Outsiders perspective

[jrharvey]

Im just curious what peoples thoughts are here. There is no current problem as we have worked things out pretty well but just looking for your opinion.

First... .I have a washing machine and dryer that I bought way back in college for $100 for both. It was used. This was 11 years ago. I consider this to be a pretty amazing deal considering how long they lasted.

About a month ago I was washing a small load with sheets in it and it randomly quit for a day. This was right before we left for a 2 day vacation. Luckily when we got back it just started working again. Never figured out the problem.

Last night I was washing a load of clothes in the washer and I think the pump died. It would fill up with water and agitate but wouldn't remove the water. She was taking a shower while I was trying to HAND WASH my clothes that were sitting in a big pile of water. Luckily the pump died AFTER the rinse cycle so all I have to do is ring it dry and throw in the dryer. Im feeling pretty bummed about that and also thinking about the cost of replacing these and the amount of effort trying to swap the machines. But I stay cheery and hop in the shower. In a completely normal tone she says... .you always break the washer before we go on vacation. Her voice wasn't upset and it kinda sounded like she wasn't serious. It wasn't the best time to joke with me about that but I brushed it off. Then after getting out of the shower I went back in the laundry room to ring out more clothes and throw in the dryer. This is taking a while. Maybe 30 minutes to hand ring out all these clothes and she is chilling in the other room and talking to me. Im already a little frustrated at the washer for this and she says... ."What am I going to do with my clothes?". I said... "We might have to go to the Laundromat before I can get a new one". She paused and said something like "You always put too much in there and now it broke the machine". At that I said "It could be anything. Last time I only put the sheets in. It was a small load. Its just getting old. Doesn't mean its me." She said oh yeah your right. Its probably just old. At that point I felt ok and just wanted to brush it off.

Then I get into bed and she starts asking if something is wrong. I tell her I felt bummed out about the machine breaking and then on top of that she started saying that I was the one that broke it which made it worse. She got extremely defensive and saying she was just joking and I am too sensitive. She said that I have hate for her and I need to release the hate. Then she started saying she cant say anything and wont talk anymore if I am going to get upset about joking. She said she was too scared to talk to me and its juts better to stay quiet. At that point I was thinking "really?". I said... "You take so many things I say wrong. You get upset about so many things all the time. I can be trying to show you love and affection and at the same time you get upset about something". I referenced several examples of when I was trying to say something GOOD about her but it got twisted. She said that's different and this is coming out because I hate her now. I just got frustrated and didnt want to argue about it so just stayed quiet and tried to sleep.

She got closer, gave me a hug and kiss and said sorry. She said she was sorry for making me feel bad but she wished I wasn't so sensitive. I said when she said I was the one that broke it I just felt worse when I already felt bad about the washer breaking. I said... .I wish you could say something like "Im sorry babe, that sucks. What are we going to do?". Not say that I always break it before vacation. She said she really understands and she is sorry.

Things were feeling good for a minute and then she started going on about how she is afraid of me being interested in other girls. Saying that she doesn't like that I work with females and part of my job is going to hospitals where there will be young nurses. We talked for about half an hour about that. I validated a little by letting her know I worry about that too sometimes and feeling that way is normal. I then told her I don't care about the new or trying to find something better. That I want something that last and my goal is to have a wife and family and Im done messing with new and different girls. I'm not interested in that. She went on to say that I would just see a pretty girl and I could not resist and would want her. I realized this would get circular if I kept going. I just said "I already told you how I felt about that and I cant keep going." She said... "Ok your right" then she hugged me and fell asleep holding me.

I have explained to her what JADE is and she understands and agrees that it doesn't help to JADE. So now when I say something like "I cant continue to JADE" she usually understands and accepts what I say. It helps.


SO after that long story. Im wondering... .should I have kept my mouth shut about the washer? Should I have not said anything? Was it right to express my feeling about that when she asked if something was wrong? Was I being too sensitive? Im wondering from an outsiders point of view.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

You said what you had to say.  She reacted as her emotions dictated.  You need to accept that you can't stop her emotions from dysregulating - you can just choose how much they will affect you. 

She needed to hear you say you did not like her saying that you broke the washer.  She did not like having that responsibility for her own actions put back on her, so she tried to return the blame back to you.  That's all that happened.  Then, other things that her emotions thought were important and your family had to be mentioned, too. 

This was a pretty "normal" back and forth.  And it was late.  H seems to get really agitated at bedtime, and is more likely to be dysregulating at that time.  I call it "going down the rabbit hole" where, if allowed, he will get himself into a frenzy about any and everything that is bothering him, and any and everything that ever HAS bothered him, and will go on for hours if allowed and not sidetracked, or if the audience (me) is not removed somehow.  This is one reason I like to shower after he's done - it gives me an excuse to leave the the room, and come back and most fo the time find him almost asleep. 

There really isn't much I can say about any other way to handle things.  I mean, only you can decide what you NEED to say and communicate and what you will accept from her as far as trying to blameshift it all back to you.  Working with the tools won't make all of these incidents go away 100%.  It's going to happen time to time, you can just work to "not make things worse" and since this did not end up in a huge violent argument or with one of you leaving the room or house for the night, I think that's pretty good. 

I tend to ask myself what is important to mention to H, as sometimes I don't feel my getting it out will really help anything at all, and so it really doesn't mean much to me to say it anymore.  That may not be the best thing to do/not do on my part, but I really hate wasting time on conversations that I know won't get anywhere. 

[jrharvey]

I tend to ask myself what is important to mention to H, as sometimes I don't feel my getting it out will really help anything at all, and so it really doesn't mean much to me to say it anymore.  That may not be the best thing to do/not do on my part, but I really hate wasting time on conversations that I know won't get anywhere.

 
I think what you say here is important. I know many of us get constantly criticized almost daily by our BPD SO and it hurts a lot. It can become abusive if we let it. So I don't want to criticize everything she does. Its definitely important to pick your battles and try to say what your need to say while not putting them down and also validating their feelings. Often times the biggest reason I hate when she criticizes me is it feels like an attack on me so I try not to do that.

 
 
 

[SettingBorders]

I think you handeled this very well, both of you, actually! I see the efforts your gf has made to soothe herself and you can be very proud of yourselves.

In my opinion at the state you're at, it's right to express your own feeling of hurt. If the situation and mood of your partner was worse, I would recommend to keep that feeling to yourself, for not making it worse. But in your case, as you see, she was able to even handle your feelings without feeling blamed. For sure you two have even fixed something in your relationship.