Rough Night

[fromheeltoheal]

I am on Lexapro and Welbutrin for previous issues. I see my Doctor next week. i used to have Xanax that I took on a needed basis. I definitely need it now so hopefully can get that refilled.

It's good that you're seeing a doctor.  Is it possible to ask your doctor about seeing a therapist as well, if you feel you could benefit from it?

I still want to be friends though, especially with the kids. how can I detach and still live here? He is hardly ever here so I don't see him often.

It's difficult but possible.  What we're talking about is emotional detachment, meaning you'd think about him, see him, talk to him, whatever, and it wouldn't affect you emotionally.  You mentioned you were having a panic attack when you thought they were coming over yesterday, which indicates you're not detached.

Detachment is a project and there are plenty of tools on this site for guiding you down that path.  It's very early for you and you're still in the thick of it and raw, although no time like the present yes?  Are you ready to commit to getting him out of your head and your heart, even though you're in his house?

[Herodias]

I am going to ask you what a therapist asked me... .after finding out my ex had cheated over and over and after he held me on the floor with his hand over my mouth and put a pillow over my face... ."If not this, what are your boundaries?"  So I ask you... .what are your limits? They respect you less and less for putting up with the behavior. When they are done, they are done. Unfortunately, we have been abused to the point of putting up with this cruel behavior. You sound trauma bonded and that may be why you want him to come back to you and are willing to wait. It is not stupid, it is manipulation. Start really studying about it... .you will understand. You must get strong and you must be willing to listen to your family. Your family and friends  only tell you this because they love you. Make a plan... .it's not worth your self esteem to stay and deal with this. He will only resent you for messing up his new relationship. I am so sorry you are going through this, but you may need therapy to help you here. Don't feel bad, mine brought a woman into our marital bed on Xmas and had a baby with yet another woman before we divorced. You don't want to go through that, believe me! Get away now... .Glad you are making a plan. Be careful.

[tammym1972]

I am on Lexapro and Welbutrin for previous issues. I see my Doctor next week. i used to have Xanax that I took on a needed basis. I definitely need it now so hopefully can get that refilled.

It's good that you're seeing a doctor.  Is it possible to ask your doctor about seeing a therapist as well, if you feel you could benefit from it?

I still want to be friends though, especially with the kids. how can I detach and still live here? He is hardly ever here so I don't see him often.

It's difficult but possible.  What we're talking about is emotional detachment, meaning you'd think about him, see him, talk to him, whatever, and it wouldn't affect you emotionally.  You mentioned you were having a panic attack when you thought they were coming over yesterday, which indicates you're not detached.

Detachment is a project and there are plenty of tools on this site for guiding you down that path.  It's very early for you and you're still in the thick of it and raw, although no time like the present yes?  Are you ready to commit to getting him out of your head and your heart, even though you're in his house?

Good idea about the therapist. Thank you. Yes I am ready. It wouldn't even be so hard if he were staying here. It's hard because everything looks the same but it isn't. Does that make sense?

[tammym1972]

I am going to ask you what a therapist asked me... .after finding out my ex had cheated over and over and after he held me on the floor with his hand over my mouth and put a pillow over my face... ."If not this, what are your boundaries?"  So I ask you... .what are your limits? They respect you less and less for putting up with the behavior. When they are done, they are done. Unfortunately, we have been abused to the point of putting up with this cruel behavior. You sound trauma bonded and that may be why you want him to come back to you and are willing to wait. It is not stupid, it is manipulation. Start really studying about it... .you will understand. You must get strong and you must be willing to listen to your family. Your family and friends  only tell you this because they love you. Make a plan... .it's not worth your self esteem to stay and deal with this. He will only resent you for messing up his new relationship. I am so sorry you are going through this, but you may need therapy to help you here. Don't feel bad, mine brought a woman into our marital bed on Xmas and had a baby with yet another woman before we divorced. You don't want to go through that, believe me! Get away now... .Glad you are making a plan. Be careful.

Thank you Herodias. I will look into the therapy. He is already starting to resent me and I haven't tried to interfere. I was just telling him how I felt and she read the messages and said I was playing mind games with him.

So should I start looking for a new place?

[tammym1972]

And going to my Mom's makes me feel so depressed and like a loser. I know it isn't true but that is how I feel. My Mom has her own issues but she has been supportive.

