Recently realized my mom has BPD

[Newbeginnings8]

Hi everyone,

I recently began attending therapy for a very emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist which in turn has led to discussions about my childhood and my mother, which has led to me discovering that she has BPD. I always knew she wasn't normal but never knew it was truly a disorder. It may sounds odd, but it has been such a relief to finally put a name on something that has plagued my entire life. My mom has all the classic symptoms: viewing me as an extension of herself (even referring to us as "we" instead of addressing me as a person), giving me silent treatment, calling me names, ruining past relationships, etc.

I am doing a lot better in regards to setting limits, but I still find it very hard to distance myself. Because of this abuse my entire life, I have become codependent on her and look to her for emotional stability. When I don't feel like she approves of me or she is mad at me, I feel depressed and lost. Also, I feel guilty if I don't contact her every day as she expects this (she of course never initiates contact). On the same token, there is nothing to talk about with her. I no longer trust her with my emotions, fears, happy events, because I recognize that it only gives her ammunition for future arguments. So, our conversations are typically shallow in nature and quite honestly pointless most of the time. Do any of you have advice on how to maintain a healthy relationship and alleviate the feelings of anxiety I'm feeling day in and day out based on her emotions? I should mention that she is single and I am the only person she has contact with, which puts even more pressure on me. She is also not in the best health, which makes it even harder.

Any comments are appreciated! Thank you so much!

[collyflower]

Wow, I totally feel you with the fact that you're the only person your mom has contact with. My mom does have contact with a handful of other people, but I feel a weighty sense of responsibility that I have to be her rock, the one person who will always be there for her, or else she will just crumble emotionally... .and I too have always struggled with feeling anxious/sick when I think she's mad at me.

Sorry I have no help or advice, but at least know you're not alone in those feelings... .:/

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Newbeginnings8:

I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom.  Have you discussed your mom with your therapist?   It could be advantageous to discuss some specific strategy and tools with your therapist, during a session.

There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post. The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful to start with:

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

VALIDATION

Check some of the links out and let us know what you think.  Might boundaries be a good place for you to start?  Have you thought about trying to wean your mom off daily conversations?  Maybe you could try skipping one day a week, or send her a text or email to just check on her, and hopefully get a reply.

How old is your mom?  Any chance of getting her involved in a hobby or with a church or club?  If she is a senior citizen, some cities have senior centers with activities for seniors.

If you could find some safe topics to discuss with her, it could be beneficial.  Does she have a favorite tv program or does she read books?.  Sometimes, local events and news can be provide some things to discuss (if you stay away from trigger subjects).

[Newbeginnings8]

Wow, I totally feel you with the fact that you're the only person your mom has contact with. My mom does have contact with a handful of other people, but I feel a weighty sense of responsibility that I have to be her rock, the one person who will always be there for her, or else she will just crumble emotionally... .and I too have always struggled with feeling anxious/sick when I think she's mad at me.

Sorry I have no help or advice, but at least know you're not alone in those feelings... .:/

Thank you so much collyflower! I can't tell you how much of a relief it is that someone else has these feelings. My whole life I've tried to ignore my mother's illness (partly bc I didn't know it was an illness) and pretend that I had a normal childhood like everyone else. I find so much comfort in knowing that I am not alone and other people can relate to my experiences! I couldn't have said it better that my mother will crumble without me. Something really profound that my therapist told me tonight is to remember "NMP" meaning "not my problem" we have to somehow realize that we are only responsible for ourselves, not for our BPD mothers or anyone else. I'm a long way away from accepting that fact, but it's something to keep in mind at least! Thanks again for your support!

[Newbeginnings8]

Welcome Newbeginnings8:

I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom.  Have you discussed your mom with your therapist?   It could be advantageous to discuss some specific strategy and tools with your therapist, during a session.

There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post. The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful to start with:

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

VALIDATION

Check some of the links out and let us know what you think.  Might boundaries be a good place for you to start?  Have you thought about trying to wean your mom off daily conversations?  Maybe you could try skipping one day a week, or send her a text or email to just check on her, and hopefully get a reply.

How old is your mom?  Any chance of getting her involved in a hobby or with a church or club?  If she is a senior citizen, some cities have senior centers with activities for seniors.

