Introducing Myself - An Adult Child of a BP Mother

[tinygiraffe]

Hi Everyone - I'm so glad to have found this place. I'm looking forward to learning from others and offering support. I just wanted to do a general introduction since I am new here. I am overwhelmed (in a good way) at all the information and threads here, so before I dive in I thought this would be a good way to start.

About two months ago, my Dad decided to divorce my mom after almost 30 years of marriage. He also revealed he had been having an affair with a woman for the past 3 years and was going to continue that relationship. My mom has exhibited what I now know as BPD traits my whole life, but the stress and emotional impact of divorce has exaggerated all the traits and made them much more obvious. She is very much still in love with my Dad so even if she didn't have BPD this news would be devastating. But because she does have BPD she is absolutely hysterical and acting inappropriate in every way.

My mom has always admitted she is mentally ill. She claims having major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder and PTSD from childhood abuse. She sees a psychiatrist for all this but not a therapist. She nor her doctor (as far as I know) have ever mentioned BPD as a possible diagnosis. I accepted these diagnosis for all my life until now. I think my Dad did too, although when I told him what I suspected a few weeks ago, he revealed he has always suspected BPD too. Although my Dad is now supposedly in love with someone else, he's first and foremost leaving my mom because of her BPD.

Since the divorce, my mom has taken over my life like never before - which is saying a lot because life with her has always been incredibly difficult. It made me truly reach my breaking point. I started searching the internet for any other explanation for her behavior. None of the other diagnoses ever seemed right to me. Learning about them never offered any clarity for how deal with her. When I started to read about BPD, suddenly my life with my mom made sense. It has been a heartbreaking couple months, because I now realize just how little control I have over her life and how grim her outlook is. But as someone who at least at this point wants to keep a relationship with my BP mother, it has offered so much clarity. It has been validating, it has freed me of some guilt, and is showing how I have to behave to be healthy. I've read several books on the topic and I'm working with a therapist. I'm hoping that participating here will be another piece in the puzzle of taking my life back.

Thanks everyone.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome tinygiraffe: 
I'm so sorry about the situation with your parents.  I'm thinking that with your mom seeing a psychiatrist, she is likely on meds and not there for any extensive counseling.  The situation can possibly be better, when you are dealing with someone who admits to being mentally ill.  Is there any chance of talking her into some therapy sessions with a psychologist?

I'm thinking you will find it helpful to be in therapy and learn some strategy from this website at the same time.  It can be advantageous to discuss some specific strategy and tools with your therapist during a session and perhaps practice some techniques.

There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful:

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

VALIDATION

Check some of the links out and let us know what you think.  Might boundaries be a good place for you to start?  Validation can be a good tool.

[tinygiraffe]

Thanks so much for the kind welcome and the helpful links. I will definitely peruse them and start talking to my therapist about them. Boundaries are where I have started first but it is still very new and difficult. But I know it can be a slow process so I'm trying to be patient.

You are correct that my mother sees her psychiatrist mainly just for medication management. Unfortunately, getting her into "talk therapy" is something I have had to let go of right now. She is convinced that therapy can't help her with her depression or bi-polar, claiming that she has already been through so much therapy. This is actually not true. She went to therapy 20+ years ago for about a year to deal with childhood trauma. I think that helped her a lot but that was a long time ago and not for very long. And she doesn't recognize herself as BP so that's not something she would seek treatment for. She is willing to go to counseling to focus on the grief over the divorce. Somehow though there's a million excuses as to why she can't find someone. Not the right person, doesn't take the insurance, there's no openings right now etc. She found someone and started emailing him before she even went into her first session and decided she didn't like is attitude and cancelled her appointment. As you are probably familiar with, it's a dead-end conversation every time that usually ends in her being offended at me bringing it up and then saying things that feel hurtful to me. Letting go of what I can't control is a huge part of this process for me.

Thanks again for welcoming me to the group. I really look forward to being involved. 

[catclaw]

Hey tinygiraffe. Welcome!

Reading your post just made me very emotional... all of this, except for some minor details (my mom does not see a psychiatrist, claims to be perfectly healthy despite being mistreated as a kid, my parents' dovorce ended after 25 years and my dad's affair was 2 years, but hey, the rest is mostly identical ^^) , could be my story. Even the reasons for not gping into therapy (didn't answer the phone, is on hliday, does not take new patients, too far away, too expensive) and claiming to see a "life coach" of whom she doesn't know the name, keeps talking about him (or sometimes her) being in different towns and not knowing the exact address. My therapist says that the idea of her having to give up on patterns is too much of a threat for her and that this might be the reason why she does everything to avoid this.

Only recently I started struggling with the idea of my mom having a uBPD, but there are so many signs... I'm usually over at the step-parenting board, as my stepson's mom has BPD.

