Do I fit anywhere?

[Moselle]

We focus alot on the issues of the Borderline.

I wonder how you feel?

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit anywhere. I isolate and find myself stuck without a place or a group to call home.

Do you feel like that ever?

[Herodias]

Yes, I am trying to make myself get out and join groups in the area... .it's hard because it's easier to stay home and watch tv or read. Not sure I have found my nitch yet... .The point is, we lose focus on ourselves by taking care of others. We have to practice what we preach.

[Moselle]

Well done Herodias.

As we detach its important to find a new space for ourselves. A new tribe of healthier people where we can excercise new behaviours and habits. It's hard because of the uncertainty on the journey. We're detaching and not yet sure where to attach.

[drained1996]

It's hard because of the uncertainty on the journey. We're detaching and not yet sure where to attach.

There are some things we will be pretty certain about... .where not to attach.  

Not sure I have found my nitch yet... .

I've found that it's more like finding people who fit OUR nitch... .this part of the journey is about ME now.  

The point is, we lose focus on ourselves by taking care of others

And there is a balance to be found.  We will not be able to completely re-write our programming to not take care of others, we just have to learn how to add a patch that will make us live a healthier balance.  

In my process I'm learning who fits, who doesn't, and who fits where.  I've deleted some, and I'm slowly adding as well.    Radical Acceptance is a huge factor in this whole journey for me.

[Moselle]

There are some things we will be pretty certain about... .where not to attach.  

Last year I was pretty certain as well. Then I dated another BPD. They can still hide it. The difference now is that when the dysfunction surfaced, I did NOT stick around.

How do we avoid the initial attraction?

[woundedPhoenix]

I think it is normal that we isolate as we have a lot of inner work to do, working through a ":)ark Night of the Soul" like this...

The pains suffered and the desillusionment we went through help us grow in many ways, it's not a comfortable process, but it can't be forced.

I believe you have to be through with all this internally before you can really focus succesfully on the outside world again.

I tried to jumpstart my social life, even dated but it felt alien, like i was trying to escape something that still haunted me, not just the BPD.

What a contrast with previous breakups, where i was able to regroup and reconnect to the world in litterally no time.

Good news is that I finally accepted this, and i have total confidence in the process.

[drained1996]

The difference now is that when the dysfunction surfaced, I did NOT stick around.

I think THAT is the most important thing we learn... .how to take care of ourselves.  Good for you on the recognition of the issues and subsequently ending the r/s.

How do we avoid the initial attraction?

Not sure that I have the answer to that for myself... .but I hope I do.  I'm in a new r/s (about 4 or 5 months in), ask me now, there are no PD red flags at all.  No victim card, no past boyfriends painted black, no mommy/daddy issues... .I'm not saving anyone this time so it seems.  If I'm wrong, like you I will back up, punt, and reassess my own part. 

Last year I was pretty certain as well. Then I dated another BPD. They can still hide it.

Yes, they can hide it, and the dopamine that comes with new r/s's can certainly cloud anyone's vision for a time.  The healthy reaction if and when we do finally see the flags is exactly what you did... .end it, learn from our mistakes and move on. 
In hindsight, were there any red flags you overlooked with your last BPD experience? 

[Curiously1]

I don't focus a lot about my exes issues anymore. I might think of her now and again but it's not because I feel I need her. I  have it in my head now that she just cannot give me what I really want or what I look for. I think makes it easier. I really do believe she cant make me happy so why focus on someone who isnt the solution and who I know cant.

Personally, I get the 'I feel like I don't fit' or that I am out of place when I forget to focus or think about myself. It just didn't come naturally before, or I had forgotten what it was like to just enjoy my own self and is why I need to remind myself to focus on me when my brain directs me to think of someone elses issues and life. Its like the brain is addicted to thinking about drama sometimes. What I normally do if I start to think too much about someone else is to remember that I have been always looking at other people as a backdoor of getting my needs met and that there is a better way.

My life experience so far has had me feeling like I am invisible unless I have a task to do or I have somebody else and their problems to focus on and help fix. I realised that was my way of relating to people and to feel I can be 'seen' that way. That doing a lot I know that I exist and matter to someone else as long as I am always giving. Thinking about what I can do or who I can be for others more than living my own life kept me from discovering more about myself and really enjoying having me around and simply existing just for myself. There is not a whole lot going on anymore to keep me away from myself anymore and I don't worry about it as much anymore if loneliness creeps in some days. I just ask myself why I need someone elses acceptance to continue on living. Taking care and truly having a space for ones self without feeling the need for someone or something in return to feel like I am important too makes me feel better.

