I need help...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been coping with this for over 4 years.  My mother warned me, friends warned me.  But over the past year, the irrational fits of rage, the illogical reasons for getting angry--the inability to slip out of that rage; have all gotten worse.  I have been physically blockaded from leaving, ive been jumped on, scratched, slapped, grabbed onto and dragged.  The police were called to our home by the neighbors last weekend when things spilled into the street and I had to lie to the police to ensure she did not get arrested.  I stayed in a hotel that night (this past Sunday).

I came home Monday--things were calm for a day or two, but I was traumatized by the police experience; most especially since the neighbors got involved and the husband had a gun strapped to his hip (yay texas), and was ordering me on the ground with his hand on his weapon.

Fast forward to Wednesay night and I begin to become confident that the only way to work through this is to go to counseling together, however I must have her realize that she was the root cause of all of this.  She has bruises on her body and face--99% of which are self-inflicted or a result of her blockading the door or her getting in my truck and stealing my phone and scratching at my face while i reach for the phone (and of course come into contact with her body).  Anyway, Wednesday night she's trying to console me--"Oh that monster across the street pulled a gun on you, baby I'm so sorry we will get you better."  At that point I made a choice--who knows if its a good or bad one I will know in years time... .but I made a choice to bring up that if it were not for her, we never would have been in that situatio before.  thankfully i recorded her saying yes... .i also recorded the part where I asked her to seek treatment for BPD, and that's when she went ballistic again.  Crazy all night packing bags, in my face, touching me in inappropriate and weird ways, clapping at me, saying im so happy and ive destroyed her.

Sleep comes through heavy medication on her part.  Next morning (yesterday, Thursday), shes up talking to the one friend she still has (all friends and family have abandoned her and are supporting me) about how i beat her, and how i diagnosed her with BPD, and how she can't live with someone who does that, and she doesn't have it its just anxiety, and shes fine shes fine... .she makes to leave--doesn't, then does finally, but not before scratching up my face again while trying to steal my phone.

I haven't seen her since around 9am yesterday.  I went to the county attorney to seek a protective order against her, but i have not heard back.

I'm struggling with many feelings: sadness and despair--4 years of my life... .tens of thousands of dollars gone on wedding deposits and an engagement ring... .this huge house being very empty... .our dog constantly wondering where she is.  But she won't stop.  She's using a phone I pay for and a car leased in my name to go places and post photos of herself and caption with how its not ok to beat a woman no matter what. Ive blocked her on all social media but she's now sending private messages shaming my friends for supporting me--they've blocked her.

I spoke with my boss--he knows I've struggled with this monkey on my back for years, and is being supportive, but i am still scared that she will post photos to the police's feed, or call cops again, and just make up story after story after story... .

I am currently at my home, she is at a relative's an hour away.  I am currently waiting to see if the order i requested will be granted.  Can i do anything to speed this up?  My plan is to take the dog and leave, if not just for a few days regardless, but I want a decision so I know if I'm safe or not.

She won't stop being angry, won't stop posting, won't stop trying to defame me.  The support ive gotten from all our friends her friends, her family, its nice but this still all hurts so much.

[silverjon85]

I've been coping with this for over 4 years.  My mother warned me, friends warned me.  But over the past year, the irrational fits of rage, the illogical reasons for getting angry--the inability to slip out of that rage; have all gotten worse.  I have been physically blockaded from leaving, ive been jumped on, scratched, slapped, grabbed onto and dragged.  The police were called to our home by the neighbors last weekend when things spilled into the street and I had to lie to the police to ensure she did not get arrested.  I stayed in a hotel that night (this past Sunday).

I came home Monday--things were calm for a day or two, but I was traumatized by the police experience; most especially since the neighbors got involved and the husband had a gun strapped to his hip (yay texas), and was ordering me on the ground with his hand on his weapon.

Fast forward to Wednesay night and I begin to become confident that the only way to work through this is to go to counseling together, however I must have her realize that she was the root cause of all of this.  She has bruises on her body and face--99% of which are self-inflicted or a result of her blockading the door or her getting in my truck and stealing my phone and scratching at my face while i reach for the phone (and of course come into contact with her body).  Anyway, Wednesday night she's trying to console me--"Oh that monster across the street pulled a gun on you, baby I'm so sorry we will get you better."  At that point I made a choice--who knows if its a good or bad one I will know in years time... .but I made a choice to bring up that if it were not for her, we never would have been in that situatio before.  thankfully i recorded her saying yes... .i also recorded the part where I asked her to seek treatment for BPD, and that's when she went ballistic again.  Crazy all night packing bags, in my face, touching me in inappropriate and weird ways, clapping at me, saying im so happy and ive destroyed her.

Sleep comes through heavy medication on her part.  Next morning (yesterday, Thursday), shes up talking to the one friend she still has (all friends and family have abandoned her and are supporting me) about how i beat her, and how i diagnosed her with BPD, and how she can't live with someone who does that, and she doesn't have it its just anxiety, and shes fine shes fine... .she makes to leave--doesn't, then does finally, but not before scratching up my face again while trying to steal my phone.

