I need help

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am trying to end a relationship with a BPD sufferer, (for the tenth time), I am at the stage where I've had enough, then 30 minutes later I miss him? He has been extremely violent towards me in the past, and has managed to break everything I own, I need help getting out of this relationship, but I feel I'm my worst enemy?

[Terrified]

I am trying to end a relationship with a BPD sufferer, (for the tenth time), I am at the stage where I've had enough, then 30 minutes later I miss him? He has been extremely violent towards me in the past, and has managed to break everything I own, I need help getting out of this relationship, but I feel I'm my worst enemy?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Terrified-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're in that place, it is very painful and confusing, although not rare around here, we've been there and we understand.

First, do you think your physical safety is in danger?  Safety first, there are plenty of resources available, and do you have people close you can confide in and spend time with?

Next, it's common to have that conflict between you've had enough, then miss him, partly because you've got an unhealthy emotional bond that unfortunately gets stronger with time, not weaker.  So the big question is what's the goal?  If the goal is to leave him, we know how to do that.  If the goal is to stay and make it work, folks here are doing that with their partners too.  So what's the goal?  And while you're telling us, you might tell us more of your story too; getting it out is cathartic in its own right.

[joeramabeme]

I am trying to end a relationship with a BPD sufferer, (for the tenth time), I am at the stage where I've had enough, then 30 minutes later I miss him? He has been extremely violent towards me in the past, and has managed to break everything I own, I need help getting out of this relationship, but I feel I'm my worst enemy?

Hi Terrified,

Welcome to BPD Family.  Sorry to hear about what you are going through.  As HeeltoHeal says, the longer we are in these abusive relationships the harder it feels like to get out.

Are you in your own physical living space?  If not, can you go to one?  I think your physical safety is of the highest importance.  Some of the emotional struggles will take time and as you mention, it is so easy to go back into the same cycle of abuse.

What do you think is the hardest part for you to sticking with a decision to leave and stay that way?

[Terrified]

Hi yes I am in a safe place. I don't trust my heart and head but?... What the heck is wrong with me? I'm an intelligent woman... .I have a career in nursing and I'm studying at university. I wish this nightmare would end

[fromheeltoheal]

What the heck is wrong with me?

That's not the greatest of questions Terrified, because when we ask it our brain will come up with 100 things that are wrong with us, which is crazymaking and disempowering.  What's going on is you're emotionally bonded in an unhealthy, intense relationship, we know, we've been there.

So tell you what, check this out: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

And then tell us your story, type it out here, it's cathartic, and then what's the goal?  If you're like most of us your head knows the best thing to do is end it but your heart protests.  So follow your head for now, process the emotions that come up, and eventually your heart will catch up.  And trust us for now, until you can trust yourself again, cool?

[Terrified]

Thank you I will look at the link. I need to pick my daughter up, but when I get back I will open up about this unhealthy relationship

[Terrified]

Hi, this is day one, for the tenth time to end this nightmare I've been living in for over three years. My BPD is an alcoholic, gambler,cheater and a massive liar, also he is physically and mentally abusive... .  ( boy, I've just read what I have just written and even I'm thinking "what the hell? Why get involved with someone like that?) because at first he was a charmer, still can put the charm on when needed. None of these traits reared their ugly head at first and even then they were slow to surface, by that time I'd fallen for this man, plus the sob stories he would give me were heartbreaking regarding his life, since found out he was mostly to blame for all the wrongs he'd encountered. I organised for him to see a psychologist because I felt he was suffering from BPD, he went once and the first thing he told me was the psychologist wasn't wearing a bra? I want him out of my life because number one for my own safety, although he doesn't live with me, I have a fear he could infact accidentally kill me whilst in one of his rages. He has damaged a lot of my property and doesn't care really. But the worst thing in this whole damaging scenario is how I have changed! Well not maybe so much changed but the words I have spoken and the rages I have flown into are absolutely disgraceful and soo not me. I am appalled at my behaviour, although I've never been physically violent, because I abhor violence! I WANT ME BACK... .

[C.Stein]

Hello,

The first step to getting away from the toxicity is to etch a line in stone (not in sand).  It sounds like you have a lot of boundaries that have been drawn in sand but none in stone.  What is the difference?  A boundary in stone is one that can never be crossed or moved.  It seems to me you have some fundamental boundaries that need to be etched in stone.  He has already crossed these boundaries on numerous occasions.  It is time for you to defend those boundaries, to say ENOUGH and put an end to the relationship.  A fundamental requirement in a relationship is respect and he has demonstrated time and time again he has none for you.  Now it is time for you to show some respect for yourself!   

