something like this, to my second girlfriend. After having a relationship with my first girlfriend, which was uNPD/uBPD, I was needing someone nice, I really wanted someone who would treat me well and be a nice person who I could have a nice conversation without thinking twice before speaking, so I fell for her, we had similar interests, she was very nice and sweet, but it was a bit forced on my part, she wasn't my type, I stayed with her for 5-6 months and I didn't feel much attraction anymore, it went downhill slowly, we were both nice to each other but we ended it. I still really like her, she was one of the nicest girls I'v ever related to and I hope she's happy now.

Next time you relate to someone it will be even better, trust me, you just need to build up that self confidence and you will find someone who likes you for who you are and may think you are THE man.

I agree with TheSinister about working out, I used to be overweight as a kid and I didn't even feel worthy of a girl, now I'm an athlete and my confidence is much better. If I had this kind of confidence when I was overweight, I wouldn't need to be fit to have a relationship. Overweight or not, working out makes you feel better in the inside, maybe it's something you should try.

[snowwhite]

It may very well have had something to do with just going on a trip. People with BPD can get very weird about traveling.
But no, your insecurities did not ruin it. You were being vulnerable and opening up to her. People with BPD need all the attention focused on them. That does not leave them with any to use to support your needs. We all have insecurities. You are in the company of every other person on the planet.
May I suggest you contact a good female therapist and tell her exactly what you have told us. Having never actually met any of us, we can only give limited help. If there are things such as presenting yourself shyly because you lack self-confidence, she will see these things and can help you develop the social skills you might lack.  Be completely open with her and trust her to guide you.
You seem like a nice man. There are many women who are looking for a permanent relationship with a future. Tell yourself you deserve that.

[joeramabeme]

It's less about the physical, although I don't like how I look, and more about who I am. I don't think I come across as attractive as I feel I have this nervous energy and lack of confidence. I was getting better when I met her and always felt confident with her right up to the trip.

It's more the way it happened. She spent prolonged time with me for the first time and decided she didn't like me anymore. That was absolutely devastating to me. The trip was supposed to be about me and her and it was meant to be fun. When she cried that first night I just about died. Then for her to say the trip made her re-evaluate how she felt and that the attraction isn't there.... she must have seen something in me out there or stopped seeing something in me.

And I think it was to do with the quietness and me opening up about being shy. She was so infatuated with me and as soon as I started talking about being an introvert it was like it just put her off.

I did feel something was missing. I even said to her that part of the reason I travelled is because I felt there was something missing at home but I didn't feel that way anymore. She said the same, that I was her "missing piece, we don't have to wander alone anymore." Man, she seemed so crazy about me.

CB - Totally understandable the pain you are in and how what happened must feel devastating.  But note you seem to be attributing her decisions, behaviors and actions as a function of you rather than her BPD traits.  Did you suddenly transform the guy that she was introduced to into a different guy on the trip?  Doesn't sound that way, so the change of heart is from her.

BPD is an emotional attachment disorder.  I am sure being on a trip 1-1 triggered her fears.  When you say she got sick, that is an extreme reaction to taking a trip. 

"She decided she didn't like you anymore" is probably more accurately stated that her fears got triggered and she could no longer manage her emotions. 

Go easy on yourself.  pwBPD project their negative feelings onto those that are closest to them.  We non's are very good at accepting blame or finding ways to blame ourselves for outcomes associated to this.

Do you feel more comfortable explaining this outcome as a function of your perceived deficiencies?  Thereby accepting blame for an outcome that otherwise has no explanation from her?

JRB

[Sadly]

CB, sorry this is happening to you too, something you said rang a bell with me even though it's almost an exact opposite to start with.
You say, you have no confidence but she made you feel good about yourself, feeling safer you opened up to her and at that point she changed her mind about how she felt about you, began to devalue you, yes ?
In my case I was a very confident person, comfortable in my own skin. Apparently this is one of the things that attracted my ex to me.
As he got to know me better I opened up to him and he realised I had the same doubts and insecurities all of us have, almost instant devaluation began.
In your case she did see something in you, a growth of confidence,  not her quiet little puppet she could pull the strings on. This would have terrified her.
In my case he saw someone who could indeed be vulnerable not someone he could lean on for everything, his bloody Iron Woman, that shattered his vision, terrified him.
Do you see what I am probably very badly trying to explain?
The one thing it does show though is inside you there is confidence in yourself trying to get out, it is there cos you felt it. Please don't think you can't find it again without her, she wasn't real. A good therapist will be able to help you believe in yourself, find that confidence again without all the negative nasties.  Good luck love. 

