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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Ex Wants To Quit Her Job And Babysit The Kids  (Read 370 times)
Turkish
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« on: October 02, 2016, 01:07:42 AM »

We have joint legal and physical custody.  D4 is about done with the TFCBT regarding the molestation by uncle,  now 18 1.5 years ago.  They are still there,  with boundaries.  No kids ever alone with him.  The family is clear on this,  though if it were 100% up to me,  they'd be watched elsewhere.  They aren't there for more than a few hours a day since they ate both in school. 

D4, in her last session,  when the T explained what molestation was,  said,  "like what uncle did to me. " She hadn't mentioned it in over a year.  We're trying to work out how a person can hold conflicting feelings towards someone who abused us (something those of us in resistivity relationships with pwBPD struggle as adults!).

Last night I got a late call. My ex said that D4 touched her again,  but it was when grandma was in the kitchen literally 5 feet away.  My ex triggered off of this.  While I think D4 was using the memory as an excuse,  her feelings are still valid.  I see the uncle at times when I pick them up.  My gut tells me that he isn't the predatory type  and that he still walks in eggshells around me.  My ex and I are meeting tomorrow to talk about this.  I don't see her in physical danger here,  but emotionally in the long run is what we're getting guidance on.

She wants to cut back from her job and watch the kids in the afternoons.  She and her husband are deeply into what I see as a silly multi level marketing business. 

A year ago,  my T, who in addition to hearing my stories,  only saw her twice individually before she abandoned couples' counseling,  said,  "do you think it's a good idea she spends more time with the kids?"

Since a year ago,  she split her husband black.  The three times I saw them together,  she treated him with disdain. I first observed this last January.  Early last month,  I got a night call.  She punched him.  She's lucky he didn't call the cops.  I counseled her like I would a member here,  got her to call a hotline.  She aid he was physical with her previously,  though she amped it up.  She showed me the bruise on the top of her hand.  She punched him hard,  in front of the kids. 

I sent her a hotline number,  and she said they told her the same things I did.  Mutually abusive r/s, you need a safety plan.  I told her she needed to call her T. I knew this was reportable.  Two days later,  we had an appointment with D4's T, previously scheduled. 

She admitted it to the T (D4 was out of the room). The T was going to report it.  I think my ex was at a loss and wanted help.  Upon consultation with other therapists,  it wasn't reported.  My ex took repainting responsibility, both kids were in therapy,  and we were in "bad parenting" classes for three months.  I also met with their step dad a week later.  I counseled him similarly.  I put on my Turkish hat. I iterated that there were no three strikes here.  This couldn't happen again in front of the kids.  He seemed to take the meeting positively.  He's seeing a T, and they're both in couple's counseling in their church.  No comment on that.

The other night,  the kids brought it up.  S6 said "[Step-Dad] has a demon." D wanted mommy back in the house.  She left 3 years ago coming up early next year. 

In the last therapy session the T had D4 draw and talk about her family.  She never mentioned step dad.  Both the therapist and my ex (out of the corner of my eye) reacted like this was odd.  It is. 

My ex still respects me,  and looks to me for guidance.  She said that,  "thanks for your guidance in this" regarding the DV. I don't think it would be good for her to spend when more time with the kids, even if she's gotten more skills from the Parenting classes.  D4 is starting to be enmeshed.  S6 isn't.  He's been saying for ever a year that he'd rather live with me.  D4 says the opposite,  but only since her mom started spending more time with them a year ago during the day.  It might be a girl boy thing,  too. 

I'm not yet sure what I'll say tomorrow. 
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2016, 06:13:15 PM »

Excerpt
My ex said that D4 touched her again,  but it was when grandma was in the kitchen literally 5 feet away.  My ex triggered off of this.

Does she want to babysit the kids because she gets triggered? It sounds to me like she wants to rescue, what do you think? What did you tell your T when he asked you if it was a good idea?
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Harri
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« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2016, 07:45:44 PM »

How did it go today?

Is there any possibility of stressing the importance of socialization at that age and using that as a means to have D enroll in after school programs (assuming they are available)?  Between that and the unstable environment that is current in your exes home, perhaps she may be less resistant to you saying no?

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Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2016, 12:07:11 AM »

The trigger is real,  but the situation is valid.  I've been saying the kids should be somewhere else for a year. 

The meeting was OK.  An hour at a café. We gave the kids our phones to keep occupied. There may be a family member in D4's class who could watch her in the afternoon.  My ex is going to ask.  The son was in S6's Pre-k class last year.  The parents seem cool.  I get a good vibe,  unlike a few parents there. 

My ex said she hadn't told her mom about what our daughter said,  saying that hey mom would reply,  "so you don't want me to watch the kids? fine!" She did this last year.  I said to call her bluff and just take the kids. It may cost a little more money,  but the kids emotional safety is paramount. 

She talked again about quitting her job since the new company is telegraphing that they won't be as flexible.  I don't sense any desire on her part to go after me for more child support , which is one reason I keep a friendly r/s with her.  I know they're struggling for money in that household.  Maybe she shouldn't have married a "kid" with no career, not bringing in much money,  failing add a provider (despite using having more education than both of us?)  but I keep my mouth shut about that. 
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
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