The "Wish List" of conditions from a bordeline seeking a reconciliation

[Nextinline]

Hi everyone 

I thought I would share this with you. This has just been received by me as an email from my exuBPDgf.

As you would expect, there have been numerous recycles that last different lengths of time. Thanks to the great peeps here, each recycle has given me a greater tool kit to deal with things that are said by my ex.

The sad thing is that it appears to me that the selfish, self centered traits consistent with most BPDs seem to be universal. Here is the list received today from my ex-


-I want to know what you want
-I want to know that if I come back to you it's to a man that's open and loving and shows me and gives  me what I need emotionally - maybe even going out of his own comfort zone
-I want to know that if I come back it's about you and me and I don't want to feel like my wants and needs aren't met.
-I want to know that you will try your hardest with me and not belittle the things in life I want just because they might not be what you want or need
-I want to know that I would come back to someone who doesn't put his finances above me and sometimes I feel like you do that.
-That I am coming back to you and you know that I do have and don't have to bring to the table
-I need to see the barriers coming down

So, I just saw this as a list of demands and a list of "I Wants". There is nothing in here about what she will contribute. There is no emotional buy-in. There is no empathy. There is no discussion about common goals and things that would be good for the relationship.

It was just a shopping list of demands. One in particular is of concern... .about the things in life she wants. She expects me to buy her a house for her to live in. She has no money or assets so it is singularly up to me to provide that.

Am I being unreasonable here for just seeing this as a selfish land grab and a one sided view of how relationships should work? Am I being unreasonable here by looking at this as a list about the "me" and none about the "we"?

Have any you you ever received a list of demands or one sided expectations like this?

Cheers

Next

[beggarsblanket]

I haven't received such an explicit list, but I'm staggered and saddened. It reflects many communications I received, written or spoken, overt or covert. Sometimes I regret ever getting bound up in this mess. Your list makes me feel more determined to go my own way, but I think I will need help in this in the event she tries to return.

[sad but wiser]

Absolutely got a list of what I needed to fix to get him back!  By that time, I was so done with the relationship I laughed and cried at the same time.
   In their mind, the relationship is about you meeting their needs, because you are the emotionally stronger person, so that's how it is.  Them meeting your needs?  You have needs?  I don't think so. Lol
  Roll on and let it pass... .m

[Nextinline]

BB

She will certainly want to hook you back in. They will not let go so easily, especially of you have been able to satisfy their needs for a period of time. Just be ready for the approach that will definitely come. You will get all the help you need from the great people here.
Just be prepared that we all heal at different rates and we need to do different things to bring about our own closure or at least out own ability to control the situation

SBW

You nailed it. This need that BPDs for total and ultimate satisfaction of their wants is just a childish embedded behaviour. The difference though is that us nons will do what it takes to satisfy our needs... .which is usually by working hard... .to resolve them. A pwBPD just seems to think that if they demand enough and throw enough tantrums then someone will satisfy them... .just like putting a dummy in a screaming babies mouth to soothe them.

Cheers

Next

[Mutt]

Hi nextinline,



I think that she's testing  you, she's testing your emotional attachment.

[Turkish]

After communicating to me (yet again) my ex said that I never shared my hopes and dreams, which she said to her friends.  I never remember her asking.  Maybe I'm too old school, but two careers, two little kids,  and me buying a home and managing it were the minimum  normal,  adult things that adults do in order to live securely. To me,  this is a secure foundation,  and we can talk about hopes and dreams after we take care of our responsibilities "on the ground" so to speak.

After many months and too much money I care to count,  my T threw out,  "you were just a bad match."

I believed what she telegraphed initially,  but ignored what she thereafter communicated implicitly, and stayed in the r/s for years when after about 8 months,  maybe earlier,  I knew in my soul that I should have ended it.  I had one recycle.  I "had my chance" as a friend later put it.  Based upon your core values and where you are in life,  this sounds like a major mismatch,  yes?  

[Nextinline]

Mutt

We have gone through another 2 months of no-contact in which, I assume, she was testing out another supply option. She recontacted me some weeks ago and it was self evident that her world had caved in on her. So she has ramped up the communication such that there is now a list of demands of what I have to do to satisfy her needs. So, yes I agree, this is a test from her to see where I am at.

Turkish

I think that the comment from your T was a cop out and usually a line someone says when the diagnosis, understanding and treatment is beyond their ability. In my case there is an underlying magnetic attraction that keeps drawing the 2 of us back towards each other... .and then the BPD traits kick in and kill it. My awareness of it now is such that I have empathy towards her constant state of emotional hunger, but I also am aware that I can never fill that pit of emptiness that is within her.

So there are times when we are amazingly suited... .and others where she dysregulates or manages to push my buttons to the point that I just pull the shutters down and shut her out. Classic push pull behaviours.

As far as core values, I feel that I am leaning more towards thinking that it is a matter of different stages in life. I have the career, the house, the secure way of life... .she has a list of unrequited wants and another list of excuses as to why she never did anything about working hard towards getting those things that most women in their mid 40s have in their life.
It is a very valid point of consideration though, the issue of conflicting values.