[CitizenBell]

You say, you have no confidence but she made you feel good about yourself, feeling safer you opened up to her and at that point she changed her mind about how she felt about you, began to devalue you, yes ?
In my case I was a very confident person, comfortable in my own skin. Apparently this is one of the things that attracted my ex to me.
As he got to know me better I opened up to him and he realised I had the same doubts and insecurities all of us have, almost instant devaluation began.

I'd say it was that way with me, to be honest. I've never had a permanent sort of confidence but when I met her I was doing pretty well. I was her 'rock', her 'strength'. I was doing training at work and gotten really good feedback, I felt positive, happy, looking forward to travelling. I think that shone through to her, she was a bit of a Waif-type, although I suspect a lot of the vulnerability was an act. I know I said I felt unattractive and not what people wanted out of a boyfriend but I did feel good about myself. I had a girl interested me earlier in the year (who also talked about kids after one date). And I knew my ex liked me before we got together.

Then I started opening up and having the same doubts and insecurities. Things didn't seem the same when we came back, she didn't want to stay over anymore, and I thought it was due to how she had been abroad, feeling unattractive in herself (she was having major issues with the pill out there).

The turning point was when I'd text her one day when I hadn't been happy. It wasn't because of her. I did say I worried about her going to live in Cyprus one day and that this talk of forever wouldn't end up that way. I did feel insecure after the trip, but I had other things going on. She told me I shouldn't be worrying about that, it was a lot to say after three months.

"A lot to say?", I thought, "You asked me how I was going to propose to you after one date."

When I phoned her later she was in tears, she was saying she never felt so deeply for somebody, we shouldn't be worrying, sometimes she didn't know how to handle her emotions because she'd never felt that way before. I'd said sometimes it felt like she didn't believe me when I told her how much I cared and she said "It's just nobody's ever said them before, how can one person be so good?" That was the start of the end, I felt, not the trip. She said she felt we needed to take a step back for our relationship, two weeks before she'd said the pace was still fine.

I said maybe we shouldn't text the next day but I broke and text her and we talked that afternoon, she cried saying it was so hard not texting but she didn't want to stay over New Year's Eve. Then she met my parents and it went brilliantly, and the next day I told her that "I guess, while I understand if you don't want to have sex right now, I don't understand why you can't come over and watch a film."

She text back "What do you mean 'you guess', I thought you understood. I thought we had a lovely night last night but apparently not. I was so shocked to hear this." I backtracked of course and said I hadn't worded it well and she said "No, you didn't."

I would get told off for not replying after 30 minutes but when I wanted to spend some actual time with her I was made to feel like the worst boyfriend in the world. But she was snapping at me even when we were abroad.

That was the thing, she said she'd been wanting me to save her from her last relationship. She'd pushed for dedication, commitment, physical and emotional intimacy, for coming away with me and when she finally got everything she said she wanted she bailed. I guess that's a common BPD trait now that I've read up about it.

[lovenature]

Hey CB, I am also an introvert and my uBPDexgf was my first relationship. It is extremely painful to devote yourself to someone else to the point of losing yourself; FOO issues are the most common reason we stayed in a toxic relationship trying desperately to make it work.

You have to be comfortable with yourself, no matter what your physical, mental, emotional health is. Most will recommend that you take the time to learn and heal before going into another relationship.

People with BPD need an attachment to feel like they exist, it is common for them to play the victim and get help from others, they mirror their attachment and that really creates a bond (you think you have met your soul mate), once you get too close it triggers their fear of engulfment so they push you away, then when you are too far they pull you back to avoid their greatest fear of abandonment.

These relationships commonly cause us to question just about everything, your self esteem gets decimated and you think negatively about yourself; always be realistic and remember who you were before this relationship. Continue to learn and post, we can get the good parts of ourselves back and work on what we need to; learn the lessons that this relationship has shown you.

I would recommend you stay strict NC for as long as it takes to detach; the further out you get, the clearer things become, and you will probably have a significantly different view of yourself in the future than you do now.