[fromheeltoheal]

It wouldn't even be so hard if he were staying here. It's hard because everything looks the same but it isn't. Does that make sense?

It does.  You're filling in the blanks and completing the relationship the way it was, but it isn't.  It's a way to keep it alive in your head, which is not what you want to do if you're trying to detach.

So should I start looking for a new place?

That would be my number 1 priority, because screw her, in my case, she doesn't get to treat me like that, no way.

And going to my Mom's makes me feel so depressed and like a loser. I know it isn't true but that is how I feel. My Mom has her own issues but she has been supportive.

Relationships with our mothers is complex, although here's an opportunity too.  She's supportive and you know it isn't true that it means you're a loser.  Could be an opportunity to bond with mom until you find somewhere to live?  And if she's anything like my mother, if won't be long until finding your own place is a good idea yes?

[tammym1972]

I just made the mistake of looking at her Facebook profile. He bought her flowers! He has never done that for anybody! He is the cheapest, miserly person ever. I can't believe it. He warned me when we were first dating that he doesn't do that sort of thing.

I fell like a discarded piece of trash.

[fromheeltoheal]

He says she is perfect for him.

Yes, and did he tell you that in the beginning too?  Relationships with borderlines go through somewhat predictable stages; check this out and see if it speaks to you   https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

I fell like a discarded piece of trash.

Well, you could label yourself that, which probably doesn't feel very good.  Or you could focus on the fact that a man who has always been disrespectful of your feelings, your words, has now done you the favor of removing himself from your life, and may likely end up treating this new gal the same way, once the honeymoon is over, yes?

[Herodias]

They become whatever they need to be with the new person. He will do things that she expects. They act totally different- try and not feel like a loser. I know that's easy to say, because I felt the same way. Once you get away and really figure out what's going on, you will feel like the winner for getting away.

[Fr4nz]

Indeed, as Herodias said BPDs are chameleons, they adapt to the characteristics of the current partner... .its called mirroring, something they do intensely at the beginning of a r/s.

And, as fromheeltoheal said, a relationship with a BPD sufferer almost always unravels in 3 phases: idealization, clinging and discard. You're seeing the first phase with his replacement. Happened to me as well, and to almost everyone writing on these forums.

Really, the only advice I can give you is to establish a total, complete NC as soon as possible, cut every tie, and focus on yourself.

Sadly, having to deal with this disorder its simply not worth it... .a big hug

[tammym1972]

So how can I start to detach when we share a house. I've been at my moms a lot but need to get back and start working. I work online and I've missed two days. I'm scared just thinking of going back. He isn't there for the most part. He's dropping his kids off for their normal overnight visit then going back to his girlfriends. So of course I have to stay there tonight and take them to school. Just wondering how I can make it easier on myself.

[tammym1972]

Thinking about going back this afternoon makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomache. I have birds and cats there I need to take care of too.

[fromheeltoheal]

So how can I start to detach when we share a house. Just wondering how I can make it easier on myself.

There's really two things tammy, there's detaching from him and there's grieving the relationship.  You can help yourself detach by reading a lot here and posting, talking to us, educating yourself on the disorder.  That will shift your focus away from him and change your perception  of him, yourself and the relationship, all good things.

And then there's grieving the relationship which is difficult when you're living in the home you shared.  If it was your home he could move out and you could change things to make it yours, part of taking your power back, but tough to do if it's his place.  To grieve you need time away from him, a lot of time, and your emotions will show up and you'll move through them on the way to your bright future.

And being the caretaker for his kids, kids that aren't yours even though you care about them, is more disrespect.  Why can't the kids stay at the girlfriend's place?  He's surely got a reason, but here's another opportunity to put your foot down yes?

[tammym1972]

I was doing so much better last night. Was actually able to eat. Today is the worst yet. Constant panic attacks. I'm staying at my moms.  She's been really good to me. I told him I can't watch the kids right now. I need healing time. Working on moving out asap. Have to run over there tonight to check on the animals and get somethings. I tried but had to turn back. Been really bad since then

[tammym1972]

I just found out the new girlfriend was texting me on his phone. I thought it was him. She's been saying mean awful things. I'm at a low point right now

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm staying at my moms.  She's been really good to me. I told him I can't watch the kids right now. I need healing time. Working on moving out asap.