I just remind myself I matter because I exist and that I am going to live for myself now. That I won't hide and feel ashamed about where I am because where I am now is good enough and there is nothing left in the past to cling on to now that I have myself. Wont hide either and can life imperfectly but happily, at the pace that feels right to me.

Normally those kind of fearful thoughts for me get quieter and quieter and just fade when I remind myself that I got my own back.

[BowlOfPetunias]

I can't give too specific information while remaining anonymous, but I am a volunteer leader with a nonprofit organization.  I have had an interest in this issue ever since high school and it is relevant to the doctoral degree that I am not using at my day job. It gives me purpose and I do get to form connections with other volunteers, as well as staff at the organization.  Fortunately, my wife has not made this an issue and even says positive things about it.  (There were a few times, however, where she had meltdowns while I was out of down and demanded that I come rushing back to save her.)

[Moselle]

In hindsight, were there any red flags you overlooked with your last BPD experience? 

No. She was very careful not to show anything for a few months. Then the inevitable hiccups started and I wanted to handle them maturely.

I vented with a female friend when I was having a hard time. I explained to my go that I have a female friend 10 000 km away who I vent with from time to time. Download email and I do the same for her.

This of course became a massive fight about why didn't I come to her first and she had a right to respond and comfort me when I needed it. It went on and on. I explained that I had a platonic relationship with this person on a different continent.

She had had an affair in her previous marriage. I have remained faithful to my now BPD ex, yet now she started to project her own guilt into me telling me that I was having an affair. Blah blah blah.

There was push and pull too.

I ended it shortly after this .

[drained1996]

Well, it sounds like you've learned to protect yourself which is a gift many of us did not have before our BPD education.  A wise and healthy decision to move on, and I feel sure you learned something through that experience that will help in the future.

Back to your OP.  :)o I fit anywhere?

I too felt lost at times after my BPD.  I isolated when I was depressed, I drank too much at times which exacerbated the depression.  I knew I had to get out into the world and face my discomforts.  The more I did it, the easier it got, and my comfort zone slowly expanded.  I met new people who became friends, I purged some not so healthy people out of my life.  But mostly, I worked on myself from my core.  I worked on healing my own self image which I allowed to deteriorate through having stayed with my pwBPD for so long.    I began to trust me, and who I really am... .my values, my beliefs, MY core.  
Doing that has allowed me to be me... .something that truly had not been totally present for more than a decade.  
Do I still face times where I feel down... .even depressed?... .of course!  At those times I try to refocus my thoughts to ME and work through why I'm allowing myself to feel down.  We are after all the only ones in charge of the way we feel... .

[Moselle]

That's powerful drained. I've put in some hard yards as well in terms of personal work with much still to come. Thanks for the inspiration. Perhaps we have to fit within ourselves first before we can fit anywhere else

[valet]

When I was younger I used to struggle with this. But something I've learned in the aftermath of all of this is that it's generally better to let people wander into the middle ground... .where we can connect on the same premise (instead of one person(s) chasing the other).

Lately I have been super tired, and generally feel really stressed with managing my life. My friends have been great, though. Someone is usually bugging me to come out and have a beer or watch some sports or something. So I think it's important to foster those relationships that feel reciprocal to both parties, while still having the ability to understand that people go through things in life.

In short: not anymore, but I have in the past. I think that the isolation can be useful, as long as you are not letting the inner critic dominate. If it's just a matter of being physically exhausted or otherwise experiencing the physical symptoms of anxiety/depression then I think it's a wise move to take the time for yourself to get back into form.

[drained1996]

Perhaps we have to fit within ourselves first before we can fit anywhere else

Yes, but don't get trapped thinking you need it all figured out and feeling 100% before you can fit anywhere else.  I do trust my boundaries, and I also realize my faults (at least some, I'm sure there are more I'll learn about).  I also know I do not need to be perfect for a new friend, or a new SO, for it they cannot deal with me as I am, then I do not need them.  You find out the most about a relationship when things aren't perfect.   

I'm completely imperfect.  I still have wounds from my BPD r/s, and I also have FOO issues that will not go away anytime soon.  All we can do is keep moving forward... .knowing who we are... .imperfect... .just like everyone else.