I hope you're ok with me asking some questions. If not, just don't answer them

Do you have any siblings?
Does your mother use you as a therapist during the divorce and if so, did you manage to establish a boundary?
Are there instants where you have strong negative feelings about a situation and then find out that actually it's your mom's feelings you're acting out "by proxy"? This might be my main problem in our (scarily symbiotic) mother/daughter relationship and i wonder if other people experience the same.

Good to have you here

[Woolspinner2000]

Let me join the others here in welcoming you, Tinygiraffe. 

You certainly have a lot on your plate with the current situation and upheaval in your family. I bet you feel quite overwhelmed. What are you doing to allow yourself some R and R? It is much needed for all of us, especially here, so let me encourage you to find time to be kind to yourself. Self help and healing is paramount to being able to help others. In this case, YOU get to come first for once. 

As I read your posts, I thought I would attach a link to a book that was written by a woman who's mom was also a BPD. I will post the link to the book and review here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298995.0

Please keep us informed and up to date!

 
Wools

[tinygiraffe]

Thanks catclaw and Wools for more kind welcomes.

Wools - self care is something I talk a lot about in therapy and have to continuously remind myself to do. I definitely have issues feeling guilty anytime I just take time for myself, but I'm working on it. Thank you for the book recommendation! I find a lot of comfort when I relax and read books about BPD or journal about my feelings. So I guess that is one form of self care that I do partake in.

catclaw - Oh my gosh, our situations are eerily similar. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through/have gone through this, but it is always nice to hear I'm not alone.

To answer your questions:
I am an only child.

Absolutely my mom has tried to use me as a therapist during the divorce. She actually has always tried to do this, it's just that now she's more in need of a therapist than ever before, and she can't use my dad as one the way she used to. So yes, more than ever. I have very, very, very slowly, painstakingly started to establish boundaries. She did not take it well at first. She of course didn't see herself using me as a therapist. She saw it as "venting with a friend" uggg. She is now understanding when I don't want to be her therapist on the topic of her relationship with my dad and the divorce, but it's my responsibility to speak up and say "no more right now". She told me she cannot stop herself from talking about him. But it's progress from before where if I told her "I can't listen to you talk about Dad", she would say "I know it's not your fault, but I have no one else to talk to. I am all alone". When she asks me for very direct advice about other life situations or relationships, I say I'm not comfortable with that, but I'm here to listen. Most of the time that upsets her but it's something I have continued to do. My therapist says boundaries are for us, not the other person. She may not respect them but I still have to put them up. Long winded answer to say yes, I'm definitely in the therapist role have you had a similar issue?

Absolutely again to projecting feelings onto me and me believing them. I kind of picture it like planting a seed. I was extremely angry with my dad about the affair he had, and especially that he was going to stay with her. But I don't remember ever thinking I would stop speaking to my dad if he didn't leave her. However, my mom started talking about how she couldn't believe he was "choosing her over his own daughter", "how can he ever expect to have a relationship with you if he's still with her" etc. I started to believe it's what I wanted. I told my mom I was going to threaten to not speak to my dad until he left Carol (his girlfriend). Finally, I found out my mom told my Dad this without asking me and I was devastated. Suddenly I realized that wasn't what I wanted at all. I was still angry but I could never imagine not speaking to my dad. Interestingly enough, after I told my mom and my dad that wasn't what I wanted, my mom took a turn for the worst in depression and neediness. The thought of me not talking to my dad because of Carol was very comforting to her but she felt guilty for that. So she told herself it was what I actually wanted. I really don't believe she has any idea she planted that in my head, but it still sucks so much. I have to be very careful to check in with myself if I have strong feelings towards others after talking to my mom and ask myself if they are really my own. Long winded answer again to YES. Definitely.

I'd love to hear more about your experience dealing with your parents divorce. Thanks for reaching out 

[catclaw]

To answer your questions:
I am an only child.

This makes it even harder for you :/ My (much) older half-brother used to have my part in this drama for most of his life but now he reteats more and more from our mother and my FOO to find a way to basically stay sane. Now I kind of got promoted, which is the weirdest thing ever.

She did not take it well at first. She of course didn't see herself using me as a therapist. She saw it as "venting with a friend" uggg.

I got the same response regularly. I vehemently reminded her that I am her DAUGHTER. When she felt she wouldn't get to vent to me like she would to a friend, she said "yeah, but you're a professional. You DO counselling at work, don't you?". Again, I had to be very clear that yes, it's my job to talk to people and families BUT that she is my MOTHER, not a client. And that I will never be able to take her care of her therapeutic needs because of this. I sometimes feld like I had to justify as to why I help these people and not her, I even caught myself giving her a lecture on professionalism in my field of work and quoting scientific texts to prove my point. It was strange.

she would say "I know it's not your fault, but I have no one else to talk to. I am all alone".

