I received an email from her tonight after 8 months...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My story can be followed through this thread-line for anyone who is interested: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299140.msg12806055#msg12806055

Long time lurker and occasional poster on these forums. The amount of support and help I receive from this place is amazing, but as I move through recovery I try to spend less and less time here and more time looking forward. Nevertheless, recent events have brought me back here to report the latest happenings regarding my 10 year relationship that ended in March of this year.

My exBPDs birthday was the 10th of this month, and my state of mind was surprisingly magnanimous throughout the entire day. I knew that this final date was the last milestone to endure and after that a whole new unknown yet seemingly bright future awaited me. It was overall a cathartic day that gave me the final bit of closure that I expected to ever receive. I knew that if she were to ever contact me, her birthday was the only date left that made sense, and like clockwork, I was proven correct, although I was off by two days.

She sent me an email tonight. It was brief and only a few short sentences long but regardless I felt lightheaded and dizzy upon reading it. I knew this was coming; I've read and experienced too much to be surprised by this as it is textbook BPD, but the effect it is having on me cannot be overcome with reason. I immediately shut my computer off and took a cold shower after reading it and have been trying to collect my thoughts since.

The email is as shown:

"Title: Hey you

It's S. I'm just wondering how you've been doing and hope you've been well. Miss talking to you. You were my best friend for 11 years."

That's all she sent, but I'm still reeling from it. I know exactly what I should do and I know what everyone will probably recommend: that I should simply not respond and any response would just be to feed her ego. She sent this from a new email which conveniently shows off her new last name, making it readily apparent that she has married my replacement. She has been married to him for a little over a month, so I'm almost shocked to be hearing from her so soon after being such a newly wedded bride.

I can glean several things from this email, and I feel the need to list them off if for any reason to remind myself:

#1: She is not any better psychologically. If she was recovering or managing her BPD symptoms better she would have apologized or at least acknowledge the years of physical and emotional torment she put me through. True healing would mean she would have to face these facts and her refusing to even bring it up shows to me she still has what she did to me buried and locked deep inside of her.

#2: There has to be trouble in paradise. As far as I've come to gather, BPDs never reach out when they are content with their replacement; only when they are disregulating and need to soothe do they reach out to past attachments.

#3: She's still as flakey and untrustworthy as ever. I'm willing to bet money that my replacement doesn't know about this email, and although the contents of the email itself may not be considered inappropriate, you have to admit that sending an email like this to an ex is strange when you are very recently married to another person.

#4: She is seeking validation. She has told me she misses talking to me and that I was her 'best friend' for 11 years; these are things she wants me to reciprocate to her. She wants to hear that she is missed and that she is valued by me. This has nothing to do with me no matter how much I wish it was.

I want to do the right thing. I am undecided on how to approach this, and I know the simplest and probably best piece of advice is to leave the email alone and do not respond. I just don't know if that is something I can do, and that it is something I would feel right doing. I'm considering sending a response that is very neutral and straightforward and that will not feed into her needs to satiate her ego. I'm feeling very uneasy at the moment and I would just like to hear other people's views on this. I don't know what I should do.

Thank you for reading.

[Rannan]

My story can be followed through this thread-line for anyone who is interested: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299140.msg12806055#msg12806055

Long time lurker and occasional poster on these forums. The amount of support and help I receive from this place is amazing, but as I move through recovery I try to spend less and less time here and more time looking forward. Nevertheless, recent events have brought me back here to report the latest happenings regarding my 10 year relationship that ended in March of this year.

My exBPDs birthday was the 10th of this month, and my state of mind was surprisingly magnanimous throughout the entire day. I knew that this final date was the last milestone to endure and after that a whole new unknown yet seemingly bright future awaited me. It was overall a cathartic day that gave me the final bit of closure that I expected to ever receive. I knew that if she were to ever contact me, her birthday was the only date left that made sense, and like clockwork, I was proven correct, although I was off by two days.

She sent me an email tonight. It was brief and only a few short sentences long but regardless I felt lightheaded and dizzy upon reading it. I knew this was coming; I've read and experienced too much to be surprised by this as it is textbook BPD, but the effect it is having on me cannot be overcome with reason. I immediately shut my computer off and took a cold shower after reading it and have been trying to collect my thoughts since.

