"You should be happy with yourself before you look for someone else"

[half-life]

I was thinking about the adage "you should be happy with yourself before you look for someone else". And how I come to do the opposite. Two years after the break up of my 15 years marriage, I finally go out, mostly through online dating, to look for new relationship. Once I started, I was completely consumed by this. All the supposed rejections have made me feel so bad. I had some short lived boost whenever some woman has reacted positively to me. But I was mostly down in the last few months.

This is strange because I have been married to a BPD for 15 years. I survived despite there wasn't much emotional connection. Before that, which is much of my 20s, I was a happy loner. For all the past 40 years I have never wanted someone else so badly. But now, being a happy loner does not do it anymore. All the old hobbies and activities are meaning less to me. What I really want is a real connection.

I wasn't an unhappy person. Positive, optimistic, and agreeableness are some of my core identity. I have a professional job and am financially stable. I am fit and I exercise regularly. I have a healthy self-esteem and I appreciate many things in life. 15 years of BPD marriage did not grind me down. I can honestly say I like myself.

Perhaps one reason I am so eager is I have since learned and grown a lot. I have to learn all the subtle relationship skills and to be more validating as I struggled with my BPD. I have learned to be confident, to open up, to be empathic. I think I am now a much better partner, if only I can find her.

Rationally it is ridiculous to depend so much of my happiness on another person. But just how reassuring it will be to have someone in my life? To have someone who likes me? Right now I feel like a hopelessly romantic. How do I make sense that I need to find someone else in order for me to be really happy?

[sad but wiser]

Hmmm... .maybe it just seems like you should make up for lost time.  After all, we are only here for so long.  There is nothing wrong with those feelings. Perfectly natural to want someone special to share life with.  It has to be the right fit though and I think people get more selective as they get older.  They think more before getting too entangled.  I have let some perfectly good possibilities go by for this reason.  It isn't rejecting, just not a fit. 

[Lifewriter16]

Try reading 'Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love' by Levine and Heller. They have an approach to attachment that is different to the usual codependency-based teaching. It's less shaming, in my opinion. LW x

[hope2727]

I can speak only from my own experience but when I was/am happy myself I attract and am attracted to much healthier happier people. I also don't take the rejection hard anymore. Call me or don't, like me or don't whatever... .I like me. So I'm going to be ok. It took a long time to get here and now I kind of can't even be bothered dating much. I get matches on a dating site and look at the profile and go "nope" no thank you. I don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole anymore. Nothing wrong in singledom. It has its own strengths and advantages. So yes happy in ourselves is a pretty powerful place to be.

[C.Stein]

Rationally it is ridiculous to depend so much of my happiness on another person. But just how reassuring it will be to have someone in my life? To have someone who likes me? Right now I feel like a hopelessly romantic. How do I make sense that I need to find someone else in order for me to be really happy?

HL,

My thoughts for what they are worth.

You should get a handle on these questions you are asking because where you are right now is a place where you are vulnerable with respect to getting involved with another borderline.

[Panda39]

I agree with C.Stein and I will say that expecting a "healthy person" to fulfill those needs can be off putting... .comes across as kind of desperate.  Someone healthy going into a relationship is not going to want to be responsible for your happiness, that really is your own job. 

What are your friendships like?  Do you have many friends? A few close friends? Are the friendships close?  I ask because I hear loneliness in your post.  Maybe instead of focusing on a romantic relationship (putting all of your eggs in one basket so to speak)  just focus on developing some new fulfilling friendships or create closer relationships with the friends already in your life.  Start there create that intimacy that you are looking for in those relationships so that hopefully your loneliness will ease and you can find happiness, fulfillment, and intimacy in other aspects of your life.  Then you can be a better partner to someone else.

So coming full circle yes I do think you have to have your own happiness or fulfillment before you look for someone else, otherwise you demand to much of the other person emotionally and make them responsible for your happiness.

Take Care,
Panda39

[half-life]

Call me or don't, like me or don't whatever... .I like me. So I'm going to be ok. It took a long time to get here and now I kind of can't even be bothered dating much. I get matches on a dating site and look at the profile and go "nope" no thank you. ... .Nothing wrong in singledom.

I still believe being happy couple is better than single. But thank you, this is a very good reference. I can contrast my state with your state and get a sense of where I am.

Someone healthy going into a relationship is not going to want to be responsible for your happiness, that really is your own job. 

I don't think it is really about looking for a person to be responsible for my happiness. I just wish for a secure relationship who shows some care for me. I can make myself happy quite easily.

What are your friendships like?  Do you have many friends? A few close friends? Are the friendships close?  I ask because I hear loneliness in your post.  Maybe instead of focusing on a romantic relationship (putting all of your eggs in one basket so to speak)  just focus on developing some new fulfilling friendships or create closer relationships with the friends already in your life.

Haha, a romantic prospect just told me I would make a great friend . Does that count?

Loneliness? Very. My social circle is not very strong. I am working on this. But the biggest issue is rather my need for emotional connection has jumped and gone really out of balance.

[half-life]

I am compiling an action list. I post it out here to make myself follow through

1. Temporary disable all online dating accounts within a week. It is consuming too much of my attention and making me unhappy. Ladies, last chance to reach me!

