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Author Topic: Violence in relationship.  (Read 815 times)
hope81

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: October 28, 2016, 09:10:27 AM »

More recently I have been on the receiving end of anger and violence from my fiancée, her anger comes from childhood family issues/resentment that continues due to an on going family situation - (basically my partners family never do enough or meet her expectations/needs/wants) so she feels she has to step in so things are done right (her way).

Last night after half hour of her trying to make me feel bad about my family and insulting me by saying I have no passion and let people walk over me, she got violent, this started by throwing something at me and hitting me. I said I was going out and tried to leave but she stopped me and became more violent by hitting and squeezing my neck (her usual attack). I had no option but to restrain her which only makes her more angry, but it did work and she stopped attacking and then got tearful.

What's is the best way to deal with this? I told her I would leave when this happens, but she wouldn't let me leave and would most likely pursue me if I did with violence and verbal abuse.

I love her, but I will not tolerate being in a verbal, emotional and physically abusive relationship. She needs to get help, and we have been to see the general practitioner but get fobbed off with pills and self referral phone lines. Long term therapy for BPD is what she needs and less stress, but she always seems to get over involved and adds more stress to her life and then is resentful her life isn't how she wants it, the cycle then repeats.

 
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« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2016, 11:06:00 AM »

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time but I'm really glad that your sharing your story with us.

My ex was violent on a number of occasions and I know how devastating it can be. It's disappointing that you haven't been able to get the help you require. Is your fiancee seeing a therapist?

The first and most important thing here is your own self care. I understand that you care very deeply about your fiancee but her feelings of anger towards her family are hers to manage and resolve. They are not your responsibility. And what ever mental health issues she's experiencing nothing excuses or justifies physical violence.

I'm not judging either of you here - I've been in this situation myself and I appreciate that when you're in the middle of an episode it can be very challenging to handle the situation in healthy way.

I don't know how extreme the violence is but I think if someone is being abusive then it's important to step away and remove yourself from that situation while making it clear that violence and verbal abuse are not acceptable. It's difficult but this can be communicated in non confrontational way. i.e. you really care about her but you are not willing to accept violence or verbal abuse. The language could be softened but the important things is to communicate a clear message and boundary. You made be doing this already - it's equally important to follow up your words by acting on them.

Do you have anywhere that you can go to be safe? Friends or family?

The danger is if this behaviour continues or escalates one or both of you could end up getting really hurt.

I'm not suggesting separating but I think a time out will give her the chance to cool down and consider her behaviour. It also sends a clear message that your boundary is real.

Can you tell a little more about your circumstances and your relationship with her?

How long have you been engaged?

Reforming



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hope81

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2016, 01:26:37 AM »

Thanks for posting.

No, my partner is not seeing a therapist but I have been seeing a Councillor to better understand things, but I only have one session left. She had some free sessions, we attended the first together but she left after 30 seconds so I've been using the sessions but she doesn't know.

I know self help and leaving is important however when she is violent some time's I cannot leave as she blocks my way and comes at me.

The violence is throwing things at me, hitting, kicking, strangling and has gone as far as a knife when I hid her car keys once when she wanted to go driving after downing a bottle of wine. She also breaks and smashes up the house at times.

Yes I have safe places to go, but it's leaving that's the hard bit.

We have been together 2 years, moved in after 9 months and it was like knowing another person most of the time. The women I loved I now saw getting very stressed, anxious and angry over minor life events, has huge self image issues and hates most people, she is always the victim and very rarely accountable. She is emotionally unstable and acts like small child during tantrums. What annoys me the most is she uses the threat of an anger outburst in public when we are out to get her own way, and at home it's suicide to stop me doing things on my own. She likes to be or think she is in control especially of other peoples business and will openly give opinion/orders if it's wanted or not. However she very rarely does what she needs for her and won't be advised on her own life.

Currently she is the primary care giver for a family member which she decided to take on with little thought for herself or us. Overall she does really well with this but I think it's because it ticks lots of boxes for her such as control, feeling needed, showing that the rest of the family are not capable but most important prevents her from focusing on herself.

