I'm hopeless right now I want her back but idk what to do please help

[Hopeless1992]

Me and my ex were together for almost a year. We were so happy and I tried to understand what she was going through. She's a diagnosed BPD woman. Well near the end we started to fight and things got really bad, I was afraid so I left her because I couldn't deal with it anymore. It's been 2 months and I want her back so bad I've been on these forums reading and I understand so much more now. I tried to contact her and get her back but she says she doesn't feel the same anymore and that we can try to be friends. I basically begged her to take me back but she refused. She said of course I'm not going to give you another chance right away like nothing happen. She's already told me she's talking to other guys but doesn't want a relationship. I think she has painted me black. I want her back so bad but idk what to do should I be friends should I go NC. I just want the pain to stop and for her to come back to me. I need guidance here I don't have anyone I can really talk to this about because no one else understands

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[Hopeless1992]

I want to tell her that I can't be friends with her not after everything we've been through. That I'm sorry but I have more self respect then to try and pine for you while you talk to other guys. That since she moved on I'm going to move on too and that I hope she contacts me again before it's too late

[Mutt]

Hi Hopeless1992,



I'm glad that you found the forum helpful and that you decided to join us  

That since she moved on I'm going to move on too and that I hope she contacts me again before it's too late

I don't know if I would give her an ultimatum, I think that it may make things worse. A pwBPD fear abandonment and will frantically try to avoid it perceived or real. My advice is to step back, take your time and look at the whole picture, I would put the boundary on yourself, decide what you're going to do and how your going to react to it if she doesn't come back.

Are you contacting each other frequently? Can you walk us through the break-up? What are some of the issues in the r/s?

[Hopeless1992]

Hi Hopeless1992,



I'm glad that you found the forum helpful and that you decided to join us   

That since she moved on I'm going to move on too and that I hope she contacts me again before it's too late

I don't know if I would give her an ultimatum, I think that it may make things worse. A pwBPD fear abandonment and will frantically try to avoid it perceived or real. She may try to find another attachment. Are you contacting each other frequently? Can you walk us through the break-up? What are some of the issues in the r/s?

Basically we were together for about a year off an on things got tough, she kicked me out because I had low hours at work and couldn't pay my half. We worked it out and we got back together but things got worse after that maybe I was afraid she would do it again. We tried again but after a bad day where she said she hated me and wanted to break up because I brought my phone outside to smoke a cig. So I stopped talking she tried begging me to come back but I was too afraid I didn't respond. I stopped responding completely. We haven't really been talking a lot it's mainly a little bit here and there I've tried to get her back tell her how I've felt everything. She refuses to get me another chance. Says we can try to be friends because that's all she can offer anyone right now. she says I forced her to move on because she had no other choice. I think there's some feeling for me but I'm painted black. Idk if saying that will change anything or not but I don't want her to see me as a backup or weak.

[Mutt]

Does she think that you're talking to other women when you stepped outside for a smoke and brought your phone with you?

[Hopeless1992]

Does she think that you're talking to other women when you stepped outside for a smoke and brought your phone with you?

This happen around 2 months ago. Yeah she believed I was talking to other women because we had been separated at the time for 2 weeks. I was not and told her to look at my phone but she refused. After that I stopped taking.

[Mutt]

Well if you go NC, I think that it's going to trigger abandonment anxiety, it would probably be more helpful for the both of you to remain in contact, and I agree with you, I wouldn't pine. Do you think / feel like she might be testing you? What I mean is, maybe she thinks that if she separates with you that you are going to look for another woman? I'm not 100% sure, there's always that 2% but I think that she might be trying to push boundaries.

[Hopeless1992]

Well if you go NC, I think that it's going to trigger abandonment anxiety, it would probably be more helpful for the both of you to remain in contact, and I agree with you, I wouldn't pine. Do you think / feel like she might be testing you? What I mean is, maybe she thinks that if she separates with you that you are going to look for another woman? She might be trying to push boundaries.

I feel like in a lot of way that maybe she is testing me. To see how much I will take to leave again like I left before. And yes I agree about boundaries. When she said she wanted to be friends I told her I don't know because it hurts to know you're talking to other guys her response was well I am single. I believe she really is talking to other guys now. And I'm not sure if being friends with her would make her see me in a different light or not

[Mutt]

And I'm not sure if being friends with her would make her see me in a different light or not

I don't know if she'll see you in a different light, not right now, if you stay friends, there's an emotional attachment, it keeps the door open for her to come back. If she was in a r/s with someone else, I don't believe that she would say that. What do you think?