The email is as shown:

"Title: Hey you

It's S. I'm just wondering how you've been doing and hope you've been well. Miss talking to you. You were my best friend for 11 years."

That's all she sent, but I'm still reeling from it. I know exactly what I should do and I know what everyone will probably recommend: that I should simply not respond and any response would just be to feed her ego. She sent this from a new email which conveniently shows off her new last name, making it readily apparent that she has married my replacement. She has been married to him for a little over a month, so I'm almost shocked to be hearing from her so soon after being such a newly wedded bride.

I can glean several things from this email, and I feel the need to list them off if for any reason to remind myself:

#1: She is not any better psychologically. If she was recovering or managing her BPD symptoms better she would have apologized or at least acknowledge the years of physical and emotional torment she put me through. True healing would mean she would have to face these facts and her refusing to even bring it up shows to me she still has what she did to me buried and locked deep inside of her.

#2: There has to be trouble in paradise. As far as I've come to gather, BPDs never reach out when they are content with their replacement; only when they are disregulating and need to soothe do they reach out to past attachments.

#3: She's still as flakey and untrustworthy as ever. I'm willing to bet money that my replacement doesn't know about this email, and although the contents of the email itself may not be considered inappropriate, you have to admit that sending an email like this to an ex is strange when you are very recently married to another person.

#4: She is seeking validation. She has told me she misses talking to me and that I was her 'best friend' for 11 years; these are things she wants me to reciprocate to her. She wants to hear that she is missed and that she is valued by me. This has nothing to do with me no matter how much I wish it was.

I want to do the right thing. I am undecided on how to approach this, and I know the simplest and probably best piece of advice is to leave the email alone and do not respond. I just don't know if that is something I can do, and that it is something I would feel right doing. I'm considering sending a response that is very neutral and straightforward and that will not feed into her needs to satiate her ego. I'm feeling very uneasy at the moment and I would just like to hear other people's views on this. I don't know what I should do.

Thank you for reading.

[icky]

oh dear. as you say, classic textbook BPD stuff. : /. there's probly nothing useful/ sensible you can say - nothing that her BPD brain will be able to "hear" correctly anyway. feel free to draft a response that can just sit here tho, with all of us as your witnesses to "what needs/ should be said". maybe that will be cathartic/ healing? my suggestions:. i'm surprised you're reaching out one month into your new marriage? is it not going well? is it starting to go as badly as our relationship? i'm a member of a BPD self-help group to process the madness you put all of your partners through and i am moving on from the effects of your illness quite well now. i think we both know that you writing an email like this is the kind of BPD behaviour that is part of your destructive patterns, so let's not pretend you're being nice here - you're seeking to re-establish patterns of dependency and unhealthy behaviour. so, is your latest co-dependency partner starting to become disenchanted with you yet? is he aware that you are inappropriately emailing ex'es a month into your marriage? has he begun learning BPD coping-tools to deal with the behaviour you will soon begin unleashing on him? if he needs any advice from me, let him know - i'm happy to pass it on. he can come and join my BPD support-group, if he likes. i assume i'll be receiving more of these emails from you, as your marriage begins to deteriorate into BPD territory. feel free to write. like yesterday's email, i'll be sharing the texts with my BPD support group and we'll be discussing the BPD content of what you're doing.

[tryingtohelp]

Wonderfully written post ,  you obviously have a good grasp of the harsh realities of the BPD nightmare.

I think you will already know that the best solution is NOT to reply.

Yes it will feed her ego ,  and yes it is about her needs for sure ,  but it is always so much more complex than that. 

I was never married to my dBPD s.o.   She has been in my life 9 years ,  and has done all the usual damage.   I am currently being punished / ignored , and have not heard from her for a month since I texted her to point out that she had forgotten my birthday.

Like a nerd I have sent 10 pleasant , light, txts hoping for a reply ,  when all my being is telling me NOT to .  I have finally stopped, 4 days ago .

I would love to hear from her , and I know that the best option would be to have nothing to do with her again.  It is for sure some kind of an addiction.

These aliens do something to us that other normal humans don't do.

Your best option is DO NOT RESPOND.   

Find someone normal ,  move on .  I am doing my best to do this,  and I know that even though I am being given the 'silent' treatment , for however long this may be,  one day she will get in touch , when there is trouble in paradise , she always reaches out to me , and like an idiot I am always there for her.

