Do you get frustrated that you have to be the strong one?

[ElinorD]

How do you find the strength to face what's ahead once you figure out BPD is what your SO has?

I've reached middle age and I feel like I'm finally getting over being a people pleaser, finally realizing anger and disagreement aren't the end of the world, and generally feeling more mature and less concerned about what people think.

But that triggers my husband to no end, even though I'm really being very mild about it.

And now I read that I need to give him a calm environment and forever be ready to validate him and help him come down from his out of control emotions. I'm having a hard time facing continuing to do that. I know I can do it differently than the codependent way I have been.

Do you ever want to say "This isn't fair!"

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hi ElinorD,

The short answer to your question about wanting to say "This isn't fair!" is yes.

It's not fair, you're right. It's not fair to have to do so much work, so much minding of another's psyche and reading between the lines and listening sensitively and carefully and being very aware of one's own mental states and ability to handle different things that may all be going on at the same time. It's like having a houseful of young children, who are all by turns delightful and then either needy or acting out. And wanting to enjoy them, but also needing to keep an eye out for when they appear to be heading towards hurting themselves or you. None of that is fair and all of it can be an awful lot of work.

It's great that you've reached a point in your life where you feel more mature and able to please and take care of yourself. It sounds as if you've done some work and reached a better and healthier place. I can understand that casting ahead and expecting many more years of "work" can seem tiring in advance.

It also makes senses that this would trigger your husband; no one likes when the people in their lives change, especially someone with BPD. There's a concept called "extinction burst" - it's when behaviour gets worse in response to a habitual reinforcement stopping. There's a whole workshop on it here - just the first post might be helpful for you. So don't lose hope!

The other thing is that you don't need to just provide a calm environment for him. Part of that will become his own job. As much as that, or even more than that, you need to take care of yourself and keep going with the wellness you feel growing in you. That is a very worthwhile project, regardless with whom we are in a relationship. To that end, I would encourage you to read through this workshop on what it means to "take care of yourself".

I don't want to give you a bunch of reading homework! But these are conversations between people here from which I've learned a lot. What fun and stimulating and calm spaces can you create for yourself?

[ElinorD]

I love reading homework! I'm devouring everything I can that will help me at this point.

I can't tell you how much hope it gives me to think that the way it's gotten worse at my house may be an extinction burst, something recognizable and expected and happening because good changes are happening in me. And maybe it won't stay like this forever.

It's funny, I seem to have done some of the work on myself that I've been reading that non-BPs should to change the dynamic, but for unrelated reasons without knowing what our underlying problems were. So it's almost like I stumbled into setting some of this off before I knew it was helping me grow (things like going back to work and school, becoming a manager, and getting involved in community groups around my interests). I'm grateful it happened that way and that at first I had my husband's support, even though now he's scared I've changed.

I will definitely read that. Thank you for the links, empathy, and encouragement!

[Bushido]

How do you find the strength to face what's ahead once you figure out BPD is what your SO has?

Do you ever want to say "This isn't fair!"

I cant say where the strenght comes from but if the determination is there, then the strenght will follow.
And to be truthfully honest. . this isnt fair... .and never vill be.
So you have to live your life in a way that you belive is your path.
No matter if you stay or leave. You have to make a choice and live with it.
To decide to stay is a brave thing...
... Cos it might turn on you
... .and your partner may just leave one day without notice.  (Ive been there)
And no matter what! You must stand or fall with your choice.
But you will always know... .That you made this choice and whatever follows is the path you were ment to take...

[VitaminC]

I love reading homework! I'm devouring everything I can that will help me at this point.

Great attitude to have!

It's funny, I seem to have done some of the work on myself that I've been reading that non-BPs should to change the dynamic, but for unrelated reasons without knowing what our underlying problems were. So it's almost like I stumbled into setting some of this off before I knew it was helping me grow (things like going back to work and school, becoming a manager, and getting involved in community groups around my interests). I'm grateful it happened that way and that at first I had my husband's support, even though now he's scared I've changed.