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Terrified-

Hi, this is day one, for the tenth time to end this nightmare I've been living in for over three years. My BPD is an alcoholic, gambler,cheater and a massive liar, also he is physically and mentally abusive... . ( boy, I've just read what I have just written and even I'm thinking "what the hell? Why get involved with someone like that?)

As you say, you got involved because he's a charmer, my ex was too, or whatever the female equivalent of that is, and the bigger question is why did you stay when things got bad?  And honestly terrified, breaking up and getting back together 10 times says as much about you as it does about him, you know that, and the good news is, as you grieve, process the emotions and detach, you have a great opportunity to look closely at why you do what you do; a profound period of personal growth is just ahead, if you say so.

I organised for him to see a psychologist because I felt he was suffering from BPD, he went once and the first thing he told me was the psychologist wasn't wearing a bra?

Curious, did you know about borderline personality disorder then?  How did you find out?  And being violent and breaking things ties into the intense and impulsive nature of the disorder, although lots of folks without the disorder are violent, what other traits of the disorder do you recognize?  :)oesn't matter really, it's the behaviors and how they affected you that matter, and we're not mental health professionals and can't diagnose anything anyway, but it's helpful as we learn about the disorder and see countless similarities in other people's experiences, it takes the confusion away and things start to make sense, doesn't make it OK by any stretch, but at least it's not so confusing.

I want him out of my life because number one for my own safety, although he doesn't live with me, I have a fear he could infact accidentally kill me whilst in one of his rages.

Yeah, that's a problem that definitely needs to be dealt with.

But the worst thing in this whole damaging scenario is how I have changed! Well not maybe so much changed but the words I have spoken and the rages I have flown into are absolutely disgraceful and soo not me. I am appalled at my behaviour, although I've never been physically violent, because I abhor violence! I WANT ME BACK... .

OK then, I WANT ME BACK, is in all caps, sounds like conviction; are you committed?  What's different this time compared to all the other times?  How do you know you've had enough?

Also, it's common to adopt some of the behaviors ourselves in these relationships, to survive, to meet him where he's at, to try and beat him at his own game, whatever, and as you detach that will go away, although was it all you mirroring him, or did he awaken things in you that were dormant and/or suppressed?  No need to answer now, but things like that are part of the grand adventure of detachment, detachment is a project, the best kind, this is your life, and you may experience profound emotions and changes as you go through it, so how badly do you want it?  Are you committed? (he asks again, just to be sure)

It's early for you, but you might look at the stages of detachment over there ---------->
to give you an idea where you're going.  Take care of you, and we look forward to hearing more.

[Buffie]

Hi Terrified,
Sorry to read about your circumstances, physical and emotional abuse hurts is deeply.  They hold us captive through the wounds in our lives.  They quickly discover what these are and in the initial stages of the relationship fill those in ways we've always dreamed or wanted.  So emotionally we become addicted to the filling... .only it's a game for them. As they fill the voids, tho, they tip their hands because they also add a little misbehavior, getting us to accept the misbehavior as part of meeting our needs.  Then slowly the balance of "good" to bad shifts until they're hurting us most of the time.  However we're still addicted to the filling, so we hold out to get what we desperately feel we need and put up with the abuse... .then there is a yo-yo cycle, where we push them away and they become "loving" again and the crazy cycle starts, all the while we're sliding downhill with lack of sleep and generally not taking care of ourselves.  Usually, the reality is that the pain we feel is real, and they cannot love because they have no empathy.  A relationship to them is a business deal.  They need someone close because they fear rejection, and fear being alone, and really don't care what they do to us while they're meeting their own needs.  I found that I had to shut down the ways they could connect with my life, and not allow them in, no matter what the words looked like, or no matter how good what they're telling us feels.  They chocolate cover something that's otherwise really gross, and we focus on the chocolate and not what's underneath.  From what I read, you want to detach, and stay that way.  Please stay close to the boards here and stop the emotional bleeding, and then gain the strength to keep moving away... .beware of being gone for awhile and then having them try to reconnect with lots of the stuff they offer.  Stay strong and I wish you the best!

Buff