[Hopeless1992]

And I'm not sure if being friends with her would make her see me in a different light or not

I don't know if she'll see you in a different light, not right now, if you stay friends, there's an emotional attachment, it keeps the door open for her to come back. If she was in a r/s with someone else, I don't believe that she would say that. What do you think?

She's told me she's talking to a couple guys but doesn't want to be in a r/s yet. Idk what I think I feel like maybe she's just trying to put salt In the wounds because she knows I want her back.

[Hopeless1992]

Well if you go NC, I think that it's going to trigger abandonment anxiety, it would probably be more helpful for the both of you to remain in contact, and I agree with you, I wouldn't pine. Do you think / feel like she might be testing you? What I mean is, maybe she thinks that if she separates with you that you are going to look for another woman? I'm not 100% sure, there's always that 2% but I think that she might be trying to push boundaries.

You said many times it could trigger an abandoment episode. What would she do?

[JJacks0]

Hopeless, I feel like you and I are in very similar situations right now.

My ex of nearly 7 years recently told me that she wants to just be friends. She also knows that I am still in love with her and looking for more. We had been NC for 2 months, then she called me and wanted to get together just to hang out. She is "casually dating", but not in a relationship... .still calls herself single. Like you, I am trying to navigate boundaries and determine whether or not a friendship could benefit me at all or if it will be torture. I have maintained some contact with her lately, hoping that at least then she won't forget me... .maybe keep the doors a bit more open. But it is risky for my own well-being, as I'm constantly pining over the "something more" that I cannot have with her right now.

I wish I had some advice, but all I can really offer is understanding of your situation. I'm so sorry that you're going through the same. 

[Mutt]

If you trigger abandonment fears, she may very well look for somebody else. I don't want to scare you with that but I wouldn't make threats with terminating the r/s. You're already interested in being friends with her, that's a boundary that you can put on yourself, but if it were me I'd space out the messages and say just enough and not give away too much, I wouldn't telegraph that I'm emotionally attached, I wouldn't give her an emotional response that she expects when she expects it. For example, I she texts, don't respond right away, respect her wishes and give her some space, space out your messages, wait for a few hours before responding and act detached.

[Hopeless1992]

If you trigger abandonment fears, she may very well look for somebody else. I don't want to scare you with that but I wouldn't make threats with terminating the r/s. You're already interested in being friends with her, that's a boundary that you can put on yourself, but if it were me I'd space out the messages and say just enough and not give away too much, I wouldn't telegraph that I'm emotionally attached, I wouldn't give her an emotional response that she expects when she expects it. For example, I she texts, don't respond right away, respect her wishes and give her some space, space out your messages, wait for a few hours before responding and act detached.

What if i text her first? should i still wait awhile to respond if she took awhile to respond to the initial text?
you said not to make threats even though its just a friendship right now?

[Mutt]

Play the long game. If you're not interested in ending the r/s and you're bluffing you may get something that you didn't bargain for. If you're really done, then proceed that way but just say it once and put the boundary on you. Yes, space them out regardless. I hope that helps.

[Hopeless1992]

Play the long game. If you're not interested in ending the r/s and you're bluffing you may get something that you didn't bargain for. If you're really done, then proceed that way but just say it once and put the boundary on you. Yes, space them out regardless. I hope that helps.

I'm just wondering do you have personal experience with it?

[JJacks0]

I wouldn't telegraph that I'm emotionally attached, I wouldn't give her an emotional response that she expects when she expects it. For example, I she texts, don't respond right away, respect her wishes and give her some space, space out your messages, wait for a few hours before responding and act detached.

I'm just curious as well... .why is it that you suggest acting detached? I find it a bit confusing, because on one hand I've heard people say that that would bother a person with BPD and make them want to talk to you to keep the attachment. But it also seems like it would just validate their abandonment fears and encourage them to seek out someone more rewarding? All just thoughts, I'm interested in hearing your opinion.

[Mutt]

I can see how I was confusing, I agree act detached was a poor choice of words. I should have said don't be clingy.