Friendships, boundaries, and caretaking

[whichwaygay]

Hello, I'm an adult in my mid twenties and I've been NC with my diagnosed BPD parent for a couple years now.

I'm curious to know if anyone else struggles with avoiding relationships (platonic and otherwise) because of past enmeshment and incest. I actually feel capable of setting boundaries with others, but the fact of the matter is I don't want to be relied upon. At all. In any way, even the normal and healthy expectations of reciprocal friendship. I don't want to listen to people's problems, I don't want to give them advice, I don't want to be there in times of needs, I don't want to help, I don't want to **provide companionship**.

I realize how selfish this sounds but to be fair, I don't expect support/friendship/etc from anyone myself. I realize it's not an all or nothing thing either, it's not a choice between complete isolation or complete enmeshment, many people have healthy relationships with approriate boundaries and enjoy being able to connect with others and share their lives. But I don't want that. I loathe the idea. It repels me, actually.

I'm not sure if I haven't genuinely internalized that people can have rewarding relationships or what. I'm confident, however, it is related to my background with the BPD parent. Anyone else dealt with this?

[VitaminC]

Hi whichwaygay, 

I can understand a reluctance to get involved in relationships if your childhood had some unhealthy dynamics. In my own case, my mother relied on me in ways that were too much for me as a teen and although the term 'emotional incest' would have blown me away at the time - that is what it would be classed as now.

The result of that for me was that I grew up very self-reliant and not trusting anyone to actually be able to be there for me in any real or lasting way. Everyone's case and how it affects their emotional development is different, but some issues with trusting others and being capable of genuine intimacy appear to be a strong pattern.

There's a good discussion on it here, if you want to take a look: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=127914.0

It sounds like you've an intellectual understanding of it and are questioning your feelings about the matter. Is it that you would like to have a "rewarding relationship" but don't think you know how?

You might want to take a look at the Lessons over here on the right - especially Understanding the Effects of Growing Up in a BPD Environment ---->

Tell us what you think?

[isilme]

I think I can understand a bit.  Both of my parents are BPD, and I was an only child, and we lived states away from family and I was not allowed friends.  So it was very u healthy.  I was mom's caretaker, and dad's stand-in-wife for pretty much everything without and OVERT sexual abuse.  I believe they subjected me to covert sexual abuse as well as emotional incest, as well as physical and emotional abuse and neglect.

I wanted to be liked, and so when I finally coud have friends, I often went far and above what was reasonable, and sadly found plenty of epople willing to take all the help I offered without reciprocating.  But, some friends were great.  I have learned that a few from high school even suspected how bad things were at home, even though I never spoke of it out of fear.

I think it's normal to be wary of any emotional entanglements, and now am a weird openly guarded person. 

I'm not so much afraid of friends as I am of family.  Period.  Any family tied to my mother or father are suspect.  My dad's family of origin backed him up in much of his treatment of me.  And so I went NC with all of them.  My mom's is mostly deceased, but I am still wary of the surviving members. 

I too, have a hard time asking people for help, preferring to do everything on my own.  That way I know it will be done, or it's my own fault if not, and no one let me down.

[whichwaygay]

Is it that you would like to have a "rewarding relationship" but don't think you know how?

I think it's more like I just have absolutely no desire to form relationships. I meet plenty of interesting, healthy enough, kind people who would probably be fun to know and worthwhile additions to my life but I put zero effort into forming and maintaining a relationship.

I'm not interested in talking to people multiple times a week or hanging out for hours on end so it's easy to let it all fall by the wayside. I feel bad sometimes because I know some people think we 'connected' (I don't ever feel this way) and wondered if they did something wrong because I don't want to see them anymore. It isn't as though I tire of the individual themselves either, it's just the *effort of maintaining* which exhausts me.

I try to foster the desire, like I said I meet plenty of people who I get along with, share hobbies, interests, and values with, honestly cool people. But I really just don't care enough to know them, nor do I wish to be known.

[isilme]

whichway,

It sounds like you might feel a bit burned out by all the emotional pulls from the unhealthy aspects you grew up with.  It sounds like you DO have relationships, but you feel they are somehow not "real" just because you don't feel up to the energy of seeing them all the time or want to be involved how social media portrays BFFs, all interconnected, always together, running off and doing all manner of things.

H and I both have friends we've not seen in literally years.  Distance and life keep us apart, and neither of us is a big "over-sharer" online.  I send them Christmas cards, they may send one back, and often that's the extent of our interaction for another year.  But, when we DO manage to meet, we are very much good friends, we just don't need that constant in your face interaction. 

Sharing hobbies with someone IS a level of friendship.  If you want to keep it simple, cool.  If you want to see them more often, cool.  As you work through things about how you grew up, you may or may not want more involved friendships.  As long as you aren't feeling a lack about it, it doesn't really matter how many if any close friends you do or don't have.

I am guarded.  I can "get along" with a large number of people, just because I grew up having to keep two crazy people placated.  If I can't get along with you - even for short periods, well, that says more about you than me.

I can even share certain things with them, like how I grew up.  Part of this is because I am not ashamed of it and I think people need to know kids like I was exist.  I think it fights the taboo of talking about it.  But, I also get drained easily by super-extroverted friends.  I really most days just want to be home with H, on the couch, watching a movie, reading a book for the 100th time, making something.  We have friends who want game nights, get together, outdoor movie nights - it gets to be a lot, and even without kids we really lack the emotional energy to take part.  I sometimes feel that my more extroverted friends are a bit like vampires - they suck out my energy for their good time, and leave me exhausted the next day.  It's sad, but after some events with lots of people, I feel physically like I have the flu - I was "on" the whole time, and it wears me out.  It can be a night out with friends or a presentation at work.  I am fine messaging people here and there and can put my phone away and "turn them off". But face to face, I need limits. 

I think overall, you sound a bit introverted, and guarded.  As long as you don't feel this is depriving you of anything, and you have satisfaction in your current level of relationships, just be polite, tell people you need some introvert time if they seem put off by you not joining them, and they should understand.