Well, I finally ran into her. Not handling it well.

[sweet tooth]

Ran into my likely BPD ex last night. I wento a MeetUp event that a friend asked me to come to. I saw that she RSVPed with a "+1." I thought I could handle it. I thought I would see her and laugh it off. She's gained about 60 lbs since the time she coldly told me not to contact to her again.

They came in holding hands (I think this was by design). She downgraded. He was obese and looked really goofy. They barely stayed with the group. They were probably there for 5 minutes. She glanced over at me a few times. Then they disappeared, not to be seen for the rest of the evening. I'm curiously if she vilified me to this guy. She vilified her ex-husband to me regularly and also vilified another guy she dated before me. The idea that she could do that to me hurts.

I'm not gonna lie. It hurt. It hurt to see her with another dude, especially one who (on the surface) appeared inferior to me. It hurt that she thinks so little of me that she ran off without the rest of the group to avoid me. It hurt that they came in holding hands. She was very reluctant to do stuff like that with me in public. It felt like she was rubbing it in my face (and probably was knowing who she is). It hurts that we can't even have a friendly relationship. I think about her every day and I miss our friendship. I never cared about somebody as much as I cared for her... .and now she treats me like a lepper. 

Lastly, it hurts that I'm such a codependent fool that I'm letting this affect me. My new friend who asked me to come seems like she might be interested in me. She's superior to the BPD in all ways: She's prettier, she's stable, she has a better job, she has a better family, she treats me nicely, she is religious and has good morals, she is friendly and interacts well with other people, she's generous, never married/divorced and no kids. I couldn't completely enjoy her company because I have this hanging over my head. I think deep down I'm terrified she will eventually betray me, too.

I woke up in the middle of the night having a horrible anxiety attack, the kind that makes you want to go to the hospital: cold sweats, tremors, and your chest feels like it's on fire.

Logically, I know the BPD is a morbidly obese psycho who will continue a pattern of unstable relationships for the rest of her life and isn't worth my time. Emotionally, I greatly miss my relationship with her. This is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and the wounds are affected my future interactions with new people.

[sweet tooth]

I think the hand-holding thing was to provoke a reaction out of me, possibly to triangulate.

[C.Stein]

I think the hand-holding thing was to provoke a reaction out of me, possibly to triangulate.

I understand the hurt ST, I would be hurt as well.

Why do you think this?  Perhaps you are reading too much into this whole thing?

What triangle fits here?

[Reforming]

Hi Sweet tooth,

Sorry that things are tough right now.

Ran into my likely BPD ex last night. I wento a MeetUp event that a friend asked me to come to. I saw that she RSVPed with a "+1." I thought I could handle it. I thought I would see her and laugh it off. She's gained about 60 lbs since the time she coldly told me not to contact to her again.

First of all well done for getting out and socialising. I know this can be a challenge when we're feeling low and it took guts. I also realise how painful it is seeing your your ex after everything you've been through but perhaps at some level you felt you needed to do this. What do you think?

They came in holding hands (I think this was by design). She downgraded. He was obese and looked really goofy. They barely stayed with the group. They were probably there for 5 minutes. She glanced over at me a few times. Then they disappeared, not to be seen for the rest of the evening. I'm curiously if she vilified me to this guy. She vilified her ex-husband to me regularly and also vilified another guy she dated before me. The idea that she could do that to me hurts.

Would you feel any better if he was better looking and more successful? At the end of the day this is about her isn't it? Borderlines attach to survive. She could be vilifying you but does that really matter now?

I'm not gonna lie. It hurt. It hurt to see her with another dude, especially one who (on the surface) appeared inferior to me. It hurt that she thinks so little of me that she ran off without the rest of the group to avoid me. It hurt that they came in holding hands. She was very reluctant to do stuff like that with me in public. It felt like she was rubbing it in my face (and probably was knowing who she is). It hurts that we can't even have a friendly relationship. I think about her every day and I miss our friendship. I never cared about somebody as much as I cared for her... .and now she treats me like a lepper.

