I'd rather she cheated.

[nonetaken]

Three years.
"I love you, nonetaken."
"Goodbye, nonetaken."
"I love you, nonetaken."
"Goodbye, nonetaken."
"I love you, nonetaken."
"Goodbye, nonetaken."
"I love you, nonetaken."
"Goodbye, nonetaken."
I always bought it.
I always believed it was never going to happen again.
This time it was going to last forever.
Yesterday I did the hardest thing I ever did in my life.
I said goodbye to her.
i said goodbye to someone because they are sick.
I'd rather she cheated.
It would have made it a lot more justified in my confused head.
No more relationships.
Ever.

[Warcleods]

Yea, I broke up with her a couple of times out of justified reaction to her emotional roller coaster.  It was always to preserve myself as I do have a fear of rejection.  I am working on that in many ways with my T.  That aside, I have always been stable with her in my feelings and she'd project that I was the one pushing her away.  

She would idolize the relationship, and then need time to "think about it."  It was like clock work man.  It came to the point where my final straw broke in the beginning of November.

She would tell me that I needed to stop pushing people away but I never did that to her.  I reacted to her whacky mood swings which always included her deciding about the continuation of our relationship.  Once she was done sulking, it was always a realization in her that I was the best person she ever met.  Followed by distancing, followed by depression, followed by whatever else goes on in her head.  It's the biggest mind f!@# I have EVER experienced.  Why am I missing this crap?

[Mutt]

Hi nonetaken,

It would have made it a lot more justified in my confused head.

Are you saying that you're getting tired of recycling and it would be easier for you to finally end the r/s if she was unfaithful? That's a deal breaker for you?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey none taken, It's normal to have fantasies that some outside event will provide a means to escape a BPD r/s, which I think is what you're suggesting.  Is that what you mean?  Because otherwise, it's rough sledding to part ways with a pwBPD.  We get it.

LuckyJim

[Circle]

I think someone bailing on you, then coming back, then bailing, then coming back, then bailing, then coming back, then bailing, then coming back, then bailing, then coming back, then bailing, then coming back, then bailing, then coming back, then bailing; is P-L-E-N-T-Y of justification for saying:

goodbye

[Oncebitten]

Circle

Its enough to say goodbye... .

Nonetaken

It doesn't make it any easier though

[SoMadSoSad]

I hate to see when people say that " i wish x would've happened it would make it easier". Like, how do you know it would be easier if you havent experienced that side. It's kindve like downplaying that sides feelings and pain. Its like saying " oh you had an easier situation, I couldve dealt with that". I believe all sides of this BPD thing are identical in pain.

[MovingOn23]

I can identify with this, nonetaken - I was recently saying that I would have had an easier time to come to the conclusion of leaving if there were something to blame it on. Kind of like having to fire someone - SO much easier if they stole or blatantly violated a serious company policy, much much more difficult than firing someone for poor job performance. I found that the lack of some serious infraction (my significant other is what I would consider high-functioning BPD so we don't endure physical abuse or other extreme circumstances) makes it easier to imagine that the relationship can continue or be saved.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I was in the same situation as you Nonetaken. The fourth time we got together we lasted a year and I just couldn't trust her and I had to let her go. I did not trust her at all, she killed all the trust I had for her. She kept blaming that my insecurities had caused all these issues. I knew better. I have been in previous relationships and they nowhere close to what I had endured with the Crazy uBPDex. I finally had the strength to break up with her and stop the recycles. As you, it was so hard to break up with her but I knew it was for the best.

Who knows what she did when she broke up with me. I still keep kicking myself for taking her back all those times and begging her to comeback.

Either she cheated or not, relationships should not be this toxic.

[lovenature]

It would have made it a lot more justified in my confused head.
No more relationships.

Truth is the only way you will justify detaching from her is to learn all you can about this awful disorder.

BPD is a serious mental illness; once you learn about it and your part in the relationship, you will have the opportunity to decide if you want to be alone or pursue a healthy relationship.