Exhausted, Lonely, but Relieved

[NCPianoMan]

Here's my story.

I am a single father, caucasian, mid-forties. I am fit, intelligent, attractive, and I have a great job and decent income. I have no debt, and I own a nice middle-class home. My children are 10 and 12, almost self-sufficient, and we are 'good' people. I have been single for several years now and have wanted to have a companion in my life.

Last year, I met an attractive single-mother from Korea who works as a waitress in local restaurant and has been a citizen in the US for about 15 years now. She was divorced 8+ years ago, and by all accounts is a great person, and she IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. Let's call her K.

I dated K for about 3 months before deciding it wasn't going to work. Why? Because she seemed to have a problem with alcohol and honesty and she was in a legal drama related to a married man she had some kind of relationship with. The details of that are still a bit unclear to me. She had a lot of drama in her life when I met her and she made me feel really insecure with her drinking and driving. Her friends also seemed like alcoholics. So as I got to know her I had such mixed feelings.

It was the most intense relationship I had ever had with a woman because she was so attractive, so warm, so attentive to me. Things had moved so fast. But the drinking and driving caused me so much paranoia and when she refused to stop, I had no choice but to end things with her because I kept seeing a future where she hurt herself or some innocent bystander. At this time I had no idea that she may have a personality disorder. I just chalked it up to someone who was living a little too recklessly and I could not bare the thought of the guilt I would feel if she ever hurt herself or anyone else. Plus, when I discovered her habit of lying, it made it easy to end things.

From my point of view it didn’t bother her to end things at all. But I was pretty devastated by it. It took me a couple of months to get over her, even though it was a short relationship. I dated others for a while but never found anyone I felt as close to as I did K.

Eight months later I decided to reach out to her. I wondered how she was. I realize now that was a mistake. She almost instantly reappeared in my life telling me how painful that was for her and she never wants to hurt that way again. She had quit drinking. She wanted another chance.

It should have been a clear warning to me that the same night she re-appeared we were back in the sack full force. But my silly man brain could simply not see past the amazing sexual chemistry we had.

And, like the fool that I have played, I believed she had changed.

But honestly, not much had really changed. True, she actually was drinking less than before (I think, it is always hard to tell what is true with her) but she still had a habit of lying to me. Then she finally lied about drinking and driving again, something she promised would never happen again. I was devastated. I cried.

She was still an expert at dishing out pain for issues that tore at my heart strings: death by drunk driver is something that has touched my life in the past, she knows that, and, she doesn't care.

But at this point, I don’t think she ever really did try to hurt me on purpose. But I think this woman has hurt a lot of men before me, and she’ll very likely hurt a lot of men after me. She really doesn’t seem to care about anyone, not really, except for maybe her son, whom she does seem care about in physical way but not an emotional way. She basically treats him like dirt most of the time. (He left his cell phone in school and she basically went crazy about that for half a day, it was terrifying for her son.)

I feel like the only reason this woman has ever had any relationships at all is because she is somewhat attractive and that men tolerate her behavior because she is beautiful and an expert manipulator.

But I also feel really sorry for her. Because even though she is super attractive now, she is approaching 49 years old. I feel that her looks will quickly fade and she will not be equipped to cope with 'the real world'. I fear this person is going to be a really sad old lady some day. I feel sorry for her in a lot of ways because she is so ignorant about the basics of human relationships.

My marriage counselor convinced me she has all the traits of BPD. And the more I learned about BPD the more I agreed and the more I was terrified.

Why do I care about this woman so much? It is so confusing. But I had to end it for my own sanity. I did that yesterday evening. I ended it.

She would say we both ended it, that it was a ‘joint’ decision. Which is bull___. But I was at least smart enough to let her believe that in hopes she'll go away in peace.

Really, I ended it the moment she refused to go to counseling in my heart after my counselor explained the challenges of being in a relationship with a BPD person and that I really should be leery of that.

