Rough Night

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Having a rough night. My ex BPD boyfriend, who I still live with by the way, is staying overnight at his new girlfriend's house. She also has BPD and PTSD. His kids are staying there too leaving me all alone. I'm usually doing something with them.

Worse yet he is bringing her here tomorrow. Mind you they have been together less than a week. She is a lot younger than me, I'm 44 she is 27 and sounds like quite the drama queen. I'm not looking forward to it.

[tammym1972]

Having a rough night. My ex BPD boyfriend, who I still live with by the way, is staying overnight at his new girlfriend's house. She also has BPD and PTSD. His kids are staying there too leaving me all alone. I'm usually doing something with them.

Worse yet he is bringing her here tomorrow. Mind you they have been together less than a week. She is a lot younger than me, I'm 44 she is 27 and sounds like quite the drama queen. I'm not looking forward to it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Would you agree that's some pretty big boundary busting tammy?  Bringing his new girlfriend over to the home you share together?  Did he ask you if that was OK first?

[tammym1972]

Would you agree that's some pretty big boundary busting tammy?  Bringing his new girlfriend over to the home you share together?  Did he ask you if that was OK first?

No. He said if I don't like it I can move to my Mom's. This is what I get for almost 4 years of only loving him. I know I'm not perfect. I guess my big transgression according to him was not "getting" him and spending too much time on the computer. Well, I work from home on my computer so I don't have a choice.

[fromheeltoheal]

He said if I don't like it I can move to my Mom's.

So do you like it tammy?

[tammym1972]

He said if I don't like it I can move to my Mom's.

So do you like it tammy?

Not that she is coming here. I'm planning on moving out after the first of the year. The thing is we're still planning on going on vacation in December. And yes I really want to. I don't think he has completely let go of me yet. He was saying if the house was bigger I could just stay here and rent a room.

[fromheeltoheal]

Not that she is coming here. I'm planning on moving out after the first of the year. The thing is we're still planning on going on vacation in December. And yes I really want to. I don't think he has completely let go of me yet. He was saying if the house was bigger I could just stay here and rent a room.

It's common to give away our power in these relationships, I certainly did, and part of detaching, most of it really, is taking our power back.  You didn't ask for my opinion, but to offer it, him bringing his new girlfriend over to the home you share without giving you a say in the matter, except to leave, is very disrespectful.  Is it time to put your foot down?  And is part of your anticipation for the vacation you thinking you might get him back?  If that's what you want that's cool, just best to be clear on your motives and where they come from yes?

[tammym1972]

It's common to give away our power in these relationships, I certainly did, and part of detaching, most of it really, is taking our power back.  You didn't ask for my opinion, but to offer it, him bringing his new girlfriend over to the home you share without giving you a say in the matter, except to leave, is very disrespectful.  Is it time to put your foot down?  And is part of your anticipation for the vacation you thinking you might get him back?  If that's what you want that's cool, just best to be clear on your motives and where they come from yes?

I know it is stupid but I do want him back. I thought we were going to be together forever. He told me we would and I belived him.

He has always been disrespectful of my feeling. this is nothing new.

[Larmoyant]

Hi tammym1972, wow, he's seriously disrespectful. Can I ask if his new girlfriend knows about the vacation plans between you two? I'm concerned about your welfare if she decides this isn't on and he agrees.

[fromheeltoheal]

I know it is stupid but I do want him back. I thought we were going to be together forever. He told me we would and I belived him.

He has always been disrespectful of my feeling. this is nothing new.

I don't think it's stupid, I think you're emotionally enmeshed with someone who doesn't treat you very well, and most of us have been there, we understand.

Checking in tammy, it's now "tomorrow", how's it going over there?

Something to think about moving forward, just think about a little, is that you say you want to be in a relationship with someone forever who has always been disrespectful towards your feelings.  Don't hear a judgment there, there isn't one, just something to think about moving forward.

[tammym1972]

Hi tammym1972, wow, he's seriously disrespectful. Can I ask if his new girlfriend knows about the vacation plans between you two? I'm concerned about your welfare if she decides this isn't on and he agrees.

Yes she know and she's not happy about it, she's not happy about me living here either. I'll just take it one day at a time.

[tammym1972]

I know it is stupid but I do want him back. I thought we were going to be together forever. He told me we would and I belived him.