Unfortunately it puts extra strain on me financially as I'm paying for almost everything and go without I feel like I'm the only responsible adult in the relationship. But even before being a care giver her issues were still present going all the way back into childhood, so it's not being carer that is causing the behaviour but it does add extra stress and increases the family triggers.


We got engaged after a year but I felt pressured. She was talking about engagement after only 3 months.

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Reforming
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2016, 02:50:14 AM »

Hi hope81,

Thanks for giving us some more context. I realise withdrawing can be easier said than done, especially when things have escalated. Do you think there's any way of stepping out in the early stages?

I'm glad you've been getting some professional support. It helps.  Have you discussed the violence and suicide threats with your counsellor? Or with any family or friends? I know this can be very hard too. I found it very difficult but having a support network is really important.

I'm so sorry that this is happening. How are you holding up?

Reforming
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hope81

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2016, 01:53:58 PM »

Hi,

I do try to step out/back down when I sense an escalation but sometimes it escalates very fast. Also my councillor has said I need to stand up to her more but this seems to make her worse as she has to be right/in control.

Yes I have discussed this with the councillor and friends and briefly mentioned it to her mum who has been on the receiving end since childhood. We all agree she needs help and deep down she knows it too, but in her head it's always her mother or someone else's fault why her life is how it is. I just feel so alone! Because to everyone else she appears normal functioning but is far from it behind the scenes.

I'm holding up OK, today I had bruises and soreness from the attack of a few days ago and she saw them and wanted to make it up to me with sex, her answer to everything! I declined and said that's not the answer, she immediately felt rejected

I was doing better Friday & Saturday but today with the visible bruising I feel more angry and annoyed with her and myself that I've put up with this in the hope she will get help.

My councillor asked me a month ago what I currently get from the relationship and I couldn't answer and still can't. She lives in my house, wants most of my time, eats my food, pays no bills, verbally and physically abuses me and worst of all knows how to hurt me and does so, including emotional black mail and trying to destroy my self confidence. Makes me wish I'd never told her my personal stuff\issurs as she uses it to inflict maximum pain. In the future I will be reluctant to ever open up again to anyone.
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Reforming
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 767



« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2016, 05:45:06 PM »

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry that you're in physical and emotional pain. My ex also used makeup sex as a way of distracting from what had happened.

I think I can understand your anger towards your ex which is very natural but try not to be angry at yourself - I know it's hard.

One of the hardest things about being on the receiving end of domestic violence or abusive behaviour is that the perpetrator can make the victim feel so ashamed that they keep it secret. This isolation makes it even harder to confront what's happening. I come from a close family but I never told any of them about it until after my relationship ended. I did confide in my best friend and it helped me confront it.

Do you have anyone else that you could talk to. Has your T offered any strategy for improving or resolving the situation.

Try not to worry about the future. The important thing right now is looking after yourself. Do you mind if I ask you a little bit more about your relationship? How long have you been together? How old is your ex?

We're here for you

Reforming

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hope81

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2016, 09:24:49 AM »

Hello,

Thanks for posting, I should clarify that we are still together, but I feel like I'm running out of energy and feel my health is suffering.

The only strategy suggested by the therapist has been to get her into therapy more specifically psychodynamic and attachment, to help with her issues from her past and relationship with parents and to improve her day to day feelings.

We have been together 2 years, living with each other for 15 months. She is 27 years old. I should also add she self harms when overwhelmed and talks/researches suicide when she feels down.
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Reforming
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 767



« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2016, 11:10:07 AM »

Hi hope81,

I'm really glad you've come back

Hello,

Thanks for posting, I should clarify that we are still together, but I feel like I'm running out of energy and feel my health is suffering.

I'm sorry to hear that though given the circumstances it's completely understandable. Violence and conflict is physical and emotionally exhausting. I understand that you love your partners but you can't help her if you're totally drained and exhausted. Would it be possible to take a short break and stay with friends or family for a few days? It might give you a chance to recover your energy and consider the next steps.

Excerpt
The only strategy suggested by the therapist has been to get her into therapy more specifically psychodynamic and attachment, to help with her issues from her past and relationship with parents and to improve her day to day feelings.