But I would have ended it anyway because outside of great sex, K doesn’t really bring much to a relationship except an annoying negative viewpoint and voice to go along with it, a lot of anger, and always a lot of drama. It is almost impossible to feel at peace around her.

My counselor, Dr. H, pointed out it would be a really good idea for me to ‘not’ marry her unless we get some counseling. When I suggested that to her, she flat-out refused. That really hurt, a lot. It was depressing really. I found it almost impossible to continue the relationship after that.

I then suggested that we don’t need counseling and that ‘I’ was the problem. That was funny, because she then demanded we go to the counselor so that she can help me see what is wrong with me. Sigh.

To make a long story short, I became convinced that K falls into the borderline personality disorder (BPD) category. It was a really confusing relationship until I learned about BPD from Dr. H and to a large degree it describes her: I especially think so after reading so many books about it.

The relationship with K was a roller coaster, and frankly, despite feeling love for her and her son, I am mostly glad to have the relationship behind me. Really it was an exhausting experience and very much in line with accounts I read in the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells”.

But I loved her so much. Again, that is  common thing with BPD people I’ve read. The highs are so high that you get addicted to them and even though they make your life a living hell most of the time, it seems worth it.

But I simply could not continue. It is to the point now I am getting depressed believing quite firmly that she doesn’t really care about how I feel and that, to me, is much more important than great sex.

My primary goal at this point is to avoid contact with her and allow myself to heal from the experience. I really gave a lot of myself into that relationship, but frankly, I don’t think any of my giving really mattered to her.

Here is the logic I have used to rationalize to myself ending things:

I can’t trust her because she’s lied to me and broke so many promises I can't even count them all.
Without honoring her word, trust can never be built.
Without trust we cannot have a long-term future.
I am wasting my time, because, I want a companion for the long-term.
The sooner I end this, the sooner I can make space in my life for the right woman.

Here is what I learned:
I believe I did a good job setting my boundaries, but I didn't doing a good job enforcing them.
I let the pleasure of sex and the allure of her beauty contaminate my judgement.
I made a mistake to hold out hope for so long that this woman might change.

I want to move on... .but I feel as though a small part of my soul and my being has been destroyed, and I may never get that back.

Am I permanently damaged?

I want to learn to trust again, but I think I am going to have a difficult time trusting beautiful women in the future.

Can anyone relate to these experiences?

It is ironic to me that I slept so well last night after we ended things and that I had, actually, an amazing day, with a sense of relief. I miss her in some odd way, but I am also feeling like I am OK if she forgets I ever existed.

Thanks,
-B

[heartandwhole]

Hi NCPianoMan,



I'm sorry to hear of your breakup. It's always hard to lose a close relationship, and when BPD is in the mix, it seems doubly difficult. That was my experience, too. I can fully understand the relief that you feel, intertwined with the feelings of missing your ex. You asked if anyone can relate to your story. The answer is a resounding yes. So many of us have been in similar situations, so we understand what you are going through. Along with the members here, this site has so many resources and tools to make things better. And things really DO get better, NCPianoMan. 

I know what you mean about feeling like you might be "permanently damaged." I sometimes wonder myself if there is a part of me that has fundamentally changed since my relationship with BPD. I don't have a definitive answer, but I will say that even if a part of me has "perished," so to speak, I have gained a lot in wisdom, self-understanding, compassion, etc. On the other hand, that feeling that something has "gone" might also be a reflection of the deep losses that I grieved after my breakup (which weren't just about that relationship; I'm convinced they mirrored events in my childhood and past as well). At any rate, I relate to your feelings, but can also say that I am in a much better today—having gone through many life changes since my breakup.

Are you planning to continue to be in contact with your ex? How have your children reacted to recent events?

You mentioned that you "rationalized" ending things, and I wonder if you could say more about that. Are you feeling guilty or like you reacted too hastily?  So many of us have been in that position. From my perspective, you chose the healthiest path for you and your children by putting your values first. That is a very hard lesson that some of us here took much longer to learn, so I commend you for having the courage to do that. 

