Does anyone with codependent traits feel/felt as though they don't know who they are... or 'real' or 'whole' either similar to a pwBPD as consequence of being too giving of themselves? Will I ever become enough or real enough for the kind of person I'd admire, love and wish I was more like? ... That I am still unsure about.
There is a challenge involved in the process of learning to be my own person.
I've always leaned on somebody else for answers or to validate my own reality so that I can feel self-assured. I've been in plenty of narcissistic type relationships where I have ended up being emneshed and moulded to become more preferable to them. My understanding is that I was so compliant because I grew tired of defending and proving myself to them day to day it wore and tore me down, I gave in. I was just full of fear and dread that I gave into whatever the other person wanted me to believe and then lost myself. I wrote myself off completely feeling as though my life was dependent on maintaining that connection.
I thought I was BPD at one stage because to some extent I do mirror others to keep people connected to me such as adopting a lot of other people's interests but I just do not fit the criteria for BPD and less extreme according to my T. It's probably just that codependent trait of wanting to be really connected and overly giving and being around a NPD for so long that was really damaging to my self-perception. Therapist said I have an ambivalent attachment style where I do push/pull similar to a BPD but I can still be reasoned with
. My last BPD relationship had me believing too I was also BPD (my exes projection)... .and again my susceptibility to overly self-doubt when someone strongly implies there is something wrong with me... or that I had affected them so much... through my opinions, actions, words... .really bothered me and got me to seek help for myself. (which is fine, but believing I was crazy when I wasn't, wasn't at all a good feeling to go through).
I know what I used to enjoy and what my interests are now. There are plenty of things I find interesting but I feel like such a novice in so many aspects I see myself as lacking depth or substance. I feel that I am too much of a blank slate. I am years and years behind the days I was bright, focused and passionate. I miss being that knowledgeable and interesting person and sometimes this makes small talk difficult. I am just no longer as up to date with everything going on around me like I used to be. I've become like a zombie and not knowing anything relevant anymore... or so I think. Sometimes it makes me feel stupid to be honest. I feel as though people won't understand this about me and fear that they will see part of me that is odd the closer they get. This is where I start to Push/Pull too. I am feeling happy most of the time though and come off friendly. I don't have trouble acquainting myself. It's just that thought in the back of my mind that like I've lost so much and the need to get it all back and while I am progressing I want to actually feel like I am still someone worthwhile to talk to. Even if I don't feel like everything is back to normal. I dont know what my problem is exactly
Just rambling... um
I also have thoughts that I could just go back into a 'codependent' type relationship because that is what's comfortable and usual for me sometimes .But that is just looking for more trouble and heartache again, I know. I don't think this all the time, it's just sometimes when I feel like I want to not deal with myself and or that I won't be able to find better. I know that I am a bit more avoidant if I think someone has it altogether because I think highly of them and don't feel like I measure up to be with someone like that and so become less open. It makes me more nervous or feel worse about myself Vs being with someone I know who is clearly mentally ill or facing similar insecurities that I have myself. It's a bit strange but hopefully you might understand where this comes from. All those hooks I had at one stage because I found people who had problems as more attractive. Person with 'issues' I ended up in a relationship with or me taking some kind of amateur psychologist type role. Maybe I feel inferior to people I think highly of. Maybe I feel undeserving on some level and need to address this.
I've told a close friend that I felt like I wasn't living life how 'normal' people do and feeling bit too blank when I am not a part of something/someone else and catering to them. Perhaps the fear is that by not knowing myself very well yet, nobody will think I am worthwhile to get to know either. Maybe that's it. I am too used to being 'useful' to people like how PDs treat people. I am starting to think in too black and white. That I cannot be truly be liked at all unless I am dead sure of myself and feel as though I have something to give. That is how harsh I can be sometimes and don't want to fall back or not give something a try or opening up just because I am feeling negative at times with what I feel that I've lost and don't know what to share. People like people for many different reasons and don't have the exact same standards I place on myself... .I try to remember that. I have some good friends. There is evidence that I am a likeable and valuable as their friend... and they stick by me because of me and what I bring to our friendship.
Knowing that I have to relearn better ways of being, I want to feel like I am enough and doing more than enough for now. I dont know how long it will take to feel more self-partnered but I feel like I am getting there.
To be honest, how I feel fluctuates and not sure if everything I wrote just now still matters so much. There are times I do feel rather deserving and don;t need to write stuff like this... .but it comes up again and this is still how I feel and what I am still thinking sometimes.
