The trail of destruction

[lovenature]

The longer you maintain NC, the easier it gets to continue it.

Well done with the drive and gym. Continue looking out for you.

[JohnG]

I looked at her Social Media. She is with someone else.

And seems like she is having the time of her life. While here I am "feeling like crawling under the tree and dying".

I do not want to leave my bed. The world seems like a big empty void full of hurt.

I have this huge  void.
The will to live is shattered. I feel like a zombie.

How can she move on just like that.
Help my guys. Today even gym seems boring...

 

[JohnG]

I have never felt pain like this before. Not even when my marriage broke down. Or at death of loved ones.

Seeing her with someone else is making me feel so inadequate. How to climb up this help hole of desperarion and misery  

[JohnG]

Why is my mind desperately craving that fix. Highs were real high but they were only few are far between.

[foggydew]

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting so much. I think people on this board understand so well. It seems that it really is an addiction, even a chemical one. Do go out again, do go to the gym. Step by step... .don't let this person drive your life. Easier said than done, I'm struggling with it too. Looking at social media is deadly - it doesn't get any worse. NC is much easier. Keep going, John. Keep coming back here, too.

[GlennT]

I am sorry. You want her back the way it was. Read the posts, and substitute your name and your girls. We are all victims, suffer, and learn. It has to get worse before it gets better. Like with any addiction, recovery may be a lifelong process because most recycle if you let them, which will keep messing you up. Think about their pattern behavior. New one will be gone too in time.

[JohnG]

I used to be confident three years ago. Full of hopes and dreams. And a passion for life.

My therapist told me 90 percent of my day time is preoccupied with thinking about her. It does not even have to do anything with my son. I am working only at 10 percent on my capacity. And still achieving results like doing my studies. Getting a new job. Imagine   the wonders if I was functioning at 70 80 percent.

How to break this terrible chemical addiction.
Why am I acting out so beta in my head.

Obviously she is stunning. But that too because she knows how to put make up on.  I have scene our in throes of rage. Her beautiful face contorted into demonic ugly rage. And that was scary.

Now she has a  new guy added as a play partner on social media. Bigger muscles and what not.

Am I hurting. Or just jealous. I am loosing focus badly. Was any time with her real? Was  it all a fantasy. It feels like my brain is literaly on fire. Her face looming all day in front of my eyes.

Shall I go do some adventure stuff. Get out of the bed. I am just broken down. And my brain is on fire from too much thinking...

 

[lovenature]

Hey John

I know how much it hurts becoming a broken down empty shell of the person you used to be; we need to learn why this happened to us, why we stayed in a relationship that was so hurtful for both partners.
First you need to detach enough in order to get out of the FOG and then you will be able to see things clearly while you continue learning about the disorder.
Take it one day at a time, allow your thoughts and feelings to just come and go; accept that you need to recover and it will take what it takes, as I have learned from others-the best way to fight something is to not fight it.

Focus on you, look forward to the little things in life that you enjoy.

[JohnG]

I used to enjoy body building and exercise. Writing and readin Poetry.

I am living from hour to hour.
Dragging like a bag of bones.

This herpes thing keeps playing on my mind. A friend cheered me up and said it is just acne for adults. Just be honest with your future sex partners.

The life right now seems so dull and boring. Another friends said boring is good. It's not a bad thing.

I am terribly missing the highs  I used to feel with my BPD ex. And shaken to my very core how easily she has moved on.

I want this dreadful void like feeling to go away. I was thinking hard to join the army.

But I think I'll be doing that for a wron reason.
I am a mess. Yes small things... an hour at a time.

Thanks you all. Your replies give me hope... .

[JohnG]

I can't stop looking at her social media. And every photo and every comment by her new lover's and past one's that were hiding in the wood work pings like a mother****** that I feel like the wind is being knocked out of me.

Was having this utterly beautiful but monstrous entity as my gf  covering the shortcomings I had in my life.

[fromheeltoheal]

Was having this utterly beautiful but monstrous entity as my gf  covering the shortcomings I had in my life.

Great question John.  A big part of detaching is shifting the focus from our exes to ourselves and seeing what we can learn about ourselves, motivated by the pain at the end of these relationships.  Detachment is a grand adventure once we dive in, and you might start educating yourself on the disorder too, which can take the confusion out of our ex's behaviors and give us new insights.  Have you started reading the materials here?

[JohnG]

@from Healtoheal : Thanks.
I have been on Shari Screiber website from last year. Reading everything there religiously.