Keep posting, NCPianoMan. It really helps. I look forward to reading more from you as you progress through the detachment stages.

heartandwhole

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi NCPianoMan-

First, I join heartandwhole in welcoming you to the site, and I'm sorry you've been through all that, it is painful and confusing, although not unique around here, we understand.  You sound like you've educated yourself on the disorder pretty well already, which can make a lot of the confusion go away.

Am I permanently damaged?

Whether you're damaged or not depends on what you make the experience mean.  You say you didn't trust her, and someone who lies to you repeatedly is being disrespectful; you might agree that mutual trust and respect are components of a healthy relationship, and without those there you couldn't have one, so you left, good move.  And yes, there is a big sense of relief once we're out.

And now, moving forward, after you grieve the relationship and process the emotions of course, you've felt the consequences of having boundaries but not enforcing them, which will give you motivation for enforcing them in the future, plus your awareness may just be bolstered by this experience, preventing you from going down that path with someone else.

And then, for bonus points, you've already mentioned some things you learned from the experience, you're way ahead of the curve with that, and what else is in there, if you dig deep?What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  If that's the case then you aren't damaged at all, your core and your soul are intact, and reinforcing and adding some things on top to protect them and nourish them, motivated by what you're feeling right now, may just be the gift of the relationship, as an improved version of you comes out the other side yes?

But first, the grieving, the healthy grieving; how's that going today?

[NCPianoMan]

Thank you for responding, heartandwhole.

Are you planning to continue to be in contact with your ex? How have your children reacted to recent events?

Based on my divorce and our first break-up, I am capable of, and know the value of complete NC. But, due to her past of having filed a law-suit against someone, I plan to remain in contact in a very 'civil' way, and, always in writing: SMS and email only.

In that way, hopefully I don't trigger a rage event when the abandonment feelings set in for her. But I realize that is like playing with fire.

My children have been isolated from most of the dysfunction. Other than seeing me upset from time to time, they won't likely feel much of a loss because K, honestly, did not invest much in a relationship with them. I believe they will be fine.

You mentioned that you "rationalized" ending things, and I wonder if you could say more about that. Are you feeling guilty or like you reacted too hastily? 

I feel a shallow undercurrent of these feelings:

• Guilt
• Lonely
• Confused
• Sad
• Angry
• Betrayed
• Paranoid

But more importantly, I feel a deep sense of:

• Inner Peace - Now that I have 'my' life back.
• Acceptance - Now that I see she can't really help it.
• Empathy - For her and her son and for the many others affected by BPD, both the sufferers and those who love them (who also suffer).
• Gratitude - That I finally have the emotional skills to have enough boundaries to avoid a really sad long-term relationship.

I also feel a sense of gratitude for this community being here to be a sounding board for my cries and woe.

[NCPianoMan]

Thank you for writing, from heeltoheal.

And then, for bonus points, you've already mentioned some things you learned from the experience, you're way ahead of the curve with that, and what else is in there, if you dig deep?

I can answer that by sharing my journal entry from last night:

I called Dr. H for half an hour today. And he described to me that she is, in fact, suffering inside. She is deeply hurt by our relationship ending and there may be some crazy stuff ahead as the abandonment sets in.

But the focus of our talk was on what I have learned here and I today I made an interesting discovery about myself: I believe now that most of my relationships have been with women who have varying degrees of emotional problems because I actually don’t pursue relationships with ‘normal’ women. What I mean by that is that, when I meet a ‘normal’ woman who has firm boundaries, I feel I develop a mentality that it will take a lot of investment before we are intimate and I have been unwilling to make that investment because I let my primal urges drive my behavior. Therefore, I believe I lose interest in women who are 'slow' to get physical.

That is an amazing discovery for me. And as I look back I can see very clearly how that has affected relationship choices. In other words, I select women who are more likely to get sexual quickly. And I believe, now, that women are quick to become sexual with a man, are doing that because they may in fact be compensating for other problems, or using sex as a way to manipulate (which has worked amazingly well on me looking back).