My brother has this theory, that she keeps her social relationshsips on an absolute minimum to be able to control the impact. She has me, my husband, my brother (rarely though) and 1-2 friends who have major familiar problems and no need for help themselves. And she keeps ringing up my dad and his new fiancé (not the one he had an affair with, thank got, she was a major narcicisst and dangerous to the bone, and this is clearly my and not my mom's opinion) when she needs something (esp. medical stuff like injections or pills, my dad is a professional is this field, which is pretty convenient), but he's too weak to set boundaries. She even develops strong physical symptoms that make her a lot needier for help. She knows, these symptoms don't have a physical, but a psychologial cause, but feels like they will just go away if she just does her meditation. Ok then.
Could this be the case with your mom as well? Is she, objectively, alone and has nobody? If so, why is this the case? Did she lose friendships due to her depression? Or has she been a loner before thee divorce, too?

she couldn't believe he was "choosing her over his own daughter", "how can he ever expect to have a relationship with you if he's still with her" etc. I started to believe it's what I wanted.The thought of me not talking to my dad because of Carol was very comforting to her but she felt guilty for that. So she told herself it was what I actually wanted. I have to be very careful to check in with myself if I have strong feelings towards others after talking to my mom and ask myself if they are really my own.

I actually really went NC with my dad. But it had other reasons that were more prominent than him leaving my mom. He went totally nuts for a while and when I saw him in town with this other woman and asked him about the elephant in the room, he would ask me to see a psychiatrist and get on antipsychotic medication, which was more triggering to me than anything concerning the relationship between my parents. But anyway, I know the phrasing. She tells me and my brother "for me it's OK, I get along, but for catclaw it must be so hard. What father does this to his daughter.". It went as far as my brother having to cancel his wedding party because I (all of a sudden) felt a deep and unfounded hatred towards one of his close female friends and my mother explained to him how hard it was for me to see another woman taking my place in the only man's life in my FOO that I still trust. We talked about this months later and to this day, I can't explain what happened. My brother knows the dynamic and has had the discussion about projection a million times with her, so he's not mad at me but understands that I am actually OK and well but that the dynamic keeps dragging me in at times. He also clearly states that "my mother and I have nothing to talk about if you don't have a problem. So if you don't, she will open one to keep up our relationship". Gladly, we're in close contact about this and share information to not be able to get split. Since she lost that handle, her symptoms got even worse. She's losing control.
Are you able to verbalize what is happening with your dad? It will feel like betrayal to your mom, but as I see it, the triad in your case is just your mother, your father and you. Your mother will not be open for any rational discussion (emotions = facts), yet your dad might be the one to help ypu set boundaries. The question is, how do you get out of the shooting range between your mom and dad. Or is this something you already worked out for yourself and practise and feel comfortable with?

One thing that is showing is that the family dnyamics made everyone (except for my mother) look mentally unstable. We were 100% positive that my dad has NPD, my brother struggled with the thought of being on the Autism Spectre because of the way his relatinships felt and I was in and out of treatment throughout my teens for issues that have never been confirmed. The only sane person in our family was (from an outside view) actually my mother. This is my main issue in life right now and lots of my insecurities and self-worth issues seem to have their roots there.

(Btw, excuse me if I sound rude and all of my typos, I'm not native in english and I mostly type from a smartphone with a foreign autocorrect ^^)

[tinygiraffe]

Hi Catclaw, I know it's been a long time since your last reply and I wanted to let you know I did read your post. My mom attempted suicide shortly after that and since then it has been day-to-day survival mode for me. She is physically okay now but I am so overwhelmed the thought of writing replies right now is just too much for my brain. Your experiences are so similar to mine and it has been so helpful to hear your perspective and how you've dealt with it. I'm sure I will be back to writing in the boards soon and in the meantime I will still be lurking and reading  Take care.

[Woolspinner2000]

Tinygiraffe,

I just noticed your post about your uBPDm's suicide attempt! I am so sorry!   How are you doing and how is she doing now? Is this the first time she has ever attempted suicide?

I imagine your mind is barely functioning due to the emotional fog that sets in after something very stressful like this. Please share what you feel comfortable with, and anything that will help you process through your feelings. I'm sure it is all mixed together and hard to sort out the myriad of emotions. We don't mind the jumble. It's what we are glad to do to help you get through this.

 
Wools

[catclaw]

Hey tiny 

I'm so sorry to read that. Take all the time you need!

If there's anything we can do to support you, we are here.

The most important thing: none of this is your fault! 

Take good care of yourself!