Perhaps I am now addicted to the euphoria of being with a borderline

[tafkas]

I just thought I'd put the following out there and would welcome feedback. It is 16 months since she threw me in the trash can and for 15 of those 16 months I made very little progress. At month 16 I had the Eureka moment and realised I had been in love with a borderline. Suddenly all the actions made sense. However, one thing my therapist has stressed is that there was no cure, only management of the condition, which to a large degree I was doing anyway. He stressed that her nasty, vindictive, manipulative actions should not be blamed purely on her clinical condition. They were still aimed at me, the only one in her life that truly loved and cared for her. I therefore still have some right to take those actions personally.

She self destructed in a big way three times during our nine years and the last one was terminal. I had tried to insist on her seeing a therapist and she refused. True to the stats the relationship then died. Every time she tried to ruin things I dragged it back from the brink of the abyss because I could see the potential was huge. When it was good I was the happiest I've ever been.  I have really struggled seeing that potential disappear. It felt like I was constantly reaching out over a cliff edge trying to grab her hand. It was as if the 'good' her was reaching out wanting to be saved. Yet, there was an 'evil' her that was grabbing on the legs of the 'good' version. Eventually, she lost her grip and I watched helpless as she plunged into the abyss. This rates as the worst experience of my life.

Now I know that I wasn't crazy and that her actions fit a recognised condition I do feel I can maybe finally move on. However, I do have one big concern. My therapist did say to me at one point you could say to her, 'I don't think we should be splitting up, we should be getting married'. We had been engaged for 5 years. Deep down I knew something was wrong and I had never accelerated the marriage plans because I feared she'd melt down when we were married and totally ruin me (both emotionally and financially). As it was she did ruin me emotionally but I avoided the financial meltdown as well.

My therapist did add the proviso that if you do marry her you must do so under the knowledge that you would likely only be signing up for another 5 years or so. I know this and yet if the option was on the table I'd probably have done it. Perhaps I am now addicted to the euphoria of being with a borderline ? I'm seeing a non-borderline now and it lacks the same 'high'. Obviously it doesn't have the same catastrophic lows and has to be viewed as healthier. I actually don't feel I'd run away screaming if I ended up in another borderline relationship and common sense says I probably should. This worries me. Maybe these feelings dissipate over time. Any comments from others further down the recovery road, or indeed others at the same stage ?  

[Reforming]

Hi tafkas

One of the things that makes a relationship with pwBPD so compelling is the drama, the intensity of the highs and lows. Even though it's ultimately very draining it fills up a lot of space. For some of us it can be distraction from our own pain, loneliness and fears.

When a relationship goes wrong some of us choose reflect on what happened and try and learn from the experience - others move quickly into another relationship. The danger with the latter is that we can find ourselves back in familiar territory making the same mistakes.

My relationship ended in couples counselling. Our T saw us both separately for a final session. Her parting advice was that I needed to explore why I had stayed in the relationship for so long. It was worthwhile advice

Perhaps it's worth exploring this with your T too.

Good luck and thanks for sharing

Reforming

[jasmine-1234]

It felt like I was constantly reaching out over a cliff edge trying to grab her hand. It was as if the 'good' her was reaching out wanting to be saved. Yet, there was an 'evil' her that was grabbing on the legs of the 'good' version. Eventually, she lost her grip and I watched helpless as she plunged into the abyss.

Wow this description is really fitting, it made me tear up... .

I understand what you're saying, I also fear that I like "dramatic" relationships, and that a normal healthy relationship will feel boring to me.  But yes relationships are an addiction too.  I don't want to get into a relationship any time soon.


 What did her abyss look like?

My ex suffered from physical panick attacks. I'm not sure which were real or which were more dramatized. But I know some of them were real. I had to pick him up one time from the hospital he had to lie down. 

[DazedandConfus3d]

Hey Tafkas,

The addiction of a relationship with a BPD person is def something I've struggled with too. 

Leaving aside the characteristics of a pwBPD that makes them so often intoxicating, what I've been thinking and writing about recently is why am I so drawn to that?  What other areas of my life are reflected in the things that draw me to them?

Looking at the relationship like an addiction is 100% accurate in the sense that the pattern of behaviors we exhibit around the whole make up/ break up thing IS an addictive behavior, made worse by the fact that booze or drugs don't pick up the phone and try to get you to drink/snort them.

As with any addiction, the key starting point to 'getting better' (whatever that means) is about
1) really coming to terms that you don't get the good without the bad

2) getting to an internal point where we become deeply committed to keeping the bad out of our lives

3) addressing the underlying issues that drive the behavior within yourself

NONE of that is easy.  When we try to change already deeply rooted behavioral patterns that have a strong 'reward' element to them, its one of the hardest things you will ever do.  You WILL screw it up the first time, and the second.  The key is to have a strong commitment to what you want YOUR life to look like, and just keep hammering at it.

I think you might appreciate this track- which reminds me of a night no so long ago I was out with my ex and was a night that was insanely fun, crazy, and *ahem* freaky.  Every time I think of that night, I want her again, I want that feeling. 

Then I touch the still healing bone in my cheek and realize- the fun and the headf**k don't come seperately.  If you're 'addicted' to BPD relationships, the problem isn't that other women are boring, it's that YOU are bored by women who aren't that intense.  :P

Good luck buddy, i'm workin on the same stuff as you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxa6VWXWUxg

[One key]

Very likely you are hooked on a substance called dopamine. It is a neurotransmitter in your head. It makes you feel good about yourself when you accomplish something or the borderliner makes you believe you accomplished something. By giving over abundant praise.

Also sex is a dopamine rush.

