Dumped out of the blue for her ex

[consultmoi]

I am so confused and I really don't know what to do after the woman I love broke up with me just under 6 weeks ago to be with her ex.

I'm trying to figure it all out. She spent 2 years chasing me, idolising me, always wanting to be with me and eventually I agreed to commit to her 100% yet only 4 months later tells me she wants to be with her ex and for me to move out ASAP
I feel cheated, betrayed, angry, ashamed and obsessed

I did meet her in a psychiatric clinic where I was in for C-PTSD and alcoholism and she said she was in for depression.

When it came to me wanting a relationship with this woman because I felt ready and I was 2 years sober, she was in another relationship with this guy who she liked. I explained that's ok lets stay friends and if it doesn't work out let me know. She dumped this guy almost immediately and we began a relationship.

I moved out of my place into her house and committed to her and her children 100%, the first few months was amazing we went on holidays etc ... .but the last month was dreadful. She had changed ? But Why ? This is what confuses me

I find out she had been meeting up with her ex who she originally dumped to be with me. I asked her who she wanted me or him and she said me and said she will tell him face to face she can't see him anymore and that she loved me

At 12pm I text her and asked if she felt she made the right choice and she said yes I love you. Then at 3pm the same day I get a message saying "I want to be with X i'm sorry"

It devastated my world. I lost my partner, my relationship with the children and my home I feel in so much pain and I don't know what I did wrong,

Why did she suddenly dropped me without hesitation to be with her ex despite her knowing my past traumas ? and not caring if I relapsed (which I haven't and won't)

She did once say to me if she was ever alone it would drive her over the edge and another time she traveled 400 miles from work to me as she was afraid I was going to dump her ! I am almost sure if her ex didn't want her she would still be with me.

Can anyone advise me how I get over her betrayal ? As a man who was suddenly replaced by another man (who consequently now treats her like a princess) I can't escape the thoughts on their intimacy which was once special with me.

How do I get past the feeling of her never loving me but shows love to another man.

My self esteem and pride are rock bottom and I do not know where to turn. I just want her to want me and miss me.

She has been in contact with me via email saying she still thinks of me and hopes I am ok, as I didn't reply I then got a nasty email an hour later

and I got another one week later that said

"Just wanted to let you know that I am sad and sorry that it has ended between us. I am not happy about it and do still love and care for you. But for now is the best for both of us.
Will miss you always"

Over the past couple of days I have received a couple more emails asking me to listen to a certain song called Falling Slowly from the movie "Once" as I would like the words and piano ? and she has sent me a poem she wrote about 'happiness' and she says that she hopes I am ok and thinks of me often

Why is she writing emails to me ? She made a choice and chose her ex over me, I am sure he wouldn't like to know she is sending these emails to me

I don't know if it is me but why ask me to see the lyrics of a particular song ? What message is she trying to send ? and why not simply come out and say what she wants to say ? If anything. I have put the lyrics below if you have any idea ?

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

And in her second email she sent me a poem she wrote

My happiness poem by X;

Happiness is sometimes not knowing the whole story but making your own;
Friends we make, the people we meet;
Bright, beautiful colours we see, all our senses alive;
The feel of touch, arms of a hug with affection is all we need;
Good health, family love and being loved for who you are... .

[gotbushels]

Hi consultmoi 

It seems you're shaken. If your ex partner is with someone else with seemingly no explanation and so abruptly, know that you aren't alone in this. Many of us have been where you are.

It's normal to feel betrayed and upset with such abrupt cutoffs of relationships by another person.

My ex pwBPD said she would speak to some given partner and do some given thing, but somehow the results of those apparent things ended up very strange. Strange being that the guy wouldn't stop chasing her despite her doing X, Y, Z thing that sounded responsible. I found out later that she was covert and subversive about things we discussed in order to encourage other men to pursue her. When I took a more active role with other involved men, I found that results were more what I expected when I could check myself what activities actually occurred. I suggest against doing that at this point, but hold it out as an example of how inaccurate things can be from an SO's perspective around things like this, especially when the pwBPD is the source of the information.

I encourage you to place more emphasis on what you can check is real rather than what she's told you. I think SOs do very well to be more aware of the pwBPD's behaviours in this way. That can then lead to a healthy questioning of our own roles later.

I think it's normal to feel very hurt when we've gotten highly emotionally involved with such a partner. Often, we seem to lose more than just the relationship. I think this is especially true with longer relationships.

To help you get through feelings of betrayal, you can consider going through the steps on the right sidebar of this page. Here is one link:
https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm

To help you get started, it seems to me that you want her to love you, but you aren't receiving that. When her love is given to another person, that can make the pain seem greater. I suggest you step back and investigate this.

It seems you have experience with a P or T. I suggest you seek their support through this time. You may look at this time as more a form of support rather than a course of treatment.

Good luck, and I hope to hear more of your recovery.   

[consultmoi]

Thank you gotbushels I'll try the lessons on the left and hope they help me

[Pretty Woman]

So sorry you are going through this, Consultmoi.