If you could find some safe topics to discuss with her, it could be beneficial.  Does she have a favorite tv program or does she read books?.  Sometimes, local events and news can be provide some things to discuss (if you stay away from trigger subjects).

Thank you so much for your response! Yes, I have started talking to my therapist about my mom and he has given me a few strategies so far. Thanks so much for those links!
I have thought about weaning my mom off daily conversations, and some days I will simply text her instead of calling at all. The result is her getting angry, lashing out with a passive aggressive text or being extremely short and rude the next time I do call. Another weird thing is she will be raging mad one minute, and then the next day text me out of the blue telling me to have a great day and she loves me! It's so bizarre and unpredictable.
My mom is not quite a senior citizen, but the chance of her getting involved in anything social is slim to none. She is extremely anxiety ridden. Which would surprise most people who think she is the most charming and sweet woman on the planet. The thing is she loves to talk to people IN PASSING, but put her in a room with someone one on one or in a setting for a long period of time, and she's a nervous wreck. Besides, everyone is out to get her. She's lost countless jobs, friendships, etc because of this way of thinking. It's all other peoples fault. ALWAYS.
I like your idea of safe topics. That's actually the only time we don't argue is when it's about something on the surface like weather or sports. It kills me that I can't feel safe talking to my own mother about deeper things such as my life and what's going on, but she always seems to use it as ammunition later in a fight.

Thanks so much for your support!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey NewBeginnings8:   

I have thought about weaning my mom off daily conversations, and some days I will simply text her instead of calling at all. The result is her getting angry, lashing out with a passive aggressive text or being extremely short and rude the next time I do call. Another weird thing is she will be raging mad one minute, and then the next day text me out of the blue telling me to have a great day and she loves me! It's so bizarre and unpredictable.

It can be common for pwBPD to cycle through their rage events quickly.  Probably best to just ignore the passive aggressive text.  If she is short and rude during a phone call, perhaps give her some validation and let her go. Saying something like, "Mom, I can sense that you are having a bad day (or in a bad mood), I need to let you go now.  We can talk another time when you feel better".  Another strategy is that you have to let her go because, i.e. You have to visit the restroom, you are in the middle of cooking something, a neighbor is at the door, you were just leaving for an appointment (and you don't want to talk on the phone while driving). 

Have some excuses that make sense to you and might be apt to work with your mom.  If you consistently terminate a conversation, when she is rude and unpleasant, she can either alter her behavior, or the conversation is consistently terminated.  It's worth a try.  If you use the boundary consistently, your mom either adapts or you just keep terminating conversations.

You might find the information at this link helpful:

https://www.BPDcentral.com/borderline-disorder/BPD-relationships/

[collyflower]

The result is her getting angry, lashing out with a passive aggressive text or being extremely short and rude the next time I do call. Another weird thing is she will be raging mad one minute, and then the next day text me out of the blue telling me to have a great day and she loves me! It's so bizarre and unpredictable.
My mom is not quite a senior citizen, but the chance of her getting involved in anything social is slim to none. She is extremely anxiety ridden. Which would surprise most people who think she is the most charming and sweet woman on the planet. The thing is she loves to talk to people IN PASSING, but put her in a room with someone one on one or in a setting for a long period of time, and she's a nervous wreck. Besides, everyone is out to get her. She's lost countless jobs, friendships, etc because of this way of thinking. It's all other peoples fault. ALWAYS.

Hi again NB8! 

I had to jump in and say something again with the striking similarities between our mothers. I have tried to help her find social groups to join (she really has no friends anymore), but she has such huge social anxiety (she is fine with her coworkers, but I think that's because it's more of an "forced" situation and not like CHOOSING to socialize) that I don't see her ever doing any group activities.

My mother also blames her lifelong friend for ending their relationship a few years ago, and acts like she's a TOTALLY innocent party. All I can do to avoid a fight is "uh hu, that must be hard" when it comes up.

My sister had two nasty messy days of horrible phone calls / voicemails and then, suddenly, a nice email saying that she loves her. The sense of relief I got when she forwarded that email to me was so strong, it almost felt embarrassing when I realized in hindsight how tense I was during the crappy few days... .I need to work on emotionally detangling from my mother's moods, but it's hard. That's really great that you're in therapy to improve how you react to your mom.