Pros and Cons List

[Oncebitten]

The Four Pros & Cons Lists:

For her personality and character
Pros: Smart, strong, quick witted, funny, loving, caring, honest.
Cons: Demanding, overbearing, inconsiderate when things don't suit her. 

For what she contributes to the relationship
She is the passion and fire in the relationship, she provides the spark.

For your personality and character
Pros: Smart, strong, quick witted, funny, loving, caring, loyal to a fault.
Cons: Needy (at least in this r/s), inflexible, fearful (of losing her)


For what you contribute to the relationship
I am the calm and the cool.  The one that brings peace and stability to the r/s.

we have these counter balancing traits.  and most of the time it keeps thing both exciting and smooth.  But its a bit like a tight rope, when one of us gets to far out of balance the other can't balance it out and we both fall.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

A good start.  The lists I wrote for myself and her had about 20-40 items for each pro and con with a little more detail ... .dig deeeeeep!

Also, when doing the relationship list, address things that speak specifically on two issues.

1) A healthy relationship
2) What each of you expect and can provide

For all lists be sure the things you include on the pros list are consistent and reliable.  If they are not, you need to make note of that.  It does you no good to sugar coat reality.

[Oncebitten]

If you have to take away traits because they arent consistent.  Then she isnt loving or caring.  She is only those things when its good.  When she is in dysregulation she isnt caring or loving.  my feelings dont matter

[C.Stein]

Use percentage of time.  Note ... .it is possible to have contrasting qualities as both pro and con.  For example a pro might be caring ... .40% of the time.  A contrasting con would be uncaring - 60% of the time

[sweet tooth]

I agree with C. Stein.  The time factor is huge.  My ex had the capability to be kind, considerate, etc.  However, she was very inconsistent with those qualities.  The discard was the antithesis of that.  It was purely cold and heartless. 

[Oncebitten]

I agree, she can be absolutely everything a man could want one minute and then none of it the next.  I guess thats where I get caught, I know how wonderful she can be.  And I dont expect it all the time but there is no gray area, she is either the best or the worst.  And the switch flips so fast it makes my head spin

[C.Stein]

OB,

There are certain things that IMO should be at or near 100% all of the time.  A couple of these are treating you (and you her) with respect, love, caring, honesty and trust.  There are the foundation of a healthy relationship.

My ex embodied all these characteristics, and at times none of them.   I have come to understand these characteristics were a matter of convenience for her.  When any one, or all of them, got in the way of something she felt she needed those characteristics vaporized ... .and at my expense.

[Oncebitten]

CS

Yes that's the problem. When she is in that carring phase she is 150% those things.  But when she isn't in that phase she isnt any of them

[C.Stein]

OB,

As you work on this list try your best to be an objective and impartial observer of her, yourself and your relationship.  In this way you can see it all for what it is, not what you want it to be.

[Oncebitten]

Being impartial with her has never been my strong suit.  To eager to look past every wrong and flaw to maintain the relationship.

[C.Stein]

To eager to look past every wrong and flaw to maintain the relationship.

This is something you need to work on for your own personal growth.  Would you agree?

[Oncebitten]

No doubt, part of the problem with the r/s has been poor boundaries on my part.

[C.Stein]

No doubt, part of the problem with the r/s has been poor boundaries on my part.

Perhaps that should be your next list once you finish these?

[Oncebitten]

A boundary list?

[C.Stein]

A boundary list?

Yes ... .what are your boundaries, which ones are flexible and which ones are not.  Which ones have been violated and reasons why you allowed it to happen and what you can do to prevent it in the future (not with regard to her).

But that is your next assignment ... .one assignment at a time.   

[Oncebitten]

Well seeing as she has moved on already.  There is no good to find in the relationship. So do I need to continue the list.

[patientandclear]

She's implying that to you now. But she made sure you saw it, per your other thread, so who knows what is true and what is an implication to make her feel better, and what is put out there for its effect on you.

Regardless, this too is part of YOUR cycle. You get hurt and disgusted and say you have to be done and detach because she obviously doesn't care. Then she reaches out to you and says she does in fact care, and your prior feelings that it is done all get washed away. Then you're all in.

You might consider stitching lenses. My sense is that when she treats you poorly, you process that as negative r/ship information because she doesn't care for you (i.e., as an indicator of her feelings). Thus, subject to be forgotten/resolved when she says her feelings for you are positive.

What if you processed the implications of her poor behavior toward you (e.g., current posts re her ex) as negative for your r/ship because they harm you? That should be harder to just wash away when she assures you HER feelings are now positive. Perhaps this behavior should affect YOUR feelings for her.

[Oncebitten]

Patient,

No she flat out told me she was going back to him.  I have been replaced, always knew if I was it would be him.  She has always kept him around, even when she said she wouldn't. 

But you are right she tells me she loves me and its all better.  Yes all of it harms me always has.  Im tired, so tired of it all.  Despite how much it hurts to know she is with him. It helps me because I feel like she isnt available now.

[Oncebitten]

I am exhausted by everything that was bad about the relationship being mu fault and everything that was good was because of her doing.  I sit and think about the things she said to me, how I am delusional, and I am crazy and I never loved her because  I am incapable of love.  Project much?  Geesh I refuse to take the abuse anymore.  To be told that I am forgiven and then have it thrown in my fave at every turn.   Thats not forgiving someone.

[patientandclear]

I am exhausted by everything that was bad about the relationship being mu fault and everything that was good was because of her doing.  I sit and think about the things she said to me, how I am delusional, and I am crazy and I never loved her because  I am incapable of love.  Project much?  Geesh I refuse to take the abuse anymore.  To be told that I am forgiven and then have it thrown in my fave at every turn.   Thats not forgiving someone.

It may do you good to keep going in this vein for some time. (Realizing that she hurts and mistreats you and not rationalizing it away.)

Her report about her ex must have felt brutal. Please bear in mind the crappy position he is now in--you were her first choice but hurt her too much etc.  It's all so messed up.

Agree with you that however long she maintains this posture that she is "with" her ex may oddly create some safe space for you to suspend the project of "making it work" with her, and allow you delve into other questions. I know how tough this passage is; suggest you fill it with plans and things that are not her to the extent you possibly can. You won't feel like it at first but that is the road to a better place.

This woman will be back. Not saying that is a good thing. She gets a ton out of you loving her, and the ex will be no permanent solution to her feelings. (Nor will you.)

[Oncebitten]

Patient

Thank you again.  I will be honest at first when she told me she was going back and that she was going to see him today i was angry with her naturally but also with him.  But as I thought about it, I should thank him.  Emotionally I feel like he took her from me.  But logically hes saving me from her.  I don't know if others think this way but for me she is with him and unavailable.  It has always been when we broke up and she was single that I saw hope.  Right now I hold no hope of getting back together.  It still hurts, but I  guess the way it is now lets me just see it as over and not a possibility.

[C.Stein]

Well seeing as she has moved on already.  There is no good to find in the relationship. So do I need to continue the list.

I would recommend it OB, not only to help with detaching but also so you can get a better handle on what you want from a relationship, what your expectations are from a potential partner and yourself, and what areas you might want to work on.