Let me say this again: It was an astounding realization that it is in fact my own pursuit of sex that may be the primary reason I often end up in dysfunctional relationships.

Dr. H was happy with this realization and reinforced this idea and suggested that moving forward I spend a lot of time getting to know someone before getting sexual.

And all of a sudden, the wisdom of all those Sundays back home in that small Methodist church makes a lot more sense.

Interestingly, if people with personality disorders are more sexual, in general, than normal people, it may explain why personality disorders are propagated, rather than dying off. We chase after and seek to mate based not on emotional qualities, but on physical qualities, often overlooking what may lurk beneath.

What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  If that's the case then you aren't damaged at all, your core and your soul are intact, and reinforcing and adding some things on top to protect them and nourish them, motivated by what you're feeling right now, may just be the gift of the relationship, as an improved version of you comes out the other side yes?

I wholeheartedly agree.

But first, the grieving, the healthy grieving; how's that going today?

Interestingly, I am not feeling much in the way of the kind of devastating grief that I believed I would have. I miss the woman I thought she was. It's hard to stay attached that after learning about BPD and having enough recollection of her craziness to understand why it was like a roller coaster.

So, I feel the loneliness, but I am embracing it. I am feeling the peace of the silence. I am sleeping great. I feel like I have my life back. I feel like 'me' again. And that feels nice. This time around, I have the previous breakup experience with her. I have some sense of how it will play out and I have a lot less anxiety about who 'I' am now. And I am determined to move on from this having learned a powerful lesson from this person. From that perspective, I am thankful, now, to know that sexual gratification does not 'fix' things and should never be a reason to overlook troublesome behaviors.

Moving forward I will be much more enforcing of my boundaries and much less forgiving of having those boundaries crossed.

[heartandwhole]

NCPianoMan,

I'm very glad to hear how things are unfolding for you. Although breakups are often hard, you seem to already be mining gold from this experience. That is wonderful, and I hope you will continue to share what you are learning with our members. 

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

Hello NCPianoMan,

I found your initial post to be one of the most candid, insightful and refreshingly honest and grounded opening posts I have read to date.

It is almost impossible to walk through borderland unscathed as you have found out.  But as you have also discovered, you can find something positive to take away from all this.  Your ability to take a hard look at yourself is commendable.

 

[drained1996]

As C. Stein indicated, your first post was refreshingly honest... .I'll add that you sharing your journal entry was profound for me as well.  Most of us that have had brushes with BPD tend to take much more time to look inward and find our own part in the dance.  It's clear you're very aware of the big picture even at this early juncture.  As FHTH notes and you agree... .a better version of you will come out of the other side of this!  Keep sharing!
And feel free to sing us a song Mr Pianoman... .

[RippedTorn]

NC PianoMan
Your analysis of how you got hooked in your relationship mirrors mine. I had known my BPD wife for 12 years. She is charming, beautiful, a great listener and just my size. Also, a great body. So when I became available, she went after me. I was an easy mark for her because I had always had a thing for her though I never did anything about it since I was married when we met. Sex was spectacular. At first, she wanted me to make up a story about our relationship - the prince and princess. We both bought into the dream. Dreams die hard and I left and kept coming back. Without fail, once a week she would have a nasty meltdown with anger, name calling, and blaming. And she was parinoid about other women - always imagining that I would get involved with one. I stupidly assumed if I made more commitment, she would stop. The reverse happened. She wanted me to abandon all my friends. Looking back now that I have filed for divorce, I wondered why I kept crying the loss. It finally dawned on me that I was in denial about the truth of the relationship. It was really awful - being on eggshells, the hurt, the crude language and the controlling behavior. What a damaged woman. I think we should take away from these messed up relationships that it WAS NOT REAL. I am mourning what I wished I had, not what was. Think of all the pain and you will see like I did something that was NOT LOVE. Love does not have to always hurt.