I can't stop looking at her social media.
And the comments that her new lovers and bdsm partners are leaving are excruciating.

Seems like she was engaged with all of them during her love and hate three year long dance.

On top of that I am terribly missing my son. It's more than a week since I last saw him.

Stuff it... I am off to the gym. Lifting some heavy iron. At least I can sleep after that

[fromheeltoheal]

FYI, while reading Shari Schreiber's materials feels good and may help a little in early detachment, she is not a reputable resource, and I encourage you to read the more clinically-based information on this site and in the recommended books.  And it doesn't sound like it's helping if it's been a year and you're where you are yes?

I understand the impulse to check up on our exes on social media, cyberstalking, and consider: how does it make you feel?  Not good right?  So if the goal is to detach, cyberstalking doesn't help, and then the challenge becomes investigating the feelings and impulses that create that urge to look, to check up, what are we looking for?  :)igging there can be fruitful as we grieve, process and detach from the relationship.

[JohnG]

www.sexloveandwar.blogspot.co.nz/2010/12/BPD-just-dumped-me-what-do-i-do.html?m=1

This is another article which has provided me some solace over the weeks.

@HeeltoHeal can you please guide me towards the tactics or tips I can use when I feel the urge to look.

I think checking her up on social media is terribly slowing my detachment process

[fromheeltoheal]

I think checking her up on social media is terribly slowing my detachment process

I agree, and that urge is common, most of us have or have had it, but following up on it rarely helps and usually hurts.

Can you please guide me towards the tactics or tips I can use when I feel the urge to look.

The simplest one is just focus on how it makes you feel when you do it.  Fully associate to how terrible you feel when you look and learn something that hurts, and that will give looking a negative association so you won't want to do it.

And the other piece is to start to shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future.  The best way to fight something is don't fight it, create something new, like the creation of your empowered future.  That and reading the articles on this site will clear up confusion and shift your focus, so what she's up to will matter less, and eventually won't matter at all.

[JohnG]

@heeltoheal: Many thanks. Every word helps. Thanks for your guidance. I went to the gym. And the endorphin release feels blissful.

Once again thanks for your guidance. For now I'll try not to look but do small things that I enjoy. Read a book. See a friend.

Etc. Etc. And I'll read articles on this website thourougly. I'll hang in there mate. Hang in and ride out this ocean of pain.and desperation 

[fromheeltoheal]

For now I'll try not to look

And remember, to be proactive about it, when you get the urge, focus strongly on how it's made you feel after you looked in the past, focus really hard on that and how bad it was, and after a while just the thought of looking won't feel good, and then you'll be free of it.

[JohnG]

The feeling of hollowness is getting worse and worse. It's been 5 weeks. Instead of getting better.

I terribly miss her. She is rubbing the new guy in my face. I did not look today.

But the painful feeling is taking over my body. It's like I am sitting here all day thinking. Unable to function.

[fromheeltoheal]

The feeling of hollowness is getting worse and worse. It's been 5 weeks. Instead of getting better.

I terribly miss her. She is rubbing the new guy in my face. I did not look today.

But the painful feeling is taking over my body. It's like I am sitting here all day thinking. Unable to function.

Good for you for not looking John.  And what you're doing is starting to grieve the loss of the relationship, which is a good thing, and there's really no way to speed it up, but you can slow it down by continuing to check up on her.  I think I remember your relationship was 3 years long, and you don't get over that in 5 weeks; best to set your sights on the long haul, say 6 months or a year, although the worst part is at the beginning and it gets much easier.  The only way out is through, and now that you're in it you might as well not check up on her, might as well just feel everything all the way, that's what pain leaving feels like, and you'll come out the other side stronger and wiser.  And while you're at it, try and take care of yourself best you can, eat, sleep, drink enough water, go light on the booze and caffeine or not at all, and you're going to the gym which is great.  And keep talking to us, this is a grand adventure if you say so, and you'll have lots of great insights as you walk this path.  Take care of you!

[JohnG]

This is really a great adventure. I asked Army to reopen my file. Last time four years ago I went to the recruitment process and passed everything. But never went for initial training.

This time they have reopened it and asked me to sort the paperwork within two weeks.

I have ro decide what to do. Right now I am just drifting aimlessly.

The pain pangs for me are worst in the mornings. I feel like I should have never gone back after 8 months of seperation.  That re honeymoon phase lasted  only 6weeks but made this second break up much much worse.

[JohnG]

I tried to stay busy today. It was better. The sadness was there. But the desire to look was less. And time flew by :

[Grey Kitty]

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