This is classic BPD. She doesn't want to be with you, but she wants you there pining for her. Saying "it's over, goodbye" while sending you song lyrics (to pull at your heart) while she is with someone else is childish and inappropriate.

The core of BPD is fear of attachment coupled with fear of rejection. It's a fine line impossible to please.  No human being can possibly satisfy all their needs but we almost kill ourselves (and some do kill them selves, sadly trying).

I was with my ex for three years. She left me twice for other exes. Same game, different person. While she was telling me how amazing I was, that no one ever treated her so good and that I was her soulmate, she was reaching out to exes telling them I was abusing/raping her.

If they don't have several suitors pining for them, trying to "rescue" them from their imaginary bs, they are not "complete".

It's hard and it sucks but the best thing to do is not engage, respond or do anything. They will keep sucking you back until they rope in someone easier to control.

My ex played this game until she found her new "the one"  a woman who had been cheated on in her previous relationship but went for my ex knowing we were together. She dumped me cold, took our puppy and I haven't heard from her in 2yrs.

It's cold and hard to get over, the desertion aspect.  She still talks to mutual friends but I am the devil in her eyes.


The sooner you cut her off and work on healing/fixing why you are attracted to someone who treats you poorly, the better you will be.

 
PW

[stimpy]

Hi consultmoi,

I am very sorry you are going through this, and I know from personal experience, as do many on this site, how painful it is.

It is really hard in the immediate aftermarth of an event like this to be able to understand it. But this will come, slowly and gradually maybe (there is no timetable) and the best thing that has happened so far is that you recognise that what has happened isn't normal. From this you can build your understanding and knowledge of the dynamics of relationship with a BPD partner.

All my friends and people I talked to after my discard said the same thing, they all said, in these words or similar that I had "dodged a bullet". Yet it still hurt like nothing I'd ever experienced before and at the time I didn't know what they meant.

But now I know what my friends meant, they could see something that I couldn't, none of them had heard of BPD, and neither had I at the time, but they knew it wasn't a healthy relationship.

Can anyone advise me how I get over her betrayal ?

The feeling of betrayal is immense, and justified. And I felt that betrayal as well, again, as do many on this site. How to get over it? Learn all you can about the disorder, and with that learning what she did will become much less personal. They ride a rollercoaster of balancing between a fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment, like riding a surf wave. But all the time... .and when one of those fears takes over, the likelihood is that they will act on it.

For people with BPD if they feel you are going to abandon them, then that feeling can take over and can become - in their minds - a fact - and so to avoid the awful feelings that can come from being abandoned, they will end the relationship.

People with BPD also fear engulfment, so when a relationship gets serious, or moves from one stage to the next stage, the engulfment fear can be triggered and that can mean that they fear they will lose themselves in the relationship, and so... .they will end the relationship.

Then, after the relationship ends, many pwBPD want to manintain the attachment with their exes - again to avoid that feeling of abandonment. Even though they ended it.

So they keep in contact, even though they  are seeing someone else.

This combination of behaviours is immensely painful for us nons and bewildering and confusing at the same time as well.

But recovery does come. And now I know what my friends meant when they said I "dodged a bullet".

She tried on more than one occasion to get me back, but I refused. And that was very painful in itself. But if I had gone back to her and we had made a go of it, I think by now, she would be living in my house, but I wouldn't. I would have been kicked out on some pretense, she would have changed the locks and I'd be in some rented flat somewhere. Broke, and with my self esteem on the floor and I'd be begging her to take me back.

Instead, I am out dating again, I've still got my own place, I've made some new friends and I know a great deal more about the qualities I want in a woman.

The best way to move on, is to cut contact as much as you can, even go No Contact and then give yourself time to process the emotions and move on, to become the person you want to be, in relationships with people who treat you with kindness and respect.

[consultmoi]

@Pretty Woman Thank You so much for your comments. My interpretation of the lyrics she sent to me was saying "It's not over, we still have time, I still have a choice, raise my voice" So basically it seems like she was wanting what you suggest. And I have no idea what she was indicating with her 'Happiness' poem ?

Now had I of not been aware of BPD behaviour I could of reacted by writing back to her saying "I want you back" (based on my interpretation of the lyrics) that would of satisfied her needs making her feel better but leaving me open and in a vulnerable position to be hurt which is what I expect had I of reacted

Fortunately I did not and I simply chose not to respond maintaining no contact with her whatsoever, also I am so sorry to read your story and I can see you are a brave and lovely person who deserves complete happiness.

@Stimpy. Again thank you so much for your comments too. 

Your message has given me alot of hope that in time I will be ok. I am trying my best to understand the condition so to obtain some understanding of her behaviour, based on what you have said her driving 400 miles to talk me into staying must of been her fear of abandonment and as I was living with her and the relationship was more serious and I no longer treated her as a princess as we had 'normalised' into daily life I must've triggered her fear of engulfment as she went back to her ex in order to be treated as a princess once again.

