Still triggered by friends' comments

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello

I went no contact with my exBPD fiance about a week ago, and have been starting to feel better. But I've been living in a little bubble and wanted to go to a friends Halloween get together last night.

I have no idea how to answer simple questions, like "How are you?".  When I start to explain the relationship and how it failed, I try to simplify and just say we fought a lot and had a lot of drama.  One girl last night was trying to listen I guess... .and I said he gave me a ring after 2 months, and she says "well that should have been your first warning sign right there!".

I know she doesn't understand the situation, and it's futile to try to talk about it in a party setting. It just really upsets me that I can't talk about it in a normal way or have barely anyone understand.  And I really need support and feel really isolated when I can't talk about my feelings and my life.  I don't know sometimes I try to say I found out he had a personality disorder, but I'm scared that this just makes ME sound more crazy that I was involved.

I'm wondering how the rest of you deal with this. I'm really not the kind of person to just say "I'm fine" when I'm really not.

Oh, there was another time I tried to talk to a different friend about it.  I started getting really worked up in my conversation when talking about the relationship. She actually stopped me and said "Can we not talk about this anymore? You're getting really emotional".

That just actually makes me really angry.  I almost lost my temper on her. I don't consider this person a friend. I'm going to start therapy tomorrow with my old therapist.  I'm not sure if many of my friends will be able to listen to me except for certain very understanding friends. This is so disappointing.  Struggling and feeling isolated... .

[jasmine-1234]

Hello

I went no contact with my exBPD fiance about a week ago, and have been starting to feel better. But I've been living in a little bubble and wanted to go to a friends Halloween get together last night.

I have no idea how to answer simple questions, like "How are you?".  When I start to explain the relationship and how it failed, I try to simplify and just say we fought a lot and had a lot of drama.  One girl last night was trying to listen I guess... .and I said he gave me a ring after 2 months, and she says "well that should have been your first warning sign right there!".

I know she doesn't understand the situation, and it's futile to try to talk about it in a party setting. It just really upsets me that I can't talk about it in a normal way or have barely anyone understand.  And I really need support and feel really isolated when I can't talk about my feelings and my life.  I don't know sometimes I try to say I found out he had a personality disorder, but I'm scared that this just makes ME sound more crazy that I was involved.

I'm wondering how the rest of you deal with this. I'm really not the kind of person to just say "I'm fine" when I'm really not.

Oh, there was another time I tried to talk to a different friend about it.  I started getting really worked up in my conversation when talking about the relationship. She actually stopped me and said "Can we not talk about this anymore? You're getting really emotional".

That just actually makes me really angry.  I almost lost my temper on her. I don't consider this person a friend. I'm going to start therapy tomorrow with my old therapist.  I'm not sure if many of my friends will be able to listen to me except for certain very understanding friends. This is so disappointing.  Struggling and feeling isolated... .

[rfriesen]

Hi Jasmine,

Yes, this can be one of the hardest things after the collapse of these kinds of relationships. We know from our own experience that it's a normal break-up, but others might not understand that. I had a few longterm relationships before I was with my ex, and they had always ended on decent or even friendly terms. There was pain that a romantic relationship was ending, but nothing that turned my life upside down. It can be very frustrating and painful when we're hurting on a whole other level and those close to us figure we're simply dealing with another normal break-up but refusing to "just move on".

As you already see for yourself, you can't force people to listen or understand. You say you have a few very understanding friends. I would say focus on speaking with them about this, when you need to talk about it. Also be aware of your own emotions as you talk about the relationship. That can be a good exercise in observing yourself, and will let you convey to your friends that you realise that it isn't normal to be so unsettled after a break-up, but that what you're experiencing is not a normal break-up. If they're good friends and good listeners, they should be able to at least partly understand what you're going through. It's a challenge, though, to restrain ourselves and not talk endlessly about the ruminations, etc. Be aware that your friends might not understand the extent of your pain and might understandably reach a point when they want to talk about something else.

That's where I think it can be extremely helpful to speak with a therapist. I saw a therapist after my break-up and I saved most of my long-winded analysis of the relationship and break-up for my sessions with her. After all, it's what she was there for, and she has the training to provide more constructive feedback than friends or family.