Therapy could certainly be a positive step but it's not a quick fix and it requires real commitment on her part. Do you think she's willing to do this?

Excerpt
We have been together 2 years, living with each other for 15 months. She is 27 years old. I should also add she self harms when overwhelmed and talks/researches suicide when she feels down.


I can imagine that her self harm and talk of suicide can be very upsetting. I know this is very difficult but it's important to remind yourself that though you care about her deeply you're not responsible for her choices or behaviour.  It can be hard to gauge whether how serious these threats may be - but the best thing is to seek professional help. This site has some helpful advice and information on dealing with suicidal threats.

Helping someone with suicidal thoughts:

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

Are the any particular events that trigger her self harming and talk of suicide?

I realise that your current situation is very difficult but please know that we will do our best to support you in any way we can

Reforming
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hope81

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2016, 11:43:07 AM »

Hi

Thanks for posting. It's good to post again.

It maybe possible to take a day or two away, but she will likely see this as abandonment. I have some leave coming up soon and intend to have some me time during the day, but I know now that this will be disrupted by her need for support and validation.

I hope she can commit to therapy, but she does not like many therapists as she feels judged, but this comes from her. We need to find her the right person, but even then I fear she will walk out when she is not "understood". She has a fear of therapy in case it doesn't work or help, and that she will always be this way.

The other problem is cost, currently we are financially limited as I'm covering all our living expenses, we are already going without.  The chances of her getting free help in the long term from the NHS are very slim.

Regarding the self harming, it's usually triggered following an outburst as a way to calm down, nothing specific really just overall life stress on top of underlying anger/resentment towards her parents and up bringing. Suicide thoughts are usually when she feels hopeless like there is no way out of the current situation. Unfortunately she brings on more stress than she needs to on herself by getting too involved in other peoples affairs/lifes and overthinking things, there is also an OCD element as things have to be at or near perfection and she puts pressure on herself if this isn't the case.

Thank you for the link, I will have a read of this. I really appreciate your posts.

Many Thanks
Hope81
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Reforming
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 767



« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2016, 12:41:51 PM »

Hi

Thanks for posting. It's good to post again.

It maybe possible to take a day or two away, but she will likely see this as abandonment. I have some leave coming up soon and intend to have some me time during the day, but I know now that this will be disrupted by her need for support and validation.

I understand that this can be challenging. Does she have any friends or family who she trusts who could come and stay with her? It's important that you don't loose slight of your own needs here too

Excerpt
I hope she can commit to therapy, but she does not like many therapists as she feels judged, but this comes from her. We need to find her the right person, but even then I fear she will walk out when she is not "understood". She has a fear of therapy in case it doesn't work or help, and that she will always be this way.

I agree that trust is a vital component here. A good therapist with the right skill set will work to earn her trust and build a relationship that can contain her acting out behaviour. There's are Schema and DBT therapist in the UK who specialise in working with personality disorders.

This is a link for the international schema society which listed qualified therapists working in the UK.

www.schematherapysociety.org/Search

Excerpt
The other problem is cost, currently we are financially limited as I'm covering all our living expenses, we are already going without.  The chances of her getting free help in the long term from the NHS are very slim.

I know that NHS mental health services have been in crisis for some time. Would her parents be willing or able to help with this? I realise that her relationship with them is fraught so it's a delicate matter but it may be worth discussing it with them.

Excerpt
Regarding the self harming, it's usually triggered following an outburst as a way to calm down, nothing specific really just overall life stress on top of underlying anger/resentment towards her parents and up bringing. Suicide thoughts are usually when she feels hopeless like there is no way out of the current situation. Unfortunately she brings on more stress than she needs to on herself by getting too involved in other peoples affairs/lifes and overthinking things, there is also an OCD element as things have to be at or near perfection and she puts pressure on herself if this isn't the case.

If you have the time and headspace there are links to some coping strategies and skills that can help to diffuse conflict.

Excerpt
Thank you for the link, I will have a read of this. I really appreciate your posts.

