A reminder: The Replacement probably isn't getting it any better

[Infern0]

Have seen a few threads saying recently how their BPD ex is treating the replacement so much better.

Well I thought the same, when my BPD ex got together with my replacement she was posting up pictures of them together on a romantic holiday, she seemed to be making a real effort to get to know his friends and family etc.  A lot of stuff that she never did with me.

After 3 months she posted a picture of her hand with the engagement ring he had bought her.

Less than a year later he was dead via suicide.

She cheated on him with his own friends, convinced his friends and family he was unstable and abusive, bled him dry of his savings and brutally discarded him.

Never belive the replacement is getting it better than you.

[Fr4nz]

So true, Inferno.

Even in my case, she replaced me 1 month after the breakup, and the relationship with my replacement lasted slightly more than one year; during this time, my ex cheated on him multiple times and, from the little news I have, their r/s was very, very rocky.

1 year after the breakup, I also wrote to the guy with whom she had the longest relationship (3 years) some years ago. The guy basically confirmed me that, like in my case, the relationship was filled with useless and unbelievable fights, drama, etc.
He even went as far as saying that he had to breakup with her for "survival reasons"... .!

So, in general it's absolutely true that BPD sufferers repeat the same dysfunctional thoughts/behaviours across all the relationships.

[JerryRG]

This is true in my case as well, one of my in laws live just across the street from my exgf, her and her bf fight all the time. Chase each other around, yelling like children, same old behaviours as with me, the difference is, I left.

[Herodias]

I Don't know... .In my head I know you are right... .but my exes girlfriend is still lovebombing and making it seem like their lives are so great, all over Facebook. I suppose part of it is because she is not divorced yet from her husband and she has to prove that running off with my husband and having a baby is the best thing that ever happened to her. Now that she has convinced him to move to her hometown in the mountains with a population of 2500, living near her family that  he described as hating him. I wonder how much longer this could go? They have a baby now, so I am sure it makes a difference. I really wonder how someone who gets bored so easily is gong to handle living somewhere so rural. If he is caught cheating, I would think everyone in town would know... .I think he was convinced by her that life would be so wonderful living in a town where the cost of living is so low. She bragged all about finding day care for the baby in one day after they moved, yet her friend is a day care provider. Sounds easy to me... .yet why do they need day care when they don't have jobs? That saying, "He who protests too much"... .rings in my head. She is still bragging after almost 2 years together... .(Jan. is when they started dating, I believe- for the second time-she was recycled) All I know is that he wanted me to go stay in a log cabin once because he wanted to tie me up to torture me, so no one would hear me... .seriously- he told me that. I think she just got herself in a very dangerous situation. She is not afraid of guns and knives... .he probably has convinced her that they should have them so they can do target practice on a big piece of property. He used to scare me with guns and knives all the time... Her father has bows and arrows, knives and guns for deer hunting. He used to send me pictures of the deer he would see when he would pretend to go deer hunting with his friends. He told me he didn't have the nerve to kill anything. He would go out and go in a different direction than the other hunters. Of course who knows what is really true.   But, it is beyond me how a city person as he grew up, can be comfortable in this situation. As I see it, something terrible is going to happen and it's tragic. In a rural place where he will be drunk and bored and she will not be able to get help quickly, sounds very scary to me. She is about to have a worse time... .unless he has changed... . hmmm... .

[Fr4nz]

Herodias, most of the times they show a facade to cover the perpetual turmoil in their lives and minds... .don't believe everything you see.

[Herodias]

Thanks Fr4nz,  it's interesting how the gf is the one doing all of it isn't it? It's like they are both pwBPD... ?

[Infern0]

Herodias, most of the times they show a facade to cover the perpetual turmoil in their lives and minds... .don't believe everything you see.

One time mine came over to my house (we were broken up at the time) and was crying her eyes out because her boyfriend had "yelled and been abusive to her."

Normally i wouldnt belive this, but she was actually physically shaking, all colour had drained from her and she was crying her eyes out and looked terrified. I've honestly never seen her in such a bad state so something must have happened.

After a little while she got a tissue, touched her makeup up and took a selfie with a huge smile, slammed on some filters and put it straight on Instagram with a caption "life is awesome"

Point being: never belive the public image

[duncsvoice]

So true.

I inexplicably became close with my replacements ex recently, and subsequently I've heard  through her friends all about the way he is being treated by my ex, the viciousness, the threats to cheat on him with me (Ha! good luck with that one!). For the longest time I imagined their life as being everything I wanted with her, now I realise she isn't capable of that with anyone.

[Herodias]

"After a little while she got a tissue, touched her makeup up and took a selfie with a huge smile, slammed on some filters and put it straight on Instagram with a caption "life is awesome"


Interesting... .I see those filters used allot.  I think they are usually used when people aren't comfortable with how they look... .self esteem issues as well as hiding the truth. Makes sense.