It's hard, no question. And having thoughts about the relationship running constantly through our minds can leave us feeling isolated from what's happening around us. Eventually, I tried just to accept that I would have to get on with things while all those thoughts and emotions were running in the background. But it does take a while for them to move to the background and let us breathe enough to stay connected with what's around us. All I can say is keep trying to get on with activities and social events that feel healthy and that are important to you, keep talking to close friends, talk with your therapist, and be patient with yourself. Show yourself some compassion and understanding. It's normal to be struggling and to feel frustrated. Allow yourself to work through those emotions over time.

[sad but wiser]

Hello.  Don't worry.  Things will get better.  Therapy is a GREAT idea!  The therapist can listen and should be able to help you work this all out.  There are many emotions involved.
  I personally found a lot of support right here.  I learned I was not alone.  Many people were loving and helpful.  Parties aren't really good places to talk about deep personal things, so look for more one on one situations.
   As for what happened, I found it helpful to say, "I really appreciate your concern, but I'm not up to talking about it just now."  "Isn't Karol's costume cute... .?"  Etc.  This way, you don't have to struggle and it gives you a break from it too.  Best of luck.

[jasmine-1234]

Yes thank you.  I am trying to be patient with myself and be somewhat detached from people's reactions. I have not told a lot of people yet that we broke it off because that will lead to a lot of people say on facebook that I don't know very well to ask questions.  I've only told very close friends.

This forum has been very helpful. I started seeing one therapist for only 2 sessions and she did not offer much insight or feedback about any of the BPD stuff. I don't know if she's had experience with it or not. In any case I've changed back to my old therapist I saw about 2 years ago, at least she is familiar with me a bit. 

I'm trying to realize that people are trying to be helpful, to give a canned response.  But it still hurts when I feel the situation is oversimplified or that I was just not noticing the red flags. I guess that is a reflection on my own self esteem, that I feel they are saying I have poor judgement. Which I guess I do, but the way our relationship evolved/devolved I felt was a series of financial and emotional traps.  It became harder and harder to break up because he was basically forced to live with me because we spent up so much money we couldn't maintain his separate apartment any more. Sure I could have made more drama then but like you all know sometimes it seems like more effort to fight it then go with it.

I'm hoping the therapy goes well on Tuesday... .

[sad but wiser]

Good job!  You are trying to get your balance and sense of direction, not an easy task.  If you work and can be financially independent, I would encourage you to do so asap.  It doesn't matter if he made himself dependent upon you, he can just go,and make himself undependent on you again.  Period.  No contact is heaven.

[jasmine-1234]

Thank you.

Still I am an uncontrollable ball of crying today. It just brought up all of the feelings of him. I can't even pinpoint what it is I'm sad about. I'm sad about him, for me, just very very lonely feeling... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey jasmine-

It just really upsets me that I can't talk about it in a normal way or have barely anyone understand.

We understand, we've been there, and we'll listen jasmine, always.  A week isn't very long after 7 months, you're still raw and in the thick of it, and I understand the need to talk and be understood.

It's great you are going to see a therapist, and that and us make a good treatment plan.  Talking to other people in your life, while they may mean well, may not be the best idea because they don't understand, you're right, and may say things like "oh just get over it", which can actually make it worse because it may tie into any invalidation you got from your ex in the relationship.  Relationships with borderlines are complex and touch us in ways most of us didn't see coming, best to talk to folks who can relate, which leaves us and your therapist for now yes?

It's also helpful to make detachment a project, something you will get through, and you can check on your progress by checking out the stages over there ---------->

Also, once you complete the project and graduate from borderlines school, what does your future look like?  I know, it's early, don't want to think about that, don't go there, but if at some future date you were living the life of your dreams what would that look like?  :)oesn't have to be anything real or fixed now, it's just helpful to have something to move towards, while you grieve, process and detach.  Take care of you!

[sad but wiser]

It is ok to cry.  It is ok to feel fooled.  It is ok to grieve.  Be gentle with yourself.

[jasmine-1234]

Thanks so much everyone. 

I guess I'm still having this dilemma about how to tell everyone. He actually gave me the ring in June but I didn't announce it until mid-Sept because I was so confused.  I stupidly thought announcing it would make him feel better .  Still, I kicked him out only about one week after I announced our engagement on Facebook!  Argh what a mess.