I haven't seen her since around 9am yesterday.  I went to the county attorney to seek a protective order against her, but i have not heard back.

I'm struggling with many feelings: sadness and despair--4 years of my life... .tens of thousands of dollars gone on wedding deposits and an engagement ring... .this huge house being very empty... .our dog constantly wondering where she is.  But she won't stop.  She's using a phone I pay for and a car leased in my name to go places and post photos of herself and caption with how its not ok to beat a woman no matter what. Ive blocked her on all social media but she's now sending private messages shaming my friends for supporting me--they've blocked her.

I spoke with my boss--he knows I've struggled with this monkey on my back for years, and is being supportive, but i am still scared that she will post photos to the police's feed, or call cops again, and just make up story after story after story... .

I am currently at my home, she is at a relative's an hour away.  I am currently waiting to see if the order i requested will be granted.  Can i do anything to speed this up?  My plan is to take the dog and leave, if not just for a few days regardless, but I want a decision so I know if I'm safe or not.

She won't stop being angry, won't stop posting, won't stop trying to defame me.  The support ive gotten from all our friends her friends, her family, its nice but this still all hurts so much.

[once removed]

hi silverjon85 and

sj, you sound exhausted, and im glad that you have found us and taken the step to reach out for support. to experience all of this for four years, and have things explode as they are is traumatic and i can imagine the toll it is still taking on you. the ongoing accusations are very hurtful.

it also sounds like you are receiving support in your personal life, and im thankful you have that lifeline. gradually, things will get better, but it is likely that the volatility you have experienced will resurface as you do. i encourage you, in addition to posting and reading here, to seek out a therapist who can help you work through the trauma.

you are doing the right thing by not reacting to the accusations. she is seeking validation. a reaction would validate her perceptions of herself as being persecuted by you. still, it is challenging to say the least to have your character and reputation attacked by anyone, let alone someone you have loved and invested so much in.

please not only keep us posted, but keep posting. we are here for you every step of the way.

[silverjon85]

Thanks for the reply.  The social media attacks are continuing relentlessly.  She is lying, and it is clear no one believes her who knows me.  The only people commenting in her support are people shes never met, or people i don't know.  The thing that hurts the most is she keeps invoking my dead mother to shame me... .shes my mother not hers and she will always take my side i am her son.  When she was alive she got very angry at my former fiancee for speaking to me the way she did.

She is heading away from here tomorrow--far away.  She left a TON of things at our home though--need to deal with that.  I want my engagement ring back, she has my car... .

She came to the house today unannounced with a police officer and a friend--were i not home she would have stolen the dog.  The police officer told me it was simply a chaperone visit since she didn't feel safe, and this visit would be added as a supplement to the report filed by police when they were called to our home last sunday.  The cop told me I'm ok--nothing against me at this time.

5 minutes later a friend sends me a screenshot of her social media, claiming i treated her like an animal, the cop had to shut me down, and that she filed an emergency order of protection--i saw no such paper.

I have an attorney and therapist appointment on Monday.  This is definitely sounding like BPD... .right?  I read the intro to "Walking on eggshells" where it asks some questions and all of them were shockingly accurate.

[WendyDavid]

Hi silverjon85

I admire how well you have handled this.  You really have reacted well to this very painful and abusive situation.  You've recognized and utilized your supportive friends and family.  You have a therapist and an attorney.  You've been honest with your employer.  You have taken the high road. 

I'm really sorry that the painful emotions are still there.  Being attacked by someone you loved so much and committed your life to is very traumatizing.  With her constant media attacks, its like she's picking open your wounds and making them worse.  Its hard to protect yourself from pain when it is caused by someone you opened your heart to.  It especially hurts to know that you have to close that door to your heart that you once opened for her.  Its really hard when you have to do it alone.  Relying on your supports (family, friends, therapist) can help give strength for that job you have to do by yourself.

Keep posting.  I have a lot of confidence in you.

[silverjon85]

Hi All,

SO its been a couple weeks now, and things are finally starting to quiet down... .a bit.

She took my car to the airport and didn't tell anyone where it was for 10 days--she made it seem like she had it the whole time; which forced me to file a stolen car report.  Then and only then did she divulge the information on where the car was--and thank goodness too because Insurance denied my theft claim due to the fact that when she took it she was on the insurance.

I had to trade in her leased vehicle and my financed truck to get a new truck at a ridiculously high lease payment--but in three years it will all be behind me and the truck is almost as nice as my last.

The wedding venue will, in the end, keep the $15000 in deposit money they have.  It really really sucks, but its the price of freedom and no stress I suppose.  They wrote the contract to be very much in their favor, and I didn't even realize it until now--who would think about reading it carefully when so sure of the woman you're about to marry? That and the florist are literally the only two things left financially.

I have spies on social media telling me she was furious when i shut her phone off and cancelled her health insurance--as if im supposed to continue to pay for them.  She claims im the abuser and taking away her health insurance was the final blow... .incredible.

Meantime I've gone on tinder and hooked up twice--I know its meaningless and mean to the people i meet, but I just need to get over her and move on... .