Cheers

Next

[Circle]

Yeah, I would get texted demands like that. As if my x had been sitting around contemplating quantum theory and came up with a solution. When really, all it boils down to is manipulation. It's sort of disgusting, really. Luckilly, they do this same sort of thing with everyone. Jump back in; sounds really fun and exciting to me! Just kidding. Seriously though, there are cooler people out there. Just takes time to find them.

[DazedandConfus3d]

I think that she's testing  you, she's testing your emotional attachment.

100%

[valet]

She's pretty clever. If you didn't already know what her behavioral patterns were... .

It seems honest, she's not lying.

But her definition and your definition of her list are awfully different. I think that's good. She's testing here.

I wouldn't respond.

[Fr4nz]

Hey next,

to me it seems just a list of "I want, I want, I want, ... .", without acknowledging any of your concerns or needs.

To me, you should refuse her requests, because they show a lack of empathy.

[Rayban]

Never got a written list, but had HOURS of spoken demands. At one point she said she was tired of asking and was now demanding?

This happened after many recycles. It's just additional manipulation and something that lingers after the relationship is over where I realized she didn't love me, she loved what I could potentially give her as a provider. She also wanted a house and when I told her I'll buy a home when I have a family.  She responded by not understanding what the big deal was. If it didn't work out we would just go our separate ways. She would continuously hint at wanting material things like clothing, jewellery, trips, and of course a ring. I felt like she wanted a bartered relationship.  Material things in exchange for her being with me. Also heard about how all her exes showered her with gifts, and I didn't so that to her meant I didn't love her.

[once removed]

what chain of events preceded this list? did she send it out of the blue?

[Pine Knoll]

 NiL -

During the course of my 30yr (yes that is how slow I was to figure it all out); I received the same sorts of list, maybe even many of the exact same demands many, many times - verbally and written (usually in texts ... .endless, endless texts -- I used to fantasize about rounding up her phone, ipad and computer, putting them in the driveway and running them over as a means to make it stop). Never did my uBPDw offer up what she could do to improve the relationship. In fact if I even asked her to volunteer something she would say I was being rude and inappropriate. I hope you don't let it come to that for you. We all have needs and relationships should be a "space" created by two people where we can both go to help one another with those needs.

For a BPD person that space is the space where they keep you for when they need you, "your cell" (which is at any moment for anything). It is not going to be a safe place for you. Every once and a while a plate of food, a glass of water or a treat is thrown into that space to keep you "alive", so you will and can be there for them when they need you. I willingly walked into that cell. I could have stayed out, but my own pathologies (mostly co-dependency and a true sense of my own value) blinded me as I walked in willingly and with the best intentions ... .it took me 30 years to find the keys. I am still in the process of walking out of that dark place. May you not put yourself in such a place. After 30 yrs, I hope I can come to understand what a safe space feels like.

PK

[Circle]

"For a BPD person that space is the space where they keep you for when they need you, "your cell" (which is at any moment for anything). It is not going to be a safe place for you. Every once and a while a plate of food, a glass of water or a treat is thrown into that space to keep you "alive", so you will and can be there for them when they need you." -Pine Knoll
Such a true analogy.

[Nextinline]

For a BPD person that space is the space where they keep you for when they need you, "your cell" (which is at any moment for anything). It is not going to be a safe place for you. Every once and a while a plate of food, a glass of water or a treat is thrown into that space to keep you "alive", so you will and can be there for them when they need you. I willingly walked into that cell. I could have stayed out, but my own pathologies (mostly co-dependency and a true sense of my own value) blinded me as I walked in willingly and with the best intentions ... .  May you not put yourself in such a place.

PK
This has hit home more than anything that I have read before. I do go in with best intentions, only to find out that I have walked into a cell with the abuse, never ending demands and bottomless pit of wants suffocating me. No, I do not want to be that person. I deserve better and I demand respect.

I will never get either if I involve myself in this situation again.

Thank you for shining the light into the "cell" for me.

[sad but wiser]

Valet,   
  The comment about definitions being different!  Wow, how true!  At one point I made myself a, little translation sheet so I wouldn't get sucked back in.
   For instance:  "We need to change the way we communicate."  Really meant, "You need to stop inputting in our conversations.  Just say "yes" so I can get what I want."
  Etc.  Lol.  Long ago and far away now.

You all deserve much, much better.

[Pine Knoll]

NiL,

You mentioned "respect". That is such a critical piece of the puzzle. We ALL deserve resect and it is our right to ask for it. I did not see/appreciate that for so, so many years. That was my bad, not my wife's. I need to own that and determine why I was like that so I learn to treat myself better in the future. Ironically, as my wife and I now pass through a very contentious divorce and custody battle (fortunately I have the upper hand ... long story for an other time), I find myself in the perfect "training" enviroment. I get to practice, on a daily basis, the opportunity define boundaries and learn to respect myself in the face of this ... it is hard, really hard, and not every day is easy, but there are the good ones and I am learning.

This was not the plan I had in mind for my life, but it is an opportunity to make me and my life better than it was.

Kr,

PK