BPD, NPD, ASPD and the toxic mix

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Talking to my doc this morning, yes I'm still sick, she said my ex is a narcissist, well yes, she has little to no conscious for sure.

Her philosophy for life? "I don't care what anyone else thinks, I do exactly what I want"

This would explain a great deal of her behaviours

I've heard Cluster B share all the behaviours of PD and they overlap, plus cormidity with addiction as well?

Oh well, my lawyer says keep doing what I'm doing, his mother is digging herself deeper into losing our son.

Point is, does she even care?

[JerryRG]

Talking to my doc this morning, yes I'm still sick, she said my ex is a narcissist, well yes, she has little to no conscious for sure.

Her philosophy for life? "I don't care what anyone else thinks, I do exactly what I want"

This would explain a great deal of her behaviours

I've heard Cluster B share all the behaviours of PD and they overlap, plus cormidity with addiction as well?

Oh well, my lawyer says keep doing what I'm doing, his mother is digging herself deeper into losing our son.

Point is, does she even care?

[Mutt]

Hi Jerry,

Her philosophy for life? "I don't care what anyone else thinks, I do exactly what I want"

I recall a line my ex said in an email. "I do what I want" I didn't understand it at the time and she was casting me as persecutor and saying that I was controlling her, I felt guilty.

My ex is not a benchmark for the disorder and none of our exes are really. Each person suffering from BPD is a different person with different traits and severity of the disorder, very different from one person to the next. That said.

I understand that statement today differently, not at face value but what she probably meant subsciously. A pwBPD have poor boundaries on themselves and a very poor understanding boundaries of others, that us what i believe that she was saying "I have little boundaries and I don't understand boundaries".

[JerryRG]

Thank you Mutt

It is strange disorder, I have seen the whole gamut of behaviours from self loathing to thinking she's going to be the next huge music sensation to just down right insulting and cruel.

I try to understand but I don't, the only thing I am certain of is I never want to be around her again. I'm slowly realizing, feeling the feelings and remembering the horror of the reality of what was our sick dance.

[Mutt]

Hi Jerry,

The thread title is a broad spectrum, Skip says that most of our exes are subclinical. I'll never know what co-morbidities co-exist with my ex, she suffers from mental illness of some sort. I know how painful it is when we have a loved one with mental illness, sometimes the person can't see what we're seeing from the outside, your ex feels defective, it's hard for anyone to admit those feelings. Sometimes the person is overwhelmed with their own battles internally, they're in their own head, I get depressive episodes and I know how toxic that I can be because of depression, it's not personal. That being said , you're allowed to have your feelings about your exes behaviors.

Can you describe how you feel? Do you feel shock when you peel back the layers of your r/s? Do you feel shame for being in a r/s with her?

[JerryRG]

Thank you Mutt

I do feel shock, I find it difficult to accept I allowed myself to go that deep into a relationship with someone so disturbed.

It does bring lots of shame and so much more so now that she's abandoned our son and yet claims to be Christian. There's nothing more evil than harming a child.

I remember how frustrated I became during our first days and weeks communicating, how much sleep I was losing, how aggrivated I was becoming.

Then that night she called, I told her to get to safety and instead she deliberately placed herself in harms way, later calling and claimed she was raped.

That night I broke, I knew I couldn't do this anymore.

And still after just weeks of her insanity, I didn't enforce my bounderies and allowed her to keep calling and texting until I allowed her back into my life.

She's so sick, I was sick

Repeat this same scenario over a few 1000 times and I trauma bonded and hooked too deep to ever just let go, I needed amputation and as painful as that can be, and as wounding as it was, I couldn't continue to live with or be close to someone who sucked the life force right out of me. I was dying with her and believed I would die without her, what a horrible existence that was.

I look at all this and I'm ashamed, then I read about other people's experience and it's pretty much all the same or worse.

[Mutt]

I do feel shock, I find it difficult to accept I allowed myself to go that deep into a relationship with someone so disturbed.

You fell in love with her, you must of liked something about her? In regards to staying in the r/s, were you trying to make the r/s work? Were you trying to keep the family together for all three of you?

And still after just weeks of her insanity, I didn't enforce my bounderies and allowed her to keep calling and texting until I allowed her back into my life.

Well, sometimes we have to go though the experience several times to learn all of the lessons that it has to teach us.

I look at all this and I'm ashamed, then I read about other people's experience and it's pretty much all the same or worse.

You're right, you're not alone. My advice, fail and fail often, because that is how we learn. Take what you can from.the experience, learn from it, put the experience in it's correct context, leave it in the past and utilize what you learned for self growth, keep pushing the boundaries.

[JerryRG]

I'm done fighting, for my son and against her. I give up. She wins.

I'm going to spend my last few years fighting the devil, she's pure evil and I have nothing left. I'm broke, I'm sick and that evil woman can just go back to hell.

[Mutt]

I'm done fighting, for my son and against her. I give up. She wins.

You're not fighting your ex Jerry, your fighting against reality, accept it don't fight against it, that's where a lot of your frustration is coming from. She is who she is. If I think about it in the context of winning or losing, winning in a situation like this is change, when you change, it's like a domino affect, everything changes. Be the best dad that you can be to your son, that's something that your ex can't touch or take away from you - she can't control how you act with him.

[JerryRG]

I don't understand why I'm feeling bad, I don't like this situation and I know I'm not a good dad, if I were I would not have been involved with my son's mother. My dad bailed on me, nothing I could do to make him change.

I know my son will grow up to hate me too, it's inevitable. By the time I get well he will be grown up.

[Mutt]

You can work on yourself while you're raising him. You're not responsible for his mother's actions, we can only conduct our own, and how she is, is not a reflection of your value.

We don't know what will happen in the future, we can only control the present. I'm sure that you're son will see that you're trying? That counts for something?

[JerryRG]

Yes it does count

[Mutt]

Yes it does count

That's the spirit!

[JerryRG]

Thank you Mutt, I'm refreshed and renewed this morning, cancer, chemo, being sick, working, paying all the bills, no help from mother, my recovery, and most important the care of my son. I need to focus on the good I'm doing and stop trying to be the perfect dad.

Have a great day Mutt, God bless you for your service to me and this community.