Going through my friends.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been about nearly 3 months since we parted. The last message we sent each other was on a kind note, in which I said goodbye and haven't spoken to him since. He agreed to the goodbye and messaged me a couple of days later, to which I ignored.

Now about a month later he is messaging my friends and asking how I am? He has a new partner and I understand how it all works in regards to rebounds and new relationships. What I don't understand is why he is contacting my friends. From what I've seen on here, he is supposed to be being horrible about me. But he's not.

My best friend agreed to meet him a couple of nights ago and questioned him briefly about the message he had sent to another friend. He didn't reply to the question (my friend doesn't really get the borderline thing so he got manipulated around). My friend said that I was moving on and so should he.

Why is he trying to be nice with my friends? What is he after and how do I handle this? I can't tell my friends what to do but I don't want reminders all the time.

[Cleanglass]

It's been about nearly 3 months since we parted. The last message we sent each other was on a kind note, in which I said goodbye and haven't spoken to him since. He agreed to the goodbye and messaged me a couple of days later, to which I ignored.

Now about a month later he is messaging my friends and asking how I am? He has a new partner and I understand how it all works in regards to rebounds and new relationships. What I don't understand is why he is contacting my friends. From what I've seen on here, he is supposed to be being horrible about me. But he's not.

My best friend agreed to meet him a couple of nights ago and questioned him briefly about the message he had sent to another friend. He didn't reply to the question (my friend doesn't really get the borderline thing so he got manipulated around). My friend said that I was moving on and so should he.

Why is he trying to be nice with my friends? What is he after and how do I handle this? I can't tell my friends what to do but I don't want reminders all the time.

[Grissum69]

Well he could be doing numerous things, trying to use your friends to keep tabs on you ,and or a possibility to reach out to you.  Play mind games with you while he is doing his thing, trying to get a reaction out of you.  I believe there a many possibilities, but that you gone NC is the best thing you could have done.  From what I am learning it is best for you in the long term, if need be any form of contact should be NC.  I think if you have to tell your friends then tell them, maybe they will try and understand and support you.   It's hard to say...   but I wish you the best.   

[Mutt]

Hi Cleanglass,



Its possible that he's going through friends because you ignored the last message. Maybe he's trying find out if you're upset? What's he asking your friends?

I understand how hearing your ex through friends is tough when you're grieving the loss of the r/s, it doesn't help hearing about the ex. I agree with Grissum69's suggestion ask your friends to not relay info back to you because you broke up now is not the time to hear about him. My family and friends understood my request when I asked them to stop telling that you spotted her or ask me questions about her. You might be surprised that how understanding friends can be.

[Circle]

Remember, they practice manipulation frequently. I don't buy into anyone telling you what to do. Only you can decide the best course of action!
There are different approaches. You have to figure it out. No-Contact works for some people; but it's not the End-All-Be-All. Different approaches have different advantages and disadvantages. Best of luck!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284223.0

[Cleanglass]

I think I agree that he is trying to keep tabs on me and find out if there was a way to drag me back in because of his inappropriate need to have attention.

I left out the part where he said that I will probably never talk to me again to my friend. I think he has inadvertently told me his intentions there. He's testing the waters.

In all honesty though, I'm feeling the best I ever have. I'm finally concentrating on getting myself to happy place, with out the need to get with some one else straight away and just learning about myself.

Him reaching out through people is, as you said, a manipulation and nothing more. I think no contact is the best way, because anything else would be telling yourself that you're worth the abuse and manipulation.

Thanks people for the replies, it helps. I just couldn't see it before - my ego want to tell me that I was missed but I knew logically that it wasn't the case, but it was blurring my vision of the situation.

[Cleanglass]

He was literally asking if I'm ok. That was it. He told my friends that he knows I probably won't talk to him again but he just wanted to know if I was ok ... .which is funny because whenever I was done in the relationship he didn't seem to care = clearly he is lying now.

And it's also worth noting that my friends don't want contact with him. They're good friends. The one who met him the other night did say to me that it's not the same as it was. He had no interest in my ex anymore and was bored - even to the point of cutting the night short, claiming he was tired.

I know if I asked my friends to cut contact, every single one of them would. Realistically, this is the reason I don't need to. The ones who have him on facebook simply find him amusing like car crash TV, not as an actual friend.

It's sad because it didn't have to be this way but it's happy because I've finally learnt to value myself. I'm happy with myself and I'm getting better again, better than I was before I even met my ex.