That's wonderful! That you felt your own way and for your own reasons to making positive changes for yourself. We're always doing a good thing, and the right thing, by taking care of ourselves. In purely practical terms, that makes us stronger to be there for others. Someone once on these boards made an analogy between that and putting the oxygen mask in a plane on our own heads first. We're always told to do that, right? Because you're not in a position to help someone weaker or smaller or more needy than yourself, if you've passed out from a lack of oxygen. 

You spoke about your son in a previous post and your concerns about him. How is that going now?

[ElinorD]

Not well. He hates college, he isn't making friends, he has trouble getting himself organized. The good thing is he has appointments soon with a freshman life advisor on campus and a doctor off campus (to evaluate for ADD). I hope they can help him start to improve things.

I held off on telling him that I think his dad has a mental illness that has affected his self-esteem, self-direction, and ability to separate from us for college. I did encourage him to speak up for himself with his roommate because he has a right to be comfortable in his own room. And I asked whether he ever plays video games with his dad out of guilt rather than doing things with people on campus. He thought maybe a little but mostly he likes playing with his dad.

I'm reading a book for adults who grew up with a BP parent to get some perspective.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, it is completely unfair. I've had times where I screamed about that to myself too. 

And now I read that I need to give him a calm environment and forever be ready to validate him and help him come down from his out of control emotions. I'm having a hard time facing continuing to do that. I know I can do it differently than the codependent way I have been.

Yes, this is part of the unfairness... .and there are a couple subtle points I'd like to make:

1. Validating people is a fantastic skill, and it works great with everybody. I'm long separated from my ex, and I still practice as much validation as I can with everybody. Don't just save it for your husband!

2. You don't have to help him down from his out of control emotions. You can leave him to find his own way out of that forest instead. In fact, it is often a better choice.

The thing you really want to work on there is making sure you don't get dragged into engaging with them in the wrong way... .stop the old codependent patterns. I bet you are starting to see how your old ways trying to make things better were actually making them worse instead.

[ElinorD]

That actually helps me think about it differently. Thank you! It's the thought that I have to keep being responsible for him, only even more careful in a different way, that had me tired before I started. Not that holding onto myself while he loses it will be easy, but this should be better for me in the end.

I actually have applied validating skills to difficult customers since reading about this, which helped me keep my head and at times could help them feel happier, and to my son, who has responded with apparent relief. I'm not invalidating his feelings and experiences, which I have done far too often when he was growing up. He has seemed immediately to open up to me more and be less distressed when I've taken that tack. So I can see what you mean. It's a positive way to talk with people generally. It's just a challenge with someone who's irrational and accusatory!

My son got an ADD med for the first time in his life today, and he has hope. I do, too. My BP husband (I've got to learn the right abbreviations here) isn't very pleased, but he's also not angry and forbidding about it. So between all that, I had a lot more affection for husband tonight. He didn't stop us. I've been too afraid of his disapproval. I imagine the kids are, too.

[Grey Kitty]

I actually have applied validating skills [... .] It's a positive way to talk with people generally. It's just a challenge with someone who's irrational and accusatory!

Yup. And you are right--it is a lot harder to validate a pwBPD like your husband. Actually most all the tools you will learn here are harder to use with him than with normal people.

Consider that a valuable thing--you will have such an opportunity to get REALLY GOOD at it, and as you saw, it does help a lot! (Even if the learning curve is horribly unpleasant.)

And since you asked... .this link will help:

What do all these abbreviations mean?

[waverider]

I make sure the positives of what I have learned are put to good use, and remind myself of this. what I have learned about me, my improved ability to interact better with anyone. My awareness has improved. I keep reminding myself that these are benefits are golden even when the 'fairmess" scales seem hopelessly tipped.

I also take my pound of flesh. eg Taking me time has been an important part of coping, I know feel a sense of entitlement about this that in a 'normal" relationship would seem selfish. Having to take control of certain aspects means I have total control without going to a "committee vote".

What is this relationship giving me that I couldn't, or wouldn't, otherwise have, is an important area to be clear on

When the balance is hard to maintain by emotional reasoning alone it often helps to have some more materialist advantages to bolster your sense of fairness.