2. Plan for 5 solo activities. Include my bucket list items like whale watching. Send a lot pictures to facebook and make them envious (look, it was me on this awesome boat!)

3. Meet up with 5 friends for lunch or dinner.

4. Re-enroll in my Spanish and/or writing class. It has been a long while since I last worked on Spanish. I think I will do well.

5. Focus and make 150% effort at work. This is not fun but critical. I still don't have a handle on how to get the mojo back.

[C.Stein]

HL, that is a good list and set of goals.  I think your "mojo" will come back once you are comfortable being with yourself and confident in that comfort.

[earlgrey]

Hi half-life I get what you say, and have a similar take on things.

I can make myself happy quite easily.

I'm with you on this. I do not sit around moping thinking 'if only someone was here to cheer me up, and make me happy. I am good alone cycling, gardening,cooking,reading, reading internet help sites  , rebuilding classic 70s motor cycles (450 desmo if you are interested) the list goes on. BUT all these things do not engage emotionally - at least not to me.

Its simple I would like a love interest/SO, and I fail to manage to create that alone.

Now because we have ended up here, our problem is/was we just are not particularly good at spotting toxic, the famous   but I'll bet we (me and half-life) are a hell of a lot better than we were last time.

So in reply to the question

"You should be happy with yourself before you look for someone else"

I would say just let's be aware (of  ). We could easily fall into a perfectionist type scenario... .have I done enough work, is my codependecy (if applicable) fully sorted, am I really ready... .and be simply fearful of getting it wrong again, which could provoke analysis paralysis.

I guess each of us will approach the future in our own way. Maybe the more we have suffered the more cautious will be our approach. The fresher the wounds, likewise. But if we want to get out there, knowing what we know now, why not?

And if things do go pearshape, well we can just blame the pwBPD create a new username  and come back  .

( I know many posters here (myself included) are going through tough times. Pls then excuse my lighthearted take if it offends - it is not intended to mock any of our situations)

[Lucky Jim]

I can speak only from my own experience but when I was/am happy myself I attract and am attracted to much healthier happier people. I also don't take the rejection hard anymore. Call me or don't, like me or don't whatever... .I like me. So I'm going to be ok. It took a long time to get here and now I kind of can't even be bothered dating much. I get matches on a dating site and look at the profile and go "nope" no thank you. I don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole anymore. Nothing wrong in singledom. It has its own strengths and advantages. So yes happy in ourselves is a pretty powerful place to be.

Like what you're saying, hope2727.  I think it boils down to being oneself and striving for authenticity.  For many years, I pretended that things were OK in my marriage to a pwBPD when in reality I was miserable, yet couldn't admit it to myself.  No more.  Now I try to be honest with myself and let it all hang out.  You're right:

happy in ourselves is a pretty powerful place to be.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

So in reply to the question

"You should be happy with yourself before you look for someone else"

I would say just let's be aware (of  ). We could easily fall into a perfectionist type scenario... .have I done enough work, is my codependecy (if applicable) fully sorted, am I really ready... .and be simply fearful of getting it wrong again, which could provoke analysis paralysis.

There are (at least) two directions to fall away from a healthy response here.

One is to look for another person to complete you, heal you, and save you from yourself, and I believe that is what this statement is normally trying to caution against.

Another is to require yourself to be perfect before reaching out to other people. Doesn't seem healthy either.

We all have our own style, and know which direction we are more likely to err on... .Brings to mind a song that has the line "You have to make your own mistakes, you can put your heart on a shelf or let it break" ... .and I also think it is natural to catch yourself doing one, and make a correction, aiming for the center, and overshoot a bit, hopefully getting a bit closer to the center each time.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi halflife
I read your post with a sense very similar to your own. I think it's natural to want another partner - after all you married your BPD person for more than just compulsion didn't you? You wanted love and companionship and sharing - all natural desires of human beings everywhere. it just happened that you had other issues as did your expartner which were not the healthy core of a mutually loving giving relationship.

Having done so much work to improve yourself and your options I think it is no surprise that you have loneliness now that you didn't experience before. I actually think that is a good thing as it means your energies aren't all tied up in trying to survive and fix the r'ship you were in previously or in fixng yourself up perfectly. it's a work in progress isn't it?

I have, like you also found that the things that appealed to and fulfilled me so much before are simply not enough to allay all my feelings of wanting more than this out of life.
They are an adjunct to rather than a central aspect of life. I think it all points towards you being healthier and happier than you were and more in the same 'normal' zone as the rest of the human race!
It gives me hope and encouragement that there are people out there who have survived and moved forward to the point where they are willing to try again.
Maybe I wil even find one of them myself when i am finally fully free of the r'ship I'm unwinding.

Congratulations and thank you for your post.

Peace
Ziggiddy

[half-life]

Thank you Ziggiddy. Yes, looking at it this way it is some progress indeed.

Right now I am resetting myself. I accept that I am single and will remain so for the foreseeable future. I try not to strive too hard and see where life will lead me.

[Lucky Jim]

It gives me hope and encouragement that there are people out there who have survived and moved forward to the point where they are willing to try again.

Hey Zigg, Yup, it's possible, as I can attest.  Keep up your hope!  LuckyJim