Family Doesn't know what to do

[alykam]

Hello,

While not diagnosed, my family believes my sister is suffering from BPD. We are trying to help her but it feels as though we're all putting a lot of effort into helping someone who doesn't help themselves.

She lives out of state and just got out of an abusive relationship. She has two kids and we're trying to get her to move closer to us so we can help her - however it will be a big fight with her ex. She is unemployed and receives $500 monthly for child support.

Recently she came to stay with us to go to therapy, look for a job, and research schools to better her case in the courts. The first day she spent over $400 on shoes and clothes. The next day she went out with friends and left my parent's front door wide open after returning home at 3am (we live in the city). She did go to one school open house and had one therapy session. She decided she does not have to get a job because she says she is mentally ill. Last night she brought a stranger into my parent's house at 3am and when caught she blew up at my parents. They refuse to fund her life (and don't she mainly gets money from friends and her mom who is not my mom) is she refuses to help herself. Its becoming clear that the idea of her moving into my parent's house with her two kids is not going to work.

How do you help a BPD person who refuses to help themselves. She is 38 years old.

[Mutt]

Hi alykam,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm.sorry that you and you're family are going through, it's difficult when a family member suffers from mental illness, it has to be especially hard watching your niece / nephews? go through this. How old are the kids?

 Your sister is not diagnosed only a professional can do that what we can do is look at BPD traits and we can set boundaries on ourselves with behaviors that are acceptable or not acceptable. Have you met or spoke to her boyfriend yourself?

A pwBPD can't see the grey nuances in people and in life and see in either all good or all bad, her boyfriend may very well be split black and your sister can't see him as an integrated whole only the bad parts that may be real or perceived.

We can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves, there's no magic pill, I know that's probably hard news to hear. She has t want to receive help ir help herself. We need to have strong boundaries w/ a pwBPD. We don't usually want really high fences, we want low fences when it comes to boundaries, they're meant to flexible but a pwBPD don't usually have boundaries set for themselves and have difficulties understanding the boundaries of others, your sister doesn't know where she ends and the family members begin. If we don't have boundaries with a pwBPD or people in general, often we'll get lashing out because they may not be used to it or we may have had floating boundaries. That being said, I'm.sorry that your parents are going through this, I'm not surprised that your sister lashed out, she probably felt shame because she had someone at very late hours, who watches the kids in the morning? Your parents are going to have to look at their boundaries regarding your sister.

You sound like a thoughtful person to seek help for your family members, we heard about your sister and your parents, how about you? How do you feel? How does your sister treat you? What's the back story with your sister and yourself?

[HappyChappy]

  Hi Alykam,

That does sound like challenging behaviour. As Mutt points out we can’t change someone else  behaves. However, there are techniques aimed at getting the best out of someone with BPD. As follows:

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

These should help you get your point over. SET is more about keeping the peace, but the others are more about asserting without escalating things. Normally someone with BPD will not admit to anything that isn’t to their advantage. So your sister admitting to mental health is interesting. I know my BPD and NPD would never admit to that due to stigma. Do you think your sister uses the mental health label as a bargaining chip ? But if she admits, then can you encourage her to get help for that mental illness ? She is unlikely to admit its BPD as  that label probably won’t be of value to her, and if its a bargain chip she will deny it as soon as a negative side surfaces.

But you do have complete control over how you deal with all this. How are you bearing up to all this ?  Are you getting any support ? Do feel free to ask questions or just vent on the thread. We all know how hard it is to deal with a loved one with BPD, so feel free to post.  

[jdtm]

 Very simply - you can NOT fix a problem that is not yours.  So sorry - been there.  In hindsight, I wish I had continued to live my life the best way I could - and let the two BPDs in our family try "to figure it out".  My efforts were considered interfering and spiteful; not helpful or compassionate or loving.  I wasted so many years trying to fix someone else's problem.  Can't be done - again - so sorry ... .

[alykam]

Thanks everyone. Here's an update.

Since her being here we've realized that things are worse then we thought. While originally we wanted her to be closer, we realized that since her being here she has made no effort to find a job. There is no way the courts will allow her to relocate here if she does not have a job. This, on top of her rude and erratic behavior has forced my parents to reconsider the original plan. There is no way she will be able to live with them.

She is now holding on to the idea that she is moving here and will not accept the idea that my parents will no longer pay the court fees. They came up with a very detailed plan that included her getting mental health care and a part time job where she lives in order to start the path toward independence and mental health before relocating.  She exploded at the implication that she would need to care for herself before my parents care for her. If this is her only option how can she not accept that! One cannot support two kids on $500/month!

I tried to speak with her to come up with a plan where she can care for herself and she couldn't even discuss the idea. I tried to help her come up with a budget for her life and she was completely overwhelmed and upset by the idea that she can no longer shop at expensive stores and go out nightly with friends. I tried to help her understand that unless she starts helping herself, no one is going to be able to help her, but she uses her past abuse and trauma as an excuse.