To get to your dopamine and feel good you could try to do small tasks and finish. Do sports and finish. The rush wont be the same, but better low dopamine than no dopamine

[RippedTorn]

Tafkas
I did exactly what you are contemplating. In my case, I did not understand it was BPD. I thought it was just simple jealousy. So I (stupidly) thought if I make more commitment, she will get better and not rage. WRONG. The reverse proved to be true. First I got engaged. That did not work and she got worse. Then she moved in and she immediately was nasty and jealous. So I went ahead and married her. Well then it was constant - about once a week of the negative splitting behavior. I finally figured out that because the cause is fear of abandonment, the more commitment I made, the more involved we were and the more frightened she became. She is a high functioning BPD person who acquaintances love. I felt that way too until we became involved as a dating couple. Acquaintances cannot abandon you so they are no threat. Dates can. Fiancées really can. And Husbands are the most frightening person who can really hurt you. So don't get married. It will only get worse.

[Kelli Cornett]

I finally figured out that because the cause is fear of abandonment, the more commitment I made, the more involved we were and the more frightened she became.

THIS IS BPD TO A T. <<<

[tafkas]

Thanks dazedandconfuse3d, I appreciate the good luck gesture. I too have associated a couple of 'freaky' nights with my borderline with music. In my case it's a Gary Numan track. This is most annoying as I like Gary Numan and hearing his music now has association with my departed borderline that I am detaching from ! I think the track you associate with is very apt, by the way.

I also think you are spot on about focusing on what was drawing us to our 'addiction'. In my case I was certainly addicted to the sexual 'freakery' and probably I really wanted to save, nurture and improve her life. Every time she cycled and destructed, like any addict I had major withdrawal and was prepared to compromise massively just to get my high back. Also, because it made no sense why someone would keep biting the hand that fed her, why she'd try and hurt the one she supposedly loved, I think I became addicted to saving. Letting go of the potential of what might have been has been so difficult.  

I think you are also right rippedtorn, getting married probably would have just made it worse. Your logic is flawless. Mine too was higher functioning. Her cycle was slower than many I've seen described on here but once she had decided to destroy things, I needed an entire fire departments to douse the flames and in the end that wasn't enough either. I also read your other post about it's not love it's addiction. I guess love and addiction share a fair percentage of DNA but it was hard to argue with what you said.

At the end of the day the borderline seems to hurt the one that is closest to them the most. When they do this it's very hard not to take it personally and be vitriolic towards them. I'm of an age now where I expect the wider world to try and shaft me. Alas, that's life. However, the love of my life should be there to break my fall. Instead she gave me a push and let me slide by. That was/is so painful. This leads one to question your own rationale and decisions to invest in that person so deeply.

Now I know she was a borderline, it has eased my anxiety somewhat. I feel that I was in love with her but also think it would be fair to say that I was addicted to being in an unhealthy love.

Alas, I can report that over the years all the girls I have met who were freaky in bed had some kind of psychological issue or disorder. It feel like a curse to be attracted to such a thing. I do at least recognise I need to detach from that.

Again, thanks for sharing everyone. I am finding it an enormous help

[StayStrongNow]

Perhaps I am now addicted to the euphoria of being with a borderline ? I'm seeing a non-borderline now and it lacks the same 'high'.

tafkas, you are an excellent writer, expressive, and obviously intelligent.  Perhaps if you looked or not looked a non might come into your life that would give you a better high than the pwBPD ever did. Maybe move on?

In my experience with the ustbxBPDw is that the disorder progressed that caused immense misery and the ramifications of effects of BPD will carry on and be with my three children and me for years.

Just my 2 cents, since you are aware of the facts that a pwBPD has very small chances of recovery and at best hope of remission, just save your life from misery and have the patience to wait for a non best for you to come into your life.

[Herodias]

I think it is more like a C-PTSD. In time you will relax and be able to appreciate normal people. I think they screw with our heads so much trying to keep us in it, that we do have a sort of addiction to them and their style. After you are away for awhile, you will lose that feeling. You will start to see what normal is and hopefully like it better!

[stimpy]

Yes, addiction is a good way of looking at it, for two reasons, partly because it is true, but also because any addiction can be kicked to the kerb and you can move past it.

My take on the addiction thing is three fold -

- the drama / chaos and uncertainty involved in a relationship with a pwBPD can be all consuming, filling any void within you - perhaps of loneliness or unhappiness... .whatever... .

- A chemical reaction from the up/down cycles... .the unhappiness that manifests when the relationship is going badly or you've been discarded or there is a bad argument creates a chemical mix that is not your normal state, then when you're suddenly back together, all is good and he/she paints you white again, there is a huge chemical release into your brain. This chemical release, indeed this chemical, can become addictive.

- If he / she has blamed you/criticised you or worse shamed you (or at least tried to), then that hurts. And the person who can give the release, so that we can feel good about ourselves again, is the person who shamed us. The last person who (I think) spoke to me the way my ex did was either my Mum or my Dad (I'm 55 now so can't remember) - but they loved me (they're both passed now) - so the next day, after being told off, they would say everything is ok, we still love you, it is forgotten. But with my ex, that final release never came, she dumped me, blamed me and tried to shame me. So to recover my self esteem has been my process, I have had to do it, because she wouldn't.

Addiction, yeah you bet, but one that can be understood, worked on and escaped. Stay with normal people, stay away from people who don't treat you right, and get back to normal people who give normal emotional reactions, who support you and help make your life better and more enjoyable.

I'm not completely over the relationship, even 18months out, not totally, but I'm getting there. It's really weird, I'm saying "hello" to parts of me that I hadn't seen for such a long time, the confidence, the self belief, losing the need to bore my friends with the damn stories of her that I used to tell. Kinda funny saying "hello" to yourself again.