He has always been disrespectful of my feeling. this is nothing new.

I don't think it's stupid, I think you're emotionally enmeshed with someone who doesn't treat you very well, and most of us have been there, we understand.

Checking in tammy, it's now "tomorrow", how's it going over there?

Something to think about moving forward, just think about a little, is that you say you want to be in a relationship with someone forever who has always been disrespectful towards your feelings.  Don't hear a judgment there, there isn't one, just something to think about moving forward.

They are on their way over here and I'm a nervous wreck. I have heart issues and it's making them worse. I don't know if I should stay or leave before they get here.

[fromheeltoheal]

They are on their way over here and I'm a nervous wreck. I have heart issues and it's making them worse. I don't know if I should stay or leave before they get here.

If you were going to do what's best for you, and only you, what would you do?

[Rayban]

@Tammy,

This is not what you want to hear, but you're planning to vacation with an ex is telling you he's bringing another woman to the home you share, and if you don't like it move to you're moms house.

I don't see how this is good for you? He is thinking about himself only. You should do the same and start thinking about what's best for you.

Accepting this arrangement would mean you give yourself totally to him.  Even if that means
Sharing his company with another woman.

If his relationship persists with this other woman, how do you invision you're vacation with him?

[tammym1972]

I know you guys are right. I just texted him and said I'd be here for part of the time that she's here and she would just have to deal with it. He texted me back how rude that was and that she reads his messages! and to only text him if it's an emergency. he's already controlled by her.

She put up pictures of his kids on her Facebook page which is another slap in the face because they feel like my kids too.

I'm just scared and alone. I have panic attack issues and I feel like I'm having one.

I moved here to Indiana 4 years ago by myself started dating him right after. I work from home so I don't know many people. My Mom is out here now but I don't want to tell her because she'll say I told you so. I didn't get out much because he would feel abandoned if I did stuff with other people.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm just scared and alone. I have panic attack issues and I feel like I'm having one.

My Mom is out here now but I don't want to tell her because she'll say I told you so.

She might say that, and where would it come from, because she loves you?  Time to be around supportive people who want what's best for you now tammy, and extreme selfishness is your friend.  Please keep us posted OK?

[tammym1972]

ok, thank you for listening to me ramble!

[tammym1972]

Well I ended up not seeing her after all, just at a distance. He just came home to get some things and go back to her place. They work together so they pretty much together 24/7 now. I'm also not supposed to text him unless it's an emergency.

I'm so hurt and confused.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm so hurt and confused.

I'm sorry tammy.  Do you ever get mad at him?

[tammym1972]

I'm sorry tammy.  :)o you ever get mad at him?

Yes I'm mad now, but more hurt. I just can't believe he is treating me so cruelly. We had a great relations, maybe 2 fights in the time that we were together. The last couple of months is when he started to change, went off on a business trip without me and go to thinking.

He complained that we didn't do enough together. This new girl is into guns and hunting which I am definitely not. But we did do a lot together, just not everything. I thought it was healthy to have our own hobbies too.

His other big complain was that I forget stuff easily. I do sometimes. Just an issue of mine I guess.

But this new girl is so many things he said he didn't want in a relationship. From what I understand she fights with people a lot. He said he would never date someone like that since his ex fiance fought with him a lot. Both girl's have BPD so I guess that is the draw.

One other thing. He was always after me to lose weight and yes I am overweight I agree, but this girl is literally 300 pounds.

So yes, after all that rambling I am mad!

[fromheeltoheal]

Telling you your faults is cruel tammy, and you don't need to buy into them.  Consider that he's saying those things to justify his behavior, and you are who you are, we all deserve partners who accept us the way we are, warts and all, and if he's not willing to do that, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then that's him.  But don't buy it.

I'm sorry you're hurt, I would be too.  And anger can be your friend right now.  That could sound like "screw you pal, if you don't want to be with me you're missing out, go hang out with Miss Piggy, I'm outta here!"  Or something.  But you get the point, if he doesn't want to be with you, it might be best to sever things so you can begin grieving and healing.  But then there's that vacation right?  Who knows, he's only been with her a week I think I remember, so who knows what will happen by then yes?