Nothing wrong with grieving. In fact it's very necessary. I think she's avoiding any contact with you because it triggers shame. BPD is a shame driven disorder

Lastly, it hurts that I'm such a codependent fool that I'm letting this affect me. My new friend who asked me to come seems like she might be interested in me. She's superior to the BPD in all ways: She's prettier, she's stable, she has a better job, she has a better family, she treats me nicely, she is religious and has good morals, she is friendly and interacts well with other people, she's generous, never married/divorced and no kids. I couldn't completely enjoy her company because I have this hanging over my head. I think deep down I'm terrified she will eventually betray me, too.

I think you're being very hard on yourself. Grieving the loss of a relationship is healthy and necessary. Self flagellation is not. Feeling anxiety about getting hurt if you allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person is also completely natural and appropriate. You need time and space to grieve and process what happened before you enter another relationship. Sounds pretty wise to me.

I woke up in the middle of the night having a horrible anxiety attack, the kind that makes you want to go to the hospital: cold sweats, tremors, and your chest feels like it's on fire.

I've been there and it's horrible but your mind and body working to process the pain you're feeling. Accepting that it's normal and that in time it will pass will help to diminish it. I also found therapy, exercise, journalling and mindfulness very helpful

Logically, I know the BPD is a morbidly obese psycho who will continue a pattern of unstable relationships for the rest of her life and isn't worth my time. Emotionally, I greatly miss my relationship with her. This is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and the wounds are affected my future interactions with new people.

Emotional acceptance takes time. You can't rush it. I know this is hard but try to be present with your feelings and accept them. They will pass and your world will get brighter again

Good luck

Reforming

[vince_ten_ninety]

I can complete relate to you... .Except for the fact I have to live this every damn day, being my (probably) BPD ex SO living in my same dormitory, same floor, few rooms away. The new prey (a guy who I believed a friend, btw) is living in front of me, so I even hear her knocking at his door multiple times at day, making things even worse.
 
It sucks. Hold on. There is nothing you can do about it, if not to go for healthier people (which means nothing, I know, but it's the only truth in this case), focus on your life, and recognizing your role in this process of abandonment and replacement depends much less on you than you and I can perceive.

In my case, months ago, this girl was dating another guy when I came into play. He did not mistake anything, to her eyes he was the best possible boyfriend. Yet, since they had a long distance relationship, she started to attach to me, being here and available 24/7.

It took 35 days for her to get to know me deeply, develop romantic interest, sleep with me, and 50 to say "I love you", and drop him out of the blue.

With the same trend, it took roughly a month for her to drop me off from her life, no chances to talk about it or solve what the f*ck they think you have undeniably made wrong.

They choose to drop you off at a certain point. They become extremely sensitive on anything you say and do, and when you make a mistake (because no one of us is perfect... soon or later the huge pressure on any action of yours make you "fail" anyhow), that's the shot that kills any romance for them. No forgiveness.
Even if you passed over several no-sense episodes that deeply hurt you over time... multiple times. No mercy.  You can't be right, or accepted for what you are on the long run.

Just, be sure the new one won't have a better future than the one they reserved you. It may take longer time, or shorter, but they live in this way, and things will get complex anyway.

Because eventually, it's only about themselves. Love and relationships require mutual efforts, dialogue, respect, patience and forgiveness. They are unable to provide none.

My ex glances down too when I look at her and him walking together. She cannot withstand eye contact. Maybe it's just a coincidence. I'll figure it out with time.

In any other occasion, she appears almost normal. Aside from the fact she vilifies me openly when we're in group, and I have to defend myself and go NC to keep the drama down.

Be strong. The fact you're still attached emotionally to your SO is perfectly human (at least, I like to think I'm still a functioning human being, and so you are). It shows that you're able to feel love and care to another human being in a pure way. You don't need someone that doesn't care about your needs and difficult moments in your life. You can't be an emotional nurse forever.

Be happy their true nature appeared before it was too late. Even though I know this awareness is irrelevant at the moment.

Let's fight together this moment 

Vince

[Kelli Cornett]

What do you miss?

[sweet tooth]

Thank you everyone for your support.