[once removed]

this is something i struggled with, something im sure many of us struggle with, coming out of a confusing and hurtful, often traumatic relationship.

in my experience, its a struggle i had to let go of in order to detach. its a false dichotomy.

the next relationship our partners have will be different than the one they had with us for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways. if our ex partners have long standing maladaptive coping mechanisms, relationship immaturity, etc (as do most of us), those are unlikely to evaporate over night. but the new partner is not us. they will respond differently. the dynamics will be different.

it is crucial to look at our own relationship and its unhealthy dynamics (our partners and ours) in order to learn and go on to have healthier relationships. what are we doing when we try to gleam how the new relationship is playing out?

1. comparing ourselves to someone who most of us have never met and a relationship we cant really observe
2. tying the outcomes of our exes to our own (my exes from high school are all married and im not. i dont attribute that as success for them or failure for me.)
3. avoiding examining not only our role in the dysfunction, but the pain we are feeling. its neither all them or all us. the real freedom comes from discovering what is in our power to change, in order to go on to have healthier relationships.

for all of us on this board, our relationships have ended. some of us are naturally struggling to come to terms with that, and the comparisons and ruminations are, in a lot of ways, a form of avoiding doing so. both parties (us and our exes) will go on to have new relationships, some more successful, some less. both parties will feel the pain of detachment lessen over time.

i think its more productive to focus on us. what have we learned. what kinds of partners will we look for in the future? what will we bring to the relationship (growth, better skills/tools, or will we carry over the same immaturity?). that is what is within our power to affect now.

[Indifferent28]

It is sort of weird because it seems my ex treats her replacement better than the replacement treats her.
However, my ex treated me very good when we dated.

So... .

[Herodias]

I'm detached and focused on me. I'm just fascinated on people with BPDs behavior and how they act and go through life. I most certainly do not compare myself with someone so different than me! I just find what they do next really strange... .I think it's interesting to hear the stories.  I'm glad it's not with me... .

[once removed]

I'm just fascinated on people with BPDs behavior and how they act and go through life

... .

 I just find what they do next really strange... .I think it's interesting to hear the stories.  I'm glad it's not with me... .

as a psychology fan, i can relate. at a certain point "keeping our eyes on the trainwreck" so to speak doesnt enrich our lives, but the opposite. 

[bunny4523]

I think the short and sweet to this topic is... .It doesn't matter if our ex mistreats their new partner or not.  Our ex's mistreated us. PERIOD and we want more for ourselves and our relationship. 

I understand where everyone is coming from, I have a need to have it come out that it wasn't me or my fault but the thing is I KNOW it wasn't me and that should be enough.  I still have an incling to want to know when my ex's new relationship falls apart but when I find myself thinking about it, I say, "Self, stop it.  It doesn't matter.  His happiness doesn't make you any less happy nor will his misery make you any more happy. Now move along... .be happy and enjoy your own life."

Bunny

[Bushido]

Have seen a few threads saying recently how their BPD ex is treating the replacement so much better.
Well I thought the same, when my BPD ex got together with my replacement she was posting up pictures of them together on a romantic holiday, she seemed to be making a real effort to get to know his friends and family etc.  A lot of stuff that she never did with me.
After 3 months she posted a picture of her hand with the engagement ring he had bought her.
Less than a year later he was dead via suicide.
She cheated on him with his own friends, convinced his friends and family he was unstable and abusive, bled him dry of his savings and brutally discarded him.
Never belive the replacement is getting it better than you.

wow... i... i... have no words

[Bushido]

Interesting... .I see those filters used allot.  I think they are usually used when people aren't comfortable with how they look... .self esteem issues as well as hiding the truth. Makes sense.

and make up... .the things my ex can change with alot of time with her makeup tools...

[Bushido]

I think the short and sweet to this topic is... .It doesn't matter if our ex mistreats their new partner or not.  Our ex's mistreated us. PERIOD and we want more for ourselves and our relationship. 

I understand where everyone is coming from, I have a need to have it come out that it wasn't me or my fault but the thing is I KNOW it wasn't me and that should be enough.  I still have an incling to want to know when my ex's new relationship falls apart but when I find myself thinking about it, I say, "Self, stop it.  It doesn't matter.  His happiness doesn't make you any less happy nor will his misery make you any more happy. Now move along... .be happy and enjoy your own life."
Bunny

thank you for these words... .
truely...

[Kelli Cornett]

That's a pretty extreme case.

Everyone's experiences is different.

[kc sunshine]

For me, I know my lifestyle was hard on my BPDex (lots of work travel, two kids with an ex-partner) and I kind of think (and in my best moments, hope) that my ex's new partner (who doesn't have any kids and doesn't travel for work) will provide my ex with the stability and security that will be better and less-triggering for her. On the other hand, perhaps that very stability will be triggering.

