How to Get Closure

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Many people write about getting closure. I taught divorce recovery at a local church for 7 years and even wrote a workbook on it. Having gone through divorces before, I believe I know the answer: forgiveness of the borderline and forgiveness of yourself. It is common in breakups and divorces that people become bitter. Bitterness is one step worse than angry. It is allowing a place in your heart on an ongoing basis to stay angry, want justice or revenge and wish the other person would suffer. The truth is bitterness is the poison you take that damages you. It gives your ex lover or spouse control over your emotions. Letting go of this deep anger is not easy, but it is what you HAVE to do to heal. How do you do that? Recognize that your "other" is mentally ill. Acknowledge that you played a part by allowing the abuse to happen and being taken in during the idealization phase. Recognize that forgiveness is not about the other person, it is about you - saving you from ongoing heartache. Forgiveness is a decision not an action. Decide to forgive him/her. It will not happen instantly. Have as a goal asking the other person to forgive YOU for your role in the relationship. No matter how they respond (agreement, anger, nastiness, keeping mum, apologizing), it is over. You are doing this for you, not to help them - though that could happen. Then the next step is to decide you are going to work on forgiving yourself. We get stuck blaming ourselves for being stupid, not seeing who he/she really was, the co-dependency, etc. In my marriage, I loved my wife and tried everything to please her and make her happy. With borderlines of course that doesn't work. So I can feel good about my well-intentioned loving efforts even if I did choose someone not capable of accepting them and reciprocating appropriately. This process takes time but if you start today with these decisions in mind, it will work. I have seen it work hundreds of times in divorced people including in me. There is HOPE.

[RippedTorn]

Many people write about getting closure. I taught divorce recovery at a local church for 7 years and even wrote a workbook on it. Having gone through divorces before, I believe I know the answer: forgiveness of the borderline and forgiveness of yourself. It is common in breakups and divorces that people become bitter. Bitterness is one step worse than angry. It is allowing a place in your heart on an ongoing basis to stay angry, want justice or revenge and wish the other person would suffer. The truth is bitterness is the poison you take that damages you. It gives your ex lover or spouse control over your emotions. Letting go of this deep anger is not easy, but it is what you HAVE to do to heal. How do you do that? Recognize that your "other" is mentally ill. Acknowledge that you played a part by allowing the abuse to happen and being taken in during the idealization phase. Recognize that forgiveness is not about the other person, it is about you - saving you from ongoing heartache. Forgiveness is a decision not an action. Decide to forgive him/her. It will not happen instantly. Have as a goal asking the other person to forgive YOU for your role in the relationship. No matter how they respond (agreement, anger, nastiness, keeping mum, apologizing), it is over. You are doing this for you, not to help them - though that could happen. Then the next step is to decide you are going to work on forgiving yourself. We get stuck blaming ourselves for being stupid, not seeing who he/she really was, the co-dependency, etc. In my marriage, I loved my wife and tried everything to please her and make her happy. With borderlines of course that doesn't work. So I can feel good about my well-intentioned loving efforts even if I did choose someone not capable of accepting them and reciprocating appropriately. This process takes time but if you start today with these decisions in mind, it will work. I have seen it work hundreds of times in divorced people including in me. There is HOPE.

[Curiously1]

Hi RippedTom,

Thank you for sharing your post about how it is important to forgive our BPD loved ones as well as ourselves for causing hurt after the ending of the relationship. Everything you said step by step is a really important process to get through.

When my ex discarded me for the last time I right away apologised for all the things I felt accountable for. By that time I truly knew it was over and I did everything I possibly could and read as much as to know it was not ALL my fault for things not working out. Despite her not apologising for her own, it felt great to release all of that to her, I put a lot of thought into it and even when I re-read it to this day of what I sent her I have no regrets on what was expressed. Because that was expressed so early on in the healing process, it wasn't enough to heal myself completely. I thought I had forgiven her, and I mostly had knowing she is mentally ill, but there was plenty I could not forgive the more things I picked up and learnt as the days went by during recovery. There are even more mistakes I felt I made and had not asked for forgiveness for, but I've stopped that now. I have decided not to reach out and everything that I have done is simply enough.

Still went through the grief cycle, black and white thinking based on feeling wronged to reidealising her in my mind, just all of that which made things difficult but was still a necessary process to circle through and still doing. I found that it was easier to forgive her I think than to forgive myself because I used to think I was fully responsible for her and taking care of her AND I knew I was the more self-aware one. But based on self-awareness yes, it can be difficult process because I realised how hard I am on myself and yes knowing my insecurities I did/do have times where I would lecture myself like how could I be a fool, so naive, so stupid, so needy, so approval seeking or even reacting similar to a BPD at certain times I felt frustrated/reached my limit with her.

My anger and bitterness was far greater towards my replacment, feeling like the person was more self-aware too and taking advantage of what I was trying to 'fix' by enabling and siding with my ex everytime we were arguing etc and just trying to win her over altogether. All complicated thoughts, feelings, reactions, it was quite interesting to find I was more angry at that friend than my ex who was one of the major causes of our issues and who was not capable of being loyal to what I realise is to either of us, not just me. My exbdgf is selfish and in a matter of time may eventually drop her if she finds another. Last time I checked she treated her friend a lot poorly than she ever did me based on what the friend expressed to me - but yeah she won't let go. Makes me feel like my ex was milder to me and a whole lot scarier and abusive towards the friend based on what she could get away with and the amount of respect maybe she has for someone. Not sure why the friend could possibly be having it worse...

I'm at a point now where I think I don't feel as much anger towards the replacement (who didn't end up with my ex anyway and is just a friend but still there when she is lonely), but accepted that I just could not respect the replacement for getting in-between my rocky relationship with no shame. But yes, if I focus on forgiveness with her too I realise she was just as insecure as my ex and the fact the friend was suicidal just meant to me that she was not 100% okay and grew sickly dependent on my ex.

Now I know what I deserve, that my ex was not capable of reciprocating healthily and simply did not share the same values or could resist having a backup and hurting me too based on her abandonment issues and own selfishness, not considering her friends feelings too. They both knew right from wrong but my healing and mental energy is no longer focused about them now but what I can do to better myself and enjoy my life and more healthier relationships.

I look forward to the future a lot more postively than looking back at the past that reminds me of what hurt me and what I should no longer cling to. There is nothing left there for me.

[Mutt]

Hi RippedTorn,



That was well said.

[Anez]

That's some really good stuff, rippedtorn.

My T, who knows a lot about BPD, talks a lot about forgiveness and you pretty much nailed everything he has talked with me about.

Thanks for sharing.