And yes she has already reached out to try and maintain contact but that is so unfair and inappropriate as she is suppose to be in a loving relationship now with her ex new BF so it really does mess with my head :-( so I agree confusing and painful

I have done as both yourself and others have suggested and I have complete NO CONTACT with her no matters what she may throw my way

Because "I WILL dodge that bullet" ;-)

If you have any resources that may help me understand her behaviour (from what I have read there are 4 types of BPD, mine was a WAIF) then I would sincerely appreciate it

Once again THANK YOU for helping me heal

[stimpy]

If you have any resources that may help me understand her behaviour (from what I have read there are 4 types of BPD, mine was a WAIF) then I would sincerely appreciate it

There are some great resources on this website, just have a look around, and I've PM'd you a couple of other resources as well that I found useful.

Mine started as a waif, but ended as a witch. Quite a transformation.

[Pretty Woman]

Staying strong is hard, especially this time of year, especially with the holidays around the corner. This helps and hurts me: Every holiday she dumped me. I think we spent one holiday together in 3yrs, so it should be easier, however she has been with my replacement two years and they live together so they have spent all the holidays together. There are moments of, was it me? Was I responsible for her being a total a-hole?

Clearly, no. But I fed into it rather than cut her loose first. This was not the right person for me and I am healthier. I think that is what fueled our discontent and arguments.

As you become more removed from your ex you will start to resent the other person less. We are all different. Maybe this person IS a better match for her. Maybe it works because this person has no boundaries or self-esteem. They do go back to people they know they can easily manipulate. I have seen this with my own ex going back to almost ALL her exes that would speak to her, sometimes 8-10 years later. As much as I miss the "good times" I know I can never put myself in that hellish position again. It almost ruined me and I respect myself and who I am too much to jeopardize my current life.

The replacement is nothing to be jealous of, that's for sure. If they are emotionally weak they will get stuck in the cycle indefinitely in some cases. My ex's ex husband tried to kill himself when she ended their marriage. He lost his job and was never the same. I too, almost lost my job but was able to recover even though I still work with her sister who has slandered me in my work place. I keep my head up, don't aknowledge any rumors or negative talk, and have actually THRIVED in my career since the breakup.

I truly believe no one can turn into an amazing person when they have treated others poorly. We doubt ourselves sometimes but if someone treated you horribly and was irrational, and in my case, I know some of the exes and she treated them just as bad with lying, cheating and talking down to them, it's silly to think they are different with the next.

If there is ANY advice I can impart, I wish I hadn't taken her back all those times. It showed her I was weak and made it easier for her to drive the knife into my chest (metaphorically speaking) when she finally discarded me.

Keep reading and believe the stories my friend. I have yet to find one where they were able to "stay friends" and weren't dropped on their head or used when something "better" came along. Understand it's a legit illness and it's ok to be compassionate and feel badly for them.

It's not ok to be treated like a doormat.  They WILL survive, they always do. As caregivers we want to help but in the scenario with a BPD it is best to help yourself so you don't attract the same crapola again with a new person, whether it be a romantic relationship or a friend.

Best of luck to you! Keep reading, posting and learning. Keep GROWING. This is something your ex is incapable of and you will find the more aware you are of this disorder, the more you grow as a person, you will attract the same, others you can mesh with in a positive, healthy manner. I am already experiencing this in my own life and it's wonderful, healthy.

 
PW
 

[Rayban]

Hi consultmoi,

This is indeed very typical in BPD relationships. She is still in contact with you, sending you lyrics, and poems to keep you obcessed with her.  

Looking back I experienced the same thing. Throughout the time with my ex, there would always be exes, acquaintences, friends that would come out of the woodwork. On several occasions, we would run into these people while out together. Almost like she knew they would be there. I believe I was being used as a prop to make these people jealous or to triangulate, and have multiple people vying for her.

I think its all theatrics with her directing and playing the main role, and the others are props to be kept on stand by, till she needs us in her supporting cast.

As long as she has people to cast, she will not change.  It's the same recipe over and over again. Keep finding people who she believes she could manipulate into falling for her. Once hooked, she will find someone new, and try to keep the ex on standby.

I don't discount that she knows that someone who is hurting, and has had their self esteem shattered is someone who is much easier to control and keep around. In the mean time there is intermittent reinforcement.  This could be having sex with an ex to keep them hooked.  An example she often used with me, is an ex or a good friend as she called him who's been in her life for 4 years. She was admenent that she never slept with him.  It went from her calling him a friend that shared a passion for gaming, but only online, to he would come over to her place so they could play games together, to he made a move on her, to a guy who wrote her a 20 page letter about his feelings for her. Never admitting to having slept with him. It really doesn't matter now, but I highly doubt that a guy who wrote a 20 page letter and stuck around for 4 years, never slept with my BPD ex who has a huge sex drive.

Bottom line take this as a blessing and new beginning to improve your life and find somone who will truly love you for who you are, and not love you for what role you could play in her distorted fantasy world.