I think most of us all know if we are honest with ourselves that the best solution is to get these creatures out of our lives.

I know how hard it is,  my alien is 34 , and looks like Charlize Theron ,  and I just fold when she contacts me.     I also know that on the inside, she is a 14 year old in an adult woman's body, a sad mess who will never be any different ,  whose life is an endless train wreck , always looking for another guy, another job, etc etc     

Do not reply.   I hope you have the strength to not reply.  Take the power away from her.   

[Larmoyant]

hmmm post says it all. I'm going to print it out.

As someone who always seems to respond to my ex's communication efforts I completely relate to your post. I find it very difficult 'not' responding even though it would probably be the best decision.

Your ex has sent you an email with her new name that in itself is really upsetting and shows a complete lack of regard for you whether or not she realises what she has done. You ignored her birthday and now she's wondering why. You are an 'attachment' for her and have a long history. Apparently they don't like losing their attachments and may periodically check in to see if you are still emotionally linked to her. I'm not sure if this is right and please someone correct this if it's wrong, but anything you send her will confirm that you are still there. She will probably be temporarily soothed by this.

I keep responding because I still want him so I set myself up for more pain. Nothing good ever seems to come of it. I end up being insulted in some way or other and it sets me back. I will say though that it is also a good measure of how I'm going with detachment as I seem to bounce back quicker these days.

I can't tell you what to do because I'm the worst person to advise, but suggest you work out what it is you want from the contact. It's an incredibly selfish email imo. It's all about her. Isn't it always?

[Grey Kitty]

I want to do the right thing. I am undecided on how to approach this, and I know the simplest and probably best piece of advice is to leave the email alone and do not respond. I just don't know if that is something I can do, and that it is something I would feel right doing. I'm considering sending a response that is very neutral and straightforward and that will not feed into her needs to satiate her ego. I'm feeling very uneasy at the moment and I would just like to hear other people's views on this. I don't know what I should do.

Don't make this about her. Not about pleasing her. Not about rejecting her. Not about managing her feelings. Not about what you want her to feel or do when she gets your 'perfect' reply.

Ask yourself what YOU want?

Not from the person you thought she was or hoped she was when you were in a r/s with her.

With the real person--somebody who dumped you, and was involved with another guy the next day. Assuming she met him then; perhaps it just became public that day... .Somebody who sends you an email trying to open up a friendly and intimate connection with her ex, a month after marrying another guy, and you are 95% certain hasn't told her husband that she's reaching out to her ex.

Somebody who, if you try to be platonic friends with her, is likely to do her best to blast through those boundaries, into something at least kinda like an emotional affair, if not more.

Somebody who you have to worry about what weird crap she will read into anything you send her? You are clearly fretting about this as you even consider a reply!

What do you really want with her? Do you even want that kind of "friendship"?

[Herodias]

The best thing you can do is nothing. Just let it feed your ego, if you do something I will guarantee you that you will feel worse afterwards. They find a way to hurt you in the most amazing ways.  I love the "hey you" part... .mine always said that too. I have read they say that, so they don't get all of their partners names confused,

[ednastvmillay]

As the child of a BPD mother and npd father, I attract those types like a magnet. And so have tried a couple different approaches when they are seeking validation. Essentially, it never ends all that well whatever I do. They either drink my validation like the emotional vampires they are. Or they just kind of ignore me.

Maybe a damningly mild response is appropriate, something like, "Oh, that's nice to hear. Thank you. Hope you're well." Giving them absolutely nothing to feed off of and asserting your dignity and independence.

[Rannan]

Don't make this about her. Not about pleasing her. Not about rejecting her. Not about managing her feelings. Not about what you want her to feel or do when she gets your 'perfect' reply.

Ask yourself what YOU want?

Not from the person you thought she was or hoped she was when you were in a r/s with her.

With the real person--somebody who dumped you, and was involved with another guy the next day. Assuming she met him then; perhaps it just became public that day... .Somebody who sends you an email trying to open up a friendly and intimate connection with her ex, a month after marrying another guy, and you are 95% certain hasn't told her husband that she's reaching out to her ex.