Nice tammy!  Good moves.

Have to run over there tonight to check on the animals and get somethings. I tried but had to turn back. Been really bad since then

Can your mother go with you?  Would that help?

[fromheeltoheal]

I just found out the new girlfriend was texting me on his phone. I thought it was him. She's been saying mean awful things. I'm at a low point right now

Just think tammy, who takes someone's phone, poses as them, and sends mean things to someone? 

The good thing about being at a low point is the only way to go is up, and when you do climb out of this, think how awesome life will be, as you leave those two to their dysfunction and create the life of your dreams.  It will happen, one day at a time.

[tammym1972]

I went back to get stuff and my mom went with me and it helped. I have an appointment for the doctor tomorrow. It has went from bad to worse with this girl threatening and belittling me. Stuff that doesn't even make sense. She does it from his phone.

[tammym1972]

The things she says are so cruel. I know it's not true but it still really bothers me.

[fromheeltoheal]

It has went from bad to worse with this girl threatening and belittling me. Stuff that doesn't even make sense. She does it from his phone.

The things she says are so cruel. I know it's not true but it still really bothers me.

That says far more about her than it does about you tammy.  And you do have control over whether you read them or not; is it time to stop communicating with either of them?

[tammym1972]

I've blocked her number. I can't his yet. I still live in that house but been staying at my moms. Also I do t have a car been driving his. Looking back he had me completely under control. He isolated me from my friends and tried to isolate me from my mom. He hated it whenever if go see her. I know classic borderline. I don't t make a lot of money so was using his car. He talked me into renting it instead of buying one. Yes. He charged me 50 cents a mile. So it was hard to get out sometimes other than things close by. Amyway I guess I was trying to say can't block him til I get out of his place and give him back his car

[fromheeltoheal]

Looking back he had me completely under control. He isolated me from my friends and tried to isolate me from my mom.

It's good that you're starting to look back and realize things like that tammy.  Also focus on how much power you gave away, which is a way to shift the focus from him to you.

[tammym1972]

So how do I cope in the meantime. It will take a few days to get money so I can move out. I'm being forced to find a place with my mom. She has her own issues too. But at least she cares about me. Anyway I'm going to have to start spending the night at the old house too. Mom rents a room in someone else's house and I can't stay after tonight. I think ex will be gone through the weekend

[fromheeltoheal]

So how do I cope in the meantime.

First, by taking care of yourself very well, sleeping enough, eating right, drinking enough water, go light on the caffeine and booze or not at all, keep talking to us and your mom, and putting your foot down wherever you can with him.  This is a terrible thing or a great opportunity tammy, depending on what you make it mean, time to take control, own your life and create your own peace.

And then long term seems this guy has isolated you pretty well, time to start building a support system beyond your mom.  :)on't know if you're religious but church is a good way and they're all over, and I work from home on a computer too, and I find going to places like Starbucks and working is a good way to get out, meet people and get some work done all at once.  

What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

[tammym1972]

I told him I would be out by this weekend. Moving temporarily in with a friend. Leaving all the keys. We have a pet bird together that I'm just taking. He will be pissed but she's my baby and he doesn't take care of her. So kind of scared.

[fromheeltoheal]

I told him I would be out by this weekend. Moving temporarily in with a friend. Leaving all the keys. We have a pet bird together that I'm just taking. He will be pissed but she's my baby and he doesn't take care of her. So kind of scared.

There's some assertive active tammy, and good for you.  And you're a little scared because you're operating outside your comfort zone with the bird, and that's how we grow, by operating outside it on purpose.

[tammym1972]

Yes I am operating outside my comfort zone with the bird. He's always went on and on about people stealing from him. We talked briefly about me taking the bird in exchange for me watching the kids.

[tammym1972]

I'm moving away to another town about an hour away. I moved here because of him and everything here reminds me of him. I'm hoping that it will make me heal faster.

[tammym1972]

I don't know if I can move to my friends now and I have to be out by the weekend. Getting scared again. I sell online but  scared to even go to the old house to list things to make money.

[tammym1972]

Going to friends for a few days. I'm heartsick over the bird. Forced to get out in 2 days