C. Stein: I think that because she has involved me in triangles in the past with four separate men (not including this person). Two of them were past relationships she vilified.  Two were potential suitors used to make me feel badly. I'm probably now another guy who mistreated and abused her in her mind.  She probably said so to this new guy and was the reason they didn't stay with the group.  Ex: "I don't want to stay here.  He's making me feel uncomfortable because he did X, Y, and Z (distortions). I might be reading too far into it, but knowing her history I highly doubt it. 

Reforming: Thank you for your insights.  I was actually recovering quite nicely, but seeing her put me back to day 1. The discard went down back in February/March. I've socialized a LOT since then.

I actually would feel better if the guy was better looking and more successful than I am.  At least I could say to myself, "Well, I can see why she would choose somebody like that over me."  With the fat, disgusting, slob my reasoning is more "she's more attracted to that than she is to me?" I suppose I'm trying to apply logic to an irrational person.  She wouldn't get physical with me. We only held hands a few times.  I see her holding hands with this goofy degenerate and it makes me feel sick: Why? Why does she act this way? Why did she drop me like a sack of dirt for some obese clown?

It's been about 8 or 9 months, my ex gained about 40-50 lbs since the day I met her (and she had a little flab to begin with), and I realize that she is a horrible person worth my time.  I thought I would be over this by now.  Logically, it would make sense for me to be over it, but emotionally I'm not.  I probably am being too hard on myself.  I am hard on myself often. 

Vince: I'm sorry that you're gone through something similar to the situation I've gone through.  They sound pretty similar, other than the sex part.  My ex was very reserved. She freaked out any time I tried to get too close to her.  She cut me off without remorse, too.  We went a wonderful Valentine's Day weekend date at an off Broadway play.  Two days later she came up with ridiculous reasons to be mad at me and broke it off.  Just like that.  Her explanation was, "there's no spark."  Keep in mind we were spending time together for close to a year.  That excuse just doesn't work after that amount of time.  I can see after a few dates, but after that amount of time it's complete nonsense. 

Let It Be: Here's what I miss:
-Her smile
-Her laugh
-We got along famously.  We never really fought.
-She was supportive of me when she wasn't dysregulating.
-She was kind when she wasn't dysregulating.
-She made me feel really good.
-She was fun to be around
-She was funny and had a good sense of humor
-She was adventurous
-We texted every day (other than the Silent Treatment).  I miss having somebody who looked out for me and be close with that way.  I miss her companionship, really.  I wish we could still be friends, but that's not an option because she cut me off. 

What it boils down to is this: she was great if you take away the BPD symptoms.  She was everything I ever looked for in a woman.  If it weren't for the BPD symptoms, we could have been quite happy together.  I need to accept that the whole package includes the BPD symptoms, she won't ever change, and I'll never have any sort of relationship with her ever again. 

[vince_ten_ninety]

Vince: I'm sorry that you're gone through something similar to the situation I've gone through.  They sound pretty similar, other than the sex part.  My ex was very reserved. She freaked out any time I tried to get too close to her.  She cut me off without remorse, too.  We went a wonderful Valentine's Day weekend date at an off Broadway play.  Two days later she came up with ridiculous reasons to be mad at me and broke it off.  Just like that.  Her explanation was, "there's no spark."  Keep in mind we were spending time together for close to a year.  That excuse just doesn't work after that amount of time.  I can see after a few dates, but after that amount of time it's complete nonsense.  

Let It Be: Here's what I miss:
-Her smile
-Her laugh
-We got along famously.  We never really fought.
-She was supportive of me when she wasn't dysregulating.
-She was kind when she wasn't dysregulating.
-She made me feel really good.
-She was fun to be around
-She was funny and had a good sense of humor
-She was adventurous
-We texted every day (other than the Silent Treatment).  I miss having somebody who looked out for me and be close with that way.  I miss her companionship, really.  I wish we could still be friends, but that's not an option because she cut me off.  

What it boils down to is this: she was great if you take away the BPD symptoms.  She was everything I ever looked for in a woman.  If it weren't for the BPD symptoms, we could have been quite happy together.  I need to accept that the whole package includes the BPD symptoms, she won't ever change, and I'll never have any sort of relationship with her ever again.  