When do you use tough love and when do you just outright help someone? If she makes no effort to think about the future - how can you plan and fund the future for her? Is tough love the right decision? She makes it very difficult to help her at all.

[Mutt]

Hi alykam,

Is tough love the right decision?

There is no magic pill. What about the kids and their father? Can he take care of the kids?

[alykam]

There is no magic pill. What about the kids and their father? Can he take care of the kids?

Unfortunately the father is an abuser. There is no evidence that he has abused the kids, but we cannot in good conscience try to get the kids placed with the Dad. Because there is no evidence of abuse, if the kids were taken from her, they would go to the Dad. If we could, we would take them, but we cannot.

[Mutt]

My ex is not a benchmark for the disorder, everyone that suffers from the disorder is a different person with different personalities, different traits and severity of the disorder.

My ex called me financially, physically and emotionally abusive before she walked out of the marriage with her affair partner and had the most horrible things to say about me and it was all fabricated.

Nobody from my exe's family talked to me, I don't know if all of them believed her but she was telling them stories for several months before she left, there are two sides to every story. Fast forward three years and I'm split white, she won't recall saying that I was abusive.

Have you talked to the father directly? What is your impression of him?

[alykam]

That's horrible. What an awful situation. Do you have children? Are you able to see them?

In this case, I know he's abusive. I lived with them for a month when they were first married and witnessed the verbal abuse. Plus he isolated her by moving her away from the family and then convinced her that the whole family was against her. She didn't speak to us for several years until she got out of the marriage.

I do believe some details may be embellished. She accuses everyone of abusing her, so at a certain point you have to question - but I know this guy is a bad guy.

[Mutt]

That's fair, you know him first hand. Yeah I do, they were really young at the time, but they're my son's are 5 and 8 and my daughter is 10. I have shared custody, the kids need an emotionally stable parent in their lives when they have a parent that is impulsive and erratic, they need stability and that's where I come in. That's why I mentioned the kids, if you step back and look at the big picture, I think it's about the kids.

Tough love is something that you used to hear about in the 80's - 90's. It sounds like your parents have their boundaries, and you as well, if you help her it will enable her, it doesn't resolve the core issue, it prolongs her problems. I let go and let god, I can't help someone that doesn't want to receive help, so I left it in the hands of a higher power than me, I defend my boundaries when she tests them.

I'm divorced and I'm not responsible for my ex wife, that's up to her boyfriend, I take of the kids and compensate for the things that she can't do for them, but some pwBPD have to hit their rock bottom before they help themselves.

[alykam]

Another Update:

My sister left the house without telling anyone to go stay with her friend. Before she left she wrote a nasty email to my dad saying the psychiatrist she saw while she was here told her my dad's behavior toward her was abusive. She was supposed to show up to another psychiatry session the day after she left the house but she did not show up. The psychiatrist called my dad to find out where she was and during that phone call it became clear that she probably didn't show up to the previous session either - meaning the psychiatrist never saw her.

She texted my brother asking where they should meet up for a show they were going to go to but he told her she couldnt come anymore now that she's put the family in an uncomfortable situation. She got very mad. At 1:30am that night she texted my brother claiming her friends drove over to her house back home and found her house had been vandalized. We told her to take photos of the vandalization and make a police report, but she just yelled at everyone for abandoning her. She then texted my brother and said someone was going to fix the broken window at 8am - for free before she gets home.

She missed her flight back home and text my dad to say she couldn't make the flight because she had many phonecalls to make. My dad decided not to respond and let her figure out how to get home on her own.

Finally she got home. My dad sent her an email listing all of the places she can receive psychiatric care and that he would be canceling her thanksgiving ticket back. After spending a stressful 2 weeks here, my parents decided they wouldnt be able to host her again this soon. He said all of this very nicely and lovingly and said the ticket would be available for her to come back another time, and the plan is still to get her to move here as long as she does her part (gets a part-time job and attends therapy). She went NUTS.

The next day she texted me asking if she can stay the night on my couch for Thanksgiving. I told her no because 1. Her flight is cancelled and she's been uninvited and 2. I'm moving this week into my new home and cant host anybody. She went crazy on me over text calling me all sorts of names and telling me I've now abandoned her. She started saying I had encouraged her to move to our city and now I'm abandoning her. I didn't ever say I didnt want her to still try to move her - I only said she cant stay at my house over Thanksgiving and that I didn't think it would be a good idea for her to come. She told me there would be consequences for my actions - what actions!

I know this is all apart of illness but its becoming increasingly difficult to just let this behavior go. Shouldn't she have to apologize to me? She claims everyon is abusing her - but what about the verbal abuse she gives to us? Why should I even continue to try to support and help someone who doesn't care about me at all, doesn't help herself, and is verbally abusive when you try to draw boundaries? She's my sister, and I want her to get better, and I want her kids to be safe - but I feel helpless, and thankless.