Somebody who, if you try to be platonic friends with her, is likely to do her best to blast through those boundaries, into something at least kinda like an emotional affair, if not more.

Somebody who you have to worry about what weird crap she will read into anything you send her? You are clearly fretting about this as you even consider a reply!

What do you really want with her? Do you even want that kind of "friendship"?

Thank you for asking me the hard questions. These are questions I'm finding myself struggling to answer as well. I keep teetering between acknowledging her plainly or leaving it alone completely and I'm unsure which one will bring me less pain.

What do I want or expect from this? It's all rather abstract, unfortunately. I want clarity. I want to imagine a life without her in it and be completely alright with that fact. I want to stop missing the friendship (and more) that I thought I shared with this person. I want emotional freedom and peace of mind.  I wish that she wasn't so predictably ruled by her ailment and that I could take this email at face value. I wish I didn't feel the pull to get sucked into the BPD game every time she appears. As you can see, I have an abstract notion of the things that I want but am still struggling on the road to achieve these things.

On one hand, responding leaves me open for pain. On the other hand, leaving it alone may never allow me to let go and forget about it. I have since slept on this issue and have come up with a brief acknowledgement response that I may end up sending to her, if I do decide to respond:

"That's nice to hear. I'm doing well, thank you. Take care."

That's it. It's important that I close the line of communication and don't leave anything open, not only to discourage her from continuing but to help staunch my subconscious desire for her to continue contacting me.

Thank you to everyone who are sharing their opinions on the matter and echoing the obviously best approach to this situation. I am unsure what I will finally decide to do but I will sit on it and really consider my next action or inaction. I'm trying my best to resist my codependent tendencies and think about what is best for me and my healing and nothing else. It's a struggle.

[Pretty Woman]

So proud of you.

That has to suck seeing the replacements name as her own but clearly... .nothing has changed. She's trying to engage you while with her husband. This is what they do.

Good for you for not responding and thank you for sharing.  I'm struggling right now. My ex seems happy with my replacement and they are getting ready to enjoy the holidays together. I was dumped over every holiday. Holidays trigger me.

[Herodias]

So proud of you.

That has to suck seeing the replacements name as her own but clearly... .nothing has changed. She's trying to engage you while with her husband. This is what they do.

Good for you for not responding and thank you for sharing.  I'm struggling right now. My ex seems happy with my replacement and they are getting ready to enjoy the holidays together. I was dumped over every holiday. Holidays trigger me.

Pretty Woman, right here with you... .Holiday triggers. I am going to post about it in a new topic I think... .

[lovenature]

If you have been complete NC for 8 months on your end, I would suggest you don't respond; ANY kind of response will show her that an attachment is still there. Going by your feelings regarding this email it is probably best you block all avenues of contact.

I am over 10 months NC on my end (my ex. lives across the street, so I don't block her on my phone because if she can leave messages it lessens the banging on my doors), I have found the best thing for me has been to ignore any attempts she makes to get me to respond to her.

[Grey Kitty]

What do I want or expect from this? It's all rather abstract, unfortunately. I want clarity. I want to imagine a life without her in it and be completely alright with that fact. I want to stop missing the friendship (and more) that I thought I shared with this person. I want emotional freedom and peace of mind.  I wish that she wasn't so predictably ruled by her ailment and that I could take this email at face value. I wish I didn't feel the pull to get sucked into the BPD game every time she appears. As you can see, I have an abstract notion of the things that I want but am still struggling on the road to achieve these things.

On one hand, responding leaves me open for pain. On the other hand, leaving it alone may never allow me to let go and forget about it.

What that sounds like is you want closure. You want to be done with this, you want to be over this, you want to heal from this. And these are all things you should want. They are also things you need to find for yourself and inside yourself.

You didn't say anything about based on who she is and what you expect her to do that you want to be friends with her. Or have an affair with her. Or take her back from your replacement. etc.

And sadly, the kind of closure you want--she's not going to give to you. I think the absolute best case if you reconnect with her is that she will be relatively kind and sweet, but pretend that she never did anything wrong with you in the past, which is a bit crazy-making for you... .and the other possibilities go pretty far downhill from there.

My recommendation is not to reply. You won't find anything you need or want there.