This basically sums up the entire situation. Such people would be the one of a lifetime without these symptoms. But the full package makes them impossible to deal with in the long run. I totally relate to your words, 100%.
My ex told me she was damnly in love and so graceful to have met me, and 48 hours later I hear her saying "I wish I could be in love with someone... .maybe, if you put your efforts, that could be you."
The only difference between you and me is that my relationship was far shorter. Even though relationships in a dormitory are usually accelerated w.r.t. the canonical ones, I'd say that three months are quite not enough to develop solid emotional bonds.

[sweet tooth]

Vince, that's the same inconsistent nonsense I had to put up with: One minute we were friends, the next we were more than friends, the next we were friends but couldn't be more than that because of some BS she created in her mind, the next we were nothing. She'd tell me, "we can't chat every day." I'd give her space for a day or two and then she'd text me... .every day. This pattern continued until we were finally nothing for good. I'm convinced she will eventually reengage me for a few reasons:
1. We move in the same circle. This gives her opportunity.
2. Nothing is permanent with her. She told me she tried to include her ex-husband in family activities "for the sake of the children." Mind you, this was after she filed a temporary restraining order against this man. If she's willing to reengage him, what's going to stop her from reengaging me?

[vince_ten_ninety]

Vince, that's the same inconsistent nonsense I had to put up with: One minute we were friends, the next we were more than friends, the next we were friends but couldn't be more than that because of some BS she created in her mind, the next we were nothing. She'd tell me, "we can't chat every day." I'd give her space for a day or two and then she'd text me... .every day. This pattern continued until we were finally nothing for good. I'm convinced she will eventually reengage me for a few reasons:
1. We move in the same circle. This gives her opportunity.
2. Nothing is permanent with her. She told me she tried to include her ex-husband in family activities "for the sake of the children." Mind you, this was after she filed a temporary restraining order against this man. If she's willing to reengage him, what's going to stop her from reengaging me?

You're right, but I guess it depends on her perception of you. I mean, if she perceives that she has still power over you, I think it may be perfectly possible for a re-engagement for the sake of her own interests.

Just to further explain you my experience, as an example:

The last time I had a "decent" talk with my ex BPD, in July, she blew up, and forced me to admit that I was mentally ill, and when I didn't, she went NC for months. Came back at the dorm, we sort of re-engaged for some days, and she again tried to make me wash her dishes after dinner, one night.
Silly example, but since it wasn't my duty at all, I denied. After that, just acid responses and personal attacks towards me in the following days. Alongside this, her chats and talks with my replacement got more frequent, and I guess this trend will continue in the future.

I reacted going totally NC for ten days (mainly because it has been very hurtful for me seeing her spending time with the new prey), slightly restarting now to have very shallow and short conversations with her, if happens. This because it is very hard to go NC without appearing socially unpleasant in our common social group (we will share such dorm for almost a year).

At the same time, things with the new guy improve fast, and he's now available to do many of the things she asks for. She is calm, uninterested, and apparently not aggressive at my regards.

In my case, I don't think mine will ever come back, simply because my door will remain closed if she'll try to knock, or possible messages will remain unanswered if she writes me. I guess she has perceived it, and will go for this guy or someone else after him.

All of this just to say that as long as they can take or draw something from you, you can still be a possible target.
Of course she may just not be caring at all of any of this. I'm not a psychologist.

But the overall picture doesn't change. Borderline or just b___es, their deeds are hurtful in the same way.
 
I'm slowly healing, both because the absence of any attention from her side helps me focus more on my life and work, and because every day I repeat to myself  that I don't need anyone that can't provide me even just 72 hours of calmness, that kills any possible remotely wrong word or action that doesn't fit her twisted and extremely complicated set of beliefs, that lies to me for her sake, and thinks of me as a stupid do*che that can't and will never match her infinitely high IQ. That's it.

Even dying alone is better than this, if you think about it.

I hope you and I will be strong enough to reject any possible attempt of re-engagement.