Now I feel most of my friends think I'm on my happy way to marriage and homemaking, and it's the complete opposite.  I have slowly started to tell my closer friends. I guess in a way it's nice because I'm in this little bubble and no one is bothering me (also we became more and more isolated over time).  So I'm trying to take advantage of this time to heal a bit.

I'm supposed to be going to AA meetings every day. I go back and forth between trying to deal with my addictions and sorting out this relationship.  Sometimes I feel so sensitive it's difficult to go to the meetings and hear everyone else's emotions. 

This is helping me a lot!  And being able to offer some small bits of advice or consolation to others makes me feel it's not all in vain.

[sad but wiser]

 

[Pretty Woman]

Friends won't understand if they have not been in a relationship like this. They will say, "Just move on"... .and they are well-meaning, but they don't know how Co-d and emeshed you were with your ex.

I learned to just talk to my therapist or post here. My closest, oldest and dearest friends were very supportive. I actually lost some friends during this because they were total a-holes and very nasty while I was to be honest, suicidal during the darkest times.

It's hard to pretend everything is alright when it isn't.

I am glad you went out to a party. That is the hardest part when you are still grieving. What helped me is going to Meetups. Do you have meetups in your area?

Strangers can't hurt you. That is one thing my Grandma said helped her when my grandfather died. People who didn't know her couldn't say anything she would take to heart. I will say this was good advice for me. I went out, made new friends and didn't talk about my ex.

Believe me, we broke up 13x before the final discard and I would talk about my ex ad nauseum. I honestly am surprised I have friends after that 

Try to keep conversation about your ex here and with your therapist. It really helps in your healing. Go meet new people. Meetup helped because there were activities so we'd go to a play, or play volleyball, or go do indoor rock climbing. Activity with strangers took my mind off my ex... .at least for a few hours. Cut yourself some slack and give your mind a break. I understand the triggers. It will take time but you will come out of this a much stronger woman.

 
PW

[jasmine-1234]

Thanks Pretty Woman

Yes i am thoroughly impressed with the feedback here! Way better than I could have ever imagined. Even getting to just write out some of the crazy things that happened makes me feel better.

Someone else has been telling me about Meetups. I think I'll try it! I actually went to yoga class the other day, which is something I hadn't done in about  a year!  I forgot how good it makes me feel!

Now that I'm sober too and much more careful, I'm seeing how I get sucked into sob people's stories. I am so horrible at saying no to people when they are in need. It feels good to be able to notice it earlier now, although still very hard to say no.

I too have only a few friends that can understand and listen. I guess that's really a testamant to the kind of friends they are. I feel like I've neglected them lately so it feels nice to actually have time to spend with them.

Thank you!

[Aussie0zborn]

This is a very emotional time and we are super sensitive. Would it be easier to say in a very matter-of-fact manner, "I'm not well but thanks for asking. I've just come out of a bad relationship but how are YOU - is that the new Metallica t-shirt you're wearing?" If you need to tell anybody what happened, you can simply say, "it didn't work out".

In my experience, you get two types of reactions if you explain it in detail :

1. They don't know or understand what you're talking about and this makes you look like the crazy one for staying in it for as long as you did.

2. People who have had the experience or are presently experiencing it will open up and share their stories. The surprise here as that you thought they were in a happy relationship when they're not - just as they had thought that you had a happy relationship.

There is no need to take offence when someone says, "well that should have been a warning sign right there" because it's true - it was a warning sign and you missed it. Not her fault. Not your fault. You are probably just very sensitive right now. As for your friend who asked you to stop talking  about it, perhaps it was too much for somebody who is it familiar with this? Perhaps she is hiding her own BPD? Our sensitivity at this time is high and it might be best to simply identify who fits in where.

As for people thinking you're on your way to matrimonial bliss, don't dwell too much on it. Being straight with people and saying, "it didn't work out" is fine and it gets easier each time you say it.

You mentioned isolation and this sensitivity - while being fully warranted,  expected and natural - could perhaps cause you a measure of self isolation. You sound like you have a good grip on things and that's very promising. As time goes by you will be less sensitive and interactions with others will improve. Just work out who you can talk to in depth and who you can't. Just because someone invites you to talk about it, it doesn't mean you can rave on for three hours non-stop. Pause frequently and wait for feedback. Measure the level of interest before you carry on. You'll soon work it out and it will all come together for you.