BPD Mother...years of abuse

[alydu]

Hello All,

I am brand new to BPD family and very glad I found this website through the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book. Over the years I have been trying to piece together my past, start over new relationships with family members and find healing through abusive hell I have lived over the last 20 years. Please note that my story may be very intense for some people... .

In 2014 my parents finally got a divorce after 25 years of the most dysfunctional marriage and family I have ever been a part of. There were police involved because of domestic violence, long dragged out divorce and years of PTSD I have experienced over the years. Before my parents married, my mother was diagnosed with BPD or BiPolar disorder and put on medication. After she met my father she immediately stopped taking her medication. Over the years, my dad has been in complete denial about her disorder and went along with everything she said in regards to cutting off everyone in my entire family, friends and outsiders and homeschooling me and my 2 younger brothers. Me and my middle brother were homeschooled for all 18 years of our lives, meanwhile my youngest brother was able to finish his last 2 years in high school and graduated afterwards. During those 18 years of homeschooling, I homeschooled my brothers for almost 8 of them.

My BPD mother was very unstable, unpredictable, and the worst person to homeschool anything or anyone. She wanted control of every single aspect of our lives as children and teenagers and it was like living in a prison. The worst part of it all, is the fact that she was so good at hiding who she really was around other people and convincing them that everything was perfect. She was always involved with fundamentalist christian churches to try and "cure" her problems and let the church give her guidelines to live by. This turned into more serious issues as I got older and she decided to seek more outside church help by trying to cast her "demons" out.

The hardest part of my entire childhood was that I could not escape... .I was trapped. My father worked full time 10 - 12 hour days and was gone all day long, while my mother stayed at home with us kids. During those 18 years there were daily accounts of verbal and physical abuse. She had the emotional / mental capacity of a 13 year old and loved to pick fights with me and my siblings.

She now lives with per boyfriend and I have not talked to her since the divorce and don't plan on doing so until she actually seeks help, which I will not force otherwise I found it best not to have a relationship with her at all because she is so toxic.

I am having a hard time finding people who have been through the amount of emotional and physical abuse I went through all those years who can relate. I have told my therapist about it but trying to find others with similar situations. I feel very alone in all of this and know I will never have a mother and it saddens me.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome alydu:    
I'm sorry about the abuse you endured with your BPD mom.  It had to have been tough for you, being home schooled.  At least, if you could have escaped to a public school during the weekdays, it could have been some relief.

I'm dealing with an uBPD sister, so I have a different situation.  There are many others here who can relate to a similar situation as you. I'm sure some of them will comment in your thread.  I found this website, as a result of reading, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" as well.  

I'm glad that you are in therapy.  It can really help to have a professional to talk to.  I started therapy to try and figure out what was going on with my uBPD sister.  I didn't know much about personality disorders at the time.

Are you currently in contact with your father? After the divorce, were you ever able to have an honest conversation with your dad about your mom?

There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful:

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

There is a lot of helpful information here.  While you are in therapy, it can be helpful to read about various communication skills and tactics, and then try to periodically discuss some of them with your therapist. It can, also, be helpful to come here and post about various lessons and gain the input of others.

Check out a lesson or two and let us know what you think.   Mourning the fact that you never has a normal mother, like most other people, can be similar to morning a death.



 

[lu3]

Hi alydu,

I can relate to your story so much. I was also homeschooled by my BPD mother and had two little brothers whom I started teaching when I was in 2nd grade because my mother was either too "tired" or "hurt" because we did not "appreciate" her enough... .she took naps from around 11am-2pm and would then read her bible to us in the afternoon after I made lunch and did the dishes. My dad is a doctor and he left before any of us woke up and got home after 7 or 8 every night. I think it was partly because he was trying to avoid my mother, although he would never admit this. The abuse was constant, I continue to suffer PTSD from it. When we were little there was a lot more physical abuse, some of my siblings defended us when they grew bigger and stronger, although I was still seen as very weak in her eyes and she continued to abuse me physically while the emotional abuse got much worse in my teens. I moved out and stopped speaking to her a year and a half ago. It is a very long story, but when I went to college I started to realize the abuse and manipulation were not normal. The year before I left for college my mother also sought church help to cast out her demons. She asked multiple priests, most refused but one finally agreed and they had a whole ceremony at our house to cast out each of our demons. My mom had this theory that because her mother got pregnant when she was 16 and my "special friend" (I was not allowed to have a boyfriend until I was financially stable for marriage, so when I was 18 I was allowed a "special friend" great-great uncle did illegal abortions way back when, that I was going to get pregnant. So she "cast out my demons" and gave my friend no choice but to stop talking to me. I got out and it has not been easy but I have never been happier. The first 6 months were hell because I not only left my unhealthy mother but also my dad and 4 siblings. I tried to keep contact with them, but those relationships fell apart this summer and until they recognize that something wrong with my mother I am too scared to try and mend things.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I also just joined this group. Many people do not realize that this is the same as losing someone, I know I can't go back but it still hurts not having a family. To me, it is like my mother died, but people look at me like I am a villain because I don't talk to my mother.

You are not alone.