[tammym1972]

Telling you your faults is cruel tammy, and you don't need to buy into them.  Consider that he's saying those things to justify his behavior, and you are who you are, we all deserve partners who accept us the way we are, warts and all, and if he's not willing to do that, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then that's him.  But don't buy it.

I'm sorry you're hurt, I would be too.  And anger can be your friend right now.  That could sound like "screw you pal, if you don't want to be with me you're missing out, go hang out with Miss Piggy, I'm outta here!"  Or something.  But you get the point, if he doesn't want to be with you, it might be best to sever things so you can begin grieving and healing.  But then there's that vacation right?  Who knows, he's only been with her a week I think I remember, so who knows what will happen by then yes?

Yes, just a week. I'm hoping that they will get tired of each other. Who know. I'm taking one day at a time.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, just a week. I'm hoping that they will get tired of each other. Who know. I'm taking one day at a time.

One day at a time is good.  And anger can be your friend, as well as selfishness, which gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give.

[tammym1972]

It just gets worse and worse. Now he's bringing her over in the morning. And she's sleeping in my bed. He's not allowed to talk to either. I finally left and went to my moms. I'm moving out asap.

[Larmoyant]

Hi tammym, I know it's painful, but you've made the right decision. Taking care of yourself and not allowing him to hurt you like this. Be strong 

[fromheeltoheal]

I finally left and went to my moms. I'm moving out asap.

Nice! Good for you tammy. I know it hurts, but putting your needs first right now is the best thing you can do, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Take care of you!

[Fr4nz]

Having a rough night. My ex BPD boyfriend, who I still live with by the way, is staying overnight at his new girlfriend's house. She also has BPD and PTSD. His kids are staying there too leaving me all alone. I'm usually doing something with them.

Worse yet he is bringing her here tomorrow. Mind you they have been together less than a week. She is a lot younger than me, I'm 44 she is 27 and sounds like quite the drama queen. I'm not looking forward to it.

That's a big boundary busting and a complete lack in understanding your feelings. Kick him out, if you can, or move out.

[tammym1972]

That's a big boundary busting and a complete lack in understanding your feelings. Kick him out, if you can, or move out.

I can't kick him out because it is his house. He was here before me. I plan on moving out as soon as I get the money. Had to stay at my Mom's last night. I feel like a total fool because she is just renting a room so I had to sleep with her but she was understanding.

I'm back at his place now. They are at her place the rest of the week. Trying not to have panic attacks right now.

[tammym1972]

I'm here at the house but it is so hard. Obviously everywhere I look it reminds me of him. I can't keep running to my Mom's though. I work from home on the computer and I have to get things done.

How can I make it better?

[fromheeltoheal]

How can I make it better?

It's possible in that situation to take your power back and create your own serenity, although it's difficult.  Have you seen a doctor about the panic attacks?  Medication may be the recommendation, although you can also meditate, take deep breaths, control what you focus on, all ways of creating your own personal bliss regardless of what's going on.

Or you could just leave right away, whatever that takes, it would be easier emotionally, and I know you want him back, but he's in a place where he's got some major behavior modification to do before you'll take him yes?

BTW, we do have Saving and Deciding boards here too, where you'll get better input depending where you are.  This is the Detaching board, meaning you're done and you want to move on.  Let us know what fits best for you and we can move the thread.

[tammym1972]

It's possible in that situation to take your power back and create your own serenity, although it's difficult.  Have you seen a doctor about the panic attacks?  Medication may be the recommendation, although you can also meditate, take deep breaths, control what you focus on, all ways of creating your own personal bliss regardless of what's going on.

Or you could just leave right away, whatever that takes, it would be easier emotionally, and I know you want him back, but he's in a place where he's got some major behavior modification to do before you'll take him yes?

BTW, we do have Saving and Deciding boards here too, where you'll get better input depending where you are.  This is the Detaching board, meaning you're done and you want to move on.  Let us know what fits best for you and we can move the thread.

I am on Lexapro and Welbutrin for previous issues. I see my Doctor next week. i used to have Xanax that I took on a needed basis. I definitely need it now so hopefully can get that refilled.

I do need to detach because I will never get him back when he is with this girl. He says she is perfect for him. I'm not even allowed to text him unless it is an emergency because she reads his texts and he's afraid of loosing her.

I still want to be friends though, especially with the kids. how can I detach and still live here? He is hardly ever here so I don't see him often.