[jhkbuzz]

my suggestions:

i'm surprised you're reaching out one month into your new marriage? is it not going well? is it starting to go as badly as our relationship?

i'm a member of a BPD self-help group to process the madness you put all of your partners through and i am moving on from the effects of your illness quite well now

i think we both know that you writing an email like this is the kind of BPD behaviour that is part of your destructive patterns, so let's not pretend you're being nice here - you're seeking to re-establish patterns of dependency and unhealthy behaviour

so, is your latest co-dependency partner starting to become disenchanted with you yet? is he aware that you are inappropriately emailing ex'es a month into your marriage? has he begun learning BPD coping-tools to deal with the behaviour you will soon begin unleashing on him?

if he needs any advice from me, let him know - i'm happy to pass it on. he can come and join my BPD support-group, if he likes.

i assume i'll be receiving more of these emails from you, as your marriage begins to deteriorate into BPD territory. feel free to write. like yesterday's email, i'll be sharing the texts with my BPD support group and we'll be discussing the BPD content of what you're doing.

Wow... .I wouldn't send any of those responses - unless, of course, I wanted to jump back into the drama with both feet.

My advice? There's no rush, no time table of responding. I think it would be unwise to respond while you're feeling unsettled. Let it take what it takes, two weeks, a month, never - whatever. Respond if and when you feel centered and calm. Or perhaps, when you're feeling centered and calm, you'll realize that you really don't want to respond at all.

[Frustratedbloke]

Do you think you might actually just be about to be used for triangulation? Now she's got hubby tied up, she can turn the screws on him. It doesn't matter what you say or do, or if you're not into her, if she can establish contact and then do the 'oh it's nothing' routine with him then she can send him slowly stir crazy and also create some distance. After all, marriage is a pretty engulfing thing for a BPD.

Just a theory, but as we know this isn't about you, it's about her. She might be feeling a bit close after getting married and she might need some chaos in her life.

So whatever you give her, literally anything, could be thrown in his face. Even that blank, grey rock email you're thinking about.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Rannan,

I can understand your feelings here. Something similar happened to me, too, but pwBPD got married shortly after the attempts at contact. It was also about 8 months and then a bit over a year out, I think... .I felt like you—not sure what to say. I thought about it and thought about it. And thought about it. I just couldn't respond (it was an indirect way of contacting me, not direct, like your email, and that added to my hesitancy).

I kept waiting for a response to rise up in me, but nothing came, so I didn't respond. It was only after 4 years (yes!) when he contacted me directly (married!) by email that I had something to say, and I did. That response was simple and didn't leave any doubt about further engagement/communication.

I would recommend that you keep waiting and don't respond from a place of conflict or ambivalence. If you feel you have to reply, then I like your suggestion in the above post: something simple and rather dull that doesn't open up further doors to communication.

I've been where you are, Rannan, and I don't recommend trying to be friends. At 8 months, I was still hurting, but right around the corner came freedom for me. We are all unique in our recovery, but I wish that for you, too. You can do this. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole

[Indifferent28]

What all these people are saying seems to be the case with BPDs when they contact the ex... .Simply bad time with replacement, maybe a few day break up or something in between.

Attachments soothe their ego much like a crying baby getting a warm bottle. Once they've eaten, they go back to playing with their toy.

So... .Don't be the bottle. I would ignore even though that is very hard to do.

[icky]

. Wow.I wouldn't send any of those responses - unless, of course, I wanted to jump back into the drama with both feet.

. i did say not to reply  : ). but to draft a response that could just sit here in the forum. the suggestions i wrote were for a draft, which could sit here

[apollotech]

Hi Rannan,

I am with you. My ex is still fishing. In fact, I received a text from her on Saturday, much like the one you received. This may help you on your decision on whether or not to respond: I came to the conclusion, regarding my own situation, that I was as bad for her as she was for me. If I were to bite and strap into the roller coaster again, all that would happen would be that both of our lives would once again be traveling towards chaos.

Like you, I would love to have some form of communication with my ex; she is a very old childhood friend of mine. But, she just cannot handle the emotional aspects of a relationship with me (major Engulfment issues). Once we crossed the line between friendship and romance, we were doomed. To my knowledge, there is no way to unring that bell. I don't believe that many of us have gone NC because we wanted to, but rather we have gone that route because it was the only viable option available to us. Keep that in mind.