Slipping Back Into Denial About A BPD mother and the Family of Origin Illness

[Calsun]

Hi

It's been a long time since I came on this site, and I am glad that it is here.  I have found myself slipping back into a certain amount of denial about my mother and about the family emotional illness and feeling both physically and emotionally unwell, paralyzed in decision-making and unable to have the fight or flight return to me that was allowing me recovery.  And have even found myself back living with my mother again for a number of months and finding it difficult to separate, with all of its re-traumatization.

Some of the issues that contributed to it. My brother with whom I have had a strained relationship over the years, someone who was really harsh with me in my adult life and wasn't there for me, had an accident under the influence about two years ago in which he eventually went to jail.  And I felt compelled to show up for him for court appearances and to give him support.  In the process I swallowed my own feelings, had to publicly portray him as such a good guy and a lot of the times in my life he really wasn't.  I became self-censoring and repressed around this because this was a public matter.  As an artist, my art suffered and my own mental and emotional health because I couldn't be honest about what I was feeling and about the sickness of a family in which there was a BPD mother.  And I started to want to assume his own role, hero and family saver in a family that was terribly sick.  My brother was the son of a splitting BPD mother who was the only one she loved, the only good one and I was portrayed as the bad and unlovable one

My sister is a co-dependent, hoards and has panic attacks.  She has never moved away from my mother.  And my mother now in her elder years has lots of health issues.  My mother is much calmer now than she was, but she is still an undiagnosed borderline who was horribly abusive to me as a child, physically and emotionally, and who did the splitting, projecting onto me all badness and onto my brother all goodness. 

I developed what Dr. John Sarno calls a goodist personality, so afraid that my mother was right about me that I was an unlovable bad, black sheep which is what she communicated to me as a child.  I felt always a need to be a saint and a martyr.  And I have felt that pressure more than ever with my brother's situation and my mother's health issues and my sister's panic disorder.  It's a very dysfunctional, ill family system that is now seeking to grapple with some serious life issues.  But they are not mine.  I didn't get in trouble with the law and I have gotten lots of help to recover.  But I felt the burden of having to try to prop up the family which was disintegrating, all the while I have been going down with it.

And so I have gotten sucked into being like a family savior.  And this is part of my stuff which I have to come clean about.  I had always wanted my mother to love me, to think of me as the good one, and with my brother in jail, I started feel deep down as though my mother could love me.  But my brother's role as the "good" one was no better than mine as the "bad" one in many ways.  It was just the flip side of having a non-present borderline mother who was unloving, self-centered and couldn't see anyone but her own distorted projections.

And I am afraid of her dying.  I always desperately wanted a uBPD mother who could not love me to love me.  Instead she was abusive and destructive and expressed hatred and contempt for me.  I have been in denial that she is really a BPD, what I did throughout most of my life, seeking once again as an adult to win her love and feel lovable inside.  And so I'm reaching out because it is making me sick, and yet I still feel such a need to prove that I am worthwhile and I am having such a hard time separating.  It is a self-destructive part of my personality and it scares me.

And I feel ashamed of that difficulty separating.  Most of all there is just a great need to be loved and accepted for who I am, to feel warmth and tenderness, to not have to be perfect and to be allowed to have my own pain and not be someone whose job is to attend to the pain of my BPD mother, my brother who felt so entitled because he was the good son of the splitting BPD mother and the sister who is so distraught and unbalanced much of the time.  I want out of this unhealthy situation and have a healthy and loving family of my own.  And yet I feel so guilty about separating that it will mean that what my mother portrayed me as a child will be true.

Calsun

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey  Calsun:  

I think you can use a big hug.   I can't imagine how you are managing to live back with your mom.  I'm so sorry about your family situation and whatever brought you  back to your living situation. Are you living at your mom's house to be a caretaker, or are you there because of a financial situation?   I'm thinking you need to live somewhere else and make a plan for a move as soon as possible.

You can't be responsible for your dysfunctional family members.  You deserve to have your own life and not live with FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).  Have you had some therapy?  Even if you have in the past, some therapy could be beneficial for you right now.

Setting your own boundaries and not being a caretaker for dysfunctional family members does not make you a bad person.    

And have even found myself back living with my mother again for a number of months and finding it difficult to separate, with all of its re-traumatization. . . .I want out of this unhealthy situation and have a healthy and loving family of my own.  And yet I feel so guilty about separating that it will mean that what my mother portrayed me as a child will be true.

Hopefully some of the ideas below can bring you some tools and/or comfort. (click on the green words or addresses)

FOG

BOUNDARIES

Here is a link about Radical Acceptance:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:
A general book that you might find helpful for yourself is:
"The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris
Printouts for exercises related to the book can be found at this website:
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/

Below are some BPD books that might be helpful:
"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life",  by Margalis Fjelstad

"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder", by  Valerie Porr

[Kwamina]

Hi Calsun,

Welcome back old friend  I have often wondered how things were going with you. I remember your struggles very well and how difficult both your mother and brother made things for you.

And I felt compelled to show up for him for court appearances and to give him support.

When you look back upon this experience, why do you think you felt compelled to show up for him? Did your other family-members perhaps put pressure on you to help him and/or were you concerned how your family would treat you if you did not show up and give him support?

 In the process I swallowed my own feelings, had to publicly portray him as such a good guy and a lot of the times in my life he really wasn't.  I became self-censoring and repressed around this because this was a public matter.  As an artist, my art suffered and my own mental and emotional health because I couldn't be honest about what I was feeling and about the sickness of a family in which there was a BPD mother.

I think what you say here is very important. You have certain values and it sounds like your behavior did not match up to certain things you believe in causing a massive internal struggle. Why did you feel you had to portray him as such a good guy? Did you want to spare him the pain of going to jail, perhaps on some level out of love since in spite of everything he's still your brother? This ties in to those other questions, it seems you felt tremendous pressure to act a a certain way even though it went against what you believed in. Naughty Nibbler mentions fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) and based on what you've shared I too suspect this might (partly) explain why you felt compelled to do the things you did.

I had always wanted my mother to love me, to think of me as the good one, and with my brother in jail, I started feel deep down as though my mother could love me.

Do you think it is just that you wanted your mother to see you as the good one or perhaps also that you wanted to see your brother treated as the bad one after all he has put you through?

And I am afraid of her dying.  I always desperately wanted a uBPD mother who could not love me to love me.
... .
Most of all there is just a great need to be loved and accepted for who I am, to feel warmth and tenderness, to not have to be perfect and to be allowed to have my own pain

I think this truly gets to the heart of the matter. You have always longed for unconditional love from your mother. Unfortunately she was not able or willing to give it to you. This however has not stopped your longing for it. Your fear of her dying makes sense to me then because as long as she's still alive, the hope that she'll one day provide you with that elusive unconditional love is also still alive.

If I remember correctly from your previous posts, you have not received any therapy to help you heal. Did you perhaps receive therapy in the period since you last posted here? Considering your current struggles, I agree with Naughty Nibbler that this might be a good option for you to explore as it definitely can be beneficial after a lifetime of dealing with multiple disordered family-members. I can imagine how stressful and difficult it must be living with your family again.

I am glad you remembered this place and have come back here as you try to deal with all of this.

Take care