 

[bunny4523]

For me, I know my lifestyle was hard on my BPDex (lots of work travel, two kids with an ex-partner) and I kind of think (and in my best moments, hope) that my ex's new partner (who doesn't have any kids and doesn't travel for work) will provide my ex with the stability and security that will be better and less-triggering for her. On the other hand, perhaps that very stability will be triggering.

 

You hush... . you know you can't blame your lifestyle.  The problem is with the pwBPD's reaction to an unpercieved fear of abandonment.  So even if the lifestyle were different, the BPD partner would most likely still perceive abandonment somehow... .

I didn't travel and had one 16 year old son.  We worked together and he saw me every day.  :)idn't matter... .same thing that happened to you still happened to me.

I do everythihng the same in my new relationship I did with my ex BPD and guess what? I don't have those same issues or reactions.

It's their issue, not ours... .
Bunny

[kc sunshine]

Thanks bunny4523 for reminding me about that! Funny how I/we still blame myself/ourselves (even if it is for something very neutral like "lifestyle, not all the other false stuff that the BPD ex loaded on me).

For me, I know my lifestyle was hard on my BPDex (lots of work travel, two kids with an ex-partner) and I kind of think (and in my best moments, hope) that my ex's new partner (who doesn't have any kids and doesn't travel for work) will provide my ex with the stability and security that will be better and less-triggering for her. On the other hand, perhaps that very stability will be triggering.

 

You hush... . you know you can't blame your lifestyle.  The problem is with the pwBPD's reaction to an unpercieved fear of abandonment.  So even if the lifestyle were different, the BPD partner would most likely still perceive abandonment somehow... .

I didn't travel and had one 16 year old son.  We worked together and he saw me every day.  :)idn't matter... .same thing that happened to you still happened to me.

I do everythihng the same in my new relationship I did with my ex BPD and guess what? I don't have those same issues or reactions.

It's their issue, not ours... .
Bunny

[hope2727]

I really appreciate this thread as mine looks over the moon with my replacement. Mind you he did with me too. But its still hard to convince my heart that it is the same thing all over again I am sure. I don't care nearly as much as I used to but some part of me still does. He is doing for her all the things he refused to do for/with me so its hard emotionally.

I know that I have to find peace and happiness from within but man its hard when I had it before his arrival and lost it in the tornado that was his emotions. Soldier on I guess.

[eprogeny]

In my case, I literally watched my BPDexgf treat my replacement in ways she never was able to treat me. And that hurt in a way I cannot even begin to describe, because despite knowing my ex does have BPD - it became clear she is clearly capable of better behavior, she simply chose never to show that to me.  Now, that said, I have also come to understand that this was almost certainly because she never needed to "campaign" for my love and attention whereas she had to for the replacement.  Even still, they've already broken up - and they only met for the first time about 6 weeks ago. 

Does the replacement get it better?  Yeah, maybe they do sometimes - but that doesn't mean it's better for them.  For them it's just as devastating as it was for us.

The real question is - why the heck did we allow ourselves to be treated so badly in the first place?

You know?

[JerryRG]

His loss hope2727

PwBPD search for something that isn't even possible, self fulfillment from someone else. They are doomed to fail each and every time. I was blessed enough to find out what I needed to do, this site saved me from myself, my denial, self delusion. Once I began to understand my exgf, lord knows I couldn't figure her out even talking to her every day, I knew what I had to do.

Everything I've learned has been proven true.

I am truly grateful I'm out of the realtionship.

For me it's easy to forget the horrors and dwell on the good times, both of them

My exgf is the same person she was the day we met

[Hopefulgirl]

I will probably never know if my pwBPD treats his girlfriend the same he treated me unless I hear from her mouth directly, which will never happen. She's let me know through of all things, Facebook, that everything is amazing and he never had feelings for me or wanted a future with anyone but her. He doesnt back that up but how am I supposed to trust someone who lies all the time?
He's basically let me know we can no longer be close friends anymore because he is (trying to be ) devoted to the woman.

I know for a fact he cheats on her with his ex girlfriend. He basically admitted it to me one day, without apology. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. In two different cities.

His girlfriend puts up with his mental illness because she knows if she confronts him on any lies or deception he will ghost away. Its almost like pwBPD end up forcing someone to become totally codependent.

[JerryRG]

Wow, Hopefulgirl

Do you think his relationship can last? Cheating already?

My exgf is lying to her bf, not a very good foundation for a relationship if you ask me.

She's already told me she's sick of him, he's abusive, controlling. But I've told her I would never take her back so when she tries to get my attention I shut her down.

In the past I would have gone and met her and rescued her from her bf but I know better now.

Real love? Respect? No

She's like a child who just needs attention and validation and there will always be a desperate fool with low self esteem and no pride to give her what she wants. Very sad