He's Back - sort of...

[DazedButNotConfused]

I am writing this after an almost 1 year break out of BPD land. Sheesh ... .they really do always resurface in one way or another... .

Got a call from my ex-FIL. My ex-BPDh is having MAJOR surgery - removal of pancreas, spleen and gall bladder  - due to alcohol abuse. As ex FIL is haof way across the country and in his late 80's, he wanted me to help his son during and after this surgery. REALLY ? REALLY ?

I was there are the majority of the alcohol abuse, the BPD abuse, and every other abuse (he stole, he was violent, he bankrupted me, the lies). Why would I get the call?

Seems ex-BPDh has burned every bridge, alienated every person he ever knew, and, due to his now health issues, can't get anyone to fall for his "charms."

So ... .what to do? What do we owe our ex's? If this wasn't dire, I wouldn't even ask.

DBNC

[patientandclear]

You say no, hire a nurse.

There are probably hundreds of other people who don't have a great solution about who will care for them as they recover from medical procedures in your immediate vicinity. If you playing the kind of role the FIL wants to assign you seems reasonable to you, go find one of those other people and care for them. It would be more appropriate than you doing it for your ex.

My alcoholic abusive exH (not the guy I mostly post about here) often finds himself in pickles that seem to have no solution other than me bailing him out. That it how it's presented to me--that it is "dire." That's why I used to say yes and then resent it like crazy. I finally started saying to myself and him "this is not my job. I don't deserve to be put in that position. Good luck; I hope you figure something out."

Each time, like a miracle, another solution materialized after I said no. The same will almost surely happen here with your ex and his need for nursing support.

Incidentally, my r/ship with my exH suffered not at all, and in fact improved a lot, once I set that boundary. He understands it and he agrees with it, though it is not convenient for him.

[hope2727]

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

[DazedButNotConfused]

Thank you both for the support ... .my initial thought was as yours ... .not my problem.

Guess that Catholic school upbringing kept messing with me "Love thy neighbor" and all ... .

[Notwendy]

Somehow, the second part of that seems to get left off:

"Love your neighbor as you love yourself".

Not - put yourself- your sanity aside and just love your neighbor.

[Notwendy]

To be empathetic- your ex FIL is understandably concerned about his son's situation. Few parents don't love their kids, even their dysfunctional kids. So he may just be trying you as a shot in the dark, worth asking. Dad is talking out of his emotions and fears, but there may be other options for your ex's long term care.

You have the right to say NO.

I think hospital staff considers people's circumstances at discharge. People who don't have someone at home to take care of them can be sent to long term care/rehab facilities. They aren't luxurious but they provide nursing care, physical therapy, meals. I think there is some coverage by insurance. Private nursing care at home is very costly, and not your responsibility to pay for.

Were you to show up and agree to care for him, the staff would not consider this option as there would not be a need for it.

Staying out of this will allow the staff to consider all the options for him.

Some of us with BPD parents have been in a similar situation. Some are still in a relationship with BPD parent, but are not able to tolerate the situation. Others, like an ex, are NC and then expected to help with care. But, we need to also consider our own sanity and well being and

... .stay out of the FOG

Let his medical care team decide what he needs.

[empath]

Loving your neighbor doesn't mean that you have to do the caring for them.

Love means seeing the truth, too.