Many Thanks
Hope81

I'm really glad you've found us. We're here when ever you need to talk

Reforming
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hope81

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2016, 07:21:01 AM »

Unfortunately I'm back here again after a bad day yesterday. We were suppose to go to a family gathering to exchange presents but she didn't want to which I was okay with. While we were getting ready she was getting more angry with me, shouting abuse and pushing me. Then she opened some presents threw them around damaging them and the house and started on me. I attempted to leave but was stopped, when I did get out she chased me in her underwear into a public area and was still violent.  I ended up back inside and asked her if she thought was leaving, she said she felt lonely. I went to leave again then she threw things at me and physically attacked me again but then she went for the family pet and said she was going to do harm to, which she would have done if I hadn't intervened.

I then stayed and the self harming began. I told her to go and stay at her mums last night but she came back. She said she is staying at her mums tonight, but now wants to stay here again and carry on like everythings back to normal. But I'm still recovering and don't really want to spend time with her.

We have spoken about therapy and BPD before, but she has done nothing. I know they say not to self diagnose or tell the person they have BPD but I think she needs to face up and accept it, and begin to understand and take responsibility for why her life is the way it is and the effects she has on others. When she is on one like yesterday she is a danger to herself and those around her, I was very close to calling the police.

I want to take her back and for her to get therapy but I'm not sure I can wait any longer, but I don't want to give up on her
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« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2016, 04:54:47 AM »

Hi Hope, I am sorry for your situation. It is interesting that your therapist asked you to consider what you are getting from the relationship. Because I think in these relationships we often forget about ourselves. I often found myself in my relationship saying, 'what about my needs'. I also need to be taken care of. These statements are like a red rag to a bull in my relationship where I have been told that it 'was not about me', it was about him. For me the decision as to whether to be in the relationship is out of my hands (I have been cut off and been given the silent treatment, again) and I am taking the time to consider whether I should stop the efforts on my part to communicate with him. It is indeed a really conflicting situation. I know I am full of love and empathy for my partner and want so much to help him. But I don't know how far love and empathy can take us. For me the fact that I miss the good times and the man he sometimes is makes it so difficult. You need to consider how far your relationship can go and whether you are going to get from it in the long term what you need. And you need to consider whether you yourself can be a carer - and I imagine this will be for the whole term relationship. You probably will be the sole financial provider and will have to tolerate the behaviour knowing that you cannot really change the person. But the pain for me is I feel like I am abandoning someone in need. Maybe that is the issue too with you. If she did not have a disorder, would you stay?

I am ashamed to say that I threw at my ex the diagnosis of BPD, telling him to get help. After I was made to feel that I am wrong, that I trigger him, that I should be blocked completely, I just felt so resentful of him and felt that he should take some responsibility. I am the one who has made all of the effort to make the relationship work and I am not sure that it should be like that. All the best.   
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« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2017, 06:07:55 AM »

Hi Hope

Sorry for the delay in responding to your post.

Holidays and christmas can be very stressful even if you're mentally healthy but when someone's suffering from a mental health issue they can become a minefield. You're not responsible for your partner's mental well being but it's not surprising that a family gathering could trigger her.

It happened quite a bit in my relationship too and when it escalates to violence it can be traumatic and emotionally exhausting.

Speaking from my own experience you cannot force anyone to get therapy and trying usually breeds resentment and distrust... It can also lead to an unhealthy focus on changing another person which rarely ends well. I understand that you want to help your partner get well, but to get better she needs to drive her own healing.

Perhaps the best things you can do right now are:

1. Look after yourself by prioritising your own health and needs.

2. Try to limit and contain conflict by modelling healthy behaviour. Sometimes the best way to change a situation is to inspire others by changing our own behaviour. I realise that when you're in a relationship with someone who is disordered that requires considerable skills and composure but there some really helpful lessons on this our site that are listed on the right hand side of the page. It takes time and practice and they are not a magic pill but they can help and they are a worthwhile investment.

1. Surviving confrontation and disrespect
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923

2. Tools: communication, validation and reinforcement of good behaviour
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704924#msg12704924

3. Understanding your role in the relationship
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704925#msg12704925

4. Understanding your partner's behaviours.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704926#msg12704926

Good luck and keep posting

Reforming
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