Crickets

[Kili]

Trying to have a dialog with my BPD wife and keep getting shut down.  We're in separate states and so she'll send me pics of the kids and give me quick text updates about them.  However, she makes it near impossible to FaceTime and that sort of thing.  When I say I love you she refuses to respond.  A few weeks ago she sent me a text saying she loves me and is for our marriage, and said She is valuable and she needs to be treated with value.  She said when I visited She didn't make me happy and I was miserable most of the time and she says she doesn't know how things will be different in the future.  She's put up the wall.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

It sounds a little like long-distance silent treatment. Does she engage in ST when you are together?

When she says she didn't make you happy and you were miserable most of the time, how did you respond?

[Kili]

Don't know what ST is, I tried to look it up.  I tried to explain that it was just that there was a lot going on and that I was tired and she kept saying I was being rather than let me explain.

[livednlearned]

ST = silent treatment

[Kili]

Of course, sorry I was really tired.  She avoids any conversation that involves discussion type topics, trying to make decisions is extremely difficult.  The other thing that happens is whatever is happening gets drug out and then when we are crunched for time the stress level goes through the roof.

[livednlearned]

When she runs hot and cold like this, it can be extremely frustrating. She is cycling back and forth, treating you well one moment and then rudely the next. Much of this is on her, which is intolerable to process, so she likely needs you to be the punching bag.

It's hard, really really hard. Especially with the long distance.

How does she respond to validation? It won't necessarily make her more agreeable on all points, it can prevent things from getting worse, tho.

[waverider]

Often when someone is bouncing around like this it is because they dont feel heard and hence invalidated. We then make the mistake of trying to fix the issues, but as they are grabbing random issues to try to communicate something deeper (and not doing a clear job of it) we miss the point which antagonises and frustrates them more. To them it is you avoiding the real issue, which you can't halp as you dont know what it is.

It is often better to slow it down and ask lots of questions (validating) without trying to proffer solutions, eventually they will work around to what the real problem is. Sometimes even work it through and resolve it without you ever finding out what it is, it may even be an imaginary drama.

Sometimes the best way to fix things is to not to try fixing them, otherwise its like the old woman who swallowed a spider to catch the fly etc... it just escalates past the point of being irritated by swallowing a fly.

[Kili]

Thanks, for the insight.  She responded that I psychologically abuse her and moving to be with me will only make it worse.  There is no door of communication open, when I say things to affirm her she says, "then why do you treat me the way you do."  She then brings up situations where I felt I was painted in a corner.  Am I right in thinking that this happens because , I did not set a healthy boundary.  

[Kili]

She agreed to move back to where we moved from 2 yrs ago.  I came ahead to get my job, so I could become full time and get benefits.  She then said the pediatrician told her our baby should not fly until she is 6 months.  Well now the baby is 6 months and I am fulltime with benefits, but she is refusing to move.  I can't keep paying rent